Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[drifter777]

Well, I found the reason why the friends actually told me. It appears my ex slept with a guy one of the friends was dating (we were not together), and the friend forgave her.

 

This compelled her to let me know when she first suspected and found out about the boss at my ex's work.

 

My ex and these three women were all very close, well not anymore. And as one poster pointed out, it was done because "I am a great guy" and "No one would want me to marry someone who violated your relationship".

 

I am in shock, you think you really know someone but you don't. Who knows, maybe she cheated on me other times as well. Doesn't matter now, what is done is done.

 

Sorry for another dagger in your back. Let it strengthen your resolve to move past all this and begin to heal.

[RobbieA]

Sorry for another dagger in your back. Let it strengthen your resolve to move past all this and begin to heal.

 

All I have to say is thank god I don't have to marry her. I am doing my best to look forward. She is definitely in my rear view.

[No Limit]

Looks like you got involved with a real shady woman; yeah, people always manage to surprise you.

[Morro72]

She's lucky you talked to her father before getting this latest bit of news. (Or any of the other bits of news that have yet to surface.)

[RobbieA]

I am also glad I got to her father, or he got to me rather. I cherish my integrity & character, and I wasn't going to let her mislead other people as to why we broke up.

 

I put my heart & soul into the relationship. There were nights while deployed where the thought of her kept my sanity. Anyone who served overseas can attest to that.

 

We would have in depth conversations while I was stateside and one of my biggest insecurities was that the distance and danger of my time in the service would severely hinge the relationship. She never said it bothered her, not once. Yes she was concerned for my safety, as was my family and friends.

 

On a separate note, I took a motorcycle ride with my friend. I stopped to get a Coke on the way home, the universe hates me, Have a Coke with (my ex's name). Crazy.

[CarrieT]

I am also glad I got to her father, or he got to me rather.

Have you spoken with him directly and do her parents understand what has happened?

[RobbieA]

Have you spoken with him directly and do her parents understand what has happened?

 

Yes we spoke on the phone, for an hour. He called me, from work. He understands what happened. He actually cried. I did not mean to make him that emotional, however he paid for half the wedding and had to know why I canceled it.

[10thengineerharrison]

[About the ever so subtle thread-hijacking: Can we NOT politicize and just keep the discussion on Robbie's progress? Who cares if you're pro-choice, anti-abortion or use deodorant? I'm (one of those) and really do NOT want to have feel defensive for the fiance or myself. This about him and his situation — now.]

 

I wasn't going to respond to this because I agree that this shouldn't be the focus of this thread. However, I do believe it is an aspect of what happened. A pretty big one that is rather telling of his ex-fiance's values and motives in trying to smooth things over.

 

She appears to have planned to have an affair, because she took the photos of her deployed fiance down from her work. I think it's quite possible that the OM isn't married, but if there's anything in this story that might indicate otherwise, it's the abortion. If he weren't married and Robbie's fiance wanted to have a relationship with the guy, why not just continue that relationship once she knew she was pregnant and break off the engagement herself?

 

I have a good friend who was a Marine deployed in Iraq when his long-term GF cheated on him. He found out when he was in the hospital in Germany after being wounded in Fallujah. She couldn't understand why he didn't want to have anything to do with her after finding out either.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[bubbaganoosh]

Robbie. Right now you come first and glad to see that your putting this behind you as well as possible. I'm glad to know that your going to the VA for help. You earned that right and it's there if you need it.

 

I just want you to be prepared for when you come face to face with her. You refuse to talk or see her, she knows it so there's going to come a time when you least expect it when she pops up in front of you

 

When that comes then if you turn around and walk away then bet the house it will happen again. She isn't going to give up until she gets her hits in. What happened here is you blindsided her and she deserved it but when that happens and she doesn't get a chance to reply the chase goes on.

 

My advice is this. When it happens, then let her do the talking. After she says what she needs to say then you can tell her to eat your shorts and walk away. She said what she needed to say and after that there is no more. Then you can reclaim the rest of your life.

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm with Satu. Avoid her. Figure out a way to separate cleanly without any contact. Nothing. It's brutal, but that is how these things go.

 

OP, the good news is Time is on your side. A year from now, I promise you will be in a better place. Be good to yourself. Take the time to pamper yourself. Take yourself out to a nice dinner. Be a companion to yourself. Rely on family and friends. Write to LoveShack.

 

I'm sorry for your pain...

[RobbieA]

Robbie. Right now you come first and glad to see that your putting this behind you as well as possible. I'm glad to know that your going to the VA for help. You earned that right and it's there if you need it.

 

I just want you to be prepared for when you come face to face with her. You refuse to talk or see her, she knows it so there's going to come a time when you least expect it when she pops up in front of you

 

When that comes then if you turn around and walk away then bet the house it will happen again. She isn't going to give up until she gets her hits in. What happened here is you blindsided her and she deserved it but when that happens and she doesn't get a chance to reply the chase goes on.

 

My advice is this. When it happens, then let her do the talking. After she says what she needs to say then you can tell her to eat your shorts and walk away. She said what she needed to say and after that there is no more. Then you can reclaim the rest of your life.

 

Bubba, thanks for the insight brother. I will say this. When I first found out about this, that she cheated, I could of reacted irrationally, which no one could fault me for. I could of cursed at her, caller her names, demanded answers, yet I feel no need to do so.

 

I would like to think that I control this situation from now on, since I kept my cool for the most part, me not confronting her, or shutting her down so she cannot see or communicate with me is the only poetic justice I can receive. I know it seems immature, but I need to control my own destiny, even if it means blindsiding her and NEVER look back.

[writergal]

Bubba, thanks for the insight brother. I will say this. When I first found out about this, that she cheated, I could of reacted irrationally, which no one could fault me for. I could of cursed at her, caller her names, demanded answers, yet I feel no need to do so.

 

I would like to think that I control this situation from now on, since I kept my cool for the most part, me not confronting her, or shutting her down so she cannot see or communicate with me is the only poetic justice I can receive. I know it seems immature, but I need to control my own destiny, even if it means blindsiding her and NEVER look back.

 

It's not immature to get on with your life and not look back. As the saying goes, "living well is the best revenge." You don't need to do anything else but just get on with your own life. Leave her and her OM behind. Just focus on yourself.

[66Charger]

NC is not immature and a cheater can not emmasculate you. I think you need to burn this all down quickly. Remove all remnants of the wedding asap. Tell her freinds, famliy etc thanks but no thanks, dont need no more info. Do not dwell on the dead. Go dark, heal yourself. If you have trouble sleeping and if you can still run, put your music on and run at night until your dead tired and pass out. When you see her again, there will be nothing to say other than to wish her well. Do not see her until you can do this.

 

She will never forget this for the rest of her life. You, however will.

Edited May 27, 2015 by 66Charger

[RobbieA]

So I met with her father about an hour or so ago. He brought along the wife. We all had breakfast as not make it awkward.

 

I think her mom had to hear it from my mouth to believe what was going on. She was a little overprotective of her daughter (understandably). I kept my composure, explained everything that happened, the timeline, and the evidence.

 

All in all, I got the ring back, got an apology from the parents on their daughters behalf, and I left, never ever looking back.

 

I am having trouble sleeping. But I am doing my best to grieve the idea of what the relationship was.

[CarrieT]

got an apology from the parents on their daughters behalf

That her parents were able to meet with you and give you a modicum of closure (and the ring) should be a small victory you can hold onto for a while during the healing process.

 

You are doing better okay, Robbie. Yes, grieve, but know that you WILL love again and take some solace in that you found out about this woman before you married her.

[RobbieA]

That her parents were able to meet with you and give you a modicum of closure (and the ring) should be a small victory you can hold onto for a while during the healing process.

 

You are doing better okay, Robbie. Yes, grieve, but know that you WILL love again and take some solace in that you found out about this woman before you married her.

 

Yes that was a bit of closure for me. Our old social circle's opinion is inconsequential, but sitting down with her parent is way different.

 

Will I ever trust again? It would be so much easier if we were dating for a lesser amount of time. We were together so long that I cannot fathom how I will ever trust again.

[understand50]

Yes that was a bit of closure for me. Our old social circle's opinion is inconsequential, but sitting down with her parent is way different.

 

Will I ever trust again? It would be so much easier if we were dating for a lesser amount of time. We were together so long that I cannot fathom how I will ever trust again.

 

RobbieA,

 

Please, do not let her ruin your life about not trusting again. Not all women, or men, are like her. You can find someone who has good morals, and will commit to you. If you go into to this by never trusting again, she has won, and has effected your life. She was a bad bet, but there are good ones out there. Do not condemn all women, because of one. You will be on your guard, but that is a good thing. When the next one shows she can be trusted, let yourself do so.

 

10201025

[66Charger]

Are those Jump Wings in you avatar?

[RobbieA]

Are those Jump Wings in you avatar?

 

Yes sir, that was my former unit.

[66Charger]

Robbie you have been on deployments before. Deployments are usually difficult but for a short period of time. This is no different. Think of this as a 90 day deployment. Focus on something you wish to do this summer. By the 4th of July, you will be good.

[66Charger]

Yes sir, that was my former unit.

Thought so.

[sweet_pea]

I'm glad you got your ring back. Is she still trying to contact you or do you not know? I will say, you may not be able to 100% blindly trust another woman again, and it sucks having your eyes opened this way but that doesn't mean you won't find someone who is trustworthy & fall in love again.

[Satu]

Focus 100% on yourself and your own wellbeing.

 

Above all else, rely on your own instincts and best judgement.

Edited May 27, 2015 by Satu

[writergal]

Robbie that was nice of her parents to meet with you over breakfast to return your engagement ring.

 

It took a lot of courage for you to meet with her parents, and to be honest with them about her infidelity and why you canceled the engagement.

 

You've handled this all very calmly and maturely. So, give yourself some credit where credit is due.

 

Also, don't believe the distorted thought brought on by the stress of your situation, "I'll never trust or love another woman again." That's what you feel right now because your ex-fiancé's infidelity from her year-long affair betrayed your trust and negated the past 8 years together in one fell swoop. Of course you still love each other. That never changes. But that love is tainted now and the relationship ruined.

 

The farther you get away from the acute pain and stress that you feel now, the better you will feel and the distorted thoughts will disappear. You'll eventually realize that she's not the only woman; there will be others and possibly "the one" who will respect your military way of life and who won't let the distance from your deployments interfere with the new love between you both. That scenario is possible for you, if you let it happen...when you're ready.

 

You need to heal yourself emotionally from this trauma first.

[66Charger]

I agree with this. No way should this person taint your future. There are some beautiful flowers out there. (Wow Sweat Pea). Of course you will trust again. Good men and women generally win in the end. Anyway gotta work. I hope you plan on doing something challenging this summer.