Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[writergal]

So, whoever the poster was that predicted she would write me a letter, they were correct.

 

Wasn't me but I'm not surprised she did write you a letter. She is desperate to retrace her steps (a year's worth!) to try to bargain with you to accept her back into your life. Cheaters are like car salesmen; their main goal is to cheat their customers out of their hard-earned money and they use tricks of the trade to do that.

 

A letter was stuck in between some newspaper advertisements and it was from her.

She probably dropped it off while you weren't home.

 

Well, I took that letter, put it on the BBQ outside and burned it. I don't want to read her words, it would only poison my brain and thought process.

The fact that you didn't open the letter shows just how strong your willpower is. Wow. I'm impressed! I've read online that apology letters from cheaters will often do this: blame the victim for the reason that they cheated, write about how cheating on the victim has hurt the cheater emotionally and so the victim should feel sorry for the cheater, provide reasons for why the cheater cheated.

 

There is no good enough reason to justify cheating on someone. And if her letter was a pity party for herself in attempt to get you to take her back, well you dodged a huge bullet by burning her letter. It was her feeble attempt to manipulate you to take her back. As you've pointed out, it's too late for that.

 

Hopefully this is the last attempt she will make at contacting you. She needs to respect you and leave you alone. Her parents know she's cheated as do her friends and everyone invited to the wedding. There is nowhere for her to hide. She needs to accept responsibility for her actions and endure the public humiliation that her actions caused, by herself.

 

Additionally, it took me about two hours cleaning up my Facebook page removing any and all pictures of her and I together. This is it folks, it has hit me like a freight train, I am single and alone.

When my cousin left his 1st wife, our grandmother cut out all of his wife's head or profile from photos in her photo-albums. This was years before there was Facebook and social media. She then mailed the cut up photographs to my cousin's wife (their divorce took 3 years to happen) and since she was a strong matriarch, well the message was received! This was after she stalked my cousin at their home, at his work, then at his friends' house, and later his parents' house. She put my cousin through hell (she was mentally ill) before she finally signed the divorce papers.

 

So, be glad that you never married your ex-fiance.

 

Yes you are single and alone. Yes, it feels like you've been hit by a freight train. That is normal. It's good that you have your therapist appt on Monday. Once you start therapy, that will help you tremendously.

 

The body responds to stress in these ways:

 

• Headache
  
• Muscle tension/pain
  
• Fatigue
  
• Change in sex drive
  
• Upset stomach
  
• Sleep disturbances/problems
  
• Anxiety
  
• Lack of motivation or focus
  
• Irritability/anger
  
• Sadness/depression
  
• Overeating/undereating
  
• Angry outbursts
  
• Drug/alcohol/tobacco use/abuse
  
• Social withdraw
  

 

That's all normal. What you need to do in addition to journaling, is formulate a stress management plan for your physical needs. Maybe all you need to do is simply go to the gym every day, go to the beach. Make that your daily routine in addition to your therapy appointments. Spend time with friends and family. The more structure you can create in your day, the easier you'll manage the physical stress that your body is going through. Eventually, as you psychologically heal, your body will physically calm down and your stress symptoms will disappear. But this is going to happen gradually. Not overnight.

 

Maybe schedule a stress test with your doctor to just get a physical check up?

Edited June 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[CarrieT]

I am single and alone.

You might be single, but you are not alone...

 

You've got more people rooting for you than you can imagine. Summer is just beginning so there will be an opportunity to hang out at BBQs, lakes, oceans, pools, whatever.

 

Also - what I would recommend - is that whatever weekend the wedding was *supposed* to happen; you schedule yourself some fabulous vacation in a place you would never have even thought of going to before. Don't be in the town or place where the wedding was supposed to occur. Be swimming with dolphins in Maui or hiking the Aztec ruins of Tenochtitlán or listening to a cool jazz band in New Orleans...

 

Just SOMETHING entirely different that you would have never considered doing with her that YOU have always wanted to do ...

[writergal]

You might be single, but you are not alone...

 

You've got more people rooting for you than you can imagine. Summer is just beginning so there will be an opportunity to hang out at BBQs, lakes, oceans, pools, whatever.

 

Also - what I would recommend - is that whatever weekend the wedding was *supposed* to happen; you schedule yourself some fabulous vacation in a place you would never have even thought of going to before. Don't be in the town or place where the wedding was supposed to occur. Be swimming with dolphins in Maui or hiking the Aztec ruins of Tenochtitlán or listening to a cool jazz band in New Orleans...

 

Just SOMETHING entirely different that you would have never considered doing with her that YOU have always wanted to do ...

 

^^This is awesome advice CarrieT!

[merrmeade]

So, whoever the poster was that predicted she would write me a letter, they were correct.

 

A letter was stuck in between some newspaper advertisements and it was from her.

 

Well, I took that letter, put it on the BBQ outside and burned it. I don't want to read her words, it would only poison my brain and thought process.

 

Additionally, it took me about two hours cleaning up my Facebook page removing any and all pictures of her and I together. This is it folks, it has hit me like a freight train, I am single and alone.

The FB page would have been a downer for sure; hence, the "single and alone" freight train whistle.

 

One day at a time, my friend. You've been given some awesome options here. I hope you find something meaningful and rewarding soon to occupy your thoughts. But at the same time, what Satu said is really important. The feelings are there and when they're huge, give them free rein. Cry when it comes and be angry.

[SycamoreCircle]

Burning that letter---what strength!!! I'm in awe. I think I would have caved. Good for you. You will definitely make it through this.

 

As for the wedding...I had a professor who always used to say of universities, "It's not the building, it's the people in the building." Well, I think the same thinking can be applied to the institution of marriage, "It's not the marriage, it's the people in the marriage."

[10thengineerharrison]

You have it. You never lost it. She's the one with no self worth. Sooner or later your going to bump into her again. Watch and see who the one is that can't look the other in the eye.

 

I already liked this post, but needed to do so again.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[RobbieA]

I guess the best revenge is me being happy. If I do bump into her again in the future, let it be with a huge smile on my face. Kill them with kindness as they say.

[10thengineerharrison]

So, whoever the poster was that predicted she would write me a letter, they were correct.

 

A letter was stuck in between some newspaper advertisements and it was from her.

 

Well, I took that letter, put it on the BBQ outside and burned it. I don't want to read her words, it would only poison my brain and thought process.

 

Additionally, it took me about two hours cleaning up my Facebook page removing any and all pictures of her and I together. This is it folks, it has hit me like a freight train, I am single and alone.

 

You may be alone (apart from her), but you aren't really alone, in the sense that you have supporters who care about your healing. In time, you will even value the difference between loneliness and solitude, because being by yourself when you want to (after some healing) can be quite enjoyable.

 

I think the BBQ response was a good one. She won't be aware of the fate of her letter, of course, unless someone relays what you did to her. So she might try again at some point. Maybe, if there is a next time, put the unopened envelope in another and send it back to her.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

And hopefully there wasn't a ton of cash in that envelope you burned!

[RobbieA]

And hopefully there wasn't a ton of cash in that envelope you burned!

 

There isn't enough money in the world to make forgive and forget what she did. I like the idea of "return to sender". That is what I should have done in the first place.

[Binster]

Rock on Robbie.

 

Your doing ok bit by bit

[kylle]

There isn't enough money in the world to make forgive and forget what she did. I like the idea of "return to sender". That is what I should have done in the first place.

 

Nah, getting rid of the thing was a bullseye shot, I'd have done the same

 

Well, that or rolling a joint with the letter hahaha, just kidding

[Spectre]

I am SO glad you exposed her to your friends and family. One more thing I need to add is: people need to stop with the "you never blame the third party!" nonsense. If this other guy KNEW this woman was involved with someone and still did it? Yeah, he is slime too and shares part of the blame. It takes two to tango, and if he flat out knew she had a guy? He is just as slimey. The only situation where the person shares none of the responsibility is if they genuinely did not know the person was involved.

 

Also some people are being silly, stop saying if the boss is married his cheating will be discovered sooner or later. You guys should know better if you've been on this forum for any length of time. People DO NOT always get caught. Some people are so utterly callous and manipulative they play the part of the loving respectful spouse so well their partner never knows about their transgressions. So I am sorry, I think he absolutely should inform the bosses wife. "She will eventually find out" is not good enough, and not guaranteed. If she does find out..how many years would she of wasted with this guy, when you can nip it in the butt right now?

[SycamoreCircle]

I am SO glad you exposed her to your friends and family. One more thing I need to add is: people need to stop with the "you never blame the third party!" nonsense. If this other guy KNEW this woman was involved with someone and still did it? Yeah, he is slime too and shares part of the blame. It takes two to tango, and if he flat out knew she had a guy? He is just as slimey. The only situation where the person shares none of the responsibility is if they genuinely did not know the person was involved.

 

Also some people are being silly, stop saying if the boss is married his cheating will be discovered sooner or later. You guys should know better if you've been on this forum for any length of time. People DO NOT always get caught. Some people are so utterly callous and manipulative they play the part of the loving respectful spouse so well their partner never knows about their transgressions. So I am sorry, I think he absolutely should inform the bosses wife. "She will eventually find out" is not good enough, and not guaranteed. If she does find out..how many years would she of wasted with this guy, when you can nip it in the butt right now?

Totally agree. After it happened to me, I'm even judicious with women I speak to at parties or anywhere socially. If I find out they're taken, I limit my conversation and keep it very polite. Some may disagree with me, but I wish the same respect would have been extended to me.

[RobbieA]

Had my first therapist session today. The VA, I just couldn't wait for the paperwork, etc.

 

Although I did not get that "cathartic" feeling I hoped to obtain, it was good to get some of my feelings out in the open.

 

She did comment that I handled things well.

[RobbieA]

I want to clear something up, without hurting some peoples feelings. I handled this situation the way I did for me, not for everyone else. I do fully understand that many posters have been betrayed, and read my story and sort of live vicariously through what I am going through.

 

Every decision I make in life, I do it based upon my own belief system, not because someone told me to do so.

 

People often ask questions or make comments, without fully reading the thread, and that is frustrating. In regards to the male party who was involved in the cheating, I stated early on about his relationship status, even when I wasn't sure people would skip over parts and automatically say, "tell the wife!".

 

I do believe in karma. No matter manipulative, callous, cold, hollow souled a person is, I do believe the truth will come out. Either in the form of an STD, a spontaneous Freudian slip, or some other circumstance, I do believe that cheaters meet the truth in one form or another.

[writergal]

Had my first therapist session today. The VA, I just couldn't wait for the paperwork, etc.

 

Although I did not get that "cathartic" feeling I hoped to obtain, it was good to get some of my feelings out in the open.

 

She did comment that I handled things well.

 

You don't have to be perfect. It's therapy. How it goes depends on what you want to get out of it, and if the therapist's personality is a good match for yours. Try a few more sessions and see how it goes. If you don't mesh with your therapist, ask for someone else.

[peruano99]

I can't believe she told people you were cheating on her.

[RobbieA]

I can't believe she told people you were cheating on her.

 

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

[JS84]

I have a feeling with all of her friends turning on her, not too many people will believe her. Glad you're hanging in there.

[bubbaganoosh]

Robbie A the main thing is you getting through this with the least amount of hassle. Everyone has their own way of dealing with personal problems and if I wore a hat, I would tip it in your direction.

 

You handled this lousy situation like an adult and a man. You could have gone off the deep end or got in her face and read her the riot act, gone after the bum that knocked her up but you didn't.

 

I'm happy to here that you got to see someone down at the VA and your getting yourself squared away. It will take time to get this out of your system because it's something that doesn't go away over night. Just stay the course and you'll come out of this OK. So far you haven't let her get under your skin and she's probably not done although sooner or later she's going to realize that she can't get that final shot in for her own satisfaction like her saying that you cheated on her and she'll fade away. Your doing good friend.

[Silveron]

You know how to handle things the best and it sounds like you are doing a good job. As from experience like yours, I was cheated on by my ex-fiancée less than a year before we were to get married, to a guy I considered a close friend.

 

 

When I found out, she left the house immediately, my german shepherd who adored her would wait by the door 24/7 for her to come home. It got to the point that she was biting and scratching herself raw from anxiety. She didn't know what happened, only that Tara has left and did not come back. The vet tried meds but it didn't help. Just a lot excerise with your pup to make sure he has an outlet as well.

 

 

I know the feeling that you have right now, it's a hollow feeling like everything that you were living for was ripped out from you. It's hard to trust people and you feel fooled by the one who was suppose to love you the most.

 

 

When she did this to me, I put full blame on her for the first six months, didn't even think about what I could have done bad in the relationship. It sunk me to a very low point, to the point of becoming suicidal. Glad you are getting therapy for this, all they did was hop me up on some meds which did not help.

 

 

As time slowly moved on, I forced myself to do some soul searching on what I have done wrong in the relationship. Granted what she or what Tara did was inexcusable, you and I have our faults in our relationships. When I looked back at moments when Tara would say certain things to me, I didn't put much stock into it and blew her off not knowing how bad a certain comment hurt her, etc..

 

 

Also know that good people make bad decisions. Unless she is BPD or a sociopath, there is a reason for what she has done. As a man, I wanted to know 'why', because knowing 'why' will help me prevent it from happening again in the future with another woman. Thing is, her answer wouldn't prevent it from happening to me in the future with someone else. Life doesn't come with an instruction booklet, we don't know what's on the next page. All I know is that I had to rebuild my life from scratch due to her selfishness.

 

 

Please look up the seven signs of grief, it's meant for when you lose someone. It will give you an idea on what you will be experiencing. It took me a year to recover to the point that I could date again, however 15 years later the hurt she put upon me has still made me look at others who want to get close to me with a weary eye.

 

 

You are smart in not getting into another relationship, too much comparison would be done to your ex, and you wouldn't be giving the new chick a fair chance. You will be on a roller coaster of emotions for quite awhile. Don't act on them, continue to let your head be the decision maker.

[Radu]

So, whoever the poster was that predicted she would write me a letter, they were correct.

 

A letter was stuck in between some newspaper advertisements and it was from her.

 

Well, I took that letter, put it on the BBQ outside and burned it. I don't want to read her words, it would only poison my brain and thought process.

 

Additionally, it took me about two hours cleaning up my Facebook page removing any and all pictures of her and I together. This is it folks, it has hit me like a freight train, I am single and alone.

 

It's all about control if you think about it Robbie and the desire to control.

 

She kept it hidden, and had the abortion to keep you in the dark, to remove the option from you, to control you.

She was betrayed and she lost this control.

Worse is that because of you she lost control over her public image and for a woman that is biiiiiig [the public image part].

Her blaming you is an attempt at regaining some control or stopping the damage from spreading [too little too late tbh ... but this is pure instinct].

 

Now this is where it gets interesting, please follow this train of thought.

 

When you cut her out of your life, you did it in such a way that she could not enforce herself, had no saying ... had no way to control things.

She could have called you, but you would have hanged up; she could have texted you but it was not enough characters; she could have met you someplace but you would have just walked/driven away.

She chose to write a letter [probably by hand ... a form of reminding you of her, of accesing that information], because she knew that when opening it ... you would not have stopped from reading it in full.

 

Her big purpose is still control.

But for that to happen she has to draw you into a conversation ... it does not matter if it's idiotic ... as long as you end up arguing with her, and have a conversation based on this ... she will win something.

It's a first step towards re-establishing control ... and then she will decide if she wants to keep you or diss you ... but the key is that the decision will be hers, and not yours.

 

As long as refuse to argue with her, talk to her, engage her ... she can't win.

 

Expect more rumors and more attempts at contact.

She might contact someone you know to tell you that you left something behind, hell ... in the extreme even suing someone is a social interaction of sorts.

As long as you do not engage ... you win.

 

PS: You seem to be the kind of guy who goes into 'taking care of business' mode when huge stuff happens to him [great ppl to have around when **** hits the fan and everyone is losing their metaphoric heads over it].

At some point the emotions that you might otherwise feel [but you pushed back] are going to hit you out of nowhere ... so stick with therapy.

Edited June 2, 2015 by Radu

[TrustedthenBusted]

Radu nailed it. The loss of control is the hardest part for the cheater. In fact they can't even begin to think about, or repent for what they've done to YOU until they've reestablished some semblance of control over their own image and surroundings.

 

My wife didn't really start thinking about what she had done until it was clear that neither of us wanted anything to do with her. Once any control over us was over, she accepted her position, and that's when I started getting the truth, and she started becoming a better person.

[eric1]

Robbie,

 

I think you're a kick ass dude who has handled everything perfectly, but I would ask that you reconsider informating your ex-wife's boyfriend's spouse. In this day and age of STDs I think that she would deserve to know if she was being exposed through unprotected sex. It's less about your ex-wife's boyfriend getting his come-uppance, and more about protecting a fellow (innocent) human.

 

It's just my .02 and presented with all the due respect that you've earned

 

Eric