Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[DKT3]

She said you tried to "ruin her life"? WOW.

 

Of course she did, he blow up both of her relationships. In the twisted minds that means what she is going through is his fault. His fault that he won't talk to her after she cheated, his fault that the OM found out she aborted his child.

 

Stay strong, she likely doesn't mean or believe what she is saying, my guess is she will do and say anything to get a reaction. It will get worse before she finally gets the hint.

[minime13]

I don't know about her affair partner. One part of me wants to believe that he was being genuine. But, another part of me thinks that he was conducting damage control to stop a Marine with combat experience from hunting him down.

 

 

Blah, who knows! One thing is for sure. This dude is going to blast her on the pregnancy. Would love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

 

I think it is an aspect of him finding out that he was in an affair with a Marine on the other end, and he didn't want him coming after him. Damage control, for sure, but the actions of reaching out to explain would tell me that he was an unwilling participant in an affair. Someone that would knowingly do this, to me, would put up a front.

 

To the OP: you have done an outstanding job in keeping composure and acting on a clear head. I don't know how you did it, but please keep up that strength in your own healing process. It will take a while for you to trust again, and I know you don't see how it's possible right now, but just keep your head up. It is possible, and by seeing the resolve you've had here in handling such a horrible thing, you are fully capable of battling through this.

[Satu]

She will never accept responsibility for her actions.

 

Never.

 

In situations like this, the peace of mind comes from knowing the true story, and allowing the other party to pull the wool over their own eyes, if that's the best they can do.

 

It really doesn't matter what she thinks.

 

She might believe that the Earth is flat, but it isn't.

 

Only the truth is true.

[eric1]

In the short term I'd suggest going into lockdown -

 

Change all of these settings to basically friends only and don't accept and new friend requests

 

Stop strangers from contacting you on Facebook - CNET

[SycamoreCircle]

She will never accept responsibility for her actions.

 

Never.

 

In situations like this, the peace of mind comes from knowing the true story, and allowing the other party to pull the wool over their own eyes, if that's the best they can do.

 

It really doesn't matter what she thinks.

 

She might believe that the Earth is flat, but it isn't.

 

Only the truth is true.

Satu, I'm curious to understand your statement. You don't believe that 10 years from now, she can be at a point in her life where she realizes her mistake and atones for it?

[Satu]

Satu, I'm curious to understand your statement. You don't believe that 10 years from now, she can be at a point in her life where she realizes her mistake and atones for it?

 

That's obviously just my opinion, but people who are capable of such deceit and depravity have a fundamental character flaw, which means that the things they do are in their 'moral blind spot.'

 

They just can't see the wrongness of what they did.

 

I wouldn't apply that to all cheaters, but in this case I feel it to be true.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Satu

[RobbieA]

That's obviously just my opinion, but people who are capable of such deceit and depravity have a fundamental character flaw, which means that the things they do are in their 'moral blind spot.'

 

They just can't see the wrongness of what they did.

 

I wouldn't apply that to all cheaters, but in this case I feel it to be true.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with Satu. Someone who can pull of such depravity at such a mature age in my eyes has no future in monogamy or healthy relationships. Unless she goes to therapy everyday for the next ten years to figure out what is wrong with her and try to fix it, she is damaged goods. Literally.

[Morro72]

She will have to go somewhere where nobody knows her and pretend to have amnesia. Even that may not work.

[DKT3]

I wholeheartedly agree with Satu. Someone who can pull of such depravity at such a mature age in my eyes has no future in monogamy or healthy relationships. Unless she goes to therapy everyday for the next ten years to figure out what is wrong with her and try to fix it, she is damaged goods. Literally.

 

I think as you get more distance and reflect on the relationship you will find that her behaviour isn't as unpredictable as it seems now. We (men moreso then women) tend to overlook or totally ignore other things that are red flags along the way.

 

I know in my situation it made me rethink a couple questionable events from the past, it completed the puzzle on things she had said and done. Cheating or affairs are not normally isolated, sure it MAY BE the first time she cheated, but not the first time that she has acted with total disrespect and lack of caring towards you.

 

I bring this up for situations down the road when you feel weak, it will happen trust me.

[Binster]

Have to say until you first posted her age I had thought she was only about 22/23 years old.

 

She sounded so juvenile.

[RobbieA]

As far a reflecting on the relationship. Understand that I have been in a serious relationship prior to enlisting, and while enlisted and or deployed. The dynamics of both of them are on the other end of the spectrum.

 

While having the long distance relationship where I am away for periods of time, I am not around to observe things or red flags in the same manner I would in civilian life.

 

Thinking about it, I do believe if this were not a military relationship, I would of caught glimpses of her true colors anyway.

[Spectre]

I just want to say this girl had true friends. They did the right thing. Too many people would of kept quiet about this out of "loyalty" but a true friend can recognize when their friend has gone way too far and needs to be set straight. There are far too many people who keep quiet about these things. They think they have no right to do anything because it isn't their business. To that I say: a person in a relationship has no right to cheat either, so never feel bad about spreading a little truth around.

 

Look at this situation right here and see how it saves lives. If Robbie had not found out he would of ended up with this horrid she devil for the rest of his life, but because these women said "yeah, our friend is god damn shady" they saved him from wasting years and years of his life. For me, that is right up there with..if they saw him in a building on fire and pulled him to safety.

 

Since I basically limited my ex's choices of communication to sending me smoke signals, she made a fake Facebook profile and sent me a message berating me for speaking to her former boss.

 

Looks like from what I read and how angry she seemed, he really ripped into her. Oh well, that's life. Being an adult isn't easy.

 

She called me a liar, accused me of trying to ruin her life, and called me a "Jarhead loser". No offense taken, I am very confident in the decision I made to serve my country. I wasn't a "Jarhead loser" when I slipped a very expensive ring on her finger was I ? Bitterness all around.

 

And no, I did not respond and blocked that profile.

 

I'm actually curious about what else the message said in terms of specifics, but of course you don't have to post them. I'm just curious about a few things:

 

-is she still attempting to get back with you or was this just to berate you?

-is she actually denying the abortion took place or has she admitted it?

-her boss ripped into her, did she say he broke up with her or is was he just upset with her?

-has she been trying to get you to see her in person?

 

You said you have a piece of paper that proves the abortion. I'd tell her that if she continues to deny she had one or if she continues to contact you that you will post the piece of paper on Facebook. In fact, I'd say if you hear that she is spreading ANY nasty lies about you..that you will post that for the entire world to see. She does not get to betray you and cheat on you and then have the audacity to bash you on top of that.

 

She won't seek help, selfish people tend to not do that and just blame others for any problems. She needs a reality check, stat. In fact you know what I'd post the abortion slip online either way..like I said, a reality check is needed. At this point most people would just back off to lick their wounds, but this girl just doesn't know when to stop.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Spectre

[spanz1]

posting medical info about a person can get you into a lot of trouble. i would just wipe her memory from my mind, and go on having a better life without ever thinking of her again.

[RobbieA]

Just checking in. Went to therapy again, therapist is very very nice, I feel comfortable talking to her. Session went well.

 

Yesterday evening, my friends and I went to a lounge. I met someone, actually she was hitting on me. I explained to her that I am emotionally unavailable and am freshly out of a Jerry Springer break up. She too just recently had a break up. We exchanged numbers on the auspices of being friends.

 

Before everyone starts warning me, I plan to keep this platonic. She is easy to talk to, and I have no intentions of "rebounding". Our conversations have substance. She was warned that I am no where near ready for something else other then friends.

[RobbieA]

I just want to say this girl had true friends. They did the right thing. Too many people would of kept quiet about this out of "loyalty" but a true friend can recognize when their friend has gone way too far and needs to be set straight. There are far too many people who keep quiet about these things. They think they have no right to do anything because it isn't their business. To that I say: a person in a relationship has no right to cheat either, so never feel bad about spreading a little truth around.

 

Look at this situation right here and see how it saves lives. If Robbie had not found out he would of ended up with this horrid she devil for the rest of his life, but because these women said "yeah, our friend is god damn shady" they saved him from wasting years and years of his life. For me, that is right up there with..if they saw him in a building on fire and pulled him to safety.

 

 

 

I'm actually curious about what else the message said in terms of specifics, but of course you don't have to post them. I'm just curious about a few things:

 

-is she still attempting to get back with you or was this just to berate you?

-is she actually denying the abortion took place or has she admitted it?

-her boss ripped into her, did she say he broke up with her or is was he just upset with her?

-has she been trying to get you to see her in person?

 

You said you have a piece of paper that proves the abortion. I'd tell her that if she continues to deny she had one or if she continues to contact you that you will post the piece of paper on Facebook. In fact, I'd say if you hear that she is spreading ANY nasty lies about you..that you will post that for the entire world to see. She does not get to betray you and cheat on you and then have the audacity to bash you on top of that.

 

She won't seek help, selfish people tend to not do that and just blame others for any problems. She needs a reality check, stat. In fact you know what I'd post the abortion slip online either way..like I said, a reality check is needed. At this point most people would just back off to lick their wounds, but this girl just doesn't know when to stop.

 

No, it doesn't seem like she is trying to get back with me, seems more like berating and damage control or self preservation on her part.

 

She has not denied it, nor has she openly said "I had an abortion".

 

As far as her boss ripping into her, she didn't confirm nor deny that they are still seeing each other.

 

No she has not attempted to see me, I basically shut down all modes of communication.

 

I will not post the paper on Facebook, she has suffered enough as the truth came out, as stated earlier I will not kick her while she is down. Regardless of the circumstances an abortion is a very traumatic decision that has to be made, it is in not in my character to go use that angle.

[TrustedthenBusted]

J

 

Before everyone starts warning me, ...

 

 

You won't get any warnings from me, bro. You seem to have an incredibly level head. I say go out, have a great time, do what you like with people you like, and don't let ANY of what happened slow you down one bit.

[RobbieA]

You won't get any warnings from me, bro. You seem to have an incredibly level head. I say go out, have a great time, do what you like with people you like, and don't let ANY of what happened slow you down one bit.

 

Thank you. Yes my guard is up but I have nothing but good intentions, I just hope she does too.

[Satu]

 

I will not post the paper on Facebook, she has suffered enough as the truth came out, as stated earlier I will not kick her while she is down. Regardless of the circumstances an abortion is a very traumatic decision that has to be made, it is in not in my character to go use that angle.

 

I like your reasoning.

 

People should experience the consequences of their actions, but we don't have to be the hangman.

 

Life will take care of the consequences.

 

Take care Robbie, you are a prince among men.

[Clay]

Just checking in. Went to therapy again, therapist is very very nice, I feel comfortable talking to her. Session went well.

 

Yesterday evening, my friends and I went to a lounge. I met someone, actually she was hitting on me. I explained to her that I am emotionally unavailable and am freshly out of a Jerry Springer break up. She too just recently had a break up. We exchanged numbers on the auspices of being friends.

 

Before everyone starts warning me, I plan to keep this platonic. She is easy to talk to, and I have no intentions of "rebounding". Our conversations have substance. She was warned that I am no where near ready for something else other then friends.

 

There is nothing wrong with making friends for now.

[Morbius]

There is nothing wrong with making friends for now.

 

Absolutely nothing. It is good to have someone who can empathize with you. Of course your guarded, but am glad you are reaching out instead of shutting down. Very healthy.

 

I am impressed with your matter of fact attitude, and understanding what must be done. You always take the high road and it is cleansing you.

 

Healing with a new friend eases the pain of your heart.

[RobbieA]

My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well.

 

She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life.

 

Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint.

[Morro72]

My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well.

 

She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life.

 

Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint.

You come across as the sort of guy who is so self-confident that he has no need to prove anything to anybody. More of a man than that just does not exist.

[fancy feast]

Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint.

 

**** no. You've handled this as well as can be expected. Beating up the other guy wouldn't have done anything except maybe land you in jail. Take the high road, and keep your head up.

[understand50]

My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well.

 

She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life.

 

Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint.

 

No, you handle it well. As you have stated, the OM may have been a some what of a victim as well. In any case it is not clear cut issue, so restraint was called for. You Honor is clean, and you are a example of what to do in this circumstance.

 

2635

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint.

 

What good would it do? OK after you beat him simple, maybe break a hand, not to mention a couple laws and be arrested, guess what, the problem didn't go away. Matter in fact, you gain another problem and it's yours alone.

 

Comes down to this, no guy gets to first base with any woman unless she wants him to, same as second base third and home plate. He isn't you problem, she is or was. He took what she offered plain and simple.

 

One other thing. Kicking his ass makes it look like your defending her honor or showing that she still means something to you and you handed her another ace for her hand. Old saying, Leave a sleeping dog lie.