Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[66Charger]

Cant wait until your X spots the two of you walking down the street.

FIREWORKS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY!!!

[RobbieA]

I really don't feel the need to rub anything in my ex's face as it serves zero purpose. Everyone knows who and what she is.

 

On another note I am leaving for vacation on Wednesday so I won't be able to post for a week. Happy Father's Day to all.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, be aware that your new fling, however much you give it the stamp of quality and authenticity, is in the service of your ego. You're not ready for intimacy. I'm not telling you not to carry on with her. Good for you! It's just you're still processing a very traumatic event and will be processing it for a long time.

 

There will probably come a time when you question your involvement with this new person. That's part of the process. I guess I'm just telling you to not have misgivings over what has unfolded.

[sweet_pea]

Have a good trip, you deserve it!

[RobbieA]

OP, be aware that your new fling, however much you give it the stamp of quality and authenticity, is in the service of your ego. You're not ready for intimacy. I'm not telling you not to carry on with her. Good for you! It's just you're still processing a very traumatic event and will be processing it for a long time.

 

There will probably come a time when you question your involvement with this new person. That's part of the process. I guess I'm just telling you to not have misgivings over what has unfolded.

 

I would not classify this as a fling, but that is just my take on things. Thanks for your take on things.

[RobbieA]

Have a good trip, you deserve it!

 

Thank you, I am actually psyched to have some R & R.

[RobbieA]

I just found out from my ex's former friend that my ex attempted to take her life. I feel horrible.

 

She posted something on her Facebook wall and took about 25-30 Ambien pills. She is currently in the hospital under psych watch.

 

Yes, her actions gutted me, but how can I not feel bad ? I would not wish harm on anyone, even her. I feel horrible that as bad as things are going for she chose to try and hurt herself.

 

Life is precious, life is short, I cannot wrap my head around her wanting to not be around anymore. Yes, what she did to me was horrid, but she could change if she wanted too, therapy, etc.

 

I am wrestling with the notion of going to visit her. My one sister says no. Should I send a card ? I am very upset.

[CarrieT]

I feel horrible.

That is because you are a caring being. But it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

I am wrestling with the notion of going to visit her.

No.

 

My one sister says no.

Listen to your sister.

 

 

Should I send a card ?

No.

 

I have a feeling she took enough not to take her life, but to trigger a reaction from you. It is another level of manipulation on her part. Don't buy into it.

[RobbieA]

That is because you are a caring being. But it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

 

No.

 

 

Listen to your sister.

 

 

 

No.

 

I have a feeling she took enough not to take her life, but to trigger a reaction from you. It is another level of manipulation on her part. Don't buy into it.

 

Carrie, thank you for responding. I appreciate it. What if everything came full circle and she legit thought there was nothing else to live for ?

 

Maybe she realized the extent of how messed up she is that she couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I have been in this situation before, with fellow Marines, who were diagnosed with PTSD and either committed suicide or tried. Maybe it was a cry for help on her part ?

[CarrieT]

It *is* a cry for help but it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO HELP HER.

 

She has to help herself. You can't do it for her.

 

Unlike your fellow Marines, this war is of her own making and she will have to deal with it on her own accord.

 

If she believes she has nothing to live for, there is nothing you can do to make it better. She can't live for you or for anyone else. She has to live for herself first.

[lolablue17]

Well, here is the thing...

 

Of course her "taking pills" is to get your attention. You're her only address for that.

 

Right now you owe her nothing. But look at the big picture. You have everything, especially the appreciation of everybody. She has nothing, she's a total loss, lost it all, especially her dignity. She knows that everybody talk about her and say "look, that cheater lost it all, poor girl". She is humiliated to the lowest point a human being can go. She thinks you despise her and hate her.

 

If you show up and give her a visit, you can say that you don't despise her, and you don't hate her, that she can change and rebuild her life, learning from her mistakes. By this gesture you will help this woman a lot! It even might give her the tool she needs to start healing.

 

You don't have to do it. You really don't. I'm just trying to show you the other option view.

Edited June 23, 2015 by lolablue17

[FusionCutter]

I just found out from my ex's former friend that my ex attempted to take her life. I feel horrible.

 

She posted something on her Facebook wall and took about 25-30 Ambien pills. She is currently in the hospital under psych watch.

 

Yes, her actions gutted me, but how can I not feel bad ? I would not wish harm on anyone, even her. I feel horrible that as bad as things are going for she chose to try and hurt herself.

 

Life is precious, life is short, I cannot wrap my head around her wanting to not be around anymore. Yes, what she did to me was horrid, but she could change if she wanted too, therapy, etc.

 

I am wrestling with the notion of going to visit her. My one sister says no. Should I send a card ? I am very upset.

 

Do what you feel is right, irregardless of what anyone says here. You've proven time and time again you know the right course of path. I think we all trust your judgment.

 

PS. Sorry for what you're going through. Can't imagine the sheer amount of emotions you must be going through.

[darkbloom]

I think this is her largest scheme in her bag of trickery. You can feel bad and not

visit her and still be a good person.

 

She gave up her right to have you come running in to save her when she cheated while you were deployed.

 

Every action has a consequence and hers is no longer having you as her knight in shining armor.

[merrmeade]

Of course her "taking pills" is to get your attention. You're her only address for that.

 

Right now you owe her nothing. But look at the big picture. You have everything, especially the appreciation of everybody. She has nothing, she's a total loss, lost it all, especially her dignity. She knows that everybody talk about her and say "look, that cheater lost it all, poor girl". She is humiliated to the lowest point a human being can go. She thinks you despise her and hate her.

 

If you show up and give her a visit, you can say that you don't despise her, and you don't hate her, that she can change and rebuild her life, learning from her mistakes. By this gesture you will help this woman a lot! It even might give her the tool she needs to start healing.

 

You don't have to do it. You really don't. I'm just trying to show you the other option view.

All this ^^^^^ and in just this order IF and ONLY if you could do so with 100% certainty that you would not hurt yourself. Personally I don't see how anyone can guarantee you'll be free and clear after. It's too soon.

 

Maybe you could write a letter. Maybe. It might make you feel better and do her good as well. You could say what lolablue suggests but clarify that your intention is not to resume contact. You want to encourage her to get better for herself.

 

Just a thought...

[Cephalopod]

Leave her alone and let the professionals treat her. You are not her white knight and you cannot save her. The people at the psychiatric clinic deal with this all the time. They will know what to do. Trust them. Stay out of it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Better to err on the side of mercy than to err on the side of withholding your presence.

 

There've been times when I've thought to sacrifice my own well being to tend to someone who has been ruthless with me. In the end, I've been surprised at the greater blessing that has to come to me for making the sacrifice.

 

If you're able to, and could reach out to her in kindness to let her know she's forgiven and you wish her well you may be surprised at how it blesses your own life. Especially in the long run.

 

I also want to say to those who think she was faking it. Maybe she was. However, even if she was faking it this time, it could be a trial run for a future suicide success.

 

I have two suicides in my extended family. One of the suicides was a result of this type situation only it was a male who took his life. The impact on others who were innocent has been extremely debilitating and has ruined one other life.

 

If you are so inclined to reach out to her you may not only help her but also others who may be touched by her decisions via the ripple effect.

 

I can tell you it's not something you can predict and never assume someone is faking it. If someone gets to the point they are even considering it they need all of the mercy and kindness they can get.

 

Yes, professionals know how to deal with it. But, it's a long process and everything anyone who is important to the patient can contribute is helpful.

[Cephalopod]

I don't even know why you think you would be able to get into the psych clinic to see her. You are not family and they probably would not let you in, nor would she be getting any mail from anyone.

 

They usually isolate the patient from any visitors for fear the visitor might smuggle something in or behave in a way that would cause the patient stress.

 

I know that when my ex-SIL got put in the psych ward a few weeks ago after my brother committed suicide, they would not let anyone see her, not even her own daughters, until they got her stabilized.

[autumnnight]

In her current state, family will be the only ones allowed to visit, and even that will be sparse.

 

Regardless of what sh was or is feeling, SHE is the one who made the attempt to commit suicide. You cannot take that on.

 

As a survivor myself, I will not jump on the know-it-all "it was only for attention" bandwagon because 30 Ambien is quite a bit of "attention," but this is not your responsibility in any way.

 

The best thing for both of you is to continue to move forward. Being in her life for a crisis will not truly help either of you.

[10thengineerharrison]

I think that, other than family, who I would hope is there for her, her friends who informed you of the affair would be the next best people to talk to her.

 

Sadly, this is one of the fallout things that cheaters don't anticipate. My W, in fact, says she chose to have an affair because it was better than the only alternative she could see at the time - suicide. Which is crazy, of course, but she couldn't see that at the time.

 

Robbie: You are a good man. You will likely be better than most people at getting closure with her in ways that might ultimately benefit her as well as you, once you're truly to the "indifference" stage. But I'm not going to suggest anything specific. I think you can figure out what works best for you.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[understand50]

I just found out from my ex's former friend that my ex attempted to take her life. I feel horrible.

 

She posted something on her Facebook wall and took about 25-30 Ambien pills. She is currently in the hospital under psych watch.

 

Yes, her actions gutted me, but how can I not feel bad ? I would not wish harm on anyone, even her. I feel horrible that as bad as things are going for she chose to try and hurt herself.

 

Life is precious, life is short, I cannot wrap my head around her wanting to not be around anymore. Yes, what she did to me was horrid, but she could change if she wanted too, therapy, etc.

 

I am wrestling with the notion of going to visit her. My one sister says no. Should I send a card ? I am very upset.

 

RobbieA,

 

Your compassion does you credit. Her attempt is not a reflection on you, as she has made her choices in life. I understand your first thoughts to try and help. Life is short and fleeting, but right now she sees it all gone, by things she did. I think reality has hit her hard, and that she had nothing substantial inside to get her trough it.

 

Because you are a decent caring man, I see that you may decide to reach out to her. The following is my advise, but I am sure what ever you come up with will be better. IF you do this, you will be walking a fine line, you want to give succor, but not give her any false hope you and her have a life together. May be, all she needs to hear is that you "forgive" her for what she has done. In the end remember "do no damage".

 

So. I would write a letter, give it to her father, and then let him and the doctors decide if and how they should use it to help her.

 

I would divide the letter into 3 paragraphs.

 

1) Letting her know you are concerned for her, do not wish that see end her life, but let her know, really plainly, that there is no chance of getting back together.

 

2) This should be the "I forgive you part". I would talk a little about how hard it was to find out about what happened, but that you do not think she is a evil person. That you did love her once, and forgive her. I would bring up the fact that ending her life would cause pain to all who love her, her family, friends, and yourself. Point out that does she really want to end her life on this note?

 

3) Hope for the future. State that you hope she gets better, she can become a better person, and that there is someone out there for her, and that you wish her well, and luck. Life is better when you can live it.

 

Anyway, please keep in mind you are not to blame, and your honer is clean. Before doing anything I would reach out to her father and see if you can be of help, but would only offer to write a letter.

 

Lastly, if you decide to nothing, this is moral, and honorable as well. I wrote the above, as I know you are a Marine, and Marine's are compassionate warriors, who try and make things right. I do not see you standing on the side lines. Just look out for yourself, as well.

 

As always, I wish the best of luck for you.

[Satu]

The fact that she's hit bottom might be a good thing, and might signal a turning point in her life.

 

She's alive, breathing, and walking on two feet.

 

Everything after that depends on her and the choices she makes.

 

There's an opportunity there if she wants it.

 

Nobody can do any of this for her though.

 

It all depends on her own efforts.

[merrmeade]

RobbieA,

 

Your compassion does you credit. Her attempt is not a reflection on you, as she has made her choices in life. I understand your first thoughts to try and help. Life is short and fleeting, but right now she sees it all gone, by things she did. I think reality has hit her hard, and that she had nothing substantial inside to get her trough it.

 

Because you are a decent caring man, I see that you may decide to reach out to her. The following is my advise, but I am sure what ever you come up with will be better. IF you do this, you will be walking a fine line, you want to give succor, but not give her any false hope you and her have a life together. May be, all she needs to hear is that you "forgive" her for what she has done. In the end remember "do no damage".

 

So. I would write a letter, give it to her father, and then let him and the doctors decide if and how they should use it to help her.

 

I would divide the letter into 3 paragraphs.

 

1) Letting her know you are concerned for her, do not wish that see end her life, but let her know, really plainly, that there is no chance of getting back together.

 

2) This should be the "I forgive you part". I would talk a little about how hard it was to find out about what happened, but that you do not think she is a evil person. That you did love her once, and forgive her. I would bring up the fact that ending her life would cause pain to all who love her, her family, friends, and yourself. Point out that does she really want to end her life on this note?

 

3) Hope for the future. State that you hope she gets better, she can become a better person, and that there is someone out there for her, and that you wish her well, and luck. Life is better when you can live it.

 

Anyway, please keep in mind you are not to blame, and your honer is clean. Before doing anything I would reach out to her father and see if you can be of help, but would only offer to write a letter.

 

Lastly, if you decide to nothing, this is moral, and honorable as well. I wrote the above, as I know you are a Marine, and Marine's are compassionate warriors, who try and make things right. I do not see you standing on the side lines. Just look out for yourself, as well.

 

As always, I wish the best of luck for you.

This is nicely done, highlighting those qualities we've come to respect about Robbie and identify with him, the same qualities that will also make him vulnerable in this situation.

[RobbieA]

Tomorrow, I leave for vacation so I will not be posting for a week or so. Anyway, I read everyone's responses, advice, etc however this is my life and trust myself to make the right decision and course of action.

 

One poster called it by writing her a letter, which is what I did. I called her father (he is presumably upset at the situation) and met him to give him the letter. I told him not to give it to my ex until she is out of the hospital.

 

In the letter, I told her that I forgive her, even though she did the unthinkable. I didn't make it a point to put any vitriol in my words. I told her I wanted her to get better, change her life, and be successful and happy. I did not insinuate anything that would make her think there would ever be a chance.

 

I am a compassionate person. Yes, in reality it is her problem, but everything is not so black and white. I do forgive her, however with that being said I would never take her back. She is hurting, and I make zero apologies for being a caring person.

 

And for all of you who think taking 30 ten mg pills of Ambien is just a smoke show, it really can kill you, shut down your central nervous system. Just a thought.

 

Anyways, I hope she gets better and moves on, I don't hate her, I hate what she did to me.

[understand50]

Tomorrow, I leave for vacation so I will not be posting for a week or so. Anyway, I read everyone's responses, advice, etc however this is my life and trust myself to make the right decision and course of action.

 

One poster called it by writing her a letter, which is what I did. I called her father (he is presumably upset at the situation) and met him to give him the letter. I told him not to give it to my ex until she is out of the hospital.

 

In the letter, I told her that I forgive her, even though she did the unthinkable. I didn't make it a point to put any vitriol in my words. I told her I wanted her to get better, change her life, and be successful and happy. I did not insinuate anything that would make her think there would ever be a chance.

 

I am a compassionate person. Yes, in reality it is her problem, but everything is not so black and white. I do forgive her, however with that being said I would never take her back. She is hurting, and I make zero apologies for being a caring person.

 

And for all of you who think taking 30 ten mg pills of Ambien is just a smoke show, it really can kill you, shut down your central nervous system. Just a thought.

 

Anyways, I hope she gets better and moves on, I don't hate her, I hate what she did to me.

 

 

No apologies needed.

 

Have a safe, fun, vacation.

[Cephalopod]

I don't think anyone here is making light of what she did. Maybe she actually did want to end it, that this was not just some cry for help. If she is that low and that depressed that she was ready to die, then she is very, very mentally ill and it will take her a lot of doctoring and therapy to get back to normal.

 

My brother killed himself several weeks ago and how I wish I had seen the signs, jumped on him, tied him up and kept him in a closet until the cops got there, but I didn't. I couldn't save him.

 

I'm glad you told your dad to wait until after she gets out of the hospital; to give her that letter. Now that you have, just back away and let her doctors and family take care of her. You have reached out and that's all you needed to do. Attempting to go see her would have been futile.