Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[bubbaganoosh]

Well there certainly will not be a next time. I would like to think I closed this chapter and moved onto the next, healing and reinventing myself.

 

You did. Until you had that face to face with her it was unfinished business. Granted she ambushed you and I told you that she would.

 

She said her peace and you said yours so now it's done. There's no other reason for her to contact you and honestly she's going to try because she has guilt and wants to blame you for it

 

You still need to get to the VA and talk to someone. Hope all is well.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

How did I let her pull the wool over my eyes ?

 

Real easy Robbie A. First she knew you trusted her. Then we have this. When all this took place, where were you and where was she. Out of sight, out of mind. Now the wool is off your eyes so go after life and enjoy it. You only go around once so take advantage of it.

[66Charger]

I am the one who should be sorry. How can I not see the warning signs? If there were any?

 

I am usually a good judge of character, spot on in most cases. We didn't rush into anything. We were friends first. Then dating. We took things slowly. I never saw any signs or areas of her life or personality/character that were of concern.

 

How did I let her pull the wool over my eyes ?

 

BECAUSE YOU WERE DEPLOYED!! Because maybe you had other things to worry about like STAYING ALIVE! AND KEEPING YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS ALIVE TOO.

 

That's why cheating on a military spouse is worse. You spouses have no idea how much we look at your pictures, think of you, need you when the sh@t hits the fan.

 

Again. Take the pain and start running.

[Morro72]

I am the one who should be sorry. How can I not see the warning signs? If there were any?

 

I am usually a good judge of character, spot on in most cases. We didn't rush into anything. We were friends first. Then dating. We took things slowly. I never saw any signs or areas of her life or personality/character that were of concern.

 

How did I let her pull the wool over my eyes ?

 

You did everything right.

 

It's quite possible that nobody could have seen this coming. It's even possible that she didn't see it coming. Not that this frees her of any responsibility for the choices she made, but I would bet that the only way you would have had a chance to see this coming was if you had not been deployed - and even then you may have been blindsided. A thousand stories on this site will attest to that possibility.

[Popsicle]

It seems my ex has been telling people I cheated on her ? Really? With who? A camel?

 

That's the truth. This isn't Vietnam or WWII. There is no one to cheat with!

[whichwayisup]

So, I didn't ask for this, but her ex-friend provided me proof that she had an abortion. It is a piece of paper, kind of luck after the procedure she needs to be signed out into someones care.

 

It seems my ex has been telling people I cheated on her ? Really? With who? A camel?

 

I didn't ask for a picture of this paper which looks 100% legit with her name, date, and other information.

 

Her friend gave it to me because she didn't want her smearing my name. Why are so many people going to bat for me ?

 

People see you for who you are, a kind person who loved the woman he was going to marry. Nobody wanted to see you get hurt and used by her, so they spoke up and saved you years of pain and betrayal.

 

Ha, your ex is ashamed and now wants you to suffer like she is. The truth of what she's done is killing her and she's hoping by making it seem like you were the one cheating people will turn on you and not her. So stupid and just shows where her mind is and how selfish she is too.

[TrustedthenBusted]

guy goes to the other side of the world and literally dodges bullets. who'da thunk the biggest bullet he'd dodge would be the one back at home?

 

I friggen DREAMT about this thread last night.

 

Keep your head up. What a truly valuable life lesson you've been given.

[Clay]

OP,

Let her say what ever she wants. In the end she is just trying to make people feel sorry for her and that in itself even more of a reason to walk away. She is clearly a loss cause. You found out the truth and your doing the right thing. Just keep focused on moving on and never look back.

 

If she was really sorry she would have dropped that guy the moment she knew you knew. She would have owned it 100% when people questioned her. This says everything her character and her morals. There are far better women out there.

 

Clay

[Sticky Fingers]

It's become ubiquitous the phrases "we support our troops" or "thank you for your service" but these 3 women should each get a medal for walking the walk and talking the talk by truly saving and supporting a good guy who put his life at risk for the sake of others.

 

A salute to these 3 women of character.

Edited May 29, 2015 by Sticky Fingers
one more thing

[RobbieA]

Hope everyone had a great day. As always, quality response and support. I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up this morning feeling empty like there is something missing.

 

Well there is something missing, and the context of how it ended does not matter. I am used to being in this relationship, and her cheating was a harsh but necessary ramification.

 

I ran five miles this morning to clear my head. I went to the VA to start the ball rolling, and I have a therapist that can see me as soon as Monday. I guess the reality of things is coming center right now. This is where I need to dig deep.

[Cephalopod]

The emptiness won't last. You're a Marine, in good shape...

 

The women will be throwing it at you. Just wait.

[Cephalopod]

You ought to date one of her friends who told you about the cheating. That would wrankle her.

[Satu]

Hope everyone had a great day. As always, quality response and support. I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up this morning feeling empty like there is something missing.

 

Well there is something missing, and the context of how it ended does not matter. I am used to being in this relationship, and her cheating was a harsh but necessary ramification.

 

I ran five miles this morning to clear my head. I went to the VA to start the ball rolling, and I have a therapist that can see me as soon as Monday. I guess the reality of things is coming center right now. This is where I need to dig deep.

 

Human beings have an incredible capacity for self-healing.

 

If you cut your finger, it heals.

 

If you break a bone, it heals.

 

It's exactly the same with emotional wounds.

 

If you suffer an emotional injury, it heals.

 

If you pay attention to your instincts and intuition, you'll be fine.

[RobbieA]

About dating one of her friends. I would never, even after what she did to me. I am not the type of person to stoop to her level. Besides, even if that was even on my mind, I highly doubt it would bother her. Nothing I would possible due can compare to what she did to me, period.

 

The reason why I am feeling empty is because I have dreamed of our wedding in the past, dreamed of our future together, hell we even picked out baby names. Now all I have is the lurid memory of something that was not real. She was not real, all it was was a macabre facade.

 

I am not ready to date, rebound, etc. I need to get back my self worth. Somehow.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

I am not ready to date, rebound, etc. I need to get back my self worth. Somehow.

 

You have it. You never lost it. She's the one with no self worth. Sooner or later your going to bump into her again. Watch and see who the one is that can't look the other in the eye.

 

Your right, your not ready to date. Too much on your plate and before you even consider dating you have to get her out of your system. Goo see the man at the VA and get it out. Then get you life in order and you'll know when the time is right.

[Popsicle]

Robbie, I can empathize with you. I was married to a soldier for over 5 years. I remember how many times he slammed some Army wives for cheating while their husbands were deployed and for marrying them just for the benefits. Come to find out when my ex "tired" of me, he told me he never loved me at all, just married me to get out of the barracks. Also had his profile up on a dating site almost our entire marriage, including during the time I was working so hard on the adoption of our daughter. This was a man I loved deeply, thought was honorable and someone I could trust. Had he deployed, I would never have dreamed of betraying his trust. His actions haunt me still, almost a year later. All I can say is she, like my ex, have no idea what loyalty, honor and integrity mean. Be strong and be glad you will have a chance to have the kind of lady in your life you deserve.

 

Holy ####@the bolded! I know that some soldiers marry women for benefits, but I'm wondering what possessed him to be so mean and callous and tell you this? Was it 'cause you caught him on a dating site?

Edited May 30, 2015 by Popsicle

[Morro72]

... hell we even picked out baby names.

I'm sure this won't be much consolation but for what it's worth in my experience picking out baby names often has less emotional significance to women than one might expect. Two very serious GFs of mine did this and those relationships crashed and burned, baby names nothwithstanding. My wife did it also but at a time when, in retrospect, she was nowhere near ready to seriously consider getting married or even engaged. Most people remember girls in high school who would endlessly scrawl "Mrs. Fred Zeeblezorp" (or whoever their crush-of-the-moment was) in their notebooks. For many the baby names are pretty much the same thing - just trying on a possible future to see how it looks in the mirror.

 

When it counts is when it goes on the birth certificate. Trust me, when that happens any remaining memories of your ex will be blown to kingdom come.

[whichwayisup]

About dating one of her friends. I would never, even after what she did to me. I am not the type of person to stoop to her level. Besides, even if that was even on my mind, I highly doubt it would bother her. Nothing I would possible due can compare to what she did to me, period.

 

The reason why I am feeling empty is because I have dreamed of our wedding in the past, dreamed of our future together, hell we even picked out baby names. Now all I have is the lurid memory of something that was not real. She was not real, all it was was a macabre facade.

 

I am not ready to date, rebound, etc. I need to get back my self worth. Somehow.

 

You need to grieve the loss of the life that you thought you were going to share with her. No way did you expect this! So it is a big thing, a life you were going to share together, have children. Poof, gone! because of her selfish and stupid actions. She may have loved you, but she loved herself more.

 

Exactly! Don't date anybody. You're in no condition to right now. Do take time to work through this and regain your confidence. What she did to you IS damaging and can make you mistrust others, so please do talk to a therapist so you can rid of the negatives and yucky feelings.

[tippydog90]

Popsicle,

He just has a cruel streak and completely lacks empathy, none of which was evident before we married.

[RobbieA]

I think empathy is one of the biggest traits that cheaters lack. On another note I went to the gym this morning rode my Harley down to the beach and I also started a journal cataloging my thoughts. It really is starting to hit me now.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, sounds like you're doing everything you can. Good for you! There's pain to come. Know that. It's not over yet. But believe that you can lick this. You can move on and take important lessons from this. Pain is the greatest teacher.

 

Some things that helped me initially:

 

-taking long walks

-talking to anyone who'd listen

-LoveShack

-talking about my feelings out loud to myself

-not dating and being OK with that

-taking a trip to an exotic location and making out with hot girls

-writing

 

I would also encourage you to dissociate yourself from her friends. You can do it gradually. Even though they helped you---they'll always be a painful reminder of that. Let them go. They'll understand.

[Satu]

I think empathy is one of the biggest traits that cheaters lack. On another note I went to the gym this morning rode my Harley down to the beach and I also started a journal cataloging my thoughts. It really is starting to hit me now.

Just let the feelings and thoughts come and go like any other thoughts and feelings.

 

Don't try to push them away, as that creates inner conflict and tension.

 

Don't dig for stuff either, as that can be overwhelming.

 

Just let things come and go.

 

You'll do fine.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle,

He just has a cruel streak and completely lacks empathy, none of which was evident before we married.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

[writergal]

I think empathy is one of the biggest traits that cheaters lack. On another note I went to the gym this morning rode my Harley down to the beach and I also started a journal cataloging my thoughts. It really is starting to hit me now.

 

I agree with you that cheaters lack empathy. Cheaters lack a self-awareness about how their actions impact those close to them, which is why some cheaters are real narcissists. They just don't care about other people yet can maintain the facade that they do.

 

I bet it felt great to hit the gym this morning and ride your Harley down to the beach.

 

WATER

I think water is a great source of meditation. In Buddhism, water symbolizes clarity and peacefulness. Water is used to clear away dirt, nourish, and refresh. Water has healing and transformational powers.

 

Why do you think the Roman baths were invented? Or why people's vacation destinations are in places like Florida, or the Bahamas? To be near the water.

 

I believe that people turn to water for insight and to calm down from feeling overwhelmed; to escape from the stress our lives encounter like broken engagements, being fired from jobs, illness, etc.,.

 

So, I think that we are hard-wired to be drawn to water in times of stress and crisis because water heals us emotionally and physically (think of rehab specialists who use heated pools to help accident and stroke victims recover).

 

Here, we have a lot of walk-able lakes with pedestrian walking trails and biking lanes that people frequent all year round. It's a great way to get exercise and some insight about one's life. I could never live in a state that didn't give people access to lakes or rivers to walk around, boat on, etc.

 

JOURNAL

Now that is a great tool to help you process all of the thoughts and emotions you feel about your broken engagement. It will help you chart your healing progress, as you can flip back through the pages to see how far that you've come, and maybe notice patterns in your own thinking with regards to conflict, etc. Keep that up. It will help you. And that's great that you have your first appt on Monday with a therapist at your local Veterans Center. Good luck with that.

 

I think you have your feet planted solid on the ground. We all heal ourselves. Some are better equipped than others. I think you are doing all the right things for yourself. Shows that you have a lot of self-awareness and inner strength.

[RobbieA]

So, whoever the poster was that predicted she would write me a letter, they were correct.

 

A letter was stuck in between some newspaper advertisements and it was from her.

 

Well, I took that letter, put it on the BBQ outside and burned it. I don't want to read her words, it would only poison my brain and thought process.

 

Additionally, it took me about two hours cleaning up my Facebook page removing any and all pictures of her and I together. This is it folks, it has hit me like a freight train, I am single and alone.