LivingWaterPlease Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well. She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life. Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint. Have been following your thread since it began but first time to post on it. As others have said, you come across as confident and strong. I know you've already said you're going to take things very slowly with your new friend and that seems wise to me. Also, it seems doubly wise in light of her comments about what she'd do in your situation. She has every reason to be angry which is one of the reasons she's not ready for a new relationship. However, it seems to me her anger meter is maxed out if she's telling you she'd take revenge on your fiancee were she in your place. Personally, I like to steer clear of vengeful people for more than one reason, but that's just me. Her extreme anger would be, to me, a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Morbius Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well. She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life. Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint. Certainly not, I admire your restraint. You are the most noble person, I never met. You acted wise, and took the high road. No regrets there. Be proud, you did not compromise who you are. Well done!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 It serves no purpose to kick a defeated enemy. Finish the mission and go home. Once home, put that crap behind you and LIVE the rest of your life. I would suggest you start limiting your talk abour the ex with the new woman. Let her feel that you can handle your business and not become "damaged" Based upon her character, she will get kicked enough later in life Link to post Share on other sites
HereTodayGoneTomorow Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well. She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life. Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint. The opposite. I think you handled it with utmost self respect and class. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint. You have behaved impeccably throughout, and have been rational and measured in all your decisions and actions. You can't be faulted. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well. She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life. Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint. I did not shame my wife one bit. In fact I never so much as called her a horrible name. Of course we are working it out, so I'm glad I don't have mistreatment on my record. As for the OM... well, I DID actually flip out and cause a little ( not much ) bodily harm. And I did it in front of a bunch of people. Thank God nobody had a cell phone rolling as it was not something I'd want floating around on World Star. lol. Do I regret hurting him? Yeah. I do. If I had it to do over again, I would have showed total indifference to him. I sometimes feel like what I did actually gave him a little more power over me than I would have liked. It was quite satisfying in the moment, but that satisfaction hasn't lasted nearly as long as the regret I've felt over making an ass of myself over it all. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well. She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life. Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint. Far from it. I think you handled it with the utmost dignity. ETA Remember he was duped as well. Edited June 10, 2015 by sandylee1 ETA Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 It doesn't matter that you didn't take her and him down. You didn't let them bring YOU down, and that's what the betrayed should focus on. There will always be wayward twats, but you are unique and needn't allow anyone to take advantage of you and deceive you. Look forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobbieA Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 You know, I kind of live with the attitude that my choices in life and success, failures etc. are attributed to what road I take. I kind of don't believe in good luck, or bad luck. Sometimes what is meant to be just really isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 You know, I kind of live with the attitude that my choices in life and success, failures etc. are attributed to what road I take. I kind of don't believe in good luck, or bad luck. Sometimes what is meant to be just really isn't. We have freedom of action, but only in the present. We can make choices, but only in the present. Our actions and choices today shape the future. If we do the right things today and make the right choices today, the future will take care of itself. If we feel good today, its because we made some choices that brought us to that place. All we have is the present. But it's enough Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobbieA Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 I didn't mention this at all, but I went to get a full STD workup, just to be safe. I am clean as a whistle. I did it because who knows how many times she cheated, etc. That anxiety out of the way! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Great news and relief that she didn't pass on an STD to you. As for the new 'friend', my only concern there is, the toxic and negative place she's in. You're in a healthy place, handling everything with grace and maturity and self confidence. Negativity has a way of spreading so if you find yourself feeling drained by this woman, don't spend a lot of time with her. Also set strong boundaries with her. Just because you're not into her or ready to get involved doesn't mean she isn't! She hit on you and she is very reactive/emotionally charged due to her own baggage. Don't let her bring you down. Link to post Share on other sites
Morbius Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I didn't mention this at all, but I went to get a full STD workup, just to be safe. I am clean as a whistle. I did it because who knows how many times she cheated, etc. That anxiety out of the way! You continue to amaze and impress. Always thinking. Glad all is clear. Very smart thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobbieA Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Doing some thinking and reading, many people go through a grieving period when going through a breakup, any kind of breakup, regardless of the circumstances. The way I see it, what my ex did was so egregious that it affects how I feel about the breakup. I broke up on my terms, based upon my decisions, I have to say that I miss her less and less each day. Is that normal ? I have read a few threads about infidelity/cheating and the grieving, depression, weight loss etc. affect people, the multitude of emotions. Maybe I am wired differently but i haven't really cried. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I think that one thing that really helped you and that probably makes a difference in how you feel about the breakup is that you had clear and convincing information about what was going on that came from an independent source. You didn't have to go through the ordeal of suspicion, investigation, trickle-truthing, and so on which can be far more damaging than the infidelity itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobbieA Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 I think that one thing that really helped you and that probably makes a difference in how you feel about the breakup is that you had clear and convincing information about what was going on that came from an independent source. You didn't have to go through the ordeal of suspicion, investigation, trickle-truthing, and so on which can be far more damaging than the infidelity itself. I think you are absolutely right. There was nothing circumstantial about any of this. The evidence was dropped in my lap, and I had to make a decision, about my future and well being. I would like to mention that I do not wish her harm, bad luck, I harbor no feelings of revenge. I wholeheartedly feel that her emotions, her behavior, her deceitfulness will come full circle and she will have to live with herself. That is a different kind of pain. Self awareness. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Doing some thinking and reading, many people go through a grieving period when going through a breakup, any kind of breakup, regardless of the circumstances. The way I see it, what my ex did was so egregious that it affects how I feel about the breakup. I broke up on my terms, based upon my decisions, I have to say that I miss her less and less each day. Is that normal ? I have read a few threads about infidelity/cheating and the grieving, depression, weight loss etc. affect people, the multitude of emotions. Maybe I am wired differently but i haven't really cried. You may be wired differently or you haven't fully cycled through the grief stage yet. Once you fully cycle through the grieving stage, then you may be ready to release all the emotion that is pent up right now, because you are in survival mode. Yes, you broke up on your terms. Everyone who has read your thread agrees that you are a very strong person who has held it together where other might crumble into a heaving mess. So, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't label yourself as 'normal' or not, based on how other people respond to breakups who've posted here. Don't compare. That won't help you. You are who you are. You have your own way of grieving that only you experience, no one else can. You'll either cry at some point or you won't cry. Time will tell. Right now, don't compare yourself and definitely don't put pressure on yourself to be a certain way. Don't judge yourself. Just let the grieving process unfold the way it's meant to for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobbieA Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 You may be wired differently or you haven't fully cycled through the grief stage yet. Once you fully cycle through the grieving stage, then you may be ready to release all the emotion that is pent up right now, because you are in survival mode. Yes, you broke up on your terms. Everyone who has read your thread agrees that you are a very strong person who has held it together where other might crumble into a heaving mess. So, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't label yourself as 'normal' or not, based on how other people respond to breakups who've posted here. Don't compare. That won't help you. You are who you are. You have your own way of grieving that only you experience, no one else can. You'll either cry at some point or you won't cry. Time will tell. Right now, don't compare yourself and definitely don't put pressure on yourself to be a certain way. Don't judge yourself. Just let the grieving process unfold the way it's meant to for you. Thank you, you have been with me since I started this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Thank you, you have been with me since I started this thread. LS is a very supportive community. Others helped me when I first came here. I've been cheated on too, so I can relate. And, I'm just really impressed with how strong and stable you are, how even-keel you are with the way you're handling a situation that qualifies as one of life's true 'traumas.' I know others have said this and I forgot to so I'll join in: thank you RobbieA for serving our country. You put yourself in harm's way for civilians and that kind of sacrifice and risk is commendable. Hang in there RobbieA. We're all rooting for you!! Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 So, whoever the poster was that predicted she would write me a letter, they were correct. A letter was stuck in between some newspaper advertisements and it was from her. Well, I took that letter, put it on the BBQ outside and burned it. I don't want to read her words, it would only poison my brain and thought process. Additionally, it took me about two hours cleaning up my Facebook page removing any and all pictures of her and I together. This is it folks, it has hit me like a freight train, I am single and alone. You should have posted a picture of the sealed letter being burned on Facebook. She would have gotten that message loud and clear. "SNAFU" Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 And Robbie you conducted yourself like a world class gentlemen. Her parents realize that and so do her ex friends. Never doubt your choices. Now go hang out with your friend, talk to your therapist and live life to the fullest.. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 The thing I have noticed how people differently handle the break up part is how they feel about themselves and their morals and beliefs. There is no doubt in my mind the evidence played a key role in you ending things but clearly your also a very strong person and you do have good morals and boundaries. You really have handled all this in a very respectable way. Knowing all this is probably what helps you to continue to move forward in a positive direction. She clearly knows she lost a good man and its the reason your are seeing her lash out like she is. She is just now feeling the affects of it now. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 The way I see it, what my ex did was so egregious that it affects how I feel about the breakup. I broke up on my terms, based upon my decisions, I have to say that I miss her less and less each day. Is that normal ? Yes, that process is called "moving on" - slowly but surely becoming indifferent toward a person of the past. Some people move on in a matter of weeks, others need years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobbieA Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 I have always been very strong when it came to my believes, integrity, and character. I am however, beating myself up for not seeing one red flag during our relationship. I consider myself to be a very good judge of character. I know what I want in a relationship and what kind of woman I want (personality etc). Where did I go wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 You didn't go wrong. You were deceived. Even the wisest amongst us can be deceived. Don't blame yourself for that. As regards your recovery: It's different for everyone, though there are commonalities. Your intuition will guide you. Trust yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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