Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[CarrieT]

Where did I go wrong?

Robbie, sometimes there are no red flags. Pathological liars are deceptively good in that regard.

 

You did nothing wrong and should continue to give thanks to those friends who helped show you who and what your Ex really was.

 

She deceived the guy she was sleeping with as well with the abortion. This adds to the fabric of lies she was able to weave and a persona she was able to show other people.

 

You Did Nothing Wrong.

[No Limit]

I have always been very strong when it came to my believes, integrity, and character.

 

I am however, beating myself up for not seeing one red flag during our relationship. I consider myself to be a very good judge of character. I know what I want in a relationship and what kind of woman I want (personality etc).

 

Where did I go wrong?

 

Your problem was that you were deployed. All her secret activities she made while you were gone; this time around you'll be there far more often so it's harder for a deceiver to play her game.

[writergal]

Your problem was that you were deployed. All her secret activities she made while you were gone; this time around you'll be there far more often so it's harder for a deceiver to play her game.

 

The deployment didn't help but I don't blame it 100% for the fiancé cheating. She cheated because of a major character flaw. Her personal choice to cheat on RobbieA. But don't blame RobbieA for his fiancé cheating because essentially that is what you're doing by using his deployment as the main reason. Plenty of married spouses cheat on their partner for YEARS, without their partner going anywhere. If a cheater wants to hide their affair from their partner they have many ways to do that has nothing to do with where their partner is (at home, deployed, etc.).

[sidney2718]

I still find myself wondering what the heck she was thinking when she got the abortion? if this guy was unattached and they were really into each other, why wouldn't she have kept the baby, cut off the engagement to you, and *continue* to make a life with the OM?

 

It is nuts.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

 

Because maybe it wasn't his child?

[sidney2718]

My new friend and I spent four hours together today. She was cheated on as well, so her guard is up as well.

 

She commented that she is surprised that I didn't slut shame her to her friends and family and further stated that she would be so enraged if she were in my shoes that she would do everything to ruin the other persons life.

 

Question: Does anyone think I am less of a man because of the way I handled the situation ? Because I didn't inflict bodily harm or threaten the O/M ? I think I showed incredible self restraint.

 

I don't think so. She may in fact think that you are very strong to have done it the way you did. I certainly think so.

[Darren Steez]

I have always been very strong when it came to my believes, integrity, and character.

 

I am however, beating myself up for not seeing one red flag during our relationship. I consider myself to be a very good judge of character. I know what I want in a relationship and what kind of woman I want (personality etc).

 

Where did I go wrong?

OH you saw those red flags alright, just as you see others waving those red flags around. Human beings are imperfect, we make judgements errors, some bigger than others but we are imperfect. Then you factor in love well it's a wrap, we take imperfection into account, mostly wilfully ignore because we trust the other person to do unto us as we would to them.

 

In the end anyone can cheat, but we put our trust in them not to.

You trusted, that's not going wrong. That's simply being human.

[No Limit]

The deployment didn't help but I don't blame it 100% for the fiancé cheating. She cheated because of a major character flaw. Her personal choice to cheat on RobbieA. But don't blame RobbieA for his fiancé cheating because essentially that is what you're doing by using his deployment as the main reason. Plenty of married spouses cheat on their partner for YEARS, without their partner going anywhere. If a cheater wants to hide their affair from their partner they have many ways to do that has nothing to do with where their partner is (at home, deployed, etc.).

 

Of course, but Robbie asked why he didn't notice any red flags. Frankly her pokerface got lots of time to rest, which makes it easier for the cheater.

[truncated]

Don't they all? I hear about this all the time.

 

OP,

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. it's bad enough being cheated on, but there's something extra piss poor about being away from home, missing your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend, looking forward to seeing them, getting excited that the day to come home is coming, day gets delayed, day gets delayed again, you finally go home and then something like this smacks you in the face and rips the ground out from under you.

 

I'm a military spouse myself ( not the american military though), and have gotten used to the deployments, the times away from home for training, taskings, etc. , having to pick up and move all over hell's half acre, living in cr@p housing on a base stuck out in the middle of nowhere, dealing with bureaucracy, etc., etc., etc.

 

It's not an easy life, but there are women out there who will tough it out with you and never even think of cheating. They will see the life as an adventure, and so long as they have you by their side, they will be happy to do it.

 

Don't give up hope, but do give yourself plenty of time to heal.

 

If i can offer a bit of advice. i'm not sure how things work in your chain of command, but even if you are not religious, the padre can often be really helpful, as they have seen just about every messed up situation and know how the system works. It's a good idea to get some counseling and let the anger, pain and other emotions out.

 

It's also a good idea to plan somehting special around the date that you would have been getting married. A road trip with good friends, purchasing something fun for yourself that you've always wanted, or something else. the point is to take your mind off the date but to also give it a new meaning. that way, the date won't always be the date that you were supposed to get married but didn't, but instead kt will be the date that something else wonderful happened.

[Radu]

Doing some thinking and reading, many people go through a grieving period when going through a breakup, any kind of breakup, regardless of the circumstances.

 

The way I see it, what my ex did was so egregious that it affects how I feel about the breakup. I broke up on my terms, based upon my decisions, I have to say that I miss her less and less each day. Is that normal ?

 

I have read a few threads about infidelity/cheating and the grieving, depression, weight loss etc. affect people, the multitude of emotions. Maybe I am wired differently but i haven't really cried.

 

Are you the type who goes into 'taking care of business' mode when something bad/huge drama hits them ?

 

Think back at other events in your life ... i suspect you are the type who does this and processes those feelings much later.

 

I'm like this and i used to think i was messed up somehow; death in the family or something huge ... i tried to keep my cool and calm, only to be later hit by the emotions like a ton of bricks.

I think i mentioned this a few pages back ...

[RobbieA]

Are you the type who goes into 'taking care of business' mode when something bad/huge drama hits them ?

 

Think back at other events in your life ... i suspect you are the type who does this and processes those feelings much later.

 

I'm like this and i used to think i was messed up somehow; death in the family or something huge ... i tried to keep my cool and calm, only to be later hit by the emotions like a ton of bricks.

I think i mentioned this a few pages back ...

 

That is hard to say. Believe it or not, my life has been drama free up until this incident. I mean, their have been deaths in my family, and I have lost friends in the Marine Corps and other branches, but I don't see that as drama. I grieved, and worked through it.

 

I guess "taking care of business" depends on what I am faced with ? In this current situation, I took the pragmatic approach because I felt it was the right thing to do.

[SycamoreCircle]

The way I see it, what my ex did was so egregious that it affects how I feel about the breakup. I broke up on my terms, based upon my decisions, I have to say that I miss her less and less each day. Is that normal ?

 

I have read a few threads about infidelity/cheating and the grieving, depression, weight loss etc. affect people, the multitude of emotions. Maybe I am wired differently but i haven't really cried.

Bartender, I'll have some of what he's having.

[No Limit]

It could have gone worse. Imagine you had married her - and a few years down the road you'd open threads in the infidelity section.

[RobbieA]

It could have gone worse. Imagine you had married her - and a few years down the road you'd open threads in the infidelity section.

 

I am very very thankful that her friends provided me with the information necessary to make a life decision, as hard and painful as it was. (The information).

[JS84]

Ya imagine having to deal with split assets, kids, child support, alimony, etc.

[m.snow]

clean break should do it. military dudes should think twice before getting married. I say always dna test your babies and don't sign any birth certificate.

 

dna test don't wait for weeks or months. do it as soons as possible.

[No Limit]

clean break should do it. military dudes should think twice before getting married. I say always dna test your babies and don't sign any birth certificate.

 

dna test don't wait for weeks or months. do it as soons as possible.

 

I think that's a good recommendation for all men these days. Except for those with a cuckold fetish.

[Friskyone4u]

Robbie

 

I am very very thankful that her friends provided me with the information necessary to make a life decision, as hard and painful as it was. (The information).

 

You are a smart guy. These ladies should be your heroes for a long time. I don't even want to think of what the outcome here would or could have been had they been like most friends of the cheater and kept their mouths shut. What a nightmare that would have been.

 

My guess is with you not deployed, at some point this would still have blown up in her face. You are too smart to have had this go on for long with you around all the time, but dodging a bullet is an understatement.

 

I hope you took them all out for a nice dinner or something.

 

I hope you move on and find happiness.

[RobbieA]

clean break should do it. military dudes should think twice before getting married. I say always dna test your babies and don't sign any birth certificate.

 

dna test don't wait for weeks or months. do it as soons as possible.

 

With all due respect, I am going to have to disagree with "military dudes should think twice before getting married".

 

Yes, I was cheated on. But that does not negate the fact that their are plenty of happy military families out there.

 

Doctors, who have horrific schedules, who are hardly home, should they think twice before getting married ?

 

Being in the service is hard, and many soldiers cherish family,so marriage and children to them is what keeps them chugging along when things get dark. Don't let my situation broadcast a stereotype on military marriage.

[Clay]

Its just sad that anyone that goes out and serves our country and risks there life has to deal with this crap. Its not bad enough your over in some foreign country not sure if you will live or die today and have to come home to find out your wife is screwing around on you. I personally think there should be some laws in place. People that mental mess with are military is this way should be punished to some degree. I know its a morality argument but it still is just wrong.

 

Once again I would like to thank you for your service and I think you have handled yourself in a way anyone would be proud of. Its clear you have good morals and good beliefs and you represent that in your actions.

 

Clay

[66Charger]

Doing some thinking and reading, many people go through a grieving period when going through a breakup,

 

Maybe I am wired differently but i haven't really cried."

 

Crying does not always require tears. Currently you are self reflecting and trying to figure out where you went wrong. This may be your greiving process.

 

This too, shall pass.

[RobbieA]

Thank you for all the encouragement. I am taking her ex-friends out to dinner tonight, to thank them for saving me from a life of chaos.

 

I will tell you, reading through some other topics on this site, I am flabbergasted. The reasons people give for cheating ? Blows my mind. Maybe I am just a chivalrist but some of the reasons are ridiculous.

[sandylee1]

Thank you for all the encouragement. I am taking her ex-friends out to dinner tonight, to thank them for saving me from a life of chaos.

 

I will tell you, reading through some other topics on this site, I am flabbergasted. The reasons people give for cheating ? Blows my mind. Maybe I am just a chivalrist but some of the reasons are ridiculous.

 

I agree with you the excuses for cheating often ridiculous . What happened to opening your mouth and communicating with your partner or spouse.

 

It's usually just selfish self righteousness, mixed in with a lack of morals . Dress it up or down as they wish , that's what it boils down to.

[No Limit]

I will tell you, reading through some other topics on this site, I am flabbergasted. The reasons people give for cheating ? Blows my mind. Maybe I am just a chivalrist but some of the reasons are ridiculous.

 

Elliot Aronson, the world's top social psychologist actually wrote a good book about this. The title is "Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts".

[Oberfeldwebel]

clean break should do it. military dudes should think twice before getting married. I say always dna test your babies and don't sign any birth certificate. dna test don't wait for weeks or months. do it as soons as possible.

 

I have to disagree with you here. After 35 years experience, I have known more military spouses that took care of the home fires while there spouse was away without cheating, than ones that did cheat. The only ones you hear about on sites like this are the negative ones and all the rest, just welcome home their spouse and just thank God that they are home safe and sound.

 

Yes being a military spouse is hard and it takes a very special person to deal with the moves, deployments and anxieties. This is also true for police, doctors, nurses, firemen, etc. Additionally, who is to say she wouldn't have cheated even if he was in town.

 

While this is a difficult time for Robbie, I have complete faith and confidence that he will find a woman that is looking for a good man. It is a brave new world out there.

[RobbieA]

Dinner with her ex-friends was great. To my surprise, we didn't really talk that much about my ex. It did come up in the conversation during dinner that she had a penchant for emasculating her ex bf's, kind of a shock to me.

 

I don't think I am the type of man who can be emasculated. I am very confident in who I am and I very comfortable in my own skin, how I look, etc. I think it really bothered her that she could not emasculate me. While she attempted it by cheating on me, it only will make me stronger.

 

Her ex friends had mentioned that she always consider herself to be a strong alpha female, I almost spit out my steak. I am as alpha as they come, maybe that is why we weren't a good match.