Why does my ex (the dumper) like to push my buttons when he sees me?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Hello,

 

Sorry this is long, but I'm in agony, and would really appreciate some input.

 

My boyfriend of a little over a year and a half broke it off a couple of days ago. We were immensely close, but I could feel a shift in the relationship. Though I could sense it coming, it still feels as if a ton of bricks has hit me, and I am so devastated that I can't sleep, eat, focus or leave my house. To make matters worse, he lived with me, so everything is a constant reminder of him.

 

Here is our story:

 

We met in October of 2013 at a local bar. I'm 28, he's 24 (so a little younger and pretty immature). I'd say the first 9 months of our relationship were pretty amazing. We did everything together, like camping and concerts and a road trip. We went from partygoers to being perfectly content staying in to order Chinese and watch Netflix.

 

In July of last year, something pretty big happened while he was drunk, and to make it short, I lost my job as a caregiver because of his actions and how I reacted to him. It was devastating. But I still had him, so I got through it. From there, though, I began to see a different side of him. He is military, and the majority of his friends are single, and LOVE to PARTY. They would literally spend an entire weekend doing nothing but drinking and doing such incredibly stupid things that I worried he would be kicked out of the Army for his actions.

 

He has shown me a different side to him in regards to alcohol a few months prior, when he got drunk and said a few mean things to me. He was just a crazy binge drinker, and he started to pull away and want to party more on the weekends. I was perfectly fine with this, as I know his work is stressful and he needs to "let loose". I was apprehensive at first, because I had done the bar scene around here and know how women can be at bars.

 

This created a lot of friction in our relationship. Before this incident last summer that cost me my job, I was a partier, but I grew out of this phase of my life (due to the incident, being in a serious relationship and just growing older). I admit I am an extremely jealous person because of a prior relationship betrayal and partying. I became accusatory and angry, but I had physical reasons to feel so, not just "in my head". I was justified. I will never truly know if he cheated while out, but I have some evidence that strongly suggests he did.

 

Our relationship began to deteriorate slowly, but we were still fine. We began to argue a lot. He changed from being a caring, thoughtful guy to totally taking me for granted. I did everything for him. He stopped doing sweet little things to show me his love, and became cold and distant. By the holidays of last year, we were pretty rocky. On New Year's Day 2015, I found something pretty devastating in his pocket, and we had a huge fight and he denied cheating. He left a few days later for military training and leave. He came home from that about 45 days later and I noticed a huge change in him. He was distant, didn't really communicate with me as much as he once did, did not want to engage in sex or even hugs and kisses. I became increasingly angry and desperate to rekindle what we once had. I gave him everything.

 

A little over a month ago, I lost another job. I was depressed, angry, basically a flood of emotions. He was totally unsupportive. To top it off, I have gained a little weight from stress. I have to wonder if that influenced him at all.

 

The breakup: Last Friday, he stayed out after work for his usual Friday drinking binge, except he absolutely would not answer any of my texts. I became worried and texted him asking what's wrong. He had been active on FB so I know he had his phone. I didn't hear from him for over a day. I was panicked because he had done this before and almost was put into the alcohol program in the Army because of his actions.

 

He came home at 5:30 pm Saturday and was angry. "You're not my mother!" "I'm sick of you accusing me of things." "I don't have to check in with you." "I feel so tied down."

 

I cried and pleaded with him not to leave. I left the room, came back more cool and collected, and he said he needed a night "to think". Words ensued, we argued and I kicked him out for the evening. I had NEVER done this. I had always begged him to stay when he threatened to go. I felt confident that he would go to his room at the barracks, think of my strengthened resolve and decide he needed to put some effort into our relationship for once.

 

He texted me the next morning that he was coming to get his things. He made his relationship status on FB visible to himself only, but still had me as a friend and listed as his gf (I know this because it still showed on my profile as being in a relationship with him). He comes and immediately packs his things. Said no one has ever made him so angry since he has been with me, that he had wanted to leave for a long time and he doesn't want to be with anyone. He wants to do his own thing. I cried and begged him to stay. He seemed determined to leave, but said he still loves me but feels tied down. He cried a little.

 

I have been NC since he left. I wonder, does he even care? We were in a very serious relationship, lived together, were inseparable. Then he gets into this partying habit and leaves me.

 

Do you think he will ever talk to me again? Was there someone else? Did he cheated perhaps and feel guilty? Did I mean anything to him? And why did he seem so conflicted ("I'm done", then "I just need a break", and keeping me as his girlfriend on Facebook) to dumping me.

 

Sorry this was so long. I just need some help here. I feel like the failure of relationship was all my fault. He said the main reason he left was because of my jealousy. I asked him what he would think if I had done some of the things he had done, and he said he would probably be suspicious.

 

Any input would be valued.

 

Should I reach out and try to rekindle our relationship, or is it hopeless at this point. He hasn't tried to talk to me at all. Has he already forgotten about us?

 

Thank you.

[CarrieT]

You've only been No Contact since last Friday!?!?

 

Do *not* reach out. Open wounds don't heal if you try and stay in contact.

[Twigyy]

Why would you want him back? He didn't treat you well, has this drinking and partying addiction, doesn't support you in terms of emotions, and still dumped you. He only treated you well in the first few months because it was the honeymoon phase. When he thinks that he got you in his pocket he starts to treat you bad.

 

Good thing that you've started NC. But please don't use it as a tool to get him to talk to you. NC is for you to get over someone and heal. No one deserves to be treated this way.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You've only been No Contact since last Friday!?!?

 

Do *not* reach out. Open wounds don't heal if you try and stay in contact.

 

I have been NC with him since he left on Sunday.

 

I am worried that maybe he met someone this past weekend and that's why he left. Maybe that's why he was unresponsive so long and that led to our fight.

 

When he broke up with me, he teared up a little and was angry.

 

But the night before he was all over the place. First he said "it's over", then he said "We just need a break.", then he decided to "think" over the night. He seemed conflicted about breaking it off.

 

I'm just so confused. I need to know why.

 

I wanted to marry this man and now he's gone, so he can party and not have to "answer to anyone"?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Why would you want him back? He didn't treat you well, has this drinking and partying addiction, doesn't support you in terms of emotions, and still dumped you. He only treated you well in the first few months because it was the honeymoon phase. When he thinks that he got you in his pocket he starts to treat you bad.

 

Good thing that you've started NC. But please don't use it as a tool to get him to talk to you. NC is for you to get over someone and heal. No one deserves to be treated this way.

 

I think it's because he offered a sense of comfort and security for me, and I saw him in my future.

 

I honestly thought after our fight Saturday that he would go and think and want to work on it. He never tried. He never could take criticism.

 

Why wasn't I worth it? That's the biggest question in my mind.

[TunaCat]

Do not contact him.

 

Frankly, I'm surprised you stayed in this relationship as long as you did. I can't imagine how serious the relationship was if he was a partier. That to me, says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all.

 

Plus he was very unsupportive to you. Not okay.

 

Just walk away from this relationship and know that you deserve better.

[Apparition]

Hi, there.

 

 

I tried to private message you but it said you do not receive private messages. I wanted to give you some advice from my own personal experience with regards to jealousy and the army but I would rather not have my personal information with regards to that out in public. So, instead, I am going to suggest you read this book (if you do read) - Overcoming Jealousy by Dr Windy Dryden. It's a good book and will teach you a thing or two.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Do not contact him.

 

Frankly, I'm surprised you stayed in this relationship as long as you did. I can't imagine how serious the relationship was if he was a partier. That to me, says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all.

 

Plus he was very unsupportive to you. Not okay.

 

Just walk away from this relationship and know that you deserve better.

 

He wasn't for a long time. When we had met, we were both into that scene but quickly were happy just ordering food and staying in together on the weekends.

 

It wasn't until summer of last year that he got back into it. His drinking has also caused me problems in my work life, and he almost got put into the alcohol program in the Army because he tried to assault a sgt at his barracks.

 

His friends put a lot of pressure on him to go out. Hardly any of his Army buddies are in relationships. They all love to drink. In the summer they will go camping and literally drink the entire time, spending hundreds of dollars a weekend on alcohol.

 

I stayed because I believed the good aspects of our relationship were worth saving. Maybe I was an idiot.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Hi, there.

 

 

I tried to private message you but it said you do not receive private messages. I wanted to give you some advice from my own personal experience with regards to jealousy and the army but I would rather not have my personal information with regards to that out in public. So, instead, I am going to suggest you read this book (if you do read) - Overcoming Jealousy by Dr Windy Dryden. It's a good book and will teach you a thing or two.

 

I'm sorry. Not sure how to change that setting.

 

I would have loved to know your experience with Army. It seems soldiers have a lot of pressure from their friends, from what I've experienced.

 

Thanks for the recommendation.

[Apparition]

Your ex boyfriend seems to be experiencing something I have noticed in many of my friends who have been in the army. Do you mind if I ask if he was on the front line? I'm not here to judge you nor your ex boyfriend, no matter what you tell me, but it sounds like he's a troubled soul who needs some professional help.

 

Just my in-put.

[CarrieT]

I'm just so confused. I need to know why.

No you don't need to know why. Just resign yourself to the fact that him saying goodbye WAS closure and leave it at that.

 

I tried to private message you but it said you do not receive private messages.

Members have to be here thirty days - at least - and have 50-some posts before PM privileges are extended.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Your ex boyfriend seems to be experiencing something I have noticed in many of my friends who have been in the army. Do you mind if I ask if he was on the front line? I'm not here to judge you nor your ex boyfriend, no matter what you tell me, but it sounds like he's a troubled soul who needs some professional help.

 

Just my in-put.

 

He is infantry. He has not been deployed, though.

 

He had a rough childhood. I am thinking maybe that is why he lost affection and didn't want to engage in it in our relationship.

[Apparition]

Thanks, Carrie. I had no idea. I just noticed the tool today and thought it was new.

 

Thanks. : )

[Apparition]

ColdandLonelyinAK , I had a friend who was in the army for about a year and he was genuinely a good guy, very family-oriented. He had a long-term girlfriend before he signed up and I took my BARB test on the same day as him. I, however, did not actually go that far and quit my basic training. That day, though, that day I took my BARB test and saw him - he was never the same person after it.

 

I think the army changed him a lot. He ended his relationship with his girlfriend and drank a lot before he was finally deployed. I know he felt pressured by his family + friends to prove something to them. Unfortunately, he killed himself when his tour was done. He had came back to an empty home where his girlfriend once lived, and the only friends he had at that point where people who were essentially "addicted" and wanted more tours or ones who were laying in the hospital with their legs blown off.

 

I'm not saying that is your boyfriend or it will be, but I think it's appropriate to look at the situation from all angles. The Army affects people in different ways. Or maybe it's not the army at all. But whatever it is, he seems troubled.

 

As for you, I think you need to focus on yourself for a while and work on your jealousy issues. When we enter new relationships, we can't make our current partner pay for the mistakes of an ex who did us wrong. That in itself is wrong. The book I suggested to you will tell you about people who experience unhealthy jealousy in their relationships and trust me, it does not get better if you don't nip it in the bud. I think NC is the way to go if you know you're done with a relationship. With that said, don't be the first to contact him. Don't wait on him either. He knows where to reach you if he wants you, but he will most likely need to hold his hands up and take responsibility for his behavior. If you allow someone to treat you like dirt, they will do so. Maybe if he contacts you you can tell him to seek out professional help if he wants to be with you.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Apparition
Mistake.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

ColdandLonelyinAK , I had a friend who was in the army for about a year and he was genuinely a good guy, very family-oriented. He had a long-term girlfriend before he signed up and I took my BARB test on the same day as him. I, however, did not actually go that far and quit my basic training. That day, though, that day I took my BARB test and saw him - he was never the same person after it.

 

I think the army changed him a lot. He ended his relationship with his girlfriend and drank a lot before he was finally deployed. I know he felt pressured by his family + friends to prove something to them. Unfortunately, he killed himself when his tour was done. He had came back to an empty home where his girlfriend once lived, and the only friends he had at that point where people who decided to stay on for another tour or ones who were laying in the hospital with their legs blown off.

 

I'm not saying that is your boyfriend or it will be, but I think it's appropriate to look at the situation from all angles. The Army affects people in different ways. Or maybe it's not the army at all. But whatever it is, he seems troubled.

 

As for you, I think you need to focus on yourself for a while and work on your jealousy issues. When we enter new relationships, we can't make our current partner pay for the mistakes of an ex who did us wrong. That in itself is wrong. The book I suggested to you will tell you about people who experience unhealthy jealousy in their relationships and trust me, it does not get better if you don't nip it in the bud. I think NC is the way to go if you know you're done with a relationship. With that said, don't be the first to contact him. Don't wait on him either. He knows where to reach you if he wants you, but he will most likely need to hold his hands up and take responsibility for his behavior. If you allow someone to treat you like dirt, they will do so. Maybe if he contacts you you can tell him to seek out professional help if he wants to be with you.

 

Wow, thank you for sharing that. I do think he can relate to what you said in that he feels the need to prove his worth to people.

 

I had good reasons not to trust him, like physical evidence. I became so paranoid.

 

My mother, who was in the military, once told me that Army guys usually put their "battle buddies" and Army commitment first, so it was best to not get involved. I should have listened.

[devilish innocent]

He wasn't ready to settle down with you. That's all you need to know about why it ended. The signs were there a long time ago. It should have never lasted this long if you had to beg him not to leave. You owe it to yourself to hold out until you find someone who would treat you better.

 

You ask why you weren't worth it. It has nothing to do with what you're worth. It's about the type of partner you have and your long-term compatibility. Some lovers will treat you with the worth you deserve. Other's won't. That's the case for anyone.

 

You're the one that has to decide you're worthy. When you believe that, you'll be able to walk away from the bad relationships with your head held high. You'll know the right person would treat you better. When you don't, you'll keep trying to force that sense of worth from the people who can't give it to you. Then you only end up miserable.

[Apparition]

Well, what kind of physical evidence?

 

 

I agree somewhat with your Mother but there are guys out there serving the country who would do anything for their wives, too. I guess it just depends on the person. And especially if someone saved your life in battle.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Well, what kind of physical evidence?

 

 

I agree somewhat with your Mother but there are guys out there serving the country who would do anything for their wives, too. I guess it just depends on the person. And especially if someone saved your life in battle.

 

One time I found an unused condom in his pockets while doing laundry. He swore up and down he grabbed it off of his buddy's dresser at the barracks while drunk. He did have weird stuff in his pockets after he drank, but I still have doubts about it.

 

Another time, he had marks on his neck that looked like hickeys. He told me he had gotten into a fight and was choked, thus resulting in the marks. I still don't know if I believe that.

 

All these things added to my frustration and paranoia.

 

Also, he flat out told me once that his Army buddies were the most important people in his life. He apologized later for saying it, but I guess I know now that it was true.

[Fleur de cactus]

Dont try contacting him, it is too soon anyway. I dont see why you want him back anyway, I did not see anything positive about him. Just let him go.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Dont try contacting him, it is too soon anyway. I dont see why you want him back anyway, I did not see anything positive about him. Just let him go.

 

I think I'm holding onto the positive memories in my mind, and how sweet and caring he used to be. It's my belief that he's a good guy with some issues. That's why I can't quite let go.

[sutsie]

That's a rough go. I think you should go NC and see how you feel in 30 days after accepting you're doing NC to heal and move on. It always works and also if it's meant to be it allows there to be that, but won't happen until you don't want it anymore.

[Apparition]

Yeah, you won't let go until you're ready. It's easier said than done. You have to go through all of the grieving. During the early days we often think about the good times and forget all the bad. I'm sure he is a good guy deep down, but if he's cut you off then there's nothing you can do apart from accept it.

 

Don't try to block the pain, just allow it so your heart can begin to heal.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I get what you guys are saying, but how should I take it if I find out he's seeing someone else?

 

He told me he didn't want to be in a relationship, but with all the doubts I had over him being true to me, and the fact that he left me after a long night out with no contact, I am afraid that there may be someone else.

[TunaCat]

I get what you guys are saying, but how should I take it if I find out he's seeing someone else?

 

He told me he didn't want to be in a relationship, but with all the doubts I had over him being true to me, and the fact that he left me after a long night out with no contact, I am afraid that there may be someone else.

 

I found out that my ex was seeing someone 3 weeks after he dumped me. It was very painful. However I just dealt with it and stayed classy.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I found out that my ex was seeing someone 3 weeks after he dumped me. It was very painful. However I just dealt with it and stayed classy.

 

I am really tempted to look at his Facebook. I currently have him blocked and I know I shouldn't do it. It would be a huge blow to my already fragile self esteem.