Why does my ex (the dumper) like to push my buttons when he sees me?

[Simon Phoenix]

Do you think he'll ever talk to me again?

 

For your sake, I hope not. And if that's what you are focusing on, that's not where you need to be. But to answer the question honestly -- who knows. You need to get to a place where you don't care if he does and if he does, you can actually show self-control and ignore it without caring or be so over it that you'll be fine if you respond or if you don't.

 

But that might be one of the worst questions to ask right now. It's completely counterproductive and is a manifestation of your illogical quest for contact from him. And closure comes from within. Seeking closure from the person who broke your heart is a fool's errand. The closure is the breakup. It's time for you to accept it. I don't think you have.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

For your sake, I hope not. And if that's what you are focusing on, that's not where you need to be. But to answer the question honestly -- who knows. You need to get to a place where you don't care if he does and if he does, you can actually show self-control and ignore it without caring or be so over it that you'll be fine if you respond or if you don't.

 

But that might be one of the worst questions to ask right now. It's completely counterproductive and is a manifestation of your illogical quest for contact from him. And closure comes from within. Seeking closure from the person who broke your heart is a fool's errand. The closure is the breakup. It's time for you to accept it. I don't think you have.

 

Thank you. You know I was reading earlier and I am starting to wonder if perhaps I was in a codependent relationship. All the signs point to that. I don't know if I really did love him or if I wrapped all of my sense of fulfillment in my relationship, and that is why I'm so devastated now that it's over. Perhaps seeing a counselor would benefit me.

[joseb]

Thank you. You know I was reading earlier and I am starting to wonder if perhaps I was in a codependent relationship. All the signs point to that. I don't know if I really did love him or if I wrapped all of my sense of fulfillment in my relationship, and that is why I'm so devastated now that it's over. Perhaps seeing a counselor would benefit me.

The difficulty you have in accepting that its over might suggest this.

Right now, the first thing to do is block him so there isn't any more contact.

Can you do that?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

The difficulty you have in accepting that its over might suggest this.

Right now, the first thing to do is block him so there isn't any more contact.

Can you do that?

 

Actually, and you all will be disappointed in me for doing this, I just sent him one last text. I begged him to come get his stuff off my porch and told him it was too painful for me to see it, and that I will delete his number and never bother him again if he just comes and gets it. I assured him I won't bother him when he does. I told him I need to be able to move on but I can't when I see his things in my home.

 

He probably won't respond, or if he does he will be rude.

 

I really think him coming to get his things will be the letting go point for me. I will be in pain but it will seal the deal for me.

 

I know I shouldn't have broken NC but I needed get this done, and no I'm not planning on speaking to him if he shows up to get it. I genuinely just want his things out of my house.

 

Was that wrong of me?

[joseb]

I genuinely just want his things out of my house.

 

I can understand you wanting his things gone. Do you know where he lives? If so, arrange for a friend to drop the stuff off at his house. I think you want to see him again in the hope something will happen.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I can understand you wanting his things gone. Do you know where he lives? If so, arrange for a friend to drop the stuff off at his house. I think you want to see him again in the hope something will happen.

 

Believe it or not, I don't. I know there's no chance of us getting back together, and that the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

 

I did just sent him a "goodbye text" saying how I felt. I had to do it. I had to let the words out and I wanted him to know how I felt. See I am a talker. When someone hurts me, I HAVE to let them know or it just festers inside of me. I had to do this for myself, despite what anyone says about no contact. I feel better even though the tears are flowing right now.

 

He responded with "I never said we couldn't be friends and I'm not trying to be with anyone else so just drop it." I replied and told him simply that I just needed to let it all out, and that there was no need to respond.

 

I hope I won't regret what I just did, but I think I needed this as a symbolic step to move on with my life. I am going back to school in the fall, starting a new chapter and I cannot by any means have this pain and anger in the back of my mind anymore.

 

I hope I didn't disappoint all the pro-NC people, lol.

[Simon Phoenix]

Actually, and you all will be disappointed in me for doing this, I just sent him one last text. I begged him to come get his stuff off my porch and told him it was too painful for me to see it, and that I will delete his number and never bother him again if he just comes and gets it. I assured him I won't bother him when he does. I told him I need to be able to move on but I can't when I see his things in my home.

 

He probably won't respond, or if he does he will be rude.

 

I really think him coming to get his things will be the letting go point for me. I will be in pain but it will seal the deal for me.

 

I know I shouldn't have broken NC but I needed get this done, and no I'm not planning on speaking to him if he shows up to get it. I genuinely just want his things out of my house.

 

Was that wrong of me?

 

I would drop it off on his porch or take it to Goodwill. There's no need for him to physically come and get the stuff. Odds are he doesn't really care about it anyway.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I would drop it off on his porch or take it to Goodwill. There's no need for him to physically come and get the stuff. Odds are he doesn't really care about it anyway.

 

He should. There's some important things there that I told him about.

 

He said he's coming tomorrow to get them. I won't even have to see him when he does.

[Simon Phoenix]

Believe it or not, I don't. I know there's no chance of us getting back together, and that the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

 

I did just sent him a "goodbye text" saying how I felt. I had to do it. I had to let the words out and I wanted him to know how I felt. See I am a talker. When someone hurts me, I HAVE to let them know or it just festers inside of me. I had to do this for myself, despite what anyone says about no contact. I feel better even though the tears are flowing right now.

 

He responded with "I never said we couldn't be friends and I'm not trying to be with anyone else so just drop it." I replied and told him simply that I just needed to let it all out, and that there was no need to respond.

 

I hope I won't regret what I just did, but I think I needed this as a symbolic step to move on with my life. I am going back to school in the fall, starting a new chapter and I cannot by any means have this pain and anger in the back of my mind anymore.

 

I hope I didn't disappoint all the pro-NC people, lol.

 

Ugh. You could have written a note to yourself and gotten out your feelings that way. Stop emoting all over this guy.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Ugh. You could have written a note to yourself and gotten out your feelings that way. Stop emoting all over this guy.

 

I could have, but this was how I needed to do it. A few people here told me to do it however I needed to move on and that's what I did.

 

So I put his stuff out on the porch, deleted all the pictures of him, still have him blocked on social media and now I'm deleting his number. I have no intentions of ever talking to him again really. He said we could be friends but I don't want to.

 

I guess I'm weak. I'm sorry.

[Simon Phoenix]

I could have, but this was how I needed to do it. A few people here told me to do it however I needed to move on and that's what I did.

 

So I put his stuff out on the porch, deleted all the pictures of him, still have him blocked on social media and now I'm deleting his number. I have no intentions of ever talking to him again really. He said we could be friends but I don't want to.

 

I guess I'm weak. I'm sorry.

 

I mean, it's over and done with. But your thoughts should be shared with people who they are worth sharing with. All he thought was "Not this sh*t again". You don't need for him to validate your feelings.

 

But if this is the last of it, then it's fine. But in the future, your thoughts are worthwhile. People should earn the right to have you share them with them. Don't give it out for free to people who don't deserve them.

[BC1980]

I did just sent him a "goodbye text" saying how I felt. I had to do it. I had to let the words out and I wanted him to know how I felt. See I am a talker. When someone hurts me, I HAVE to let them know or it just festers inside of me. I had to do this for myself, despite what anyone says about no contact. I feel better even though the tears are flowing right now.

 

He responded with "I never said we couldn't be friends and I'm not trying to be with anyone else so just drop it." I replied and told him simply that I just needed to let it all out, and that there was no need to respond.

 

Are you familiar with unsent letters? They are a great tool if you want to get your feelings out. I would not invest feelings in a person that doesn't give a d@mn, which he clearly doesn't. It's insulting. You spend time pouring your heart out, and I can promise you he doesn't care that much. Pour your heart out to people who do care.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I considered an unsent letter but knew it would not do me very good in the long run.

 

I have reason to believe he may be getting back together with his cheating ex wife and if so, how could I ever get over that?

[joseb]

I considered an unsent letter but knew it would not do me very good in the long run.

 

I have reason to believe he may be getting back together with his cheating ex wife and if so, how could I ever get over that?

 

What he does now is his business, and no amount of you thinking about it is going to make the slightest difference to him. All it will do is hurt you.

So time to forget.

[Simon Phoenix]

I considered an unsent letter but knew it would not do me very good in the long run.

 

I have reason to believe he may be getting back together with his cheating ex wife and if so, how could I ever get over that?

 

An unsent letter is a hell of a lot better option than a sent letter. As for the rest of it, it's not your concern. It's time to focus on you and stop obsessing about him.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I know it's not my concern, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

It also makes me question if I'm such a terrible person that I could drive him to that decision, then maybe I deserve to be alone.

 

I do not understand how he could do such a thing.

[Simon Phoenix]

I know it's not my concern, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

It also makes me question if I'm such a terrible person that I could drive him to that decision, then maybe I deserve to be alone.

 

I do not understand how he could do such a thing.

 

I mean, you're inventing reasons to stay invested in this at this point. He has his reasons, and most of them probably have nothing to do with you. Not everything he does revolves around you and is a personal slap at you, so don't make it so.

 

You need to change your mentality big time. Instead of wondering what's wrong with you (nothing, besides your codependency on this man) you need to see that HE is WRONG for doing what he's doing. Stop blaming yourself for everything. It's just not true.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

UPDATE: my mother informed me that she and my ex had talked last night (they were pretty close).

 

She had asked him if he and I are really over, to which he replied "Yes". He said he thought we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things and that our relationship was unhealthy, and that he's been missing me and has just been staying in his room and not doing too much. He also said that he really wants to focus on his career right now and doesn't want to see anyone.

 

I have 2 problems with this:

1. He never tried to improve things with us. Not once. He claims our relationship was so unhealthy, yet when I tried to talk issues out and resolve things to improve our relationship, he covered his ears (literally) and said "We're not talking about this." I take it as an insult that he has said this about our relationship when he never put forth any effort. Makes me feel dysfunctional. I tried so hard. SO. HARD.

 

2. Why couldn't he say these things TO ME? When he left, he said he wanted to be free to have fun, that I make him more angry than anyone he's ever been with, and that he didn't want to get married and I did (he was the one who first brought up marriage). He can say all these nice things to my mom, but he left me in agony for two weeks from the things he said to me. Which is true?

 

I guess it's a good thing, since now I know there's not a chance maybe I can move on, but still it hurts me that he can communicate effectively to my MOTHER and not me?

 

Why is that? Anyone have a clue? And does it seem like we are through for good, or do some people look back on their relationship at a later time and realize they could have done more to improve it and regret it?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Wish I had stuck to NC. I just talked to him on the phone and now I feel ten times worse.

[BC1980]

Your mom does not need to talk to him about your relationship. You need to stay NC. The only thing any of this contact has done is propel you to analyze things more. You are going to be spinning in circles now.

[imbax]

UPDATE: my mother informed me that she and my ex had talked last night (they were pretty close).

 

She had asked him if he and I are really over, to which he replied "Yes". He said he thought we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things and that our relationship was unhealthy, and that he's been missing me and has just been staying in his room and not doing too much. He also said that he really wants to focus on his career right now and doesn't want to see anyone.

 

I have 2 problems with this:

1. He never tried to improve things with us. Not once. He claims our relationship was so unhealthy, yet when I tried to talk issues out and resolve things to improve our relationship, he covered his ears (literally) and said "We're not talking about this." I take it as an insult that he has said this about our relationship when he never put forth any effort. Makes me feel dysfunctional. I tried so hard. SO. HARD.

 

2. Why couldn't he say these things TO ME? When he left, he said he wanted to be free to have fun, that I make him more angry than anyone he's ever been with, and that he didn't want to get married and I did (he was the one who first brought up marriage). He can say all these nice things to my mom, but he left me in agony for two weeks from the things he said to me. Which is true?

 

I guess it's a good thing, since now I know there's not a chance maybe I can move on, but still it hurts me that he can communicate effectively to my MOTHER and not me?

 

Why is that? Anyone have a clue? And does it seem like we are through for good, or do some people look back on their relationship at a later time and realize they could have done more to improve it and regret it?

 

I can relate to you so much. My ex never tried fixing anything and told me that she was trying her best. She then said the relationship was unhealthy and toxic and she needed to find herself again because she wanted space and was unhappy. WHAT DO I DO?!?? I have been in NC for almost 3 weeks and not a whisper from her. She said she loves me and misses me when she broke up with me but I never heard from her ever again. I'm hurting so much every day. I hate it when people break up but don't try work things out before they do. Argh!

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I can relate to you so much. My ex never tried fixing anything and told me that she was trying her best. She then said the relationship was unhealthy and toxic and she needed to find herself again because she wanted space and was unhappy. WHAT DO I DO?!?? I have been in NC for almost 3 weeks and not a whisper from her. She said she loves me and misses me when she broke up with me but I never heard from her ever again. I'm hurting so much every day. I hate it when people break up but don't try work things out before they do. Argh!

 

I have no idea, because when I talked to him I told him how much I was hurting and he didn't even seem to care. I guess I should have expected that. He told me he had reached his "breaking point" when he ended our relationship. I said it take two people to ruin a relationship and asked him why he never tried. He had no answer. He's just so incredibly stubborn and when he left he pinned it all on me and left me with so much guilt and regret. That's why it has been so hard. I replay that moment in my head so many times.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Your mom does not need to talk to him about your relationship. You need to stay NC. The only thing any of this contact has done is propel you to analyze things more. You are going to be spinning in circles now.

 

I didn't ask her to. They were really close and she was like a mother figure to him. Funny thing is he opened up to her more than he did to me.

[BC1980]

I didn't ask her to. They were really close and she was like a mother figure to him. Funny thing is he opened up to her more than he did to me.

 

Then tell her not to talk to him again. It's not her place to talk to him and then feed you information. She's supposed to be on your side. I would take what he says with a grain of salt. He sounds like an immature child who isn't capable of a relationship. He obviously treated you poorly and likely cheated on you. I would never speak to him again.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Then tell her not to talk to him again. It's not her place to talk to him and then feed you information. She's supposed to be on your side. I would take what he says with a grain of salt. He sounds like an immature child who isn't capable of a relationship. He obviously treated you poorly and likely cheated on you. I would never speak to him again.

 

I just had someone who has access to post take his things to him, so I already feel a little better.

 

And the reason I have such a hard time is because I have such low self esteem. I always have. So I take things like breakups extremely personal, and I beat myself up constantly. It's not even really about wanting the other person back. I feel like all the progress I had made in loving myself left with him. It's extremely hard. I've always struggled with anxiety and depression and circumstances like these only make it worse.