Why does my ex (the dumper) like to push my buttons when he sees me?

[BC1980]

^^^ he is marrying someone else on your anniversary? What is WRONG with that guy?

 

I like the comparison of your breakup with the map. So true. It does make you feel lost, and when you've invested so much into someone and they're suddenly not only gone, but moving on, it sends you into a tale spin. Did he try to contact you much after the breakup when he was with this new woman?

 

I have no freaking clue why he chose to get married on what was our anniversary. I have no idea what to say about that. He was probably one of the weirdest, most eccentric and odd people I've ever met, so it's anyone's guess. At first, it upset me, but then I just realized that it didn't matter. It was just more confirmation that he cared nothing for me.

 

Oh, yes, he definitely kept in contact after our breakup. He initiated a lot of contact. Looking back, I can see that he was most likely keeping me on the back burner in case things fell through with the new woman. He sent my parents birthday cards, had a birthday gift delivered to my parent's house for me. Ever so often, he will send a package in the mail to my parents' house that has something he "found at his house while cleaning up." The last package was a few months ago and contained 2 birthday cards from 2012.

 

He's done a lot to stay relevant and in my life in some way, but it's all borne from his ego. He has no concern for me or my feelings. He has no desire to be a genuine person with me. He just wants the power. It's kind of faded off though, which is good. I think he must be concerned not with his new life, so he's not as concerned with me anymore. Still, when he sees me at work, he makes it a point to say HI to me directly, and I ignore the heck out of him. I never even make eye contact. He's a true narcissist and abuser with no sense of boundaries whatsoever.

 

He did keep all of our mementos and transcribed all of our text messages onto a document. He did similar stuff with his other exes. I wouldn't be surprised if she pulled that stuff out every now and then to look at, like a power trip. He likes to collect exes and claim "friendship." I know for a fact that he contacted one of his exes while we were together because he told me.

[KBarletta]

Thank you. I don't think I will ever understand my situation. He strayed from the idea of marriage but will enter into a LDR with someone who has a child. I just don't get his mindset.

 

 

I feel for you, ColdandLonelyinAK. And I completely relate to the feeling of never being able to understand the situation. I don't think I will ever fully get why my wife left either. But the key is to stop *trying* to get it, or thinking that you will some day, because you most likely won't. The most important thing now is to focus on you and your life and rebuilding it into what you want it to be. Leave the past where it belongs and focus on the present and the future. That is good advice all the time, but especially after recovering from a jarring breakup.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I have no freaking clue why he chose to get married on what was our anniversary. I have no idea what to say about that. He was probably one of the weirdest, most eccentric and odd people I've ever met, so it's anyone's guess. At first, it upset me, but then I just realized that it didn't matter. It was just more confirmation that he cared nothing for me.

 

Oh, yes, he definitely kept in contact after our breakup. He initiated a lot of contact. Looking back, I can see that he was most likely keeping me on the back burner in case things fell through with the new woman. He sent my parents birthday cards, had a birthday gift delivered to my parent's house for me. Ever so often, he will send a package in the mail to my parents' house that has something he "found at his house while cleaning up." The last package was a few months ago and contained 2 birthday cards from 2012.

 

He's done a lot to stay relevant and in my life in some way, but it's all borne from his ego. He has no concern for me or my feelings. He has no desire to be a genuine person with me. He just wants the power. It's kind of faded off though, which is good. I think he must be concerned not with his new life, so he's not as concerned with me anymore. Still, when he sees me at work, he makes it a point to say HI to me directly, and I ignore the heck out of him. I never even make eye contact. He's a true narcissist and abuser with no sense of boundaries whatsoever.

 

He did keep all of our mementos and transcribed all of our text messages onto a document. He did similar stuff with his other exes. I wouldn't be surprised if she pulled that stuff out every now and then to look at, like a power trip. He likes to collect exes and claim "friendship." I know for a fact that he contacted one of his exes while we were together because he told me.

 

Did he contact you when he FIRST starting talking to this woman? I ask because my ex has not. It has only been a couple of weeks. I had to initiate contact, and he wasn't very interested in talking to me when I did. I still wonder if there was a reason he hid this relationship from me, and if the fallback girl theory is valid.

 

That's weird about the gifts and cards. Seems he's trying to say "I'm still here!" every so often, as if it will ignite the fire you once had for him or something.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I feel for you, ColdandLonelyinAK. And I completely relate to the feeling of never being able to understand the situation. I don't think I will ever fully get why my wife left either. But the key is to stop *trying* to get it, or thinking that you will some day, because you most likely won't. The most important thing now is to focus on you and your life and rebuilding it into what you want it to be. Leave the past where it belongs and focus on the present and the future. That is good advice all the time, but especially after recovering from a jarring breakup.

 

I'm sorry about your wife, and you're right. I will probably never get the answers I seek, and if I continue to seek them I may act irrationally. Best to (try to) let it go,

 

I am currently going back to school and being more attentive to my friends and family, relationships I regrettably neglected while I was with my ex.

[BC1980]

Did he contact you when he FIRST starting talking to this woman?

 

I don't know. I know that they knew each other when we were together because well all worked at the same place (though I did not know her, he apparently did. I recognized her name but did not recognize her face when I saw a picture). I know that they started working at a different place at roughly the same time, and we broke up several months later. As far as I was ever able to trace back them being together definitively, they would have had to get engaged within 5 months of dating.

 

That is all I know, and I did my one, big round of snooping the day after I found out about the engagement. I basically did it for myself because I had a hunch for a long time that something else precipitated the breakup. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. My beef was always with what when down between US. Nothing to do with her. I don't know her, and I have nothing against her. By the time I even found out about all of this, I was pretty well done with him. He had already done so much to me that if he cheated, it didn't even matter at that point. I don't know and don't really care to be honest. I don't wish him harm, and I hope he doesn't screw with the other girl the way he did me.

 

Oh, and I was actually the one to cut off contact with him. I sent him a text that was probably the "meanest" I've ever been with him, and we never spoke after that. So I dunno. Who even cares anymore. I promise you will get to a point where you don't care if you do the self-work and self-care. Like, honestly, I haven't even thought about the timeline I just wrote out for months, and it took me awhile to think of the details. And I'm thinking about it with very little emotion. So, it can be done. I never thought I would be able to sit here and think about what transpired with so little emotion, but I got to that point.

[BC1980]

I'm sorry about your wife, and you're right. I will probably never get the answers I seek, and if I continue to seek them I may act irrationally. Best to (try to) let it go,

 

You won't find any concrete answers. I remember being nearly obsessed with WHY the ex left me. I would think about it constantly, wanting to find ways to fix it. I would go over every detail. I couldn't help myself. I actually read somewhere that it's a natural process you have to go through when a relationship ends. To this day, I honestly don't know exactly why it ended, and I could care less. It holds so little interest to me. I can talk about him like he was someone I never knew. It just all seems so remote, like another life. I can't imagine giving up my life today to go back to that horror of a relationship where I was so stifled.

 

I can look back and be thankful for the good. I learned a lot about myself and asserting boundaries. I got to be a mom to a great kid for 3 years. I don't think that was wasted time. I went on a lot of cool vacations that I never would have otherwise. I learned my self-worth. In the end, I would actually thank the clown for dumping me because all of that pain caused me to grow immensely. I'll never be friends with him, but I can see the good for what it was. I can allow the entire experience to have a lot of good in the end. Now, if you had told me that 2 years ago, I would have been like, "yeah right." Time and working on myself changed my perspective.

Edited May 16, 2015 by BC1980

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

So here's an update: went out with friends tonight to get my mind off of things. Went to a local favorite bar that my ex also frequents. Spotted him from across the room. My friend said "You should go talk to him ." I said "No. As long as I'm not giving him the time of day, I feel a sense of empowerment. It's called the "No contact rule."

 

My "whatever" attitude literally drove my ex nuts the entire night, to the point that his friend actually had to take him from the bar because he wouldn't leave me alone! He would pass me and try to stop and talk, and I would just keep on walking. He ended up texting me saying "Talk to me please". I said well it looks like you've moved on with someone else, so why the talk? I went to the restroom and came back to find him sitting and talking to my best friend. He kept saying over and over again that he didn't care about this new girl, and said that he still loved me two times.

 

I can't figure out if he was trying to make himself feel better, or if he genuinely misses me. Friend said it seems he still really cares and thinks about me.

 

We did the nice thing and gave him a ride back to the barracks. He started being mean to me (umm, hello dude... YOU are the one who was harassing me all night). He was very drunk. Kept saying he was apparently going to die oversease because of the military. It was really quite sad.

 

What to make of all of this?

 

Just goes to show that no contact can go a long way. I was ignoring him just under a week (since Sunday), and he was already seemingly bothered.

 

What do you guys make of this? was he just drunk and talking nonsense, or should I believe what he said about not caring about this new girl and that he still loves/cares about me?

[OldRover]

So here's an update: went out with friends tonight to get my mind off of things. Went to a local favorite bar that my ex also frequents. Spotted him from across the room. My friend said "You should go talk to him ." I said "No. As long as I'm not giving him the time of day, I feel a sense of empowerment. It's called the "No contact rule."

 

My "whatever" attitude literally drove my ex nuts the entire night, to the point that his friend actually had to take him from the bar because he wouldn't leave me alone! He would pass me and try to stop and talk, and I would just keep on walking. He ended up texting me saying "Talk to me please". I said well it looks like you've moved on with someone else, so why the talk? I went to the restroom and came back to find him sitting and talking to my best friend. He kept saying over and over again that he didn't care about this new girl, and said that he still loved me two times.

 

I can't figure out if he was trying to make himself feel better, or if he genuinely misses me. Friend said it seems he still really cares and thinks about me.

 

We did the nice thing and gave him a ride back to the barracks. He started being mean to me (umm, hello dude... YOU are the one who was harassing me all night). He was very drunk. Kept saying he was apparently going to die oversease because of the military. It was really quite sad.

 

What to make of all of this?

 

Just goes to show that no contact can go a long way. I was ignoring him just under a week (since Sunday), and he was already seemingly bothered.

 

What do you guys make of this? was he just drunk and talking nonsense, or should I believe what he said about not caring about this new girl and that he still loves/cares about me?

 

Tough call, but seeing how there is contact, it might pay to have a serious talk with him. However, if it's going to workout actions need to happen in addition to talk. We all make mistakes and do things we regret, I could argue to give him a chance to make it right..... or bring things to a permanent end with no more contact. Everyone acts a bit different when drunk... it may have been baloney or could have brought out the truth. Not the time to make serious decisions. You have an investment in him, and obviously care. I think it's worth the time to find out for sure. It might cost some time, and a bit more heart ache, perhaps worth it. Let us know, and best of luck.

[BC1980]

So here's an update: went out with friends tonight to get my mind off of things. Went to a local favorite bar that my ex also frequents. Spotted him from across the room. My friend said "You should go talk to him ." I said "No. As long as I'm not giving him the time of day, I feel a sense of empowerment. It's called the "No contact rule."

 

My "whatever" attitude literally drove my ex nuts the entire night, to the point that his friend actually had to take him from the bar because he wouldn't leave me alone! He would pass me and try to stop and talk, and I would just keep on walking. He ended up texting me saying "Talk to me please". I said well it looks like you've moved on with someone else, so why the talk? I went to the restroom and came back to find him sitting and talking to my best friend. He kept saying over and over again that he didn't care about this new girl, and said that he still loved me two times.

 

I can't figure out if he was trying to make himself feel better, or if he genuinely misses me. Friend said it seems he still really cares and thinks about me.

 

We did the nice thing and gave him a ride back to the barracks. He started being mean to me (umm, hello dude... YOU are the one who was harassing me all night). He was very drunk. Kept saying he was apparently going to die oversease because of the military. It was really quite sad.

 

What to make of all of this?

 

Just goes to show that no contact can go a long way. I was ignoring him just under a week (since Sunday), and he was already seemingly bothered.

 

What do you guys make of this? was he just drunk and talking nonsense, or should I believe what he said about not caring about this new girl and that he still loves/cares about me?

 

He just wanted attention. Above, people hate to be ignored. That is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone. He missed your attention, not you. He has no intention of getting back with you and only insisted on talking to you for selfish intetests. He demonstrated how little he respects you by not leaving you alone.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Would it be completely juvenile of me to admit that last night felt really empowering to me? Like I gained the "upper hand"?

 

Here is this man I loved who walked out on me and moved on less than two weeks after, BEGGING me to talk to him.

 

It also should be mentioned that his friends were being a little rude to me throughout the evening, leading me to believe he has been saying some not-so-nice things about me.

 

I'm actually pretty proud, because I knew my limitations and that if I had stopped to talk to him I would melt into his arms and beg him back. I really haven't asked him back at all. I've emphasized that I want to move on.

 

Knowing my ex, he says what's really on his mind when he's been drinking. Do you all remember my earlier posts about his drinking habits? Well, he showed me last night that he hasn't changed at all.

 

I can't figure out if this all was what I needed to move on, or if I'm just on a high right now and later on I will feel bad for what I said at the end of the evening to him. For now I'll just go with the former. I'm just surprised he gave me any sort of attention whatsoever, since he hasn't freely called or texted me since our breakup. I always initiated contact and even then it was strained.

[BC1980]

I can't figure out if this all was what I needed to move on, or if I'm just on a high right now and later on I will feel bad for what I said at the end of the evening to him. For now I'll just go with the former. I'm just surprised he gave me any sort of attention whatsoever, since he hasn't freely called or texted me since our breakup. I always initiated contact and even then it was strained.

 

You're just on a high right now because you did sort of gain the upper hand FOR THAT MOMENT. But it's a game, and it's in a hollow way. Getting him to want your attention for one night doesn't fill any deep need inside of you for the long haul. In a week, you will go back to realizing that he doesn't really care about you, and you will again be alone with your thoughts. How will you get power and be fulfilled when he is not around?

 

In the end, you realize that the only way forward is to completely ignore him and get the power from YOU. Only you can heal yourself in any deep and meaningful way. I think it's normal to get that high when an ex wants your attention. My ex and I used to play games like that too. He would text me, and I would wait hours to respond and then only give a one word answer. I basically set up a dynamic where he was trying to get my attention, and I would parcel out my contact bit by bit. But how did that help me? It didn't. All I was doing was getting some fake power from a source (my ex) who only wanted attention. He didn't care about me. He simply wanted to make sure I was still around. He was just as bad as I was for playing the game with me.

 

I'm glad you didn't talk to him last night. But next time, you have to completely ignore him. No texts. No rides back home. Nothing. You have to start finding ways to get your "high" from better sources. That's something you really have to work hard on, and it's hard for all of us. Trust me, we all struggle with that. Even now, working with my ex, he will attempt to speak to me, and I ignore him. Honestly, it gives me a little satisfaction, but I have to put it into perspective. I have to realize that he is only trying to speak to me for his own gain. The high is normal, but see it for what it is, and move on to better ways to get that high.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I said some really terrible things last night to him, having been drinking so much and all the emotions. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I'm really ashamed.

 

I sent him a text this morning. I HAD to apologize. What I said to him was deplorable and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't apologize.

 

I basically told him I was very sorry, that I will never try to interfere in his life (and I haven't been), that I wish him nothing but love and happiness and he will always be very special to me.

 

As I sit here typing this, I can't help but cry. Knowing his feelings of worthlessness he has sometimes, and what I said to him. I was totally wrong.

 

That is why I tried so hard to stay away from him last night, because I knew this would happen. I really hate myself right now.

[aloneinaz]

You need to re-read the whole NC thread on concepts. I'm not sure why you're feeling proud or you got your "power back".. When I went NC on my last GF, the last thing I'd do is go anywhere near where I might of run into her.

 

You appear to love the drama and are not ready to move on.

[BC1980]

I said some really terrible things last night to him, having been drinking so much and all the emotions. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I'm really ashamed.

 

I sent him a text this morning. I HAD to apologize. What I said to him was deplorable and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't apologize.

 

I basically told him I was very sorry, that I will never try to interfere in his life (and I haven't been), that I wish him nothing but love and happiness and he will always be very special to me.

 

As I sit here typing this, I can't help but cry. Knowing his feelings of worthlessness he has sometimes, and what I said to him. I was totally wrong.

 

That is why I tried so hard to stay away from him last night, because I knew this would happen. I really hate myself right now.

 

Oh man, that was a total mess, but all you can do now is move on from it and go NC. What happened is a great example of why you need NC. Once you saw him in that bar, you should have bolted. You are in no state to see him in person right now.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You need to re-read the whole NC thread on concepts. I'm not sure why you're feeling proud or you got your "power back".. When I went NC on my last GF, the last thing I'd do is go anywhere near where I might of run into her.

 

You appear to love the drama and are not ready to move on.

 

I didn't necessarily mean a power struggle between us, but rather I got MY sense of empowerment back. I had felt so helpless and abandoned up until last night, and constantly wondering if I had been forgotten. I got the reassurance I so desperately wanted.

 

As for avoiding places because of him: we live in a pretty small town so the chances of seeing him are huge anyway, and I stayed across the bar the whole night. He approached us. He followed me. He texted me. I avoided him at all costs until he confronted me. I wasn't looking for any drama. It found me in the form of him.

 

Oh man, that was a total mess, but all you can do now is move on from it and go NC. What happened is a great example of why you need NC. Once you saw him in that bar, you should have bolted. You are in no state to see him in person right now.

 

I was actually quite proud of the fact that I avoided him the majority of the time. I exercised some self control.

 

I'm not as much sad over the situation anymore, but am definitely a little confused as to the drunk texting and "I love you" stuff, and him denying that the new girl is serious. I don't know why he feels the need to explain this new relationship to me, and keep on emphasizing that it didn't happen before we broke up. Why should he care what I think? He told me a week ago to not worry about what he does yet he divulged all this info last night.

 

Overall, I'm a little relieved. I left things on a good note today. I am emotionally exhausted from all of it though.

[Simon Phoenix]

You were doing fine avoiding him, but texting that apology was a bad move. Pretty much all of the strength you showed was undermined by you being a cowardly weakling again. What the hell are you apologizing for? This guy threw you to the side, you finally show a backbone and you apologize for it? SMH.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You were doing fine avoiding him, but texting that apology was a bad move. Pretty much all of the strength you showed was undermined by you being a cowardly weakling again. What the hell are you apologizing for? This guy threw you to the side, you finally show a backbone and you apologize for it? SMH.

 

I apologized for the things I said to him last night. They were so bad that I can't even repeat them here. I couldn't forgive myself if I had said those things, he was deployed and something happened to him. Trust me, it warranted an apology.

[Simon Phoenix]

I apologized for the things I said to him last night. They were so bad that I can't even repeat them here. I couldn't forgive myself if I had said those things, he was deployed and something happened to him. Trust me, it warranted an apology.

 

I don't really trust you because you seem to cave constantly, but assuming you're right, that's more reason for you to avoid this man. Next time you see him out, leave. Stop playing with fire.

[BC1980]

I apologized for the things I said to him last night. They were so bad that I can't even repeat them here. I couldn't forgive myself if I had said those things, he was deployed and something happened to him. Trust me, it warranted an apology.

 

You really need to remove yourself from this volatile situation.

[aloneinaz]

 

As for avoiding places because of him: we live in a pretty small town so the chances of seeing him are huge anyway, and I stayed across the bar the whole night. He approached us. He followed me. He texted me. I avoided him at all costs until he confronted me. I wasn't looking for any drama. It found me in the form of him.

 

Sorry, if you were NOT looking for drama, you wouldn't of gone to that bar and would have certainly left whe you saw him there. Everything in this paragraph would have been avoid had you chosen to not go to that bar or leave when you saw him there. YOU wanted his attention and the drama by your actions..

 

 

I was actually quite proud of the fact that I avoided him the majority of the time. I exercised some self control.

 

No, someone w/self control would not have put themselves in that position in the first place.

 

A the end of the day, you need to decide when your done with the drama and spining your wheels worrying/thinking about a guy who left you and is now banging another girl. You need to worry about your pride and spend your energy finding another guy who wants to be with you full time. EVERYONE here is telllng you to ignore him and go NC for you to heal and move on yet your don't listen to anyone's advice..

[darkbloom]

If he was approaching you in the bar and then you texted him in the bathroom about the new girl? You lost. NC is not a game; but you have to play it like one to heal. Meaning if he was approaching you at the bar and would not leave you needed to remove yourself from the situation. NC literally means NC. Even if he is texting you and pursuing you. You do NOT engage and you do NOT respond. Any response is just adding fuel to the dramatic fire and making you start over. You are playing a game of emotional battleship and he is launching missiles at you. STOP SHOWING HIM WHERE TO HIT.

 

The apology text puts you back at square one. You have nothing to apologize for because you are not in a relationship with him anymore. His thoughts and opinions are irrelevant. And for the love of God, stop visiting places you know he will be at. And do not drink at said establishments because you are putting yourself in a vulnerable and volatile situation.

[brokengirl85]

Someone wrote here: treat your ex as if he was cancer. Avoid him.

Treat your ex as an old boss who fired you. Avoid him. Be courteous but avoid him.

 

The only game you're playing is with your feelings. And you're gonna loose. Again.

 

Protect yourself. Avoid your ex as if he was that cancer or that old nasty boss. He's not different.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

If he was approaching you in the bar and then you texted him in the bathroom about the new girl? You lost. NC is not a game; but you have to play it like one to heal. Meaning if he was approaching you at the bar and would not leave you needed to remove yourself from the situation. NC literally means NC. Even if he is texting you and pursuing you. You do NOT engage and you do NOT respond. Any response is just adding fuel to the dramatic fire and making you start over. You are playing a game of emotional battleship and he is launching missiles at you. STOP SHOWING HIM WHERE TO HIT.

 

The apology text puts you back at square one. You have nothing to apologize for because you are not in a relationship with him anymore. His thoughts and opinions are irrelevant. And for the love of God, stop visiting places you know he will be at. And do not drink at said establishments because you are putting yourself in a vulnerable and volatile situation.

 

I didn't text him. I had been NC for 5 days at that point.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I hate that I have to give up my favorite places just because he might be there. I've already lost enough because of this guy. Why do we have to avoid places? He left me, so he shouldn't even be trying to talk or get my attention. That's why I went there, because he had barely spoken a word to me since our breakup, and not once did he initiate contact, so I thought it would be fine. But I guess if that's what it takes, I'll have to consider doing something else with my Friday nights.

[darkbloom]

He ended up texting me saying "Talk to me please". I said well it looks like you've moved on with someone else, so why the talk?

 

This right here is why you lost. You don't have to avoid your favorite places forever but you should avoid them while you are waiting for these feelings to die down. You can't expect to see him at the local bar and rub elbows with him and remain unaffected. You're not superwoman. You are hurt and trying to recover.