Why does my ex (the dumper) like to push my buttons when he sees me?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

This right here is why you lost. You don't have to avoid your favorite places forever but you should avoid them while you are waiting for these feelings to die down. You can't expect to see him at the local bar and rub elbows with him and remain unaffected. You're not superwoman. You are hurt and trying to recover.

 

I see what you mean now. Sorry, was feeling a little fuzzy when I responded earlier since I had just woken up.

 

I honestly, truly thought he wouldn't even be there (he told a few people he wasn't going out anymore, because he's been reserving his nights for Skyping this new girl), and that if he was there, he wouldn't even bother me anyway. Since our breakup he hadn't initiated contact once, so why is he suddenly a mess in person?

 

It's just that that was the place I always go to with friends (I actually met him there). I'd been going there long before him. Like I said, it's a small town and believe it or not there was a shooting last night at the other major dance bar in town. I like going out and dancing and having a good time to get my mind off of things. My options are kind of limited now.

 

I guess I'll have to make some sacrifices for the sake of my own happiness now. I guess he can have that place until I've moved on. I hope there's one day when I can see him and not even think twice about it.

[BC1980]

If he was approaching you in the bar and then you texted him in the bathroom about the new girl? You lost. NC is not a game; but you have to play it like one to heal. Meaning if he was approaching you at the bar and would not leave you needed to remove yourself from the situation. NC literally means NC. Even if he is texting you and pursuing you. You do NOT engage and you do NOT respond. Any response is just adding fuel to the dramatic fire and making you start over. You are playing a game of emotional battleship and he is launching missiles at you. STOP SHOWING HIM WHERE TO HIT.

 

The apology text puts you back at square one. You have nothing to apologize for because you are not in a relationship with him anymore. His thoughts and opinions are irrelevant. And for the love of God, stop visiting places you know he will be at. And do not drink at said establishments because you are putting yourself in a vulnerable and volatile situation.

 

Please take this advice, and, for the love of all that is holy, block him. Block him from all forms of social media, and block him from your phone/email. You aren't in a place where you can easily ignore him if he texts you. No one is at this point. Everyone is emotionally volatile at this point, so you MUST block any way he can contact you.

 

You do need to avoid the bar if he frequents, and, no, it's not fair. Yes, it does suck, but you have to make some sacrifices right now. At this point, you have to purposefully avoid him. I had to consider finding a new job at one point. I had to avoid certain places at one point. You won't have to avoid places forever, but it's something that is absolutely essential right now. If you keep engaging in any contact with him (direct or indirect), the only game being played is on you.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You guys, I am so sorry. I can FEEL everyone's frustration with me growing. I KNOW I am doing everything wrong at this point. I keep going back and forth, blocking Facebook and unblocking, blocking phone number and unblocking. I am the poster child for weak women right now, and I don't blame a single one of you for thinking badly of me.

 

I was doing good with NC for about a week after we broke up, but once the line of communication was opened even slightly, it just got out of control. It's so hard for me, personally, to ignore someone whom I know has some emotional/drinking issues when they come to me and are vulnerable. It's like, for that second, my mind goes completely devoid of all the wrong he has done. I know I have to stop, but my willpower is so lacking and I'm ashamed.

 

I never knew it could be this difficult.

[BC1980]

You guys, I am so sorry. I can FEEL everyone's frustration with me growing. I KNOW I am doing everything wrong at this point. I keep going back and forth, blocking Facebook and unblocking, blocking phone number and unblocking. I am the poster child for weak women right now, and I don't blame a single one of you for thinking badly of me.

 

I was doing good with NC for about a week after we broke up, but once the line of communication was opened even slightly, it just got out of control. It's so hard for me, personally, to ignore someone whom I know has some emotional/drinking issues when they come to me and are vulnerable. It's like, for that second, my mind goes completely devoid of all the wrong he has done. I know I have to stop, but my willpower is so lacking and I'm ashamed.

 

I never knew it could be this difficult.

 

I don't think you need to feel ashamed, and I don't feel badly against you. If anything, what you did is a natural reaction to breaking NC. It was predictable. If you see an ex after one week of NC, you can't be expected to act rationally unless you physically remove yourself from the situation. That is why we are recommending blocking and avoiding certain places. Right now, emotions are high, you are thinking all kinds of thoughts, so you have to protect yourself with NC.

 

With regards to his drinking issues, that's not your concern anymore. You have to enforce a boundary in this instance. You are the last person who needs to be supporting him with his drinking issues. You have your own issues to deal with, so how can you help him? Furthermore, it's just not your place anymore. If a relationship breaks up, a lot comes with that. You are not longer his emotional support system, shoulder to cry on, ect. If he's that bad off, he's not even in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship.

 

If you open the door a little, a whole lot will come through. And you're right, it's pretty darn difficult to walk away when someone is coming to you with issues. You do start to feel bad and forget what the person has done to betray you. So don't put yourself in that position. When I first started seeing my ex at work, I would think, he can't be that bad. Maybe we should try to make amends. And that was after a year of NC. I hadn't seen the guy in a year, hadn't talked to him in a year, and he still had that small effect on me. It's really hard when you see someone in person, so I wouldn't recommend it for a long time.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I read the NC guide, and it helped strengthen my resolve a little...

 

He texted me earlier today, telling me to leave him alone but then went into accusing me of seeing other men, because "everyone told me you have been with other guys". This is completely untrue. I told him that I have not, and I only talked to one guy and it amounted to nothing. He got angry at this. He also claims this new girl is more serious about him than he is about her. I don't know why he feels the need to justify his new relationship to me all the time like he does.

 

He kept threatening to block my number, but then would trail off into some stupid conversation. I finally ended it by saying I would make it easier on both of us and do the blocking, because I needed to be able to move on. His response to that was his usual trying to pull at my heart strings by saying it should be easy to move on from him because he's a worthless piece of garbage.

 

I never responded. It's emotionally draining talking to him.

 

Blocking his number is really hard for me, because I worry about his well being when he drinks, and he would always call me when he needed help. I know it isn't my business anymore so it shouldn't matter. I just can't help but still care.

 

So today marks 3 weeks of being broken up, and day 1 of NC all over again.

 

I should also add that, lately, I've really been craving him sexually, and I don't want to sleep with anyone else. That also makes it harder.

Edited May 18, 2015 by ColdandLonelyinAK

[Ruby65]

I'm frankly astonished that you haven't blocked him by now

 

But whatever.... good luck to you!

[BC1980]

There's really no further advice to be offered unless you want to go NC. You're doing yourself in by your own hand at this point.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Ok, ok... I know what you're all thinking... "Not this emotional train wreck girl again.", but I just am a little curious and I've had this on my mind all week.

 

Have any of you ever run into an ex who was intoxicated, and they confessed they "still love you"?

 

What did you make of it? And how long was it after the breakup?

 

I keep playing this moment over and over in my head. Ran into the ex 19 days post-BU this weekend (he fell apart when he saw me) and he said it several times, and expressed jealousy of other guys. I have started NC (since Sunday), but I don't want to have those what if moments, since he said that. I can't help but wonder if it came from some truth or he was just rambling on drunkenly. People always say "Drunk words are sober thoughts", but is that really true?

 

So all in all, what do you make of it when an ex is obviously drunk and they tell you they still love you?

[jen1447]

Drunk words are drunk thoughts.

 

Unless he ran screaming from you when you broke up, I'm assuming it's a safe bet he still had feelings of some sort, wasn't totally apathetic either? All being drunk does it deactivate your filter, so whatever incoherent nonsense is running around in his mind just came out unfiltered. Probably really doesn't mean anything you don't already know in some way or other.

[OneBigIdgit]

I'd say it was the truth. Sounds like no contact is working. or was until you ran into the ex

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Drunk words are drunk thoughts.

 

Unless he ran screaming from you when you broke up, I'm assuming it's a safe bet he still had feelings of some sort, wasn't totally apathetic either? All being drunk does it deactivate your filter, so whatever incoherent nonsense is running around in his mind just came out unfiltered. Probably really doesn't mean anything you don't already know in some way or other.

 

I was actually quite surprised he said it, since he had said he wanted to leave me for a long time, packed his stuff up, walked out and hadn't initiated contact since the BU.

 

apparently he has also been going to parties at a friend's house (my friend from before I met him), and he has been talking about our breakup to a lot of people.

 

When I told him I needed to heal and we shouldn't talk for the time being, and asked him to tell me if we were over for good so I could move on, he muttered the words and I told him he could pick up the last of his stuff from the back of my car. He still hasn't done it yet.

 

I'd say it was the truth. Sounds like no contact is working. or was until you ran into the ex

 

That's what my friend who was there thought as well, but who knows? It was only NC for five days at that point.

 

 

I guess the point of the thread here is did anyone ever have this happen and It turned out it was the truth? Looking for experiences too.

[minime13]

I was actually quite surprised he said it, since he had said he wanted to leave me for a long time, packed his stuff up, walked out and hadn't initiated contact since the BU.

 

apparently he has also been going to parties at a friend's house (my friend from before I met him), and he has been talking about our breakup to a lot of people.

 

When I told him I needed to heal and we shouldn't talk for the time being, and asked him to tell me if we were over for good so I could move on, he muttered the words and I told him he could pick up the last of his stuff from the back of my car. He still hasn't done it yet.

 

 

 

That's what my friend who was there thought as well, but who knows? It was only NC for five days at that point.

 

 

I guess the point of the thread here is did anyone ever have this happen and It turned out it was the truth? Looking for experiences too.

 

It probably is the truth. The question is what do you want it to mean for you? Even if he doe mean it, do you want to give it a lot of credit and thought? First, he didn't reach out to you - he ran into you. He was also drunk. That doesn't make it meaningless, but it doesn't exactly make it come from a pure place.

 

He should be able to come to you on his own, and thinking clearly, and say those things and make some big apologies for how he treated you, as well as tell you that he is willing to work at the relationship again if that is what you want. Anything outside of that, I wouldn't take too seriously and would still continue NC.

Edited May 21, 2015 by minime13

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I have no idea what I want it to mean. I guess more than anything I just wanted to know he didn't just walk out of my life and not give me a second thought, and I guess I got that confirmation.

 

He just frustrates me, because I've literally had to beg him to get his things, and whenever I initiated contact he told me to leave him alone and that his love life isn't any of my business anymore (which is true). So I backed off and then when I see him in person he's a total wreck, throws the L word around and accuses me of being with multiple guys. He also brought the same things up a day later when he was sober.

 

It's like he wants me to keep hanging onto him. he's so stubborn.

[minime13]

I have no idea what I want it to mean. I guess more than anything I just wanted to know he didn't just walk out of my life and not give me a second thought, and I guess I got that confirmation.

 

He just frustrates me, because I've literally had to beg him to get his things, and whenever I initiated contact he told me to leave him alone and that his love life isn't any of my business anymore (which is true). So I backed off and then when I see him in person he's a total wreck, throws the L word around and accuses me of being with multiple guys. He also brought the same things up a day later when he was sober.

 

It's like he wants me to keep hanging onto him. he's so stubborn.

 

He may still love you and may want to get back together, but it doesn't sound like he is in a place where he can treat you with any respect. I'd say just drop his stuff off to him, and continue NC. Maybe he'll change for the better, or maybe he won't. Right now, you need your distance from all that so you can get over how he treated you, and so he can't continue to toy with you.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

He may still love you and may want to get back together, but it doesn't sound like he is in a place where he can treat you with any respect. I'd say just drop his stuff off to him, and continue NC. Maybe he'll change for the better, or maybe he won't. Right now, you need your distance from all that so you can get over how he treated you, and so he can't continue to toy with you.

 

I wish I could. He lives on a military base here so I'd have to get someone to get me on post to drop it off, and even then I can't just leave it anywhere.

 

The first struggle was with about four bags of his stuff. I finally had to have someone take it. This time it's a couple things I found after, like some extra keys and stuff. I told him I need every trace of his stuff gone so I can move on and he still won't get it.

 

I feel like such an idiot for letting my feelings be known to him, since that's such a bad thing for a dumpee to do after a breakup. I can't figure out if he likes the attention, or if he's trying to keep that last tie as long as he can in case he changes his mind.

 

The love thing screwed up whatever progress I had made.

[BC1980]

As a general rule, I would weigh a person's actions heavier than any words (drunk or not). Talk is cheap.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

As a general rule, I would weigh a person's actions heavier than any words (drunk or not). Talk is cheap.

 

True. He acted like a lunatic when we saw each other. Complete emotional mess. Not sure what that meant.

 

I keep telling him I want to move on, and that the giving of all the stuff is a way to do that. He still won't do it.

 

I also found out he's been going to parties at a close friends house. That really bothers me.

[aloneinaz]

I guess more than anything I just wanted to know he didn't just walk out of my life and not give me a second thought, and I guess I got that confirmation.

 

No one ever simply forgets there ex. It's not possible. Even if they HATE them at the end.

 

He just frustrates me, because I've literally had to beg him to get his things,

 

It sounds like you're HOLDING ON TO HOPE and that failed relationship by NOT returning his things. That's the first thing you do when you break up and initiate NC. You return everything, even if it means DUMPING it on his porch. You want to give the dumper no excuse to contact you..

 

Dumpers are selfish and self serving. I speak from experience. Yes, he MAY be stringing you along to keep you on the back burner. It feels good to be single and looking for other options while knowing you have a fall back plan with someone pinning for you. I wouldn't read ANYTHING into his "I love you" except him being manipulative.

 

Stay no contact this time. I'm not sure why you'd be satisfied being anyone's back up plan nor want to restart a lousy relationship that failed.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

^^^ Not sure if you read my post last week, but he already started talking to another girl long distance a week after we broke up. He went to great lengths to conceal it from me, and when I found it, I blocked him on everything and went hardcore NC. That's when he got angry and confronted me in person when we saw each other last weekend. He kept going on and on about how this new person meant nothing and that's when the I love yous started coming.

 

He keeps going out of his way to downplay this new relationship and i don't know why. My opinion of it shouldn't matter.

[minime13]

I wish I could. He lives on a military base here so I'd have to get someone to get me on post to drop it off, and even then I can't just leave it anywhere.

 

The first struggle was with about four bags of his stuff. I finally had to have someone take it. This time it's a couple things I found after, like some extra keys and stuff. I told him I need every trace of his stuff gone so I can move on and he still won't get it.

 

I feel like such an idiot for letting my feelings be known to him, since that's such a bad thing for a dumpee to do after a breakup. I can't figure out if he likes the attention, or if he's trying to keep that last tie as long as he can in case he changes his mind.

 

The love thing screwed up whatever progress I had made.

 

I would gather his things, pack them up and put them away where you will not see them and can forget about them. If he comes to pick them up, fine, if not, they're out of sight, and out of mind.

[aloneinaz]

^^^ Not sure if you read my post last week, but he already started talking to another girl long distance a week after we broke up. He went to great lengths to conceal it from me, and when I found it, I blocked him on everything and went hardcore NC. That's when he got angry and confronted me in person when we saw each other last weekend. He kept going on and on about how this new person meant nothing and that's when the I love yous started coming.

 

He keeps going out of his way to downplay this new relationship and i don't know why. My opinion of it shouldn't matter.

 

All the more reason to stay strict NC and avoid places you may run into him again.

 

As far as his things, if he's on a military base, there has to be a place you could dump them. I'd find out quickly. It's not your job to store his items till he feel compelled to come and pick them up.

[darkbloom]

I thought you blocked him??

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I would gather his things, pack them up and put them away where you will not see them and can forget about them. If he comes to pick them up, fine, if not, they're out of sight, and out of mind.

 

I told him the other day that, as long as I have anything of his at my house, I'm going to be tempted to talk to him. That will be my reason. I also told him to block my number, because I'm weak and will always unblock him. He wouldn't do either. He said he "can't".

 

I know I'm incredibly weak, and I know it's probably frustrating to talk to me on here. I've been NC a few days now and it feels good, but I feel like I've continually given him the upper hand and a sense of control. I'm frustrated with myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Knowing he's now hanging out with my friends, it makes it even harder to avoid him. I feel like I'm letting everyone down with how I've reacted to this breakup, most importantly myself.

 

But the "I love you and she means nothing" stuff has set me back a couple of weeks, and has given me a false sense of hope.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I thought you blocked him??

 

I have. Haven't talked since Sunday but I've still been wondering what it all meant on Friday evening when I saw him, which is why I made this thread.

[Simon Phoenix]

^^^ Not sure if you read my post last week, but he already started talking to another girl long distance a week after we broke up. He went to great lengths to conceal it from me, and when I found it, I blocked him on everything and went hardcore NC. That's when he got angry and confronted me in person when we saw each other last weekend. He kept going on and on about how this new person meant nothing and that's when the I love yous started coming.

 

He keeps going out of his way to downplay this new relationship and i don't know why. My opinion of it shouldn't matter.

 

You need to really stop all this circular thinking. You're just keeping yourself in the muck and I almost feel like you enjoy it there. You obsess about little thing (and yes, drunken thoughts are a little thing). Actions are what pay the bills, and this guys actions haven't paid for sh*t. You need to quit the constant mental gymnastics or you are going to drive yourself insane.

 

I mean, you have to stop this. He was drunk and said stupid drunk stuff. Stop trying to divide by zero.