Why does my ex (the dumper) like to push my buttons when he sees me?

May 21, 2015

You need to really stop all this circular thinking. You're just keeping yourself in the muck and I almost feel like you enjoy it there. You obsess about little thing (and yes, drunken thoughts are a little thing). Actions are what pay the bills, and this guys actions haven't paid for sh*t. You need to quit the constant mental gymnastics or you are going to drive yourself insane.

I mean, you have to stop this. He was drunk and said stupid drunk stuff. Stop trying to divide by zero.

I do obsess and it's always been a personality flaw of mine. There were other things he had done when he wasn't drunk that made me think too. Like the hanging out with my friends at their house, talking to everyone about our breakup and trying to get info on anyone I might be seeing or sleeping with. Things like these make me think he still cares for some reason, and make me wonder if I really should give up or keep trying.

I'm sorry. It's something I'm working on. I do obsess over things. Maybe at this point it would be best if I see a therapist.

May 21, 2015

I have never had this from an Ex. I've only gotten this from guys who in the past were never able to make a move on me when we were "friends".

May 21, 2015

I do obsess and it's always been a personality flaw of mine. There were other things he had done when he wasn't drunk that made me think too. Like the hanging out with my friends at their house, talking to everyone about our breakup and trying to get info on anyone I might be seeing or sleeping with. Things like these make me think he still cares for some reason, and make me wonder if I really should give up or keep trying.

I'm sorry. It's something I'm working on. I do obsess over things. Maybe at this point it would be best if I see a therapist.

Yes, you should see a therapist because it will be helpful. The thing is, none of that stuff matters. You are creating so many scenarios in an attempt to give yourself hope that you are basically banging your head against a wall. The simple reality is that he broke up with you. AND EVEN IF HE DID FEEL HE MADE A MISTAKE IT'S UP TO HIM TO FIX IT, HE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe if I put 70 exclamation points you'll figure out that it's on him. If he's talking to your friends, it doesn't matter. He wasn't afraid to break up with you, he knows you are completely codependent on him, do you really think he would be scared to ask you to try again? I mean, he knows the success rate of asking to do that would be 99.99999999999999999 percent. I mean, please, please, please stop this.

May 21, 2015

My apologies if I've frustrated you. I lost my job a couple of months ago, then the person I wanted to marry not even a month later, so... Yeah. It's been a hard time for me and YES I have been clinging on to the tiniest of hopes to keep something good in my life. Maybe I won't post anymore since I'm going around in circles.

May 21, 2015

I told him the other day that, as long as I have anything of his at my house, I'm going to be tempted to talk to him. That will be my reason. I also told him to block my number, because I'm weak and will always unblock him. He wouldn't do either. He said he "can't".

He doesn't want to. He wants an option in case things don't work out with the other woman.

I know I'm incredibly weak, and I know it's probably frustrating to talk to me on here. I've been NC a few days now and it feels good, but I feel like I've continually given him the upper hand and a sense of control. I'm frustrated with myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

NC, and do not give him any upper hand. Go give his stuff to a mutual friend. Get it out of your possession. Let it go. Who cares what he thinks? Legally (depending on state) you can throw it out after a certain amount of time. Possession is 9/10ths of the law.

Knowing he's now hanging out with my friends, it makes it even harder to avoid him. I feel like I'm letting everyone down with how I've reacted to this breakup, most importantly myself.

Let your friends know that you don't want to see him or be around him. The good friends will respect this and will make sure they don't invite the two of you out together.

But the "I love you and she means nothing" stuff has set me back a couple of weeks, and has given me a false sense of hope.

The fact that there is a "she" that means "nothing" should be enough for you to turn your back and never look back. He dumped you to fool around. Not acceptable.

May 21, 2015

My apologies if I've frustrated you. I lost my job a couple of months ago, then the person I wanted to marry not even a month later, so... Yeah. It's been a hard time for me and YES I have been clinging on to the tiniest of hopes to keep something good in my life. Maybe I won't post anymore since I'm going around in circles.

Please don't let my frustration discourage you from posting. I really do realize this is hard and I'm not trying to minimize that. However, you've gotten a ton of great advice from posters and you just don't seem to be listening to any of it. You ruminate about the same things over and over as if you are talking to yourself. There's nothing wrong with that, several posters write their own journals, but if you want advice, then try to at least listen to it.

I, and other posters, are trying to keep you from getting lost in the white noise, because that's what's happening. The truth of the matter is simple.

1. He broke up with you

2. He, barring a drunken encounter, has gone out of his way not to talk to you.

3. It's up to him to WIN you back because HE broke it.

Everything else is colored bubbles. It really is. We make all of our situations into this epic thing, when in reality it's fairly simple -- they decided to end it, and it's up to them to fix what they broke. And if I were you, I'd tell your friends to stop reporting back to you on what he might be saying -- that's not helping you, especially since you are an overanalyzer.

Believe it or not, I tend to overanalyze -- or at least I used to. But it really is a waste of time. A little analysis is good, but you can pretty much trick yourself into believing anything if you continue to break it down and break it down. I think that's where you are stuck, and maybe talking to a professional will get you to slow down and simplify things.

But don't let me, or others, scare you off. I'm blunt because enabling this isn't going to help you. Other posters won't be as blunt or direct.

May 21, 2015

Ok, ok... I know what you're all thinking... "Not this emotional train wreck girl again.", but I just am a little curious and I've had this on my mind all week.

Have any of you ever run into an ex who was intoxicated, and they confessed they "still love you"?

What did you make of it? And how long was it after the breakup?

I keep playing this moment over and over in my head. Ran into the ex 19 days post-BU this weekend (he fell apart when he saw me) and he said it several times, and expressed jealousy of other guys. I have started NC (since Sunday), but I don't want to have those what if moments, since he said that. I can't help but wonder if it came from some truth or he was just rambling on drunkenly. People always say "Drunk words are sober thoughts", but is that really true?

So all in all, what do you make of it when an ex is obviously drunk and they tell you they still love you?

Well my ex didn't say he still loves me when he was drunk, instead he was on a lot of drugs because he had just gotten out of surgery. I was sitting next to him in his hospital bed when he woke up after the surgery and he said to me "Thank you for being here for me. I think I'm looking at my future wife." Needless to say, when he sobered up the next day he told me he still didn't wanna make things work so hey, take it how you want it.

May 21, 2015

Yes, a couple of days after we broke up. Ignored it. A week later, she's with another guy. Hilarious stuff.

May 21, 2015

Drunken word mean nothing. Good chance the next day he woke up regretting what he said or probably doesn't even remember saying them.

Ignore it, it's not worth your time trying to figure out a reasoning behind it.

May 21, 2015

Went to a long time friend's house last night. He just got back from a trip overseas and we got smashed! Needless to say, we said and did some stupid sh*t! His wife was complaining that he tossed a lit cig outside,so I came out with a fire extinguisher and put it out..He and I thought it was the funniest thing in the world....her...not so much. Drunken thoughts/actions mean nothing.

May 21, 2015

Simon Phoenix: you're fine. I NEED to hear the cold, hard truth.

I took some time to think. A lot of time, in fact. It was the weirdest thing. I woke up at 2 in the morning and started reading some articles to help me fall asleep, and it's like a light switch went off.

I've decided that, yes, I've been way too desperate and I'm totally grasping at straws now. I've taken every little sign that may mean NOTHING and have held onto it for dear life. I sat here in agony, over analyzing every little thing and driving myself nuts.

I don't want to do it anymore.

I've decided that I absolutely DO NOT CARE to hear from him again. I gave 110% of myself in that relationship. I read an article that basically said don't invest so much into a relationship that you're emotionally bankrupt when it's over. That's what my problem was. I gave so much that I feel I have nothing left.

This has, hands down, been the hardest year of my life. I lost two jobs, got into my first car wreck and lost my relationship (and more that I'm too ashamed to mention here). The ending of my relationship was the final straw and I went into a tailspin and now I'm desperate for anything "good" in my life, even though my relationship wasn't good! There had been several times before the BU that I seriously asked myself why I was still in the relationship. I think, in the end, it's not losing HIM that bothered me so. It was feeling a sense of loss of control with everything that has happened.

I've been reading a lot of articles from Baggage Reclaim, as one of the posters here suggested, and their articles help me a lot.

Today I went and got my hair done. It made me feel better.

His number is blocked and deleted. Him and his new girlfriend are blocked on social media, and I've decided not to go to the same places he goes anymore, and if he shows up I will leave.

I'm really sorry if any of you have been frustrated with the circles I go around in. I have got to take a stand for my own happiness and self worth, and you all have helped me so much.

Thank you for the support. I really hope this new mindset will stick and I can heal and move on.

May 21, 2015

Drunk words are drunk thoughts.

I hope this quote means that what you say when you are drunk is reflective of a drunk logic, because the things I said when I was drunk very, very rarely had anything to do with how I actually felt.

May 22, 2015

Simon Phoenix: you're fine. I NEED to hear the cold, hard truth.

I took some time to think. A lot of time, in fact. It was the weirdest thing. I woke up at 2 in the morning and started reading some articles to help me fall asleep, and it's like a light switch went off.

I've decided that, yes, I've been way too desperate and I'm totally grasping at straws now. I've taken every little sign that may mean NOTHING and have held onto it for dear life. I sat here in agony, over analyzing every little thing and driving myself nuts.

I don't want to do it anymore.

I've decided that I absolutely DO NOT CARE to hear from him again. I gave 110% of myself in that relationship. I read an article that basically said don't invest so much into a relationship that you're emotionally bankrupt when it's over. That's what my problem was. I gave so much that I feel I have nothing left.

This has, hands down, been the hardest year of my life. I lost two jobs, got into my first car wreck and lost my relationship (and more that I'm too ashamed to mention here). The ending of my relationship was the final straw and I went into a tailspin and now I'm desperate for anything "good" in my life, even though my relationship wasn't good! There had been several times before the BU that I seriously asked myself why I was still in the relationship. I think, in the end, it's not losing HIM that bothered me so. It was feeling a sense of loss of control with everything that has happened.

I've been reading a lot of articles from Baggage Reclaim, as one of the posters here suggested, and their articles help me a lot.

Today I went and got my hair done. It made me feel better.

His number is blocked and deleted. Him and his new girlfriend are blocked on social media, and I've decided not to go to the same places he goes anymore, and if he shows up I will leave.

I'm really sorry if any of you have been frustrated with the circles I go around in. I have got to take a stand for my own happiness and self worth, and you all have helped me so much.

Thank you for the support. I really hope this new mindset will stick and I can heal and move on.

And, without even realizing it, the first good thing has happened to you.

May 22, 2015

Simon Phoenix: you're fine. I NEED to hear the cold, hard truth.

I took some time to think. A lot of time, in fact. It was the weirdest thing. I woke up at 2 in the morning and started reading some articles to help me fall asleep, and it's like a light switch went off.

I've decided that, yes, I've been way too desperate and I'm totally grasping at straws now. I've taken every little sign that may mean NOTHING and have held onto it for dear life. I sat here in agony, over analyzing every little thing and driving myself nuts.

I don't want to do it anymore.

I've decided that I absolutely DO NOT CARE to hear from him again. I gave 110% of myself in that relationship. I read an article that basically said don't invest so much into a relationship that you're emotionally bankrupt when it's over. That's what my problem was. I gave so much that I feel I have nothing left.

This has, hands down, been the hardest year of my life. I lost two jobs, got into my first car wreck and lost my relationship (and more that I'm too ashamed to mention here). The ending of my relationship was the final straw and I went into a tailspin and now I'm desperate for anything "good" in my life, even though my relationship wasn't good! There had been several times before the BU that I seriously asked myself why I was still in the relationship. I think, in the end, it's not losing HIM that bothered me so. It was feeling a sense of loss of control with everything that has happened.

I've been reading a lot of articles from Baggage Reclaim, as one of the posters here suggested, and their articles help me a lot.

Today I went and got my hair done. It made me feel better.

His number is blocked and deleted. Him and his new girlfriend are blocked on social media, and I've decided not to go to the same places he goes anymore, and if he shows up I will leave.

I'm really sorry if any of you have been frustrated with the circles I go around in. I have got to take a stand for my own happiness and self worth, and you all have helped me so much.

Thank you for the support. I really hope this new mindset will stick and I can heal and move on.

This is good. Real good. It appears you reached the acceptance stage. That's a great milestone. You're well on your way to moving forward w/your life. What's also good is you're fully understanding the importance of FULL NC. Blocking him on everything, etc.. It would also be good to change your number if you can. This way you won't be apt to REACH for you phone every time you get a text or call, thinking it may be him..

I would of never healed from my ex had I not done what you're now doing. Going STRICT NC, blocking and avoiding helped me heal so much quicker. As the days/weeks/months passed, I had my mental clarity back and felt glad I was done w/my toxic relationship. It also allowed me to date sooner as I KNEW I was done w/the ex and would NEVER date her again..

May 22, 2015

Thanks, but I'm really ashamed at how I've acted, and wish I had come to this realization sooner.

It only took every single person in my life telling me he's sh*t (literally, NO ONE has told me we should get back together. Not a single person) and 3.5 weeks to finally get this.

I hope this feeling sticks. My mom told me right after the breakup "Right now you're sad, but there will come a day when you'll get ANGRY, and only then will you start to get over him and realize how bad it was."

Well, last night I had that moment. I stopped with the romance and good times in my mind and thought of all the times I felt inferior and cried because of him, and all I've lost. I also thought about what you guys said (really, I did!!!!), felt embarrassed and realized I need to change my way of thinking.

And yes I do agree that he probably meant nothing with the drunken sweet words. He's a drunk. I lost a job because of his drunken shenanigans, and we'll just leave it at that.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Sticking to my NC, and this time it's for ME, not so he'll wonder where I am.

May 22, 2015

My thoughts are that booze give a person the liquid courage to say what they are too chickensh*t to say sober. Thankfully, you are beginning to realize that he will eventually pull you down if you don't stand up for yourself. Def. stick to the NC, delete him from social media, phones, etc. Never put yourself in a position to be alone with him, for example walking to your car and see he is hanging around waiting for you. Get a friend, mall security, whatever, to escort you. That may seem a little over the top but your next to last statement was very telling...there's a lot more to this story than meets the eye!

May 23, 2015

My thoughts are that booze give a person the liquid courage to say what they are too chickensh*t to say sober. Thankfully, you are beginning to realize that he will eventually pull you down if you don't stand up for yourself. Def. stick to the NC, delete him from social media, phones, etc. Never put yourself in a position to be alone with him, for example walking to your car and see he is hanging around waiting for you. Get a friend, mall security, whatever, to escort you. That may seem a little over the top but your next to last statement was very telling...there's a lot more to this story than meets the eye!

He's okay when he's sober, but he's downright stupid when he drinks. He's jumped out of moving vehicles and tried to fight with his Army superiors when he was drunk. They almost put him in the Army's equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous, but they "let it slide". A few weeks later, the incident that cost me my job happened. If only they had put him in the program...

It makes me think how my life would have ended up had we gotten married.

May 23, 2015

nope....when a guy is drunk he knows ....i am not happy.....and its best not to talk to me...so never gotten a drunk i love you from an ex....my ex stopped drinking....after fo course...we split up.....which..lol...i am happy that he did...would have been nicer if he had done it with me.......deb

May 24, 2015

So, I went NC about a week ago, blocked him on everything and was happy to be moving on with my life. Went out and had some drinks with friends and went to a DIFFERENT place so I wouldn't chance running into my ex.

Well, he was there. We kept our distance, but he later looked dead at me and waved and gave me a sarcastic look and blew me a kiss.

He knows that things like that get me riled up, and sure enough I got extremely angry. I confronted him, and asked him why he always has to push my buttons. Keep in mind that I was extremely drunk at this time (I'm ashamed to admit it) and then I turned into a crying mess. He kept flip flopping between wanting to help me, and just being an ass.

The night ended with someone helping me into a cab and me bawling my eyes out. Of course he came outside while I was leaving and laughed at me with his friends!!!!

I was still so infuriated that, in my drunken stupor, I UNBLOCKED HIM on phone and Facebook, and we exchanged words. (This is why I literally begged him to block me. I told him that I would most likely unblock him so he needed to do it. He refused). I'm really ashamed of how I acted. Admittedly, I've been having a few too many on the weekends to help calm my nerves. Now I'm remembering why I stopped drinking. It really brings out a pathetic side of me that I hate.

Oh, and I went to the lake with some other friends yesterday and he was there too! We kept our distance, but his friends kept walking by and giving me dirty looks. Sober me wants nothing to do with him.

Why does he do this? He is the one who broke it off. I don't get why he likes to make me angry and see me so upset. I just don't get why he can't leave me alone. Should I just stay in for a few weekends while I am still recovering?