Why does my ex (the dumper) like to push my buttons when he sees me?

[BC1980]

Do you think he feels any sort of guilt at all, or has already forgotten about me? I really hope he hasn't. We were really close. We lived together. Everything in my house is a reminder of him.

 

I'm sure he does feel some guilt, but that's probably also why he doesn't want to talk to you. Seeing or speaking to you might trigger guilt, which would make him feel bad. Honestly though, I think the guilt is usually fleeting because most people don't like to think of themselves as causing another person pain. So I doubt he dwells on it, and he probably justifies it in some way. It's really hard for any of us to come to terms with how badly we may have hurt someone, so our natural reaction is to attempt to minimize the hurt. He also just doesn't understand how he made you feel because he can only understand his emotions.

 

So I guess the end result is that it doesn't matter if he feels guilt or how much he feels. It doesn't change anything because you are still left with your feelings. And you are still the one who will suffer and have to work through your feelings. Whether of not he feels guilt won't affect you. The best thing you can do is realize how much this hurts and try to show empathy to others. That is what I have tried to do, but it is difficult at times.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I'm sure he does feel some guilt, but that's probably also why he doesn't want to talk to you. Seeing or speaking to you might trigger guilt, which would make him feel bad. Honestly though, I think the guilt is usually fleeting because most people don't like to think of themselves as causing another person pain. So I doubt he dwells on it, and he probably justifies it in some way. It's really hard for any of us to come to terms with how badly we may have hurt someone, so our natural reaction is to attempt to minimize the hurt. He also just doesn't understand how he made you feel because he can only understand his emotions.

 

So I guess the end result is that it doesn't matter if he feels guilt or how much he feels. It doesn't change anything because you are still left with your feelings. And you are still the one who will suffer and have to work through your feelings. Whether of not he feels guilt won't affect you. The best thing you can do is realize how much this hurts and try to show empathy to others. That is what I have tried to do, but it is difficult at times.

 

Thank you. Knowing what type of person he is, I'm pretty sure he has been dragging my name through the mud the past few days. He is incredibly stubborn, never took any responsibility for his wrongdoings in our relationship and he also badmouthed his last ex (who he is now talking to again after she CHEATED on him) so I'm sure he's doing it to me.

 

The talking to his ex thing really bothers me. He can't even talk to me. I was loyal to him. Never thought once about another man. She cheated on him the minute he moved up here for the military while they were waiting on her to come up here.

 

It also makes me wonder if our relationship was just a rebound relationship to him? We got together about three months after she cheated. We were together a little over a year and a half. Not sure if that qualifies as a rebound relationship or not.

 

I don't think he has any feelings for her, plus she lives in another state and is engaged. She was a crazy wreck after he left her. She harassed me and him and tried to get him committed to mental hospital and kicked out of the Army. I am SO proud of myself for not talking to him these past few days and doing the crazy things she did.

 

So how can he go back to talking to someone who betrayed him but act like I was the worst girlfriend he ever had? Sure, I had trust issues... BUT I HAD REASONS. His lies and "unlucky circumstances" that involved me finding a condom in his pocket are what made me that way.

 

But when he left me, he said "I've wanted to leave for so long but you wouldn't let me." When I had told him several times that if he wasn't happy, move on so I can find the love I deserve. I didn't tie him to a bed like in Misery and keep him prisoner.

 

I have so many conflicting thoughts in my mind because of this. It's exhausting.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

We broke up a week ago (he broke up with me I should say). He hasn't talked to me since he left and I couldn't take it anymore. So I had one too many tequilas last night and texted him without a second thought. Surprisingly, he answered. I did everything wrong you can think of: told him I loved him, I miss him, he broke my heart, he's heartless, can we be friends someday, etc.

 

The heartless comment got a good reaction from him (he always hated when I said that), to which he said "Do you think it's been easy for me? It wasn't easy to do it (break up with me) I slept all week."

 

I could tell he was a little drunk also (that is, after all, why he left me... To be free to get hammered).

 

But then I did the most childish thing you can think of. I screenshotted a message from a guy I met at the bar and sent it to him, and said something along the lines of "Look, I can still get guys." He responded this morning with "What?" To which I haven't responded.

 

I also made a point to dance and flirt with guys in front of two of his good friends who were there.

 

I'm so ashamed of myself. This behavior is not normal for me. All this week I was so proud of main thing NC, but I guess I couldn't take the radio silence and hurt anymore.

 

At least now I know he's been hurting too, so in that respect I am glad I did it.

 

How can I recover from this? Should I even respond to his last text or just start NC all over again? Will he hate me now?

[Satu]

There's no point beating yourself up about it.

 

It's a very common mistake.

 

Try not to do it again...

 

***********************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

[erklat]

OP, you came to this forum over two years ago. What brought you

here?

 

Lay off the booze until you get your thoughts straight. Flirting in front

of his friends is booze doing what it does.

 

You do you and he does him. Just start NC all over again with no fuss.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

OP, you came to this forum over two years ago. What brought you

here?

 

Lay off the booze until you get your thoughts straight. Flirting in front

of his friends is booze doing what it does.

 

You do you and he does him. Just start NC all over again with no fuss.

 

I cam here two years ago for advice as well. When I look back at that, though, it seems so minuscule compared to what I'm going through now. What I'm recovering from now was a very serious relationship so it's good to talk to people. I don't have a lengthy history with relationships so I have a lot to learn.

 

Why do you ask?

[erklat]

Just curious what brought you here. I always kind of compare my

story and progress with other people who I suffered together with.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Just curious what brought you here. I always kind of compare my

story and progress with other people who I suffered together with.

 

I came here 2 years ago when I was confused over a guy I had been talking to for awhile. It had been a long time since I had been in a relationship and my self esteem issues have kept me from being successful with men in the past. That guy was just sort of a FWB thing but I wanted more and he didn't. I met the ex I'm currently grieving over a little less than a year after I came to this forum. After our breakup, I was googling for advice and it brought me here and I remembered that I'm a member and recalled how helpful everyone is.

 

It's just good to feel that you're not alone. When you're holed up in your room with ice cream, chick flicks and tears it's easy to feel that way.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

There's no point beating yourself up about it.

 

It's a very common mistake.

 

Try not to do it again...

 

***********************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

I'll try not to, and perhaps leave my phone at home next time, lol.

 

I just can't help but wonder what he thinks now?

 

Also, it was a relief to know he has been upset over me, too. Does that sound awful?

[Satu]

I'll try not to, and perhaps leave my phone at home next time, lol.

 

I just can't help but wonder what he thinks now?

 

Also, it was a relief to know he has been upset over me, too. Does that sound awful?

 

 

There is a truth that you haven't realised yet:

 

What he thinks about you doesn't matter.

 

What matters is what you think about yourself.

 

That realisation is complementary, on the house.

[erklat]

I'll try not to, and perhaps leave my phone at home next time, lol.

 

I just can't help but wonder what he thinks now?

 

Also, it was a relief to know he has been upset over me, too. Does that sound awful?

 

No, that's nothing wrong rejoicing in that kind of validation.

 

I think very few members here would choose not to deprive them of validation

if the opportunity was gifted on a silver platter.

[Tone Loc]

Don't respond to his text.

 

I won't bash you for what you did, break ups tend to mess with your head and lead you to do some crazy things. Don't be too hard on yourself here, simply dust yourself off and start again. You'll have to start from scratch, at day zero of NC but it's okay. No more texting at all, remove yourself from his life and disappear from his world (I read this on the forum today, I quite liked it).

 

Break ups shouldn't be about point-scoring or trying to get revenge, as you already know. Allow yourself time to heal, be really strict this time and completely cut all and any contact with him. Indulge yourself in your favourite hobbies, some good food and good music. Turn to your family and friends for support and just keep moving forward, don't worry too much about this episode. We all makes mistakes, hopefully you'll learn a lesson and forget him completely now. I'm at day 13 of no contact and even though I sometimes I felt like I wanted to text her, I didn't do it because nothing good ever comes out of breaking NC.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

So, my ex and I broke up last Sunday (as in 9 days ago). He had taken most of his things, but I went through everything this weekend and I have two garbage bags full of his stuff just sitting in my house. Normally I wouldn't care and would just throw it out, but there's a couple of important items he may want. I have his spare car key, as well as his autostart remote (which, trust me, he WILL want those items later on when it's forty below and he wants to start his car from inside, or when he drunkenly loses his other car key... which he has done before). There's also his favorite hoodie, a bunch of movies, an old game system, etc.

 

I have tried twice to get him to get his things. The first time (regrettably) was when I was drinking this weekend and emotionally told him to get his stuff so I don't have to see it. He said "[roommate] and I will make the exchange." My roommate wants nothing to do with this and absolutely refuses to drop his things off or allow him to come over here.

 

I also texted him this morning. Told him exactly what was here and made the mistake of saying I missed him and it was a hard week for me at the end of the text.

 

I can't have this stuff around my house, and he lives back in the barracks on the military base now, so I can't just go throw his crap on his porch. His stuff is just a painful reminder of what I lost.

 

What should I do?

 

And why won't he just let me know what to do with his stuff? Is he that bitter? HE broke up with ME? As far as I know, he isn't seeing someone else so me giving his stuff back shouldn't be an issue.

 

Perhaps the breakup is just too fresh and I should wait awhile longer? But that's just dragging this out more. I know he doesn't want me, and I just want to move on.

 

Thanks.

[CarrieT]

Either contact a mutual friend to return the stuff or leave it on his doorstep.

 

Do NOT contact him again.

[Familia]

If it was me, I would put the important items into a post bag and send them back to him, anything else trivial get rid of.

 

The last thing you need is to see him for whatever reason, he maybe with someone new and you do not need to experience that, been there done that and its hurts seeing them with a replacement flame.

 

Do not use this as any excuse to see him or he see you.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I don't really know his address (because he just stayed with me off post while we're together). I guess if all else failed, I could find someone to take me on post and just put it by his car or something. I just don't know. I don't want him to think I'm a psycho just showing up and dropping his stuff off when I don't belong on post since I'm a civilian.

 

My mom thinks he's leaving some things at my place so he can have some sort of reason to come back someday. The night before he broke it off with me, he was questioning whether we should go on a break. Also, the main reason he broke up with me was because he wanted to be free to go out and be wild with his buddies. Perhaps he thinks he can go and be wild and crazy then just come back "for his stuff" and I will take him back with open arms.

Edited May 6, 2015 by ColdandLonelyinAK

[beach]

Just tell him it's at the curb and to drive by and pick it up.

 

Tell him to hurry before strangers start taking it.

[joseb]

No, that's nothing wrong rejoicing in that kind of validation.

 

I think very few members here would choose not to deprive them of validation

if the opportunity was gifted on a silver platter.

 

Actually, I think there is, and I see the same issues in so many people posting here. The OP even came here 2 years ago with self esteem issues.

You should not be relying on anyone else for validation.

 

It sounds cliche, and it took me a long time to realise it, but it really must come from within.

 

Too few people here are prepared to spend any time alone so that can really get to this point.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Actually, I think there is, and I see the same issues in so many people posting here. The OP even came here 2 years ago with self esteem issues.

You should not be relying on anyone else for validation.

 

It sounds cliche, and it took me a long time to realise it, but it really must come from within.

 

Too few people here are prepared to spend any time alone so that can really get to this point.

 

I actually spent a lot of time alone. 4 1/2 years since my last relationship before I met this guy, to be exact.

 

I don't think it's wrong to be happy to know that someone you gave your all to has been upset over your breakup. As the dumpee, and as someone who lost a lot (financially, emotionally) in the relationship, it was an immense relief to know that. It made me feel so much better, because I always seem to hear people say "Oh, he wanted to break up with you long ago so he's probably over you already." I had spent the entire week of NC wondering if he was just running around, free as a bird and happy as can be to be rid of me. Hearing the contrary made me relieved.

[lemoncello]

I actually spent a lot of time alone. 4 1/2 years since my last relationship before I met this guy, to be exact.

 

I don't think it's wrong to be happy to know that someone you gave your all to has been upset over your breakup. As the dumpee, and as someone who lost a lot (financially, emotionally) in the relationship, it was an immense relief to know that. It made me feel so much better, because I always seem to hear people say "Oh, he wanted to break up with you long ago so he's probably over you already." I had spent the entire week of NC wondering if he was just running around, free as a bird and happy as can be to be rid of me. Hearing the contrary made me relieved.

 

I think once you accept that the relationship is finished, how he feels or what he does with his time away from you, won't matter to you anymore.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I think once you accept that the relationship is finished, how he feels or what he does with his time away from you, won't matter to you anymore.

 

That's where the self esteem issues come in. I'm always going to wonder why I wasn't "good enough", especially if I find out he left me for someone else.

[joseb]

I don't think it's wrong to be happy to know that someone you gave your all to has been upset over your breakup. As the dumpee, and as someone who lost a lot (financially, emotionally) in the relationship, it was an immense relief to know that. It made me feel so much better

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree

I've been on both sides (Dumper/Dumpee) and I derive no pleasure from knowing that someone I used to care about is in pain.

[Familia]

That's where the self esteem issues come in. I'm always going to wonder why I wasn't "good enough", especially if I find out he left me for someone else.

 

 

Babe he probably left for someone he thinks is going to replace you, never happens

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I guess we will have to agree to disagree

I've been on both sides (Dumper/Dumpee) and I derive no pleasure from knowing that someone I used to care about is in pain.

 

Oh, no no no. I don't mean I want him to be in pain, just that he hasn't totally forgotten about me. Was just saying that the fact he had mentioned that he was upset too made me feel a little better, since I had thought the opposite. But I don't want him to be exceedingly upset or anything. I'm not that cruel.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Hi everyone...

 

It has been a really rough day for me today. Going on day 10 of the breakup. Some days are easy and some I feel I've taken four steps back. I'm wondering if there is anyone who can give me some insight into what has been bothering me.

 

It relates to what was in my original post about him getting back in touch with his ex. She was absolutely terrible to him and he always talked about how much he hated her, made fun of her, etc. I asked him to delete her from his phone and Facebook because she was causing so many problems for us and I didn't want her or her best friend knowing our business.

 

It really made him angry that I asked him to do it, but he did it anyway. I didn't make a habit of asking him to do these things, but I had also asked him to delete a girl from our town (his ex lived thousands of miles away) who was trying to get him to cheat and she has a fiancé. I found that disrespectful to her relationship and ours. Once again, he got angry.

 

I don't really think it was as much about them as it was he didn't like being told what to do. He's very stubborn; probably the most stubborn man I've ever met.

 

It breaks my heart that he has added her and the other two girls back, pretty much right after we broke up. it feels like a dagger through the heart. I never betrayed him like she did. To clarify: they were together for three years when she and her family pressured him to marry her. He didn't want to do it, but he did. He was unhappy with their relationship and was up here while she made arrangements to move here. During that time, she cheated on him multiple times and came clean. He sent her divorce papers, which she wouldn't sign for six months, during which time she made our lives hell... which was when I asked him to delete her and the best friend.

 

So can anyone tell me what his reasons for adding her back may be? Perhaps they aren't even really talking and he did it to sort of feel like he got that control back since I had asked him to delete her? Is it possible that I was such a terrible girlfriend that he wants to reconcile with her? Did he possibly do it because he knew I would see that? She is engaged now to someone else, as is the third girl who tried to break us up.

 

He won't even talk to me, but will reach out to someone who broke his heart. It's devastating to me.

 

I'm really hurt over this and am wondering if someone could give me some perspective.