affair with older woman and now shes pregnant

[mk123]

i hope that everyone here can listen to my story and give me some advice on how i should move forward as im pretty confused right now.

 

im 20 years old and about half a year ago i registered on a dating webiste to see whats out there. i started browsing around, looking at profiles and came across a profile of an older woman who was 42 at the time. i thought she was hot but also knew it was innapropriate to message her because i probably wouldnt approach her in person. the next day i noticed that i received a "like" on my profile, so i sign on to see who it was and it was the same woman whos profile i looked at the previous night. i wanted to mention that i also received responses from girls my age who i messaged but when i saw this "like" from the older woman i felt a rush and in the moment i decided to message her and ask "is 20 too young?" she replied, we messaged back and fourth through the website and then she gave me her number...we started texting and sending pictures and the next day in the morning she asked me if i wanted to come over that evening since we lived in the same area (within 5 miles). i came over and we had sex (friday), it was probably the most amazing sex i ever had but this isnt the point. i ended up comming over the next night (saturday) also and that night she told me that i didnt need to wear a condom, obviously me being stupid and not thinking i began having sex with her without a condom, multiple times that night and i slept over so more sex in the morning (sunday). we continued to chat but her responses became more sporadic (she would reply like once every 15 - 30 mins, as before she would reply immediatly) i didnt think much of it but then she ended up telling me that shes married and her husband is back in town so she cant always be on her phone, i wasnt surprised but continued to want to see her and i would sneak over to her house sometimes during the day when her husband was at work. over the past 2 months we kinda stoped seeing eachother and only texting on the weekend, fast forward to today she told me that shes pregnant and she thinks it could be mine, or her husbands. i really dont know what to think and im here on the forum seeing if someone can give me some advice

[MissBee]

Well, hopefully you learn from this. Don't have unprotected sex with women you don't really know. Apart from disease, you can impregnate them.

 

She was also incredibly foolish.

 

That aside: not much you can do. Ask her if she plans on getting a paternity test? Since she is married I imagine she might just carry on as though it is her husband's baby and not ever get the paternity tested, so find out from her if she plans on finding out. Prenatal paternity tests tend to be quite pricey though, up to $1000. Do you want to find out?

[veryhappy]

At least you can use your age as an excuse, and she also didn't quite tell you she was married. Next time ask about contraception or simply be more committed to condoms.

 

 

From what I read on the topic, a baby from a marriage is considered product of the marriage until proven otherwise. So stay cool, let her have the baby and see an attorney. You may want to establish paternity after the baby is born. You know, the baby could look just like her husband or just like you and that would be an easy giveaway about who the father is.

 

 

 

 

For now, I suggest you let her be if she plans to stay married and pretend the baby is her husband's. It may be wise to keep all communication with her and log the times you are talking or something like that. Really, some legal advice will make a world of difference.

 

 

If it's yours, congratulations and be an involved father!

[Sassy Girl]

Sounds like you got duped.

 

Which woman in their right mind who doesn't want to get pregnant allows unprotected sex with a stranger. I suspect she wanted to get pregnant at all costs. Enter: you.

 

20 years old? Damn! That's a tough lesson to learn at your age. Though why she told you about it is beyond me. I doubt at 20 you could provide for her and her baby the way her husband does.

 

One of my closest make friends had a whoopsie baby with someone he was only casual with many years ago. At the time, his mother convinced him it was Ok to walk away, pay his child support but not take an active role in the baby's life. He walked away without ever missing a single child support payment. 8 years later he had woken up to what he had done and wanted to know his son. $30,000, 6later in private investigation and solicitors fees and 6 years down the track he still has no access to his child. His biggest ever regret was walking away.

 

Don't let that be your retreat. I know you think you are too young now to be a parent but your views may change. Protect yourself against that.

 

And furthermore, that baby has a right to know his/her paternity. It's a basic right. No need to protect the cheater. I suspect she's played you both. Protect you and your potential unborn child. Establish paternity one way or he other

 

And FFS use condoms!

Edited May 25, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[mk123]

so to answer some questions

 

while at the house i saw some pictures of what im assuming is her husband and in a strange way we kinda look the same? same eye and hair color, were actually all the same nationality

 

i felt like we had a real connection, being the same nationality / speaking the same mother language...this might sound wierd to some of you here but she was very accepting? almost motherly to me and it wasnt just all sex we spoke alot and i feel there is something between us. i know it was stupid to have sex with her without a condom but it felt right? maybe im just confused about this entire situation

 

ive spoken more to her today and she doesnt want necessarily want anything from me, not that theres anything that i can actually give her. this would be her second child, her first is a daughter my age who is away at school / living on her own. im not going to fight for paternity, im not going to try to destroy her marriage, i dont think that right or makes any sense. theres a strong possibility that its mine and its very surreal

[CarrieT]

salmost motherly to me and it wasnt just all sex we spoke alot and i feel there is something between us. i know it was stupid to have sex with her without a condom but it felt right? maybe im just confused about this entire situation

Part of that is being 20 years old and inexperienced. You are learning a hard lesson and - hopefully - won't repeat the actions with women you meet in the future.

 

 

ive spoken more to her today and she doesnt want necessarily want anything from me, not that theres anything that i can actually give her.

But the question might be - if you have a child out there, wouldn't you want to know? And possibly be a part of that child's life?

 

im not going to fight for paternity, im not going to try to destroy her marriage, i dont think that right or makes any sense. theres a strong possibility that its mine and its very surreal

The child has a right to know its parentage; especially as it grows up and might need to know for medical background reasons.

 

Also, you won't be destroying her marriage; she did that when she invited you into her bed. If she is pregnant, you have to discount her marriage entirely and think only of the child.

[Sassy Girl]

so to answer some questions

 

while at the house i saw some pictures of what im assuming is her husband and in a strange way we kinda look the same? same eye and hair color, were actually all the same nationality

 

i felt like we had a real connection, being the same nationality / speaking the same mother language...this might sound wierd to some of you here but she was very accepting? almost motherly to me and it wasnt just all sex we spoke alot and i feel there is something between us. i know it was stupid to have sex with her without a condom but it felt right? maybe im just confused about this entire situation

 

ive spoken more to her today and she doesnt want necessarily want anything from me, not that theres anything that i can actually give her. this would be her second child, her first is a daughter my age who is away at school / living on her own. im not going to fight for paternity, im not going to try to destroy her marriage, i dont think that right or makes any sense. theres a strong possibility that its mine and its very surreal

 

 

You totally got played. Not nice, but it is what it is... of course she doesn't want anything form you now - she has what she wanted all along. Call me cynical, but 20 years between children and she chooses a lover that looks like her husband, same nationality AND tells you to lose the condoms... yeah... set up.

 

 

Don't worry - you'll get angry one day. By then it will be too late.

[whichwayisup]

so to answer some questions

 

while at the house i saw some pictures of what im assuming is her husband and in a strange way we kinda look the same? same eye and hair color, were actually all the same nationality

 

i felt like we had a real connection, being the same nationality / speaking the same mother language...this might sound wierd to some of you here but she was very accepting? almost motherly to me and it wasnt just all sex we spoke alot and i feel there is something between us. i know it was stupid to have sex with her without a condom but it felt right? maybe im just confused about this entire situation

 

ive spoken more to her today and she doesnt want necessarily want anything from me, not that theres anything that i can actually give her. this would be her second child, her first is a daughter my age who is away at school / living on her own. im not going to fight for paternity, im not going to try to destroy her marriage, i dont think that right or makes any sense. theres a strong possibility that its mine and its very surreal

 

Do you think that you're the only other guy she's had sex with? She's on a dating site and cheating on her husband, who knows how many others she's been with. Get yourself to your Dr and get an STD test done.

 

Always no glove, no love. Protect yourself.

 

You do not know this woman at all, this could be a trap to get money out of you, maybe her husband is in on it too, who knows!

[loveboid]

I would demand a paternity test for when the child is born.

 

You have a slim chance that she'll still miscarry, up to 20% probability, or that she's carrying her husband's child. It's possible she had unprotected sex with him afterward to help cover her story, if her intent indeed was to get pregnant by you and have her husband raise the kid.

[veryhappy]

To her defense, she was 42. She's not supposed to be fertile anymore and the message out there is loud and clear that fertility drops rapidly and maybe she just assumed she wasn't. I would believe that before her having some convoluted scheme to get pregnant.

[Babs22]

To her defense, she was 42. She's not supposed to be fertile anymore and the message out there is loud and clear that fertility drops rapidly and maybe she just assumed she wasn't. I would believe that before her having some convoluted scheme to get pregnant.

 

???? Huh?????

She's 42 and not supposed to be fertile anymore? People in their 40s get pregnant all the time. It might not be as easy as when you are 29 but it certainly happens. My mom was 43 when she had me and 45 when she had my sister. I'm 50 and have not hit menopaus yet. My husband and I have used condoms all through my 40s so we wouldn't have an oops baby. Most women at 40 or 42 could definitely still get pregnant and we know it. She knew what she was doing. Why she would want to have a baby again when her first born is 20, I don't know. Crazy I guess.

[Trimmer]

To her defense, she was 42. She's not supposed to be fertile anymore and the message out there is loud and clear that fertility drops rapidly and maybe she just assumed she wasn't. I would believe that before her having some convoluted scheme to get pregnant.

 

"Assuming" is a birth control method ranked somewhere below the withdrawal technique in effectiveness.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

To her defense, she was 42. She's not supposed to be fertile anymore and the message out there is loud and clear that fertility drops rapidly and maybe she just assumed she wasn't. I would believe that before her having some convoluted scheme to get pregnant.

 

There are women in their 20's smarter than this. Regardless if she could get pregnant or not, the fact she requested a stranger who is the same age as her daughter, to have unprotected sex with her is very disturbing. Like STD's don't exist

 

And unless I missed it, the OP never said the woman was distraught or devastated by this news...in fact she sounds kind of content...

 

OP, you are a 20 year old man and in this day and age you really should know better about unprotected sex, you had sense to bring condoms with you the first time. Do not ever let a woman convince you to go in raw. You didn't do anything you didn't want to do...if this child is yours, you need to man up. I understand not wanting to distrub her family unit but what you aren't realizing is she already distrubed it long ago...this isn't her first rodeo.

[anika99]

???? Huh?????

She's 42 and not supposed to be fertile anymore? People in their 40s get pregnant all the time. It might not be as easy as when you are 29 but it certainly happens. My mom was 43 when she had me and 45 when she had my sister. I'm 50 and have not hit menopaus yet. My husband and I have used condoms all through my 40s so we wouldn't have an oops baby. Most women at 40 or 42 could definitely still get pregnant and we know it. She knew what she was doing. Why she would want to have a baby again when her first born is 20, I don't know. Crazy I guess.

 

 

Yep, my best friend had her last baby at the age of 43 as did my grandmother. I got pregnant at 42 but had a miscarriage. It's true that fertility drops in the forties but most women are not infertile in their forties and pregnancy at this stage of life is common. I don't think it's crazy to have a baby when your first is 20yrs old though. I think it's rather common for women to get baby fever when their kids are grown. It didn't happen to me, I never wanted a baby in middle age, but a lot of women do.

[Lois_Griffin]

Damn. That song by Heart, "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" is now stuck in my head.

[veryhappy]

Yep, my best friend had her last baby at the age of 43 as did my grandmother. I got pregnant at 42 but had a miscarriage. It's true that fertility drops in the forties but most women are not infertile in their forties and pregnancy at this stage of life is common. I don't think it's crazy to have a baby when your first is 20yrs old though. I think it's rather common for women to get baby fever when their kids are grown. It didn't happen to me, I never wanted a baby in middle age, but a lot of women do.

 

 

Common to be pregnant in the 40s? Is this a lifetime movie or what?

 

 

 

 

Everybody needs to read some statistics on fertility over 40 especially without treatments. Just because you know somebody who got pregnant and carried to term doesn't mean it is common.

 

 

People just love drama. 50% of pregnancies (that means half) are unplanned. Half of all pregnancies happen without intention and planning. That's real life. Was she reckless? Yes. Was she conniving? I don't see it.

[awkward]

I didn't realize it was uncommon. I was 40 when I had my second child. My first child was 20 at that time. At ,43 I would still be using birth control if I hadn't had my tubes tied.

 

I think you were set up OP. Get a paternity test.

 

Eta: we were not trying to conceive.