Lie about virginity?

[Brapting]

I just wanted to know if anyone could offer any advice.

 

I am kind of realizing that I have huge mental issues around my virginity. I am literally terrified about talking about my relationship/sexual history, because it is basically non existent. I struggle to socialize with my peers...or with anyone that could potentially bring the topic of conversation up (i.e. sex and relationships) because I literally have nothing to talk about.

 

The thing is...I am not stupid. I know the reality of the situation...I am male, 27, haven't had a wiff of any kind of relationship in nearly 10 years. I have never had sex. This reality defines who I am to some degree and I hate this. I am savvy enough to know how shameful it is and I hate it. I don't want this...I never wanted this, but it is part of who I am whether I like it or not.

 

I kind of know what the answer is. Deep down I know it doesn't and shouldn't make a difference. That any woman...or person that thinks it is an issue, is not worth my time. But the reality is, being honest about it will bring so much ridicule, gossip and rejection (particularly from women) that I don't think I would be able to cope. I can barely approach people as it is...let alone knowing that for every 100 people that I approach, 99 will discard and typecast me because of preconceived attitudes towards male virgins. How could I ever hope to remain strong an upbeat in the face of that?

 

I have decided that I need some kind of narrative because I will never put myself out there and socialize unless I am prepared. I hate lying, but I am starting to think that in some circumstances, it might be worth fabricating things and having a back story...be pragmatic about it.

 

At the least, I need some sort of plan.

 

It would be great to hear people's views because I am really struggling with this.

[barcode88]

Go see a 300 dollar escort, just check some reviews beforehand (they have websites for this believe it or not)

 

It'll help boost your confidence and you'll know what sex is like.

 

After this you just need to better yourself and be confident. You won't have your virgin stigma weighing you down

[Satu]

I don't think that you being a virgin is the problem.

 

The problem is how you see yourself.

[lollipopspot]

But the reality is, being honest about it will bring so much ridicule, gossip and rejection (particularly from women) that I don't think I would be able to cope. I can barely approach people as it is...

 

This is your real problem, not lack of sex.

 

No, there won't be ridicule, gossip, and rejection if people find out you're a virgin. They'll just go on with their own lives. You are WAY too self conscious. That's your issue.

 

Have you tried counseling or otherwise working on yourself? Immersing yourself in hobbies that might include others, where you stop focusing on your discomfort? What will turn people away from you is your extreme fear of other people, and awkwardness around them.

 

As far as sex, you don't need to tell anyone your sexual history. If someone asks, just say that's something you're private about.

 

Edit: I do NOT recommend seeing an escort. You don't need to exploit someone else's body to feel good about your own. Also, that will be a deal breaker for many women.

[Brapting]

I have thought about it.

 

It would be a pretty depressing first time though and it certainly wouldn't be something to tell women about. Surely I would have to lie about that in all future encounters? Perhaps its a US - UK thing. Prostitution is shunned pretty hardcore in the UK and in terms of how good I would feel about myself...I am not sure that going from a male virgin to a guy who uses prostitutes is much of an advancement! Kind of feels like I would be going backwards.

 

Ideally I would like to lose it with someone that I connect with and intend to be with long term. I don't particularly want to be some player and I don't want sex for the sake of sex. That isn't what I am going for. I just don't want the virgin label and the attitudes towards it.

[smackie9]

So the million dollar question is, why are you still a virgin? You've had a good 10 to 12 years to getting 'er done. Be honest....what was holding you back? Don't be blaming the ladies because I know fat ugly guys that had np getting laid before they were adults.

[Brapting]

Go see a 300 dollar escort, just check some reviews beforehand (they have websites for this believe it or not)

 

It'll help boost your confidence and you'll know what sex is like.

 

After this you just need to better yourself and be confident. You won't have your virgin stigma weighing you down

 

I have thought about it.

 

It would be a pretty depressing first time though and it certainly wouldn't be something to tell women about. Surely I would have to lie about that in all future encounters? Perhaps its a US - UK thing. Prostitution is shunned pretty hardcore in the UK and in terms of how good I would feel about myself...I am not sure that going from a male virgin to a guy who uses prostitutes is much of an advancement! Kind of feels like I would be going backwards.

 

Ideally I would like to lose it with someone that I connect with and intend to be with long term. I don't particularly want to be some player and I don't want sex for the sake of sex. That isn't what I am going for. I just don't want the virgin label and the attitudes towards it.

[El Pallasso]

Call a reputable escort. She will give you some decent experience.

[Brapting]

So the million dollar question is, why are you still a virgin? You've had a good 10 to 12 years to getting 'er done. Be honest....what was holding you back? Don't be blaming the ladies because I know fat ugly guys that had np getting laid before they were adults.

 

I don't know really. I had bad acne from about 13 yo onwards. Still a bit of an issue now. This knocked my confidence quite a bit. My first proper girlfriend was around 18 (so maybe a bit late). She was very religious and innocent and flat out said that she didn't want to have sex until she was ready. I dutifully agreed and stayed with her for a year. We did a few things (sexually) but the relationship ended in very bad circumstances and I never really recovered. 3 days after the relationship ended, I went off to university (moved out) and I just never really dealt with it. I am not the sort of person that discusses that kind of stuff...relationships, women and sex...with anyone...not family, not my friends (I have never had those kind of friends).

 

After a while, I guess I had kind of written off my chances a little bit. I don't (and have never lived in a big city) and I wouldn't know where to start.

[Sunyata]

I hear you. I was a virgin until I was a month past 28. Luckily from 28 - 29 1/2 I had a lot of sex with one person, then got dumped. I haven't had sex since we broke up five months ago. I feel much more confident about dating, even though it's still really hard and I still consider myself inexperienced since my ex-girlfriend was kind of a bore in bed. But realizing I can be desirable just makes me realize how much of the problem was, and continues to be, my conception of myself and of women.

[AVarma]

I hear you. I was a virgin until I was a month past 28. Luckily from 28 - 29 1/2 I had a lot of sex with one person, then got dumped. I haven't had sex since we broke up five months ago. I feel much more confident about dating, even though it's still really hard and I still consider myself inexperienced since my ex-girlfriend was kind of a bore in bed. But realizing I can be desirable just makes me realize how much of the problem was, and continues to be, my conception of myself and of women.

 

Did your girlfriend know that she took your virginity?

[Sunyata]

Did your girlfriend know that she took your virginity?

 

Yeah. As soon as it happened she joked about me not being a virgin anymore.

[Brapting]

Yeah. As soon as it happened she joked about me not being a virgin anymore.

 

When did you tell her?

 

Were you dating her for a while first? Did you wait until it was about to happen or did you tell her up front?

[jen1447]

Brapting, do you get any dates?

 

No one really needs to know your sexual status except possibly the person who you have sex with. If that's a good-hearted person - and they do exist - it won't be a big deal.

[Sunyata]

When did you tell her?

 

Were you dating her for a while first? Did you wait until it was about to happen or did you tell her up front?

 

We met on an online dating site, moderately long-distance (6 hours). I probably told her on the 4th or 5th Skype date and if I recall correctly she felt compassion about it. We started meeting in person a month after we met online. I have a traumatic past which probably helped not just make me seem like some guy who couldn't get laid. She had her own trauma too.

 

I still have a ways to go. The relationship failed for a reason, and some of it was on my coldness and the thick hostility and contempt that swirled within me from all those years being alone. But really, isolation is due to how we think about ourselves. I think there is usually an unjustified sense of pride or superiority in those who refuse to simply go out and connect to others. But I feel like my ideas are all over the place now so I'll stop.

[Brapting]

Brapting, do you get any dates?

 

No one really needs to know your sexual status except possibly the person who you have sex with. If that's a good-hearted person - and they do exist - it won't be a big deal.

 

Nope. My one and only girlfriend pursued me.

 

That's about it. I wouldn't really know where to begin really with dating and that kind of thing.

[Brapting]

We met on an online dating site, moderately long-distance (6 hours). I probably told her on the 4th or 5th Skype date and if I recall correctly she felt compassion about it. We started meeting in person a month after we met online. I have a traumatic past which probably helped not just make me seem like some guy who couldn't get laid. She had her own trauma too.

 

I still have a ways to go. The relationship failed for a reason, and some of it was on my coldness and the thick hostility and contempt that swirled within me from all those years being alone. But really, isolation is due to how we think about ourselves. I think there is usually an unjustified sense of pride or superiority in those who refuse to simply go out and connect to others. But I feel like my ideas are all over the place now so I'll stop.

 

That makes sense.

 

For me it doesn't feel like pride or superiority. If I am honest it is probably a little bit of laziness...but only in sense of the anxiety, the feeling of being permanently self conscious and fearful about what people my perceive of me. The possibility of embarrassment, humiliation and rejection. The inability to deal with and manage it...the lack of internal resources. It is exhausting and extremely stressful for me I have gone through periods of forcing myself to socialize, but having never actually broke through...found a partner...a stable group of friends and hobbies...I regress each time. It is extremely disheartening and very recently I guess I gave up hope a bit.

 

Its more sadness and disappointment than anger at society/people. Most of the time I just feel like I would rather avoid it.

[preraph]

There is never any reason to discuss how many people you have or have not had sex with. Don't tell people you're a virgin! And don't ask someone their number. It's intrusive and irrelevant.

[Sunyata]

There is never any reason to discuss how many people you have or have not had sex with. Don't tell people you're a virgin! And don't ask someone their number. It's intrusive and irrelevant.

 

I would say ideally you'll find a girl who you know will be accepting of it. It's a lot of pressure, especially in the late 20's, to simply "fake it" when a woman's naked body is in front of you. And most girls would be able to tell. Even though I've had sex with only one person, I expect with the next girl she will be able to tell I'm not very experienced or comfortable yet.

[lollipopspot]

And most girls would be able to tell.

 

You know what? She won't be able to tell, unless you give it away. There are plenty of guys who are "experienced" who are lousy lovers. That comes from being selfish and insensitive to the needs of their partner. If you check in with her and ask her to guide you to what she likes, she'll probably think you have some experience and are sensitive to your partner.

[ascendotum]

There is never any reason to discuss how many people you have or have not had sex with. Don't tell people you're a virgin! And don't ask someone their number. It's intrusive and irrelevant.

That's easier said than done for guys like the OP. For me with girls/gfs it usually them that like to talk about it as part of the getting to know you stage. Its not like just avoiding a talk about how many people you slept with is also going to stop the woman from asking about how long he's been single, what he used to do on valentines days or at xmas with his gfs, or what restaurants he used to go to with his gfs, or what rock concerts he went to with his gfs or how did his friends get on with his gfs, most embarrassing moment with a gf...and so on.

 

He has no gf history, then the assumption is he slept around and/or has issues with getting into a relationship or he has zero girl history which could well weird her out. (the former might be better than the later imo) He can be evasive but then she is going to assume he is hiding something and see that as a red flag. Getting laid will be easier.

[Lansing]

I would work on building your confidence in general and not worry about the sex thing.

 

Yu don't need to jump right into sex when dating a girl. Things can progress along naturally. Don't be so quick to just have sex so you aren't a "virgin" anymore.

[Brapting]

That's easier said than done for guys like the OP. For me with girls/gfs it usually them that like to talk about it as part of the getting to know you stage. Its not like just avoiding a talk about how many people you slept with is also going to stop the woman from asking about how long he's been single, what he used to do on valentines days or at xmas with his gfs, or what restaurants he used to go to with his gfs, or what rock concerts he went to with his gfs or how did his friends get on with his gfs, most embarrassing moment with a gf...and so on.

 

He has no gf history, then the assumption is he slept around and/or has issues with getting into a relationship or he has zero girl history which could well weird her out. (the former might be better than the later imo) He can be evasive but then she is going to assume he is hiding something and see that as a red flag.

 

And this gets to the crux of my question. I don't have anything to talk about when it comes to relationships or anything like that. I can 'stretch' it as far as I can (for example, "I wasn't looking for a relationship" etc) but there is only so far that I can stretch it and I would rather just tell the truth.

 

Are you saying that I am a "write off" then? That it is better to be in a relationship because not being in one looks weird?

[Satu]

5 steps to mental health:

 

Connect – connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.

 

Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Take a walk, go cycling or play a game of football. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.

 

Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure out how to fix your bike?

 

Give to others – even the smallest act can count, whether it's a smile, a thank you or a kind word. Larger acts, such as volunteering at your local community centre, can improve your mental wellbeing and help you build new social networks.

 

Be mindful – be more aware of the present moment, including your feelings and thoughts, your body and the world around you. Some people call this awareness "mindfulness", and it can positively change the way you feel about life and how you approach challenges.

 

Source here.

[barcode88]

Go see a 300 dollar escort, just check some reviews beforehand (they have websites for this believe it or not)

 

It'll help boost your confidence and you'll know what sex is like.

 

After this you just need to better yourself and be confident. You won't have your virgin stigma weighing you down

 

I have thought about it.

 

It would be a pretty depressing first time though and it certainly wouldn't be something to tell women about. Surely I would have to lie about that in all future encounters? Perhaps its a US - UK thing. Prostitution is shunned pretty hardcore in the UK and in terms of how good I would feel about myself...I am not sure that going from a male virgin to a guy who uses prostitutes is much of an advancement! Kind of feels like I would be going backwards.

 

Ideally I would like to lose it with someone that I connect with and intend to be with long term. I don't particularly want to be some player and I don't want sex for the sake of sex. That isn't what I am going for. I just don't want the virgin label and the attitudes towards it.

 

 

Just lie about it and say it was a one night stand if it comes up otherwise just don't mention your sex life. The visit is about you experiencing sex to get over your virgin stigma. There's no shame in visiting an escort if you don't make it a habit. Not all guys are natural born studs and take some time to learn the ropes.

 

Consider it a learning experience.