Lie about virginity?

[dyna85]

I wouldn't worry about it too much, OP. The right woman will understand.

[ZA Dater]

The right woman will understand.

 

If I had a dollar for every time I read "the right woman"....

 

My advice don't lie, don't go and see some cheap escort I couldn't think of anything worse and more degrading.

[Brapting]

If I had a dollar for every time I read "the right woman"....

 

My advice don't lie, don't go and see some cheap escort I couldn't think of anything worse and more degrading.

 

No, I don't think I am going to do that. I want to feel better about myself, not worse. That's not for me.

 

You know I have only told one person about this face to face before. He was my best friend from uni. We had taken a lot of drugs and he asked me about my last relationship. I tried to dodge it and say "I don't really want to talk about it", but he kept pressing me. I just blurted it out.

 

He was very upset and angry with me and basically said that I had lied to him for years by suggesting that I had had sex. He basically said that it was not normal. I did say "what difference does it make?", but I could tell that he looked at me differently. Our friendship basically tanked after that, even though we had been good mates.

 

I think the whole thing knocked me quite a bit. I stopped taking drugs after that and I haven't spoke to him for a long time. Considering how hard it was to be honest and talk about it...this wasn't a very good experience and it was kind of traumatic.

[ZA Dater]

No, I don't think I am going to do that. I want to feel better about myself, not worse. That's not for me.

 

You know I have only told one person about this face to face before. He was my best friend from uni. We had taken a lot of drugs and he asked me about my last relationship. I tried to dodge it and say "I don't really want to talk about it", but he kept pressing me. I just blurted it out.

 

He was very upset and angry with me and basically said that I had lied to him for years by suggesting that I had had sex. He basically said that it was not normal. I did say "what difference does it make?", but I could tell that he looked at me differently. Our friendship basically tanked after that, even though we had been good mates.

 

I think the whole thing knocked me quite a bit. I stopped taking drugs after that and I haven't spoke to him for a long time. Considering how hard it was to be honest and talk about it...this wasn't a very good experience and it was kind of traumatic.

 

Drugs are a poor idea, avoid them.

 

I have precisely two friends, one is the same age of and much like me, though I suspect he has done thing with chicks while he was in Thailand. The other is married and he just knows I haven't done anything, I have known him for 14 years and in that time I have had no girlfriends so I he pretty much worked that one out!

 

Look at 31 this bothers me quite a lot and it did get to a stage where being single and sooo lonely began to impact on other aspects of life, I became hugely snappy towards people and I realised I needed to bring things back in line. For a while I did consider an escort but just couldn't see the value in it at all.

 

My advice is try and keep you mind focussed on other things.

[ascendotum]

I wouldn't worry about it too much, OP. The right woman will understand.

lol. Yes that 'right girl' is always the one to save the hard luck guys. Whats her name? Well that right girl might be 1 in 20 and that easy going girl needs to be single and she needs to be someone the OP fancies and she needs to give him some signs she's interested, if they somehow cross paths. The right girl for the OP is the one he fancies and flirts with and hopes it leads somewhere. Unfortunately the cuter the girl the more options she has and the more likely she can be judgmental and have a low threshold red flag list.

 

Avoiding any past or being vague will help to get him laid but it wont be so easy to avoid any talk of past gfs or hookups if she becomes his gf. Still if things subsequently tank, he will have got laid, and had some gf history (very short but still experience that can be stretched out more lol). If the hooker is nixed then hanging out where drunk girls hang out is not a bad idea, but chatting them up will be hard if the OP has not overcome his confidence issues. With me experience boosted confidence, so it can be a bit of a catch 22.

 

OP - bizarre how your uni friend faded out after you told him the truth. Like wtf difference did it make one way or the other to him or your interactions. Its like you confessed to having done sex sessions with your mom or that you had aids and shared a drink once.

Edited May 25, 2015 by ascendotum

[Brapting]

it can be a bit of a catch 22.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth! That is exactly what I was thinking.

 

I don't want to make any excuses, but I find that so much of the situation I find myself in is 'catch 22'. To go out and make new friends, to be accepted...to even hold a conversation, you need some sort of back story...something to talk about. It is almost unacceptable to say..."I have no friends...so I wanted to go out and make some". This is seen as weird and not too great for establishing common ground with those people who already have a group of friends and contacts.

 

The same seems to apply for relationships. Personally, I do not see anything wrong with saying (or implying) "I have not had a recent girlfriend...or much experience...this is me going out to get that!"...but for some reason, this is unacceptable.

 

Like I said, its almost as if it is worth having a girlfriend for the sake of it. So you have 'some history' to back yourself up. I find that weird!

 

What happened to giving someone a chance? Its almost like saying "if your failing...you've failed...there is no coming back, if you are succeeding...you will continue to succeed".

 

No wonder people lie about it.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Brapting

[jen1447]

lol. Yes that 'right girl' is always the one to save the hard luck guys. Whats her name? Well that right girl might be 1 in 20 and that easy going girl needs to be single and she needs to be someone the OP fancies and she needs to give him some signs she's interested, if they somehow cross paths. The right girl for the OP is the one he fancies and flirts with and hopes it leads somewhere. Unfortunately the cuter the girl the more options she has and the more likely she can be judgmental and have a low threshold red flag list.

 

I don't think anyone ever said finding "the right one" is easy, or guaranteed. Same issue for everybody.

[Brapting]

I do just want to say thank you to everyone that has posted on this though.

 

It hard to explain how difficult it is to talk about this sort of stuff...even anonymously on a forum. It means a lot that people would bother to give their honest opinions.

 

To tell the truth, I had had to deal with some stuff in the past what with the drugs. My only girlfriend was also quite abusive and I only really admitted this recently.

 

I understand that I have problems with my self esteem and how I see myself...I think I always have done.

 

Thanks again.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Nope. My one and only girlfriend pursued me.

 

That's about it. I wouldn't really know where to begin really with dating and that kind of thing.

pursued you as in she approached you first?

[ascendotum]

Dude you have had a gf, so you have history. If the relationship was for less then a year, then talk about it like it was 3 yrs. Past gf = assumption you had sex. I think seeing a hooker a couple of times will be good idea, so that assumption sticks with any new girl, and you don't look like a nervous fumbling beginner. You have drug history, so use that as a 'troubled past', that screwed you up for a while and somewhat accounts for a number of yrs being single and loss of friends. The drug background/trauma can also allow you to be a bit avoidant in discussing the past, because of the bad memories and now you want to just look forward to a bright future. Some girls might be wary, but I think more will be okay with that than telling them you had bad self confidence and are a virgin still. (just my opinion anyway). The more confident you can be the more girls will take you at face value.

[Brapting]

pursued you as in she approached you first?

 

Yeah...I knew her a little. But she basically began talking to me loads and pretty quickly told me that she liked me. I thought about it for a couple of days and asked if she wanted to get together...she said yes. We were at college at the time.

[lollipopspot]

You have drug history, so use that as a 'troubled past', that screwed you up for a while and somewhat accounts for a number of yrs being single and loss of friends. The drug background/trauma can also allow you to be a bit avoidant in discussing the past, because of the bad memories and now you want to just look forward to a bright future. Some girls might be wary, but I think more will be okay with that than telling them you had bad self confidence and are a virgin still.

 

I don't think he needs to outline his sexual history, but going the other direction - implying the lurid past with drugs - is a lot worse to me than admitting virginity. I'd rather be with the inexperienced guy than the guy who implied he had possibly unethical or seedy drug fueled sexual experiences. Seeing a prostitute now is such a bad idea to me. A lot of women aren't going to view that well (so he may be setting himself up to lie), and using a woman is no way to go about getting a quality woman. OP, I recommend you only have sex with people who are into you sexually, not who are being paid or forced by a pimp to service you.

[AVarma]

The consensus on Loveshack is don't lie about it but don't bring it up either. Some users disagree and say you should tell her but in general the majority of LS users think telling is not necessary. So there you go. Just stay quiet about it and do your thing!

[misspond]

The consensus on Loveshack is don't lie about it but don't bring it up either. Some users disagree and say you should tell her but in general the majority of LS users think telling is not necessary. So there you go. Just stay quiet about it and do your thing!

 

Yep. No-one needs to know this stuff and you to try and make sure that you don't let it eat at you. Good luck out there

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yeah...I knew her a little. But she basically began talking to me loads and pretty quickly told me that she liked me. I thought about it for a couple of days and asked if she wanted to get together...she said yes. We were at college at the time.

 

Interesting to hear that

[AVarma]

Yep. No-one needs to know this stuff and you to try and make sure that you don't let it eat at you. Good luck out there

 

I guess being a virgin at an older age causes men to overthink things. Another part is popular culture which portrays losing your virginity as this huge milestone. Hence all questions about whether to reveal or not to reveal. The best thing to do is to just stay quiet, have sex, and open up a bottle of champagne with yourself afterwards to celebrate.

[oldshirt]

I've never had a woman ask me if I was virgin or not. My wife is the only one who asked how many women I've been with. I never gave her an answer.

 

No-one really cares except you.

[ascendotum]

The consensus on Loveshack is don't lie about it but don't bring it up either. Some users disagree and say you should tell her but in general the majority of LS users think telling is not necessary. So there you go. Just stay quiet about it and do your thing!

 

I don't think some people get the full dilemma here tor these older virgins. Avoiding discussion about how many people they have slept with or if they are a virgin is just half the battle. They can say they would rather not say when they get asked about how many, but it looks weird when he refuses to talk about when he first lost his virginity, and many new gfs are going to ask that. Quite a few new gfs who are young & chatty and want to know him better are also going to ask him about his past romantic life (doesn't even have to be about sex). Its going to look weird when she asks these older virgin guys about their exes and their past romances and they say 'I'd rather not talk about it, the past is the past, don't go there' or something similar.

 

If like a lot of virgin guys they have not dealt with their low self esteem, anxiousness or how they present themselves, there are not going to be that many good opportunities that cross their path each year, so the opportunity cost of having it go belly up is high, and increases each yr as they get older & less single girls near their age and parties to go to. They need to come up with a strategy to deal with girls quizzing them, and push their past lack of success to the back of their mind (which will be hard) and consider themselves a new person with positive outlook, and to really help with that they needed to have improved mentally and/or physically from the past. At least in the OP's case he has had a gf so he can leverage off that for past gf experience and the assumption he had sex with her. I still think he should see a hooker (dont mention it tho) and fudge some of his past to fill in the blanks. Hey most girls want a guy that lots of other girls want and don't like guys that differ too much from the norm. Look its up to him to do what he considers in his best interest.

[ascendotum]

the virgins don't even know where to stick a dick lol

IDK , there's a ton a free porn vids out there to learn with. They are better off than a virgin pre www era

[ZA Dater]

I don't think some people get the full dilemma here tor these older virgins. Avoiding discussion about how many people they have slept with or if they are a virgin is just half the battle. They can say they would rather not say when they get asked about how many, but it looks weird when he refuses to talk about when he first lost his virginity, and many new gfs are going to ask that. Quite a few new gfs who are young & chatty and want to know him better are also going to ask him about his past romantic life (doesn't even have to be about sex). Its going to look weird when she asks these older virgin guys about their exes and their past romances and they say 'I'd rather not talk about it, the past is the past, don't go there' or something similar.

 

If like a lot of virgin guys they have not dealt with their low self esteem, anxiousness or how they present themselves, there are not going to be that many good opportunities that cross their path each year, so the opportunity cost of having it go belly up is high, and increases each yr as they get older & less single girls near their age and parties to go to. They need to come up with a strategy to deal with girls quizzing them, and push their past lack of success to the back of their mind (which will be hard) and consider themselves a new person with positive outlook, and to really help with that they needed to have improved mentally and/or physically from the past. At least in the OP's case he has had a gf so he can leverage off that for past gf experience and the assumption he had sex with her. I still think he should see a hooker (dont mention it tho) and fudge some of his past to fill in the blanks. Hey most girls want a guy that lots of other girls want and don't like guys that differ too much from the norm. Look its up to him to do what he considers in his best interest.

 

I agree with all of this bar the see a hooker part of it.

 

Myself people are starting to look at my strangely when I never had a girl around me, never bring one to events and don't indulge in "guy talk". Its true to say dating opportunities themselves have dropped off hugely for me (am 31) and opportunities in general have dropped off hugely to the extent I haven't been on a date this year.

 

People do want to know about the past and when you cant recount a past its basically a massive instant red flag, more because of the conformist society we live in and the conformist way that says each guy should have had a gf by the age of 31 or at the least had sex.

 

Overcoming this is, in my opinion almost impossible. You can lie all you want but people pick up experience or they don't, some would say it shows itself in social awkwardness but I don't believe that to be so. I believe there is some unwritten code that guys like myself simply do not know and females just pick this up and its an instant " no not interested", no matter how nice the actual date is.

 

As for a strategy the only one should be honesty.

[jen1447]

Yep. A good rule of thumb is to always assume that people are smarter than you think they are. That'll keep you from getting burned thinking "they don't have a clue" when really yes they do.

 

Your identity doesn't have to be 'The Virgin John Smith,' but if you go around acting like something you're obvs not, people will know you're full of sh*t. So if you're never seen with women, acting like you're Cassanova will not resound with anyone who has any sense and they'll just think you're a somewhat pitiable small time con. That's actually worse than being a virgin who owns it.

[ZA Dater]

Yep. A good rule of thumb is to always assume that people are smarter than you think they are. That'll keep you from getting burned thinking "they don't have a clue" when really yes they do.

 

Your identity doesn't have to be 'The Virgin John Smith,' but if you go around acting like something you're obvs not, people will know you're full of sh*t. So if you're never seen with women, acting like you're Cassanova will not resound with anyone who has any sense and they'll just think you're a somewhat pitiable small time con. That's actually worse than being a virgin who owns it.

 

Well in my case I have only ever had a date twice for any sort of social event and people do wonder.

 

A case in point this past birthday everyone wanted to know where my gf was and why I didn't have one.

 

Close friend knows I have done nothing but his attempts to try and set me up with people have just been a disaster. Would I like to have sex, yes I would be only with someone I feel some affection towards.

[ZA Dater]

PS: Jen, for my own curiosity is that you in your avatar pic?

[ascendotum]

Yep. A good rule of thumb is to always assume that people are smarter than you think they are. That'll keep you from getting burned thinking "they don't have a clue" when really yes they do.

 

Your identity doesn't have to be 'The Virgin John Smith,' but if you go around acting like something you're obvs not, people will know you're full of sh*t. So if you're never seen with women, acting like you're Cassanova will not resound with anyone who has any sense and they'll just think you're a somewhat pitiable small time con. That's actually worse than being a virgin who owns it.

 

If he goes extreme and makes out like he's a ladies man then for sure as you say it will be unveiled. If he gets some experience with a hooker, then that wont show where he's been. If he fills in his history by padding it with another relationship then that is falling in between being the virgin and Cassanova (much closer to the first. Its still possible to backfire unless he clues up a few people close to him.

 

I get what you are saying but to me the only older virgin that can own it is one saving himself for marriage or is very fussy and waiting for his dream girl. As for pitiable, well when his good mate at uni found out he was a virgin he stopped talking to him. While he lied to his mate about sleeping with his ex, I really cant see such a minor deception which is inconsequential to their friendship was worth shunning him over, and it could well have been more over the stigma (who knows).

[ZA Dater]

If he goes extreme and makes out like he's a ladies man then for sure as you say it will be unveiled. If he gets some experience with a hooker, then that wont show where he's been. If he fills in his history by padding it with another relationship then that is falling in between being the virgin and Cassanova (much closer to the first. Its still possible to backfire unless he clues up a few people close to him.

 

I get what you are saying but to me the only older virgin that can own it is one saving himself for marriage or is very fussy and waiting for his dream girl. As for pitiable, well when his good mate at uni found out he was a virgin he stopped talking to him. While he lied to his mate about sleeping with his ex, I really cant see such a minor deception which is inconsequential to their friendship was worth shunning him over, and it could well have been more over the stigma (who knows).

 

The problem is how society perceives virgins, short of very religious people its always seen as an oddity and being that person its never a nice situation to be in because you are conscious that people are wondering why you haven't got a gf, cant do "guy talk".

 

My experience is the natural reaction is to shun and this especially true of female in the dating context, they can see inexperience and many wont want to teach at all because the question is asked why at 30 odd the guy hasn't had sex, no amount of explanation will ever be enough.

 

Unless you really find someone who doesn't think the way most of society thinks.