So messed up.

[66Charger]

Thats a good post. Get some rest, mentally and physically. There are always tomorrows until you pass. No one is scorning you. Just work on losing the anger. One day down, one more to go

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, tell me about people taking their spouses for granted. I never did. If there was anything he wanted to do, I went along with it. Amazing how being taken for granted often leads to discord when one gets tired of it, too. Right now I sound awful, but that's the cumulative effect of taking one for the team for sixteen years. Even after getting diagnosed with MS, do you think it would occur to him to get a vasectomy instead of expecting me to have my tubes tied? Two months after our son came along, back I went to get cut. God forbid HIS precious masculinity would take a hit. Did I ask him to consider a vasectomy? Of course not. He might not like me anymore. How could I live knowing he was unhappy with making a sacrifice for me? I wasn't worth that. I was just me.

 

I know I sound awful, but he isn't actually paying my bills; He is managing the finances. Different thing. Yes, he has income going toward bills he would have already whether I was with him or not. I have income coming in too, and it's going toward my bills as well, and covering them. I may not be at the same earning potential as I was, but now that we're not buying guns, BBQ grills, smokers, gourmet groceries, gas for a guzzler SUV for weekly road trips totaling hundreds of miles several times a month...it's enough to be finally making headway with the balances. And he is lucky at that, because I am not imposing unrealistic conditions on how much he can dedicate toward the bills like he did with me. He is seeing the true financial picture for the first time, as he should. He was happily letting me shoulder the stress of worrying about bills all those years, so yeah. I am enjoying him seeing the light.

 

Vindictiveness is not a flattering quality in anyone. And whoa, but hell hath no fury like a discussion forum scorned. But I AM trying to take all the advice in. I'm just being honest. I am sure he will be honest in his own way when we hit marriage counseling. I'm not looking forward to it, I guess, but he deserves his say.

 

There is a huge tendency on this particular subforum for women wayward spouses to take more hits than the men in terms of posters' replies. Many you received were harsh in terms of summing up situations in black and white two- or three-liners when life doesn't work like that.

 

I'm not going to pretend to know what it's like to have MS, but I have seen patients who rail at the gods above for taking away every single bit of their independence and, in some cases, their dignity. So as much as I can, I understand your feelings about being hit with this terrible condition that affects every single freaking thing in your life.

 

As an aside, are you aware that there are experimental agents (particularly one) in phase 3 clinical trials which demonstrate actual REVERSAL of myelin damage? It actually REVERSES it. Doesn't just prevent relapses. There is hope for future treatments.

 

It seems clear from your side of the story that your husband didn't pull his weight for many years in your marriage. For example, it wasn't that you couldn't afford a house; just that he directed the finances to things he personally felt more affinity to. I say "your side of the story" because there are always 2 sides - and we are hearing just yours. And, there are ways you could have dealt with those behaviors during that time that may not have resulted in your sucking it up and building 16 years of resentment. And, may not have resulted in you having an affair.

 

Your having an affair is on YOU. There are no excuses for it or justifications; no matter what terrible things were happening in your life, there were other and better choices. You are currently in the 'entitled' mindset which is leading you to think that you are justified in missing your AP and being with your H basically for insurance purposes. That is NOT a place that will ever get you to any kind of reconciliation with your husband, who by the way really does seem to be trying.

 

So in that way, I totally get the hostile posts to this thread, but I also get that you have multiple moving parts in your life, you feel out of control, and you feel used and abused.

 

And those feelings are real and justified. BUT that mindset will never heal you - in one direction or another. Either you can let go of past issues related to your husband, or you can't. That will entail you admitting that your affair was not justified but was in fact a poor way of dealing with a series of negative events that happened in your life.

 

So the question is, do you want to repair your marriage and if so, can you let go of the resentment? That will take A LOT of work on your part, and it's YOUR work to do.

[ChaoticMess]

Hope Shimmers: You wrote: "As an aside, are you aware that there are experimental agents (particularly one) in phase 3 clinical trials which demonstrate actual REVERSAL of myelin damage? It actually REVERSES it. Doesn't just prevent relapses. There is hope for future treatments."

 

Thank you for telling me about this. I agree, it is very good to know that research continues and progress is being made. When I was diagnosed, there were three main drugs available, and the first one I tried worked for three years. Then, it didn't. I had resolved to not allow myself to feel defeated, ever. I took the meds available even though it meant I had to self-administer intramuscular injections to the thigh every week, and the severe side effects of flu symptoms that went with it. I felt grateful then because I knew that the drugs weren't available years ago and people just had to live with the decline. I took care of one of them when I was in high school, working my first job at a skilled nursing facility, and I knew next to nothing about it then. I felt sorry for her and did my best to make her comfortable, but she was bedridden and despondent most of the time. I thought about her a lot when I got diagnosed. My last treatment precludes additional meds such as the one you are telling me about for a period of five years. I am sure more information will come to light in that time.

 

Your user name is accurate and I thank you sincerely for your insight, and for catching that the money and the size of the house was never the issue. It was the misplaced priorities and willful blindness to the necessity of implementing some measures to give the kids their own privacy, all the while letting the kids do whatever they wanted with no consistent consequences for their actions. There was no structure there- just play time, all the time.

 

It led to me overreacting to the kids and trying to make up for his lack of resolve by instituting draconian responses I would have never thought rational in other circumstances. When I finally gave up on that and stepped back from discipline and left the discipline to him, I felt like at least I wouldn't be swimming upstream all the time. If he thought they were being disrespectful, I thought, "Let him handle it," since when I tried to, I got undermined all the time. After I removed myself from the equation, he started taking them to the gym with him. The boy got more involved with sports in school (and realized he was really a force to be reckoned with in track and soccer. Good for him!). The girl started going to work out classes and dropped some baby fat, started eating better, and quit sassing me so much.

 

The lack of privacy was still a concern to me, but they were starting to disengage from our power struggles and finding their own way. So this is probably the only way I can get over the anger is by acknowledging how he finally assumed more responsibility for the kids and their development. I will be seeing my counselor tomorrow and I will probably bring this up with her.

Edited May 28, 2015 by ChaoticMess

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope Shimmers: You wrote: "As an aside, are you aware that there are experimental agents (particularly one) in phase 3 clinical trials which demonstrate actual REVERSAL of myelin damage? It actually REVERSES it. Doesn't just prevent relapses. There is hope for future treatments."

 

Thank you for telling me about this. I agree, it is very good to know that research continues and progress is being made. When I was diagnosed, there were three main drugs available, and the first one I tried worked for three years. Then, it didn't.

 

Look up anti-LINGO-1. It's an antibody. Biogen is the lead, and the results are phase 2 but it's in phase 3 trials now and looking good.

 

So you have been taking the disease modifying agents. There are a lot more than 3 now (12 agents total FDA approved for MS as I'm sure you know). I hope you have had access to teriflunomide in the last couple of years.

 

I wish you the best with your MS treatment, but I hope you can hold some hope that better treatments are becoming available. I know it must be very hard.

 

I'm glad that you are seeing a counselor. You have a lot to sort through and overcome and I honestly hope that you can get there. It's a lot to deal with all at once.

[violet1]

Chaotic Mess,

 

 

I'm a WS and had a D Day over a year ago. My H and I are in R and doing well. Honestly, your posts are making me trigger a bit. I was you! Oh my goodness, I felt similar emotions as you do. I was so angry before my A. The anger and resentment continued to grow during my A. Then...my H started making changes and that only pissed me off even more. I remember thinking, why now? Why couldn't he do many years ago when I begged and begged. I do understand where you're coming from emotionally about your M. As far as your illness goes, I'm truly sorry for the pain and suffering it has caused you.

 

 

I think posting here and going to individual counseling is a great start. I'm also impressed on how well you are handling the harsher posts. The one thing I do strongly suggest is that you work hard on the anger and resentment in therapy. Continuous anger only damages your soul and eventually turns into hate. It got so bad with me that I became extremely hateful. I couldn't stand feeling that way. The resentment was literally destroying me as a person. I really had to dig deep inside myself to let go of the pain and take responsibility for my choices. I can see now that I could have done things differently years before my A too, not just my H. It also helps that my H also takes responsibility for his choices as well. We've been able to work through it together. Time changes your perspective.

 

 

I don't know if you can personally fall back in love with your H, but I know it happened for me. It just takes time and hard work. Again, you are taking some great first steps. I'm happy that things are getting better for you health wise. Just take one day at a time. I wish you the best on your journey to finding inner peace and happiness. I hope you continue to post.

[violet1]

Op you should ask for your thread to be moved to the OW/OM side so you can get sympathy. I don't get how some of these threads are in this section when the noire is what they really want. Nothing to see here. Move along. Let it burn.

I didn't take her posts that way at all. I think she's just trying to get it all of her chest. At least that's how I perceived it. There are two sides to every story and she's posting not her H. I think some posters are taking her posts too personal. She's not your WS.

[ChaoticMess]

... I hope you have had access to teriflunomide in the last couple of years....

 

I believe the brand name of that drug is Aubagio, and no, I did not take it. My neuro did put me on Gilenya, another oral drug, when I had to go off of Tysabri. I never had a relapse on Tysabri, but within two months of starting Gilenya, I had a relapse that caused me impaired speech and some cognitive deficits...it required three days of IV steroids, which put a stop to it briefly.

 

The next relapse came five months later, complete with balance issues, impaired speech, and other delightful symptoms. Two weeks later I went on the most recent DMD and it was administered over five days along with high dose Solumedrol. The relapse is finally on the way out thanks to the steroids and hopefully the DMD will prevent another recurrence as I work on healing up.

 

I would not be surprised if Aubagio and Gilenya were similar in chemical composition, both being oral drugs. I might have had similar results with Aubagio. This is why it is so good that researchers keep trying to hone different approaches because I swear MS evolves over time, and what might work for one person does little or no good in another.

 

Thank you for your responses. I may print this thread to share with my counselor tomorrow.

[Hope Shimmers]

I believe the brand name of that drug is Aubagio, and no, I did not take it. My neuro did put me on Gilenya, another oral drug, when I had to go off of Tysabri. I never had a relapse on Tysabri, but within two months of starting Gilenya, I had a relapse that caused me impaired speech and some cognitive deficits...it required three days of IV steroids, which put a stop to it briefly.

 

The next relapse came five months later, complete with balance issues, impaired speech, and other delightful symptoms. Two weeks later I went on the most recent DMD and it was administered over five days along with high dose Solumedrol. The relapse is finally on the way out thanks to the steroids and hopefully the DMD will prevent another recurrence as I work on healing up.

 

Yes, the brand name for teriflunomid is Aubagio.

 

Man... Tysabri is nasty hard stuff. I've seen that at work too many times.

 

Gilenya is fingolimod and it's completely different than Aubagio.

 

I don't know your situation obviously but I wish you the best. I know I am off topic, sorry! I am glad to hear that you are doing well now.

[ChaoticMess]

Chaotic Mess,

 

 

I'm a WS and had a D Day over a year ago. My H and I are in R and doing well. Honestly, your posts are making me trigger a bit. I was you! Oh my goodness, I felt similar emotions as you do. I was so angry before my A. The anger and resentment continued to grow during my A. Then...my H started making changes and that only pissed me off even more. I remember thinking, why now? Why couldn't he do many years ago when I begged and begged. I do understand where you're coming from emotionally about your M. As far as your illness goes, I'm truly sorry for the pain and suffering it has caused you.

 

 

I think posting here and going to individual counseling is a great start. I'm also impressed on how well you are handling the harsher posts. The one thing I do strongly suggest is that you work hard on the anger and resentment in therapy. Continuous anger only damages your soul and eventually turns into hate. It got so bad with me that I became extremely hateful. I couldn't stand feeling that way. The resentment was literally destroying me as a person. I really had to dig deep inside myself to let go of the pain and take responsibility for my choices. I can see now that I could have done things differently years before my A too, not just my H. It also helps that my H also takes responsibility for his choices as well. We've been able to work through it together. Time changes your perspective.

 

 

I don't know if you can personally fall back in love with your H, but I know it happened for me. It just takes time and hard work. Again, you are taking some great first steps. I'm happy that things are getting better for you health wise. Just take one day at a time. I wish you the best on your journey to finding inner peace and happiness. I hope you continue to post.

 

Thank you for your feedback, and it is heartening to know that the anger from witnessing the changes in my husband's behavior are due to a bittersweet feeling of loss. I felt like the whole time he was ignoring the problems with the kids, we were losing time to help them realize their potential. Add to that the growing sense that I would get sicker and nothing would change, and they would have lost the ability to realize the growth I wanted to see in them before they hit eighteen.

 

I think the reason I never really challenged the husband was because I grew up seeing the same patterns with my Mom and my Dad. The only thing that changed between my Mom and Dad was when my Mom decided to move herself and me and my sisters out of the house. My Dad was a very emotionally unstable and temperamental person, and he was completely focused on his own interests. We took a distant third in his world. It's old news now, and he's dead and gone, but when he was a seven-year-old kid, he found a pistol that my grandfather had taken in to repair and was playing with it with no supervision. Back then, gun safety was not a prevalent concept, and my grandfather had simply told him not to touch it and let it go at that. It resulted in my Dad shooting his little sister and killing her, unintentionally, of course.

 

The police got my Grandfather to come home from work, and my Grandfather blamed my Dad for "killing his little girl." My Grandmother was distraught and took to drinking. They sent my Dad to live with his alcoholic skirt-chasing uncle for a year to "protect my Dad from the stigma of the shooting." The uncle was violent and abusive and favored his biological son over my Dad in every instance. When my Dad returned home, his relationship with his Dad was never the same. I didn't find out about this family secret until I was sixteen myself, after a childhood of walking around on eggshells with my Dad and trying to be quiet all the time. He yelled at us all the time and frequently punished us physically for reasons known only to him. When my Dad told us what happened then, it all became clear. He had his moments when he tried to be a good Dad but his bad moments overshadowed them.

 

So I learned how keep my opinions to myself and how to please other people from my Mom. Who in her own way was incredibly intelligent and talented, but she sold herself short marrying my Dad. He hit her a fair bit during their marriage but she never let us see it it or know about it.She buried a lot of resentment over the years and I guess I learned to bottle that **** up from watching her. My husband had a huge temper and a fair amount of entitlement mentality of his own when we got together and I resolved to not do anything that would be justification for his temper. He never hit me or the kids though. So there's that.

[ChaoticMess]

Yes, the brand name for teriflunomid is Aubagio.

 

Man... Tysabri is nasty hard stuff. I've seen that at work too many times.

 

 

I loved Tysabri. It treated me very well and I had no side effects from it. It prevented relapses, and I felt as good coming out from infusions as I did going in. I really felt fortunate to have had it when I did.

[66Charger]

I didn't take her posts that way at all. I think she's just trying to get it all of her chest. At least that's how I perceived it. There are two sides to every story and she's posting not her H. I think some posters are taking her posts too personal. She's not your ws.

 

I do not have a WS nor am I one. Some may have strong opinions but it does not mean we hate the OP. Relax its a open forum.

[violet1]

I didn't take her posts that way at all. I think she's just trying to get it all of her chest. At least that's how I perceived it. There are two sides to every story and she's posting not her H. I think some posters are taking her posts too personal. She's not your ws.

 

I do not have a WS nor am I one. Some may have strong opinions but it does not mean we hate the OP. Relax its a open forum.

I'm completely relaxed. I've been on this forum for quite awhile and lurked a long time before I joined. I've seen it happen time after time. A post from a WS will often make a BS trigger. Sometimes the anger stemmed from their personal experiences gets projected onto the OP. I don't find it helpful to the WS who's posting. It goes the same for a BS. Sometimes their posts causes a WS or OW to trigger and lash out. I also don't find that approach helpful. I've been betrayed, but it was many moons ago when my H and I were living together before marriage. If I feel a WS is venting or trying to improve themselves, I will always try to defend them. I'm a very compassionate person. Almost too compassionate at times. I also feel a lot of compassion for the BS who's in pain, but I rarely post on their thread because I feel like they would be more comfortable hearing from another BS who can directly relate to them.

[merrmeade]

Thank you for your feedback, and it is heartening to know that the anger from witnessing the changes in my husband's behavior are due to a bittersweet feeling of loss. I felt like the whole time he was ignoring the problems with the kids, we were losing time to help them realize their potential. Add to that the growing sense that I would get sicker and nothing would change, and they would have lost the ability to realize the growth I wanted to see in them before they hit eighteen.

 

I think the reason I never really challenged the husband was because I grew up seeing the same patterns with my Mom and my Dad. The only thing that changed between my Mom and Dad was when my Mom decided to move herself and me and my sisters out of the house. My Dad was a very emotionally unstable and temperamental person, and he was completely focused on his own interests. We took a distant third in his world. It's old news now, and he's dead and gone, but when he was a seven-year-old kid, he found a pistol that my grandfather had taken in to repair and was playing with it with no supervision. Back then, gun safety was not a prevalent concept, and my grandfather had simply told him not to touch it and let it go at that. It resulted in my Dad shooting his little sister and killing her, unintentionally, of course.

 

The police got my Grandfather to come home from work, and my Grandfather blamed my Dad for "killing his little girl." My Grandmother was distraught and took to drinking. They sent my Dad to live with his alcoholic skirt-chasing uncle for a year to "protect my Dad from the stigma of the shooting." The uncle was violent and abusive and favored his biological son over my Dad in every instance. When my Dad returned home, his relationship with his Dad was never the same. I didn't find out about this family secret until I was sixteen myself, after a childhood of walking around on eggshells with my Dad and trying to be quiet all the time. He yelled at us all the time and frequently punished us physically for reasons known only to him. When my Dad told us what happened then, it all became clear. He had his moments when he tried to be a good Dad but his bad moments overshadowed them.

 

So I learned how keep my opinions to myself and how to please other people from my Mom. Who in her own way was incredibly intelligent and talented, but she sold herself short marrying my Dad. He hit her a fair bit during their marriage but she never let us see it it or know about it. She buried a lot of resentment over the years and I guess I learned to bottle that **** up from watching her. My husband had a huge temper and a fair amount of entitlement mentality of his own when we got together and I resolved to not do anything that would be justification for his temper. He never hit me or the kids though. So there's that.

So much pain. You said you're in IC, right? What you do with all this would benefit from professional one-on-one. Important.

[Just a Guy]

Hi CM, I have read all the posts on your thread including yours and I have to say I am sorry you got trashed for expressing yourself on this sub forum. What I see is a person crying out for help and not one who is venting and abusing her husband. Of course your posts come across that way but then I guess one has to see the underlying issues and the pain and suffering that someone is undergoing. At any rate I think what some of the more sympathetic and positively inclined posters have had to say about your situation is very relevant and something that you should take to heart. Hope Shimmers is one and Violet another.

 

You know that you can effect a sea change in the way you feel and see things if only you were to control the way your mind works. If you change your attitude towards the events that have befallen you then you will release your self from the negative effects these are having on you. Events happen but it is in the way we react to them that determines our state of mind and how feel about ourselves and the people around us. If someone says something hurtful to you then you can react in a negative way and feel hurt which is what that persons intention was. However if you refuse to feel hurt then the comment or deed will not impact you in a negative way and you will carry on regardless with a cheerful frame of mind without showing the other person any effects of his/her words/actions which were meant to put you down. I say this because you have held many of your husband's actions and deeds over the years, in your mind, till they created a pressure which your mind was incapable of holding in. The result was that you reacted by having an affair to hurt your husband and to get your back on him for all the perceived wrongs that he had dished out to you over the years. It also led you to find a place for your self so that you were able to get away from him and thus convey to him your complete disgust of the way he had treated you. Unfortunately fate stepped in and you became so sick that you had to fall back on the security that he provided because you could not sustain the effort to hold down a job and pay for the new place that you found for yourself. Fortunately for you your actions had the desired effect on your husband and he realized what he was about to lose and he asked you for another chance.

 

What I want to say is that if you had not bottled in all the negative feelings in your mind and maintained a cheerful disposition for your own self, then you probably would not have ended up having an affair which whether you admit it or not created a lot of guilt within you. The fact is that you are a decent person and doing something like this was completely against your character. The resultant guilt combined with all the negative feelings roiling in your mind set off your MS symptoms in a big way and you had a massive relapse. Remember that the mind(Brain) is a very powerful organ of your body. It controls just about everything from your feelings to your desire to eat, feel pain, the functioning of your body, the emotions of love, hate anger etc. It certainly affects the state of your health including disorders of the physical body or even of the mind itself. It therefore becomes imperative for us to exercise control of the way we wish to react to external stimuli in order to maintain a balance of both good physical health and mental health. I guess I have rambled on a lot on this topic but I do hope you have got the gist of what I am trying to say. You have to let go of your negative feelings and emotions and open your mind to loving your husband all over again. Then only will you begin to recover both your physical health and your mental health and start being happy again. I would suggest that you try meditation to regain some semblance of peace and happiness and go on from there. Cheers.

[sammy7111]

Sorry for your health problems but nothing you have said should have justified your cheating. Does your husband know about your cheating. You ever think his manning up foe you because he feels he can't leave you alone like this. Because made he was happier that you was gone. And if the other guy was all that why isn't he taking care of you.