Another Text Message

[Sammy1974]

Hi. I wrote about this previously regarding my husband texting with his female coworker. So, yesterday, Sunday, in the afternoon my husband and I had just returned from the supermarket and I was about to prepare dinner, when he gets this text from this female coworker saying: "Hey what are you doin?" My husband looks at it and then shows me. He then responds: "Shopping. You?" He then showed me his response. Then she writes back and says:" Drinking at Amanda's. Come over."

After reading that I became livid. I asked him "why is a 26 year old female who supposedly knows you are married, texting you at 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday so you can go have drinks at the friend's house? I don't understand that." At this point he wasn't angry yet, he told me "I'm not going am I?", and then texted back: "Can't. Have other plans." He also attached a smiley face to the end of that message. Her response was: "Hahahaha. No worries. Another time."

We argued terribly about this. I told him that I don't have a problem if he has friends and goes out, and I would like both of us to go out with these people. He told me he doesn't need a chaperone. My response was "why, do you need your private time with these friends of yours?" At that point he got so angry he had to leave the house for about an hour. He left his phone behind and told me "keep the phone. "I'm not doing anything. I am transparent as I can be." And then he left. He came back and we talked and he said that my lack of trust in him is destroying our relationship. He can't see it! He can't see that his actions are the ones that are destroying our relationship. Why respond to the text? Why continue this? And why explode when I said "private time?" According to him it was incredibly insulting because he told me: "I love you, do everything for you, and want a life with you. Nothing I do makes this better."

This morning we woke up and he said he needed some time alone and that he will be over at my parents' house for lunch later. (We had plans to have lunch at my parent's). I asked him what is he going to do all morning and he said he might go for a drive, a bike ride, that he just needs ot clear his head because I hurt his feelings and demeaned him last night with my accusations.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I want to trust him, I want to believe nothing is going on or will go on in the future. But I find it hard to believe that he does not see the inappropriateness of this woman. He told me I should trust his judgement and that if a situation becomes weird (to where the woman tries to make a move on him) he has the morality to walk out and say "no thanks, I'm married." Please help me on this.

Sammy

[TaraMaiden2]

It's simple: he's projecting this onto you.

Classic blame-shift.

 

You guys really could do with some intense Counselling.

[Sammy1974]

So, do you think there is something going on with this woman?

[TaraMaiden2]

I dunno.

Not physically maybe, but it's pushing his buttons enough to make him continue interacting with her.

 

Even if he does show you the texts, that's just another form of guilt-shifting.

 

"Look at this, it's all totally innocent, I'm even showing you what she's written. How can something be going on when I'm showing you her texts? You're paranoid."

 

Gaslighting.

 

How do you know where he's gone to clear his head and have time to think?

 

And what does he say to her, face to face at work, when he CAN'T show you what she says?

 

Sorry, in your shoes, I'd be quite a bit less passive.

[Sammy1974]

His response always is that I need to trust him. That without trust there is no relationship and that he trusts me completely and that I can go out with male coworkers because he knows that I will not make a bad decision. The thing is, I NEVER go out with male coworkers and have no male friends. If I want the company of a man, I have my husband. That is why I decided to marry him. Many people say, "Oh, its nothing. Men and women can be friends, blah,blah, blah. But I feel this text yesterday was intrusive. When I asked my husband "what is she thinking sending you a text like this? Doesn't she know you have a wife?". His response was "Of course she does, and so does everyone else at work. I have ring on and I talk about you all the time. I don't know what she's thinking. I can't control what other people do. I can only control how I respond. How I respond is, I don't go out for drinks this afternoon." That conversation happened before he blew up and left the house.

[TaraMaiden2]

If he's completely open , he will let you have her number so that YOU can talk to her.

[loveboid]

How come he didn't respond "no thanks, I'm married." instead of "Can't. Have other plans." That's what I want to know.

 

What he wrote implies to me that if he wasn't with you he might go. That's the message he gave her.

 

Could it help if you told him how it would make you feel if he slept with someone else? How gutted...instead of focusing on his behavior. Then maybe he won't feel you're attacking his integrity. That puts the consequences of his behavior square in front of him for him to care or not.

 

Trust but verify.

[Sammy1974]

He already know how I would feel if he slept with someone else. I did ask him why he didn't write "sorry I am having dinner with my wife". That is what I told him to write. He didn't. And then he said, "you know, if you were out shopping or working, and I had nothing else to do, why would it be bad for me to go hang out for a couple of hours and watch the game? It's with a group of people."

When I said "because it would bother me", then he started talking about trust again. That the only reason it would bother me is because I don't trust his judgments or his integrity.What do you think?

[Sammy1974]

What would I say to her though? I actually have her number too. My husband and I share a phone account and I can look up the account anytime to see who he communicates with. Right now, I am checking multiple times a day. So, I have her number. I got so angry yesterday I wanted to text her or call her and tell her off. But I didn't. Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't know:

What WOULD you say to a husband's female co-worker who texts him during the day to ask him out for drinks, when he's with his family, married and in all ways possible, not available?

 

It may be a good idea to not say anything.

It may be a good idea to let HER do the talking and explain herself....

[TaraMaiden2]

Call....

"Hello?"

 

"Hello, this is *Sammy1974, <Husband's> wife."

 

(Silence. )

 

"...Ok.... what can I do for you?"

 

"Well, I'd like to ask you why you feel it's appropriate to keep talking to my H and asking him out for drinks."

 

(Silence).

 

Then, let her deal with your question.

[sandylee1]

There could actually be nothing going on, but knowing you don't like her texting him should be enough for him to tell her to stop.

 

I don't understand how this young woman thinks her texting a married man like this is acceptable. Can he simply tell her that his wife isn't comfortable with it?

 

Your feelings should matter more and even if he's okay with a male coworker texting you, you don't find it okay.

 

Sometimes in these situations, in order to establish how reasonable I think I'm being, I ask my H to see what the general concensus on the subject would be. Either with our close group of couple friends or on an anonymous forum like this. At the end of the day though, it's how it makes YOU feel that is most important.

 

I don't feel that it's appropriate for a married man to hang out with a young female coworker and her friends. Would he really think it's okay for you to go and have drinks at a male coworkers house with a friend. What happens when the friend goes home? These situations can lead to inappropriate behaviour and married people should guard against them.

[Lois_Griffin]

I can only control how I respond. How I respond is, I don't go out for drinks this afternoon."

 

He sure talks out of both sides of his mouth. He told you himself that if you hadn't been there, he would have seen no problem at all in going over there to hang out. But then he claims that his response to the invite was to turn it down. He only turned it down because YOU weren't comfortable with it. He's such a hypocrite.

 

He seems to need to go out to 'get some air' a lot. That alone is more suspicious than anything else. So big deal if he left his phone at home the hour he was gone - he knows where this woman lives and where they were having drinks so he didn't need to take it with him. He probably showed up for an hour over there and came back home.

 

Same with his phony baloney story about needing to get out for a drive for a few hours in the morning "because you hurt him.' Good Lord. What a manipulative sneak but hey - it sounds real good and got him out of the house for a few hours. He's so transparent.

 

He's extremely arrogant, totally unsympathetic to your needs and fears, and sounds like a selfish assclown who just wants you to shut the hell up and let him do what he wants to do.

 

This woman is contacting your husband for a reason. There's probably a lot of communication between these two that you don't know about and he' probably encouraging her interest in him. You're focusing all your anger on her but the truth is, she got the impression from someone that it's ok to contact him and invite him out.

[Sammy1974]

And that is exactly the problem I have with him. If he knows that something is making me uncomfortable, then you, as my husband need to change it. If I wanted to "hang out" with a male coworker, which I have never done by the way, and my husband told me he doesn't like it, I wouldn't do it. Simple. Your spouse should be your priority. But he twists it around and says I am the priority and his defensive reaction has nothing to do with this one specific person, but rather with the bigger idea that I don't trust him and his judgements. I compeltely agree with you that for someone to be so bold as to text you, when they know you are married and probably with your spouse, you must have done or said something to let them know its OK. I have had many jobs, where I know, it would take very little from me to make a man text me or call me. But I never ever gave them the impression that it was OK. I know there have been men at my work that have been attracted to me but I didn't encourage it. I always went home to my husband not out for drinks or hanging out. I have female friends for that. He doesn't see it. No matter how hard I try to explain it to him, he doesn't get it. He still goes back to the issue that I don't trust him. And then I anticipate future problems with this. What if they get together again after work for a drink? He said to me that for now and in the future if he makes new friends, regardless of their gender, I will know who he goes with, where, and what times he's coming back. He says he wants no secrets between us. I just wonder if that is a cover for something. What do you think?

[loveboid]

When I said "because it would bother me", then he started talking about trust again. That the only reason it would bother me is because I don't trust his judgments or his integrity.What do you think?

 

At this point he should be saying instead he will earn your trust and show you by his actions his integrity. Have you said you need him to earn your trust?

 

Also he doesn't get to say what you think and feel.

 

It might be helpful to outline the parameters of your relationship. It sounds like you haven't had that conversation or he's backtracking and needs a reminder. For example, no lunches alone with opposite sex without telling the spouse first...so that either of you don't accidentally send the wrong message that you're no longer interested in the other.

 

How about a little flirting? "You know you're married, right? Not just a little, but all the way...." and then some suggestive touch. Get playfully possessive? "You're mine!" Men like to feel desired just like women.

[TaraMaiden2]

....He said to me that for now and in the future if he makes new friends, regardless of their gender, I will know who he goes with, where, and what times he's coming back. He says he wants no secrets between us. I just wonder if that is a cover for something. What do you think?

 

Frankly?

Yes.

 

And No.

 

He's trying to gain your trust by telling you everything will be out in the open, but frankly, it's really for his own convenience, not yours.

he's being open and honest on HIS terms, not yours. Honesty is one thing; transparency is another. He's trying to convince you he's the former, but he refuses to take it up a notch to the latter.

 

lovebold said:

 

...

How about a little flirting? "You know you're married, right? Not just a little, but all the way...." and then some suggestive touch. Get playfully possessive? "You're mine!" Men like to feel desired just like women.

 

I disagree with this advice.

This is playing games, pitting yourself into competition with another woman.

He will see right through it, and besides, you shouldn't HAVE to pit yourself against a woman who is both a threat and nothing to do with you.

She should also have nothing to do with HIM.

But he's not laying that one to rest.

By a process of elimination, that's one you'd lose.

 

In fact, as things stand, you are very much in a lose-lose situation.

Because no matter what you do or ask, whether he complies or not, this is damaging your relationship.

[loveboid]

This is playing games, pitting yourself into competition with another woman.

He will see right through it,

 

Yes, this is the point that he sees right through it. He should see right through it and play back with you.

 

If he cannot be brought around by fun then you need marriage books or counseling.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, this is the point that he sees right through it. He should see right through it and play back with you.

 

I don't disagree with you here, but I don't think it will have that particular desired effect....

 

If he cannot be brought around by fun then you need marriage books or counseling.

 

That's the problem.

I don't believe he WILL 'be brought round by fun'.

I think it will irritate and annoy him, and he will be pi$$ed that his wife is resorting to silly moves to get him to shift his focus of attention.

 

I think I already mentioned counselling to the OP.

 

I echo your sentiments here, too.

[Popsicle]

I personally think you are completely in the right.

 

He doesn't want to shut that door with the OW because he doesn't want to shut that door.

 

Let him blame your M deteriating on your "lack of trust".

 

He's an idiot. (Sorry)

[Sammy1974]

Hi. I know what the result of me calling this woman to confront her would be. If he found out that I contacted this person, (because I am assuming she would probably tell him), all hell would break loose. He would fight and argue with me, and then tell me that I became a "psycho wife" (he called me that recently regarding this situation), and he would tell me that our marriage is over.

[Popsicle]

Hi. I know what the result of me calling this woman to confront her would be. If he found out that I contacted this person, (because I am assuming she would probably tell him), all hell would break loose. He would fight and argue with me, and then tell me that I became a "psycho wife" (he called me that recently regarding this situation), and he would tell me that our marriage is over.

 

This is called gaslighting and it's done to keep you not get rid of you. he would not end the marriage.

 

If he did, it's cause he wanted out anyway so he could be with other women and be blameless.

 

He wouldn't end it though. Tell him he is free to leave or happily be more loyal.

[minimariah]

don't communicate with her - your husband is not a baby you need to police & correct, you have nothing to discuss with this woman. calling the other woman is always so humiliating... it's your HUSBAND you need to communicate with -- you won't gain anything if the other woman backs off - the problematic behavior of your husband that keeps making you uncomfortable won't disappear.

 

if i were you - i'd turn 180 & be clever about this. if you keep this up, he'll use your lack of trust as an excuse. so turn it all around and start trusting him while keeping your eyes opened at the same time. look, the truth is -- you can't stop him from cheating. the best you can do is try to improve your relationship and connection, sit tight, wait and see what happens. that's about it.

 

you probably caught something in very early stages which is very dangerous, because you can look paranoid & crazy to other people. but you felt something and he isn't reassuring you enough -- which leads us to another problem, he isn't putting your needs 1st.

 

listen... if my partner became upset over a co-worker? you best believe i'm never speaking with that co-worker again! i'm not about to upset my partner over someone irrelevant! instead of being transparent, he should've distanced himself from the woman and NOT talk to her again. when folks start with he - i can hang out with whoever i want, i need privacy, i need my own space, stop smothering me, blah blah... red flag. where there is love and devotion -- folks drop everything in order to reassure their partner because they can't stand to see their partner in doubt & anguish. your H isn't doing all of that & that would, personally, trouble me. like, why aren't you dropping everything and everyone in order to work on our relationship?

 

play stupid. seduce your H again, don't mention the co-worker again and do everything in your power to make your relationship with him as loving and passionate as it can possibly be. be always happy, loving, loveable and slowly insert yourself back in all aspects of his life. don't give him any space to create bogus excuses and put blame on you - be the BEST wife you can be.

 

she texted him on a family day because he gave her the impression that she can. as simple as that.

Edited May 25, 2015 by minimariah

[Sammy1974]

Do you think its possible that he is telling me the truth? That perhaps she is just friendly? Or am I being naive? He keeps telling me it has nothing to do with this specific person. But rather with the larger idea that I don't trust him and feel the need to control him. He told me he doesn't want to be a marriage where he has to watch who he talks to or hangs out with because his wife doesn't trust him. Over and over again he keeps telling me he would do absolutely nothing to put our marriage in jeopardy. But, isn't that exactly what he's doing?

[anna121]

I'm going to take a slightly different tack from your earlier thread and encourage you to rethink the dynamic where you describe your H as having no friends.

 

That is incredibly unhealthy for most people. And it may be why he is unwilling to give up his connection.

 

Why does he have "absolutely no friends" (your words)?

 

Would you be ok with him getting some?

[Sammy1974]

My husband has always been very antisocial and very insecure about himself. He always feels as though people are judging him and he has told me all of this. I believe he suffers from social anxiety. He grew up in our town, and he has not retained any friendships from high school or college. (He's 41 years old). He has tried to make male friends at other jobs he has had, but nothing ever seems to stick. Once I asked him why he prefers to be friends with women and he told me because "there is no competition". I never understood what he meant by that. In terms of me being OK with him having friends, I have always encouraged him to make friends. Early in the year some male teachers asked him to go play basketball with them in the morning and I told him he should do it for sure. He didn't do it because he said they play too early. I have asked him to join softball teams, reconnect with his college buddy, everything. What I don't get is why does he connect with women who have nothing in common with him (other than the work place)? He is 41, she is 26, living with her boyfriend of 8 years, and not attractive (all according to my husband of course). I would have no problem with him making "appropriate" friends. I even told him we can all hang out together, and if he meets other couples at his work, we could all go out to dinner, drinks, etc.