Another Text Message

[Lois_Griffin]

And his reasons are as follows: I should not feel the need to control him because he is an adult who can make good decisions and use good judgement. That he would never do anything to hurt our relationship. He feels that just as he doesn't police my actions because he trusts me 100% I should give him the same. I have tried to explain to him that if something bothers me you need to stop doing it as my husband, and he said that if it was something serious or hurtful he absolutely would. But he feels that a few texts exhanged during work hours with a colleague should not bother me. But then, why does the colleague text him on a Sunday asking him to hang out with her and her friends over drinks? I want so badly to believe him, but something just doesn't add up for me.

Your gut is screaming to you for a reason.

 

He wouldn't be the first guy who proclaimed his undying love for his wife while still 'innocently' texting some 26 year old bimbo.

[Sammy1974]

Thank you for all the responses to this issue I am having. I am really struggling here, because my husband and I have been good for a while now. In my original post I had mentioned that we have had our ups and downs. I can give everyone some insight regarding this situation and perhaps further understanding. As I mentioned before, my husband does not have any friends. The last time he had friends was in college, (his friends there were both male and female) and he is now 41. He has tried to form male friendships but they seem to fall through. I met my husband about 10 years ago when he was working in a park district before and after school care program. Again, worked with all women. I remember we had started dating and about once a month, they would all go out to lunch. Him and 4 other women. None of them were single, all were married, some had children. A few times he even went out to lunch with one of them by himself, some of those times she would bring her children. He had met her husband, and I knew all of these women also, since I also worked for the same park district. (I did not work directly with these women though). Again, he never hid it from me. I knew where he was, whom he was with, and what time he would be finished. However, I always felt that was kind of strange that he found things in common with a group of women. Back then I remember asking him, and his response was the same as it is now with this one: "I work with them, I have no other friends, its nice to socialize. I'm not doing anything." Back then he also had a couple of these womens' numbers in his phone.

I know he never cheated on me with any of them. Nothing was ever secretive, and I feel confident in saying that he never did anything but go out to lunch with them once in a while. However, at that time, when this was happening I felt a little strange about it. I remember we would argue about it quite a bit. I would ask him the same questions I ask him now about this female coworker. However, back then when my feelings were so strong, I am wondering if that is affecting my judgement now. I remember years ago, I was almost convinced that he was doing something with one of those women. (The one he would meet up with on occassion by himself, or with her children).

Can the past be affecting me right now? I talked to him about this last night and he said I can't be stuck in the past. He said to me that "I didn't do anything then, I'm not doing anything now". I asked him if he can continue to have his phone accessible to me, and to not delete any texts he receives or sends to this person, so if I want to, I can check them. He said he is fine with that because he has nothing to hide and is doing nothing wrong. But then he also said that at some point I need to trust him. He said he has never hid his phone from me, and I have always been able to check.

My questions are these: 1. Could it be that this is how he is? This is how he socializes since he has been like this since we met? 2. Is the past affecting how I react to this?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Gosh, I mean no disrespect but I find many of these posts encourage a dynamic that is extremely stifling and controlling, the guy seems to me like he's done practically everything he can to assure you he's trustworthy, he's assured you of his love, but in his position if a husband was trying to tell me who I can and can't speak to I would probably refuse to comply too. It's not about respecting you, OP, it's about respecting himself. You can't force him to live in a little box, if he wants to cheat then at some point he will cheat, none of this stress and anxiety and effort put into trying to prevent it will mean a thing.

 

It's normal in my culture (UK) to have friends of both genders, if you meet someone at work you hit it off with to socialise outside of work or become friends, which would include texting. As long as it's not constant streams of texts every day becoming more and more intimate, which would be worrying, you're doing the trust and bond within your marriage a huge disservice by acting like this. Every time you try and tell him what to do, unless he crosses a line into cheating or an affair, you are telling him that your decade of relationship means nothing wrt trust. I am a 27yr female and have many friends my age of both genders, and a loving relationship, but through my long term voluntary job I've made two awesome male friends in their forties with whom I have such a fulfilling friendship, with one of the guys we've been close for seven years and NEVER crossed a single boundary, nor would we, I spend time at his house with his wife of 25 years and their 12 year old boy is like a nephew to me, I am a friend of the family. With the second guy it's only been September since we met but again, 100% platonic, meet for coffee every few weeks and I've met his lovely partner and both of these friends have met mine. I'm not saying that this chick from work is a potential best friend I'm just saying that close platonic friendships can and do happen, and giving your partner freedom to choose who to socialise and communicate with, up until the point of cheating or there being feelings etc, is a wonderful freedom. He will cheat if he wants to so all you're doing is driving yourself crazy with jealousy.

 

It strikes me also that if this were a male trying to control a female and stalk her text history and read her messages and try ban her from texting a male workmate innocent messages we'd consider it red flag, emotionally abusive behaviour. This isn't cool, OP. You can't control him even though certain things make you anxious and worried. I highly recommend some individual therapy or couples counselling to look at the issues of trust in your relationship, it sounds like you love each other but this will erode away at that like a cancer. Either a person is trustworthy, or they're not. My partner and I trust one another, so friends of the opposite gender are fine and we have the privacy of never ever looking at each other's phones or anything weird like that. I know I could never cheat and I believe that he won't, but even if he did no amount of me policing him would prevent someone devious enough to hide their tracks.

 

People here are making out like he's on the verge of an affair, questioning where he went to cool off and even talking about you confronting the workmate: I find that very disturbing based on the info you have given us. I can't help but feel that you need to look within yourself at how to be calm and accepting in a relationship rather than put that energy into trying to control husband. Just my thoughts and do not mean to offend anyone in this thread with opposing opinions.

[Sammy1974]

I just checked the call record. I was home from work last night at 7:00 pm. Earlier in the day I had asked him to not delete any messages back and forth between himself and this coworker. He agreed he wouldn't delete messages. Last night, when I got home, I checked his phone. Three texts he had exchanged with her during the school day yesterday had been deleted. The texts I had sent him were also deleted. I asked him why he deleted all the texts and he said he deleted all of them prior to me asking him to keep them all.

So, this morning I check the call record online. He texted her last night at 6:07 pm. She never responded. It was just his one text to her at 6:07 pm. It had been deleted, even after I had asked him not to that. He knows I will see it on the call record.

Did he delete it because he didn't want an argument? Or did he delete it because it was inappropriate? If there was something going on why didn't she respond to him?

The bottom line is he told me he would keep all texts so I can see them if I want, and then he texted her and deleted it. I don't know anymore.

[eleve82]

Thank you for all the responses to this issue I am having. I am really struggling here, because my husband and I have been good for a while now. In my original post I had mentioned that we have had our ups and downs. I can give everyone some insight regarding this situation and perhaps further understanding. As I mentioned before, my husband does not have any friends. The last time he had friends was in college, (his friends there were both male and female) and he is now 41. He has tried to form male friendships but they seem to fall through. I met my husband about 10 years ago when he was working in a park district before and after school care program. Again, worked with all women. I remember we had started dating and about once a month, they would all go out to lunch. Him and 4 other women. None of them were single, all were married, some had children. A few times he even went out to lunch with one of them by himself, some of those times she would bring her children. He had met her husband, and I knew all of these women also, since I also worked for the same park district. (I did not work directly with these women though). Again, he never hid it from me. I knew where he was, whom he was with, and what time he would be finished. However, I always felt that was kind of strange that he found things in common with a group of women. Back then I remember asking him, and his response was the same as it is now with this one: "I work with them, I have no other friends, its nice to socialize. I'm not doing anything." Back then he also had a couple of these womens' numbers in his phone.

I know he never cheated on me with any of them. Nothing was ever secretive, and I feel confident in saying that he never did anything but go out to lunch with them once in a while. However, at that time, when this was happening I felt a little strange about it. I remember we would argue about it quite a bit. I would ask him the same questions I ask him now about this female coworker. However, back then when my feelings were so strong, I am wondering if that is affecting my judgement now. I remember years ago, I was almost convinced that he was doing something with one of those women. (The one he would meet up with on occassion by himself, or with her children).

Can the past be affecting me right now? I talked to him about this last night and he said I can't be stuck in the past. He said to me that "I didn't do anything then, I'm not doing anything now". I asked him if he can continue to have his phone accessible to me, and to not delete any texts he receives or sends to this person, so if I want to, I can check them. He said he is fine with that because he has nothing to hide and is doing nothing wrong. But then he also said that at some point I need to trust him. He said he has never hid his phone from me, and I have always been able to check.

My questions are these: 1. Could it be that this is how he is? This is how he socializes since he has been like this since we met? 2. Is the past affecting how I react to this?

 

 

I worked in finance before where 99% of my colleagues are male n I would have lunch with an entire team of men or with just one or two closer male colleagues almost daily. You cannot possibly be serious about making this an issue. Its irrational. If you would rather your husband be alone for lunch every day than socialize with his colleagues, I wonder if you truly care for his own personal happiness over your own insecurities.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I just checked the call record. I was home from work last night at 7:00 pm. Earlier in the day I had asked him to not delete any messages back and forth between himself and this coworker. He agreed he wouldn't delete messages. Last night, when I got home, I checked his phone. Three texts he had exchanged with her during the school day yesterday had been deleted. The texts I had sent him were also deleted. I asked him why he deleted all the texts and he said he deleted all of them prior to me asking him to keep them all.

So, this morning I check the call record online. He texted her last night at 6:07 pm. She never responded. It was just his one text to her at 6:07 pm. It had been deleted, even after I had asked him not to that. He knows I will see it on the call record.

Did he delete it because he didn't want an argument? Or did he delete it because it was inappropriate? If there was something going on why didn't she respond to him?

The bottom line is he told me he would keep all texts so I can see them if I want, and then he texted her and deleted it. I don't know anymore.

 

Look at the incredible amount of emotional energy and analysing and questioning going into this: can you see that this is not a healthy way to respond to this situation? Is there a part of you that knows this isn't good for you or the relationship?

 

Please seek some counselling or therapy... I can't imagine how you can be happy with this issue blown up into your mind, sounds like it's overtaking everything. If I were your husband eventually this would wear very thin.

 

You either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him then why are you still married to him?

[Sammy1974]

You are correct. And the answer is, no, I guess I don't trust him. Behavior breeds trust. His actions do not elicit trust from me. If he knows this bothers me, he knows I will see the call record, yet he continues to do what he wants. And the excuse is always "I don't want you to control me. Don't act like a psycho wife because I know I am not doing anything wrong."

No, I don't trust him. I am not even sure anything is going on at this time, but rather that he is setting the ground work for something to happen in the future. Being in education, he has the summer off. I don't. He will have plenty of time over the summer to indulge himself in whatever it is he is thinking about. But, I will say nothing. I will continue to monitor his behavior and the call logs. If this escalates I will simply ask him to move out and I will ask for a divorce. I will not even get into the whys at that point. I will not cause any further upsets for myself. I am clearly married to someone who pretends to be trustworthy, asks repeatedly for my trust, yet whose actions I feel are the exact opposite.

[Sammy1974]

Thank you very much for your response. I know that most respondents have validated my suspicions. It helps to hear the other side also. I want so badly to believe him and to trust him. It is killing me that this is happening right now. We had been doing so well until this point, until the text messaging started. And you are right in saying that if he wants to cheat, he will. That perhaps my actions will lead him to it even quicker. I spoke to his mom yesterday because when we had that fight on Sunday he went to his parents' house. His parents have been made aware that we were having a problem. Of course, she is his mother, but both his father and mother told me that he values our marriage tremendously, that he is an intelligent man who will not do anything to jeopardize things. What I have an issue is, doesn't he see that he is jeopardizing things with his behavior? Do you feel that if a man truly has ulterior motives or is dishonest, would he allow his wife access to phone records? Would he be this open with me? This is the internal conflict I am having. On one hand he is transparent, on the other hand I have my feelings. Then again, what about last night when he texted her and when I looked at his phone, it had been deleted?

[MM1234]

Thank you very much for your response. I know that most respondents have validated my suspicions. It helps to hear the other side also. I want so badly to believe him and to trust him. It is killing me that this is happening right now. We had been doing so well until this point, until the text messaging started. And you are right in saying that if he wants to cheat, he will. That perhaps my actions will lead him to it even quicker. I spoke to his mom yesterday because when we had that fight on Sunday he went to his parents' house. His parents have been made aware that we were having a problem. Of course, she is his mother, but both his father and mother told me that he values our marriage tremendously, that he is an intelligent man who will not do anything to jeopardize things. What I have an issue is, doesn't he see that he is jeopardizing things with his behavior? Do you feel that if a man truly has ulterior motives or is dishonest, would he allow his wife access to phone records? Would he be this open with me? This is the internal conflict I am having. On one hand he is transparent, on the other hand I have my feelings. Then again, what about last night when he texted her and when I looked at his phone, it had been deleted?

 

Sammy,

 

I have been following this thread & I can relate to your problem. In the beginning of our marriage, my husband had VERY loose boundaries when it came to female friends. Inappropriate things were said, sexual innuendos were prevalent, & I even found a sexting pic his baby mama sent him! Ummm, those aren't friends....those are emotional affairs at the very least! You let him tell it, he never asked for the pic & the sexual innuendos were all in my head or "jokes".

 

When I told him he needed to let these "female friends" go, he had the nerve to resist (& act like a rebellious teenager!!). Since me arguing with him, crying to him, & yelling at him didn't work - I did the 180 on him. I stopped worrying about his needs & took care of me. I did activities with our daughter & didn't include him. I separated my money from him. I lived my life as if he was not in it. Since he acts like he doesn't care, we'll see how much he cares when I disconnect completely.

 

The 180 worked on my DH. All of those female friends he couldn't let go of are all gone. Now he wants to read relationship books with me & work on our marriage. He is now being 100% transparent.

 

I showed him what life would be like without me....he didn't like it. I'm doing the work with my DH, but now I am left wondering if I have anything left for this marriage. The jury is still out on that one.

 

The point I am trying to make is that you should believe your husband's ACTIONS not words. Of course his parents are going to say he takes his marriage seriously, that's what he is telling them! His ACTIONS say he doesn't care about your feelings. Start doing the 180 on him, live your life as if he isn't in it. Show him what life is like without you, he won't like it one bit.

[Sammy1974]

That is exactly what I was thinking on doing. I have put way too much effort on this when clearly he doesn't care much about my feelings. Its not about me telling him who he can be friends with. Its about him respecting boundaries and it bothers him that I put those boundaries out there. Sure, he tells me "be friends with guys, go out for drinks. It doesn't bother me because I trust you." So, fine. Whether I actually do it or not, I will tell him just that. "Oh, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I am going out with So and So." I will see just how much it bothers him or not. Even though, my instincts are telling me, that it really would not bother him, because I don't feel he cares much to begin with. Maybe he would be relieved knowing he has more time for himself and any one else he might want to fool around with.

[miseenscene]

That is exactly what I was thinking on doing. I have put way too much effort on this when clearly he doesn't care much about my feelings. Its not about me telling him who he can be friends with. Its about him respecting boundaries and it bothers him that I put those boundaries out there. Sure, he tells me "be friends with guys, go out for drinks. It doesn't bother me because I trust you." So, fine. Whether I actually do it or not, I will tell him just that. "Oh, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I am going out with So and So." I will see just how much it bothers him or not. Even though, my instincts are telling me, that it really would not bother him, because I don't feel he cares much to begin with. Maybe he would be relieved knowing he has more time for himself and any one else he might want to fool around with.

 

I don't know what is going on with your husband, and I don't want to project, but I do want to chime in and say that like a poster a few responses back, I had a similar issue early in my marriage. My ex-husband always had very loose boundaries with female friends, many of whom he had had some kind of romantic or sexual history with. All the responses you are getting on this thread that point out how paranoid and irrational you are being -- that is the exact language he used to frame the situation like I was anxious and crazy and controlling. He even spun the issue that way in marital counseling, and was so "reasonable" about it that he got our therapist to agree with him that the issue was my insecurity and not his poor boundaries. Whoever called this gaslighting is absolutely right -- but the thing about gaslighting, it only works if you let it work on you. Your gut is telling you something about how reality is, and then you ask your husband to validate that reality, even though you don't trust him. Then when he refuses to validate it, that creates even more of a confusion inside you. Oh, and in my case, one of the reasons my marriage ended was his repeated infidelities -- emotional and sexual.

 

I think your plan is exactly right. You will have a chance to observe his actions without relying on his words. That will tell you the truth about the situation.

[MM1234]

That is exactly what I was thinking on doing. I have put way too much effort on this when clearly he doesn't care much about my feelings. Its not about me telling him who he can be friends with. Its about him respecting boundaries and it bothers him that I put those boundaries out there. Sure, he tells me "be friends with guys, go out for drinks. It doesn't bother me because I trust you." So, fine. Whether I actually do it or not, I will tell him just that. "Oh, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I am going out with So and So." I will see just how much it bothers him or not. Even though, my instincts are telling me, that it really would not bother him, because I don't feel he cares much to begin with. Maybe he would be relieved knowing he has more time for himself and any one else he might want to fool around with.

 

Oh believe me when I tell you....he will care. He knows you won't do the things he is doing, which is why he says all of that BS. Start the 180....he will first act like nothing bothers him, then he is going to try & act out. During all of that, stay the course with the 180. Don't argue with him or even let on that he got to you. He will care eventually...

[Sammy1974]

Thank you. I really hope this works. I am so exhausted feeling this way everyday. Anticipating what the day will bring.

[MM1234]

Thank you. I really hope this works. I am so exhausted feeling this way everyday. Anticipating what the day will bring.

 

The 180 never fails you. It teaches you to live a life outside your spouse. It prepares you for the worst. If the worst doesn't happen, good! But if the worst happens, you will already be prepared.

 

My DH is a straight up hard a$$. He prided himself in not allowing himself to get hurt. He boasted about that to me often. I tell you what, the 180 changed that! Now, it's MY husband saying he doesn't want a divorce. Now it's HIM saying he wants to read books & get our marriage right.

 

Trust me, your husband is going to care when he sees that you aren't playing with him. The 180 is tough, not just for the other spouse but for you too. But it can make a world of difference.

[sandylee1]

That is exactly what I was thinking on doing. I have put way too much effort on this when clearly he doesn't care much about my feelings. Its not about me telling him who he can be friends with. Its about him respecting boundaries and it bothers him that I put those boundaries out there. Sure, he tells me "be friends with guys, go out for drinks. It doesn't bother me because I trust you." So, fine. Whether I actually do it or not, I will tell him just that. "Oh, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I am going out with So and So." I will see just how much it bothers him or not. Even though, my instincts are telling me, that it really would not bother him, because I don't feel he cares much to begin with. Maybe he would be relieved knowing he has more time for himself and any one else he might want to fool around with.

 

I agree with MM. Go out more, even if it's with female friends. Have fun, enjoy what you do. Take up a hobby. Stop monitoring the phone or you'll go stir crazy.

 

It could be nothing, but I've heardof a WW who convinced her husband he was jealous and got him into therapy, when all along he was right. She told him he had the Othello syndrome, like she was innocent and all along she was having an affair.

 

Whether he's up to anything or not, a female colleague shouldn be asking him to hang out without inviting you along too.

 

180 - hard.

[Sammy1974]

Its interesting that today there have been no texts exhanged at all. In a previous post, I wrote that yesterday evening just before I got home from work he sent her one single text. I checked the phone last night and there was nothing else, as he had deleted it. The reason I know he texted her was because I saw it on the phone account online this morning. There was only one text to her. No response back to him from her. The curious thing is this: Last night when I looked through the phone, we argued about the texts again. I was sitting on the couch and he handed me his phone. (This was about one hour after he had texted her) and said to me: "Here. Here is my phone. Take it, hold it for as long as you want and you can be the first to see if a text message comes through.") I did just that, and of course, there was no text message that came through. So my question is this: I wonder what he texted to her last night, to where he would not re expecting a response. If he was expecting a response back from her, he would not have given me the phone to hold in case I saw her response. Thoughts?

[Minnie09]

He probably warned her and told her not to reply.

[SJS]

Another reason not to nag...you just blew any chance of finding anything through snooping.

[pondhawk]

In his letter to you he says:

"I trust you 100% and I ask the same of you.

Without trust relationships fail."

 

He's setting you up to be the bad guy. Look, he's either cheating or he is entertaining the idea. He likes the attention from this woman and probably telling her how unhappy his marriage is because his wife doesn't trust....oh poor me. *rolling eyes*

 

He's deleted his texts. There is absolutely nothing positive about this.

 

He hands his phone over to you and now there are no more texts.... Did he get a secret phone?

 

His defensiveness and anger are red flags. I hope he is not cheating on you. My ex cheated repeatedly on my and whenever I had a sick gut feeling, questioning him, I was met with screaming and anger. He also said he would never do anything to hurt me and jeopardize our marriage..... Liar. Do you know what the problem was? At that time I had no proof. It was so easy for him to smack his lips and say I was the crazy one, therefore deflecting the attention. Blame shifting.

 

Get proof but DON'T let him know you're getting it. Stop asking him questions and go undercover.

 

I installed a key logger on our computer. The computer I bought. It tracked everything he wrote. I got my proof BIG time. There are many things you can do like this.

 

Life is way too short. If he is cheating on you, do you really want to waste years, decades?? Do the 180 and start enjoying YOUR life. Don't do his laundry, don't make his lunches or dinners. When he eventually asks you what's wrong (and he will), tell him you want the both of you to go to counseling. Tell him that if he's not concerned that his wife is unhappy, then you're not too terribly concerned that he's not happy after 180.

 

Here's another thought: Tell your husband you would like the co-worker and her boyfriend to come over for dinner so that everyone can meet. That will clear up the fact right away whether: 1. She actually has a boyfriend. and 2. If she is really unattractive. Then you can monitor how he behaves around her.

 

Like I said, I really hope this isn't the case. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will say a prayer for you and your marriage.

[whenisitenough]

....

 

Almost everyone enjoys attention from the opposite sex......

married or not and perhaps he is guilty of not shutting that source of attention off decisively - but then again I'm sure we have been guilty of that at some points on our life and most of the times it is harmless. .....

 

Married for 20 years and I like attention from men but no different than the attention I like from women. In other words I made a commitment to my husband in mind and action. I am not looking for attention in a sexual way, my male friends/colleagues are like brothers.

[whenisitenough]

 

play stupid. seduce your H again, don't mention the co-worker again and do everything in your power to make your relationship with him as loving and passionate as it can possibly be. be always happy, loving, loveable and slowly insert yourself back in all aspects of his life. don't give him any space to create bogus excuses and put blame on you - be the BEST wife you can be.

 

she texted him on a family day because he gave her the impression that she can. as simple as that.

 

Minimariah,

What is the plan after this? If he continues texting despite the changed behavior in his wife , should she ignore the texts?

[whenisitenough]

Another reason not to nag...you just blew any chance of finding anything through snooping.

 

I understand where Sammy is coming from. It is a hard thing to do when you would rather be be honest.

[eleve82]

OP, if you genuinely believe that married people should have no privacy to the point where he needs to tell you everything he says to anyone on his phone, and a deleted message means he is guilty, why don't you just let him read this entire thread - every single word of it.

 

 

If there is even any part of you that would hesitate doing so, and you most certainly haven't done anything wrong, then you should at least see that everyone is entitled to private thoughts and conversations. You have an outlet- does he have one? Every single thing he does is being watched!

 

 

Please know that I don't condone cheating nor does anyone on this forum know if he is, but handing over his phone is a big deal. There are many people, including myself who would never go to that extent because I demand my right to have privacy. It doesn't mean I have ever cheated.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yeah, he probably sent a text telling her not to text him as you'd have his phone.

 

OR, he told her not to text but he'd be available on some other chat program that evening on his ipad or computer, perhaps?

 

Did he mention the one text to you that he deleted when he handed you the phone? Does he know you look at the cell bill and can see his activity? Just curious if he mentioned the one text or not.

[beach]

There are plenty of other apps that are free and won't show on the bill.