Another Text Message

[writergal]

Do you think its possible that he is telling me the truth?

 

No. He's not telling you the truth about his feelings for this 26-year old coworker. His actions (the gaslighting, the blameshifting, the projecting, the lying, the writing back a text opposite of what you asked him to write, the disappearing for hours without telling you where he's going) speak loudly that he's lying to you.

 

That perhaps she is just friendly? Or am I being naive? He keeps telling me it has nothing to do with this specific person. But rather with the larger idea that I don't trust him and feel the need to control him

.

 

She is a wanton flirt who doesn't care about the fact that her coworker is married to you.

 

The more your husband denies that something's going on, the more likely something IS going on with her. The more emphatically someone denies something, the more it turns out to actually be true.

 

We're just friends.

I would never cheat on you.

 

What married man goes over to a single 26 year old woman's home to hang out with her and her friends? That's not normal behavior for a married man.

 

His defense that you are policing him and don't trust him is just a smokescreen. Of COURSE you don't trust him. Look at what he's doing? He's openly flirting with his young coworker in front of his wife. When his wife tells him to stop, he throws a fit like a toddler, and storms out of the house for hours leaving his wife worried about where he's gone (who he's gone) to.

 

He told me he doesn't want to be a marriage where he has to watch who he talks to or hangs out with because his wife doesn't trust him.

 

Reread this part of the sentence, "doesn't want to be in a marriage." Your husband wants to be single again. He doesn't want to be married anymore. That's how it comes across to me. He wants to have fun with 20-something women like his 26-year old coworker and he doesn't want the responsibilities of a wife anymore.

 

For some reason, he isn't happy in his marriage with you. Who knows what that reason is. But this would be a good time to suggest marriage counseling to him because he's acting like an entitled, self-centered jerk.

 

Over and over again he keeps telling me he would do absolutely nothing to put our marriage in jeopardy. But, isn't that exactly what he's doing?

 

He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. He wants to throw you off balance, which is called "crazy making" which is a form of emotional abuse. He's trying to control you by telling you two contradicting statements so that you will doubt your own feelings and observations about his behavior, which so far are spot-on. You can clearly see what he's doing, and he doesn't like that, so he's going to try to throw you off balance and make you feel crazy so that he can emotionally control and manipulate you.

 

Do an internet search on "crazy making" behavior of spouses. There's tons of information out there. Your husband is playing mind games with you. One example comes to mind, is how he responded to that 26-year old woman's text invitation. You asked your husband to tell her that he had plans with you, his wife. Instead of respecting you, he wrote back to her that he had other plans and that was it. Total slap in the face to you. Real d*ck move on his part. That is one example of crazy-making behavior -- the way he handled the text message.

 

Another crazy-making behavior example would be his storming out of your house to "cool off." He does that to control you, by using your feelings of fear and anxiety about not knowing where he's going or what he's doing because he won't tell you. He likes to be in control.

[writergal]

My husband has always been very antisocial and very insecure about himself. He always feels as though people are judging him and he has told me all of this. I believe he suffers from social anxiety. He grew up in our town, and he has not retained any friendships from high school or college. (He's 41 years old). He has tried to make male friends at other jobs he has had, but nothing ever seems to stick. Once I asked him why he prefers to be friends with women and he told me because "there is no competition". I never understood what he meant by that. In terms of me being OK with him having friends, I have always encouraged him to make friends. Early in the year some male teachers asked him to go play basketball with them in the morning and I told him he should do it for sure. He didn't do it because he said they play too early. I have asked him to join softball teams, reconnect with his college buddy, everything. What I don't get is why does he connect with women who have nothing in common with him (other than the work place)? He is 41, she is 26, living with her boyfriend of 8 years, and not attractive (all according to my husband of course). I would have no problem with him making "appropriate" friends. I even told him we can all hang out together, and if he meets other couples at his work, we could all go out to dinner, drinks, etc.

 

His social awkwardness and refusal to make male friends doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he's fixated on this 26-year old woman who has a long-term boyfriend. Your husband's behavior where she's concerned is still inappropriate.

 

It's normal for couples to hang out together. It's very suspicious that he won't let that happen with you two and this 26 year old and her boyfriend.

[minimariah]

Do you think its possible that he is telling me the truth?

 

of course.

 

but i would advise you to let go of that specific situation & to focus on your relationship with your H. communicate with him but without accusatory tone and focus on you being supportive, reassuring him and making sure he knows he's your #1 & that you DO want him and that you'll work on your trust issues.

 

you're too focused on looking for someone to blame, too focused on "who is right and who is wrong" question. focus on the future and your relationship with him. do small things that will keep you more connected, that will wake up the passion... the intimacy, the closeness. do dates together, hang out with other people... other couples together.

 

give him his space and see what happens. don't look for how to blame, focus on how to progress and fix this situation.

 

her being friendly or not -- it doesn't matter, she doesn't matter and her behavior doesn't matter. you should be focused only on your H's feelings.

[Tread Carefully]

If it were me and it happened again, I would say this with a big fun smile on my face:

"That sounds like a lot of fun honey, let's go! What a great way to meet your friends!" Smile, smile, smile.

 

His response is what you watch. Counter all of his reasons not to go.

 

We just started dinner. (That can wait, maybe we'll order something in while we're there.)

 

I don't feel like it. (Oh, come on, it'll be fun! We haven't been out/to a party/ etc for awhile. You'll feel better when we get there, promise!)

 

The game/my show is on. (No worries, we'll dvr it!)

 

And then get your shoes on, grab your purse and head to the car. Don't listen to his words watch his actions.

 

Someone with no secrets would have no problem with you going too.

[Anderlie]

I'm probably going to get absolutely roasted for this but here goes:

 

Jebus christ woman loosen the leash a little!

 

If he's been invited to her house that she presumably shares with her boyfriend it's reasonable to assume that the boyfriend will be there along with the other people she said were there - not much opportunity for anything untoward. Perhaps he didn't want to bring you because you are the sort of woman that checks his phone every ten seconds, demanding answers for the most innocuous of text messages and would probably sit in the corner giving everyone the stink eye for daring to try and be friends with your husband.

 

You are spending an inordinate amount of time policing this man's every thought and action. If you don't trust him then just cut him loose and do both of you a favour. I couldn't imagine being in a marriage this suffocating.

[eleve82]

I'm probably going to get absolutely roasted for this but here goes:

 

Jebus christ woman loosen the leash a little!

 

If he's been invited to her house that she presumably shares with her boyfriend it's reasonable to assume that the boyfriend will be there along with the other people she said were there - not much opportunity for anything untoward. Perhaps he didn't want to bring you because you are the sort of woman that checks his phone every ten seconds, demanding answers for the most innocuous of text messages and would probably sit in the corner giving everyone the stink eye for daring to try and be friends with your husband.

 

You are spending an inordinate amount of time policing this man's every thought and action. If you don't trust him then just cut him loose and do both of you a favour. I couldn't imagine being in a marriage this suffocating.

 

 

I'm afraid I have to agree with Anderlie. Ive worked closely with guys in my company before who had partners but I only ever treated as a friend - asking a colleague to join a group out for drinks isn't necessarily a sign they are 'hiding anything'. Of course its annoying that he didn't just say he had plans with you - so I can see why it is upsetting and I would probably feel the same.

 

 

In all likelihood tightening the leash isn't going to help. Also demanding that you go out with him when he wants to see his friends won't help at all. Everyone needs personal time to develop their own social relationships and if I were married, so would I. I would also add that I have many close friends who are ex colleagues that I've seen much less of since they got married and I do try to meet with them in groups to reduce any concerns from their spouse that I am romantically interested in them.

 

 

The long and short is this - he has assured you of his devotion to you. Almost everyone enjoys attention from the opposite sex, married or not and perhaps he is guilty of not shutting that source of attention off decisively - but then again I'm sure we have been guilty of that at some points on our life and most of the times it is harmless. The tipping point comes when he starts to enjoy another woman's company more than yours, and the more you control, the more this becomes likely. Whether or not the action of cheating is morally correct is not the question here (you can of course exert your 'status' as wife to demand he severs ties with her on these grounds), the reality is, you risk turning yourself into a person that is not what you are - controlling, insecure, jealous - dont do this disservice to yourself. Make the boundaries and consequences clear to your husband and then just be yourself - the person that your husband loves you for. I am the believer that life often deals you an unlucky hand but one should alwsy strive to remain true to oneself and to act with grace always. Instead of focusing this energy on him, why not pay more attention to yourself? He may notice this change and divert more attention to you in a more positive way.

[Thicke2013]

For me, there is not tightening of a leash. It's about having respectable boundaries in a marriage or a committed relationship IMO. Look, early on when I first started dating my wife, I had a friend from my hometown that started texting me. She and I had dated a little off an on in High school but nothing serious. I was also still friends with her brother. She knew that I had gotten divorced and she was single as well. At first they were pretty harmless texts and I allowed them because I didn't want to shut her down if she was genuinely trying to be friendly. After all, I had known her for years although we were never really close. Then the texts got to be longer and more personal. Asking a lot of questions. Then one morning after I had stayed over at my GF's condo, she text. It was some weird text about how she had a dream about me and wanted to check on me and see if I was okay. Then an hour later was texting me telling me how she was taking her daughter to the park, then for ice cream, etc.

 

 

For me it was starting to get weird and I could see that it annoyed my GF some. I simply text her back and said that I was at my GF's place. I told her I was in a committed relationship and I felt it was disrespectful to my GF for us to continue texting so much. Once in a while was okay but not everyday all day. To this day she won't speak to me. How childish right? That told me all I needed to know about her motives for texting me.

 

 

The fact that your H avoided that he was with you and couldn't go for a drink and also left the door open for future drink dates is reason enough to question. What would he say if you invited yourself along next time? Tell him that you want to be okay with the situation and if you meet her maybe you will be from then on. At the very least, he has sloppy boundaries and vague boundaries sets everyone up for hurt.

[Southern Sun]

He's being completely insensitive to your feelings - that's the core issue.

[LovelyBrown]

I don't know:

What WOULD you say to a husband's female co-worker who texts him during the day to ask him out for drinks, when he's with his family, married and in all ways possible, not available?

 

It may be a good idea to not say anything.

It may be a good idea to let HER do the talking and explain herself....

 

I truly advise against this, having just gone through it myself, I totally ignored her and sent him the message to deal with his wife. I had no idea what she was so upset about because he never told me our friendship bothered her.

 

Hi. I wrote about this previously regarding my husband texting with his female coworker. So, yesterday, Sunday, in the afternoon my husband and I had just returned from the supermarket and I was about to prepare dinner, when he gets this text from this female coworker saying: "Hey what are you doin?" My husband looks at it and then shows me. He then responds: "Shopping. You?" He then showed me his response. Then she writes back and says:" Drinking at Amanda's. Come over."

After reading that I became livid. I asked him "why is a 26 year old female who supposedly knows you are married, texting you at 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday so you can go have drinks at the friend's house? I don't understand that." At this point he wasn't angry yet, he told me "I'm not going am I?", and then texted back: "Can't. Have other plans." He also attached a smiley face to the end of that message. Her response was: "Hahahaha. No worries. Another time."

We argued terribly about this. I told him that I don't have a problem if he has friends and goes out, and I would like both of us to go out with these people. He told me he doesn't need a chaperone. My response was "why, do you need your private time with these friends of yours?" At that point he got so angry he had to leave the house for about an hour. He left his phone behind and told me "keep the phone. "I'm not doing anything. I am transparent as I can be." And then he left. He came back and we talked and he said that my lack of trust in him is destroying our relationship. He can't see it! He can't see that his actions are the ones that are destroying our relationship. Why respond to the text? Why continue this? And why explode when I said "private time?" According to him it was incredibly insulting because he told me: "I love you, do everything for you, and want a life with you. Nothing I do makes this better."

This morning we woke up and he said he needed some time alone and that he will be over at my parents' house for lunch later. (We had plans to have lunch at my parent's). I asked him what is he going to do all morning and he said he might go for a drive, a bike ride, that he just needs ot clear his head because I hurt his feelings and demeaned him last night with my accusations.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I want to trust him, I want to believe nothing is going on or will go on in the future. But I find it hard to believe that he does not see the inappropriateness of this woman. He told me I should trust his judgement and that if a situation becomes weird (to where the woman tries to make a move on him) he has the morality to walk out and say "no thanks, I'm married." Please help me on this.

Sammy

 

Hi Sammy, I'll reply because I just went through something similar to this, except I'm the OW. I don't particularly think he's innocent, he may not have done anything yet, but he may be thinking about it.

I would text/email with my MM frequently and we would chat at work(nothing physical just emotionally charged). I just found out recently that his wife had been on to us for months!!! HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ME! This really pissed me off. Why did he never say anything to me? If he truly felt loyal to his wife IMO he should've told me that our friensdhip was causing problems. It was all news to me!

 

So, my advise to you is make him tell her that this friendship is not appropriate and to stop the communication, the fact that he doesn't tell her makes me think that he is hoping for something to happen or at least enjoying the attention. This other girl may be getting led on and she has no idea about your feelings, she would probably back off if she knew about you.

[Sammy1974]

My husband wrote me a letter yesterday. Basically the letter said the following in summary:

I love you

I cannot control what other people say, think, or do. I can only control what I do.

I would never jeopardize you, our relationship and our marriage after having been together for 10 years.

My interaction with other people, male or female, does not and will not ever change how I feel about you.

I trust you 100% and I ask the same of you.

Without trust relationships fail.

I am as transparent with you as I can be and nothing and no one will ever take me away from you

He ended it with saying I love you again and that I am always at the forefront of his mind.

 

The thing is, guess who has been texting again today? I looked at the phone bill online and there have been four texts exchanged and he was the first one to text. He knows I will check and he knows I will see it. He also knows that I can go home and look at this phone at any time that is always available. He never ever keeps his phone locked up somewhere and I can look at the texts whenever I want. This is why I am having a hard time with this. Do I trust him that he is telling me the truth, or not? If he was lying, he would separate our phone accounts, delete the messages so I can't see them, or keep the phone out of my reach. But the other part of me, asks, then why are you texting this person during work? What is going on? Please help.

[redtail]

Do I trust him that he is telling me the truth, or not?

Affairs have started with less evidence than this.

 

I understand, this is very real to you. The threat the OW represents is what matters to you and should matter to your husband.

 

He needs to understand that this is a deal breaker, that this is a boundary that you two need to maintain for your marriage and the discussion should be with a marriage counselor.

 

It doesn't matter if others see it "as no big deal" because you do and you need to trust your feelings on this.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[beach]

The thing that's causing conflict for you is that his words and actions don't match.

 

He knows this upsets you. Yet he goes today and texts her knowing it will upset you.

 

He doesn't have YOU at the forefront of his mind since he keeps allowing it to happen knowing this upsets you.

 

This is something he can control. Yet he's doing what he knows is hurting you.

 

That's not loving behavior.

 

 

He can say whatever he wants but his actions aren't backing up his words.

[Sammy1974]

And his reasons are as follows: I should not feel the need to control him because he is an adult who can make good decisions and use good judgement. That he would never do anything to hurt our relationship. He feels that just as he doesn't police my actions because he trusts me 100% I should give him the same. I have tried to explain to him that if something bothers me you need to stop doing it as my husband, and he said that if it was something serious or hurtful he absolutely would. But he feels that a few texts exhanged during work hours with a colleague should not bother me. But then, why does the colleague text him on a Sunday asking him to hang out with her and her friends over drinks? I want so badly to believe him, but something just doesn't add up for me.

[beach]

And his reasons are as follows: I should not feel the need to control him because he is an adult who can make good decisions and use good judgement. That he would never do anything to hurt our relationship. He feels that just as he doesn't police my actions because he trusts me 100% I should give him the same. I have tried to explain to him that if something bothers me you need to stop doing it as my husband, and he said that if it was something serious or hurtful he absolutely would. But he feels that a few texts exhanged during work hours with a colleague should not bother me. But then, why does the colleague text him on a Sunday asking him to hang out with her and her friends over drinks? I want so badly to believe him, but something just doesn't add up for me.

 

Trust your gut.

 

Any gal texting a MM to meet for drinks in that environment is out of line.

 

Since he's defending her and still wanting to text with her means he enjoys her interaction enough to hurt your feelings.

 

I would be upset too if I were you.

 

Sounds like he's being manipulative.

[Sammy1974]

Does it mean anything that he didn't go?

[LovelyBrown]

Does it mean anything that he didn't go?

 

I think he should've said something along the lines of " No, I can't because I'm married and it's something I'm not comfortable with" Why couldn't he have said that? that was the perfect chance to set up the boundaries with this friend.

[beach]

Did you follow him when he went to cool off?

 

Do you know exactly where he was while he was gone?

[Sammy1974]

Yes, I did follow him. His parents live down the street from us and he went there. I waited a couple minutes, got in my car, and saw his car parked in their driveway. I know he didn't go see anyone.

[Minnie09]

Has there been a history of infidelity or suspected infidelity? Red flag: no male friends. That screams low self-esteem. I know that kind.

Low self esteem = prone to seeking out external validation ...... Younger chick gives him attention = ego boost.

The letter he wrote you doesn't do anything for me. It's full of me me me and making demands on you. At the same time It's full of BIG words that don't match his actions.

Yeah......sorry. He probably wants to rebel. He wants you to mommy him - and he wants his ego stroked by OW. He will never be honest with you. He'll just continue his merry ways, putting the blame on you, calling you a psycho "because nothing has happened between us......" - arghhhhh. It's so obvious he's enjoying this. And he doesn't care how you feel about it. At all.

[writergal]

My husband wrote me a letter yesterday. Basically the letter said the following in summary:

I love you

I cannot control what other people say, think, or do. I can only control what I do.

I would never jeopardize you, our relationship and our marriage after having been together for 10 years.

My interaction with other people, male or female, does not and will not ever change how I feel about you.

I trust you 100% and I ask the same of you.

Without trust relationships fail.

I am as transparent with you as I can be and nothing and no one will ever take me away from you

He ended it with saying I love you again and that I am always at the forefront of his mind.

 

The thing is, guess who has been texting again today? I looked at the phone bill online and there have been four texts exchanged and he was the first one to text. He knows I will check and he knows I will see it. He also knows that I can go home and look at this phone at any time that is always available. He never ever keeps his phone locked up somewhere and I can look at the texts whenever I want. This is why I am having a hard time with this. Do I trust him that he is telling me the truth, or not? If he was lying, he would separate our phone accounts, delete the messages so I can't see them, or keep the phone out of my reach. But the other part of me, asks, then why are you texting this person during work? What is going on? Please help.

 

I think the letter is still his attempt to control and to manipulate you. After he says all that, he still texts with that 26 year old woman which is not appropriate, even if she has a boyfriend. He is a married man. What does he need from her that you can't give him?

 

Frankly, I wouldn't trust your husband. His actions contradict his words that he wrote to you in that letter. I'd be fed up with his gaslighting because that's what I view that letter as -- his attempt to throw you off balance so he can continue to guilt-trip you; wear you down until you give up and let him have his merry way with that young woman even if she has a boyfriend whom you've not even met because your husband won't even introduce you to her and him.

[beach]

He's saying he trusts you. That's because you aren't texting with a 26 year old man.

 

I wonder how much he would trust you if some young hottie asked you to come out on the weekend and meet for drinks?

 

He's participating with her and that's a red flag that something is more important than your feelings.

[eleve82]

And his reasons are as follows: I should not feel the need to control him because he is an adult who can make good decisions and use good judgement. That he would never do anything to hurt our relationship. He feels that just as he doesn't police my actions because he trusts me 100% I should give him the same. I have tried to explain to him that if something bothers me you need to stop doing it as my husband, and he said that if it was something serious or hurtful he absolutely would. But he feels that a few texts exhanged during work hours with a colleague should not bother me. But then, why does the colleague text him on a Sunday asking him to hang out with her and her friends over drinks? I want so badly to believe him, but something just doesn't add up for me.

 

I would honestly think twice before accusing him of doing anything - there are alot of accusations in this thread from people who don't know him as well as you do, based on the few conversations you have outlined. Again, I'm on the camp that doesn't actually think he has done anything WRONG.

 

 

Could he have terminated texting this girl? Yes. Could he have just said its inappropriate to go for drinks because he is married? Yes. But frankly I know just as many married men who have friendships with female colleagues who go for drinks and text message who are loyal to their wives. There is also social pressure for people to avoid being seen or feeling as if they are controlled by their spouses, rightly or wrongly.

 

 

Perhaps he is afraid of setting a precedent - if you demand he cuts ties with people, where is the line going to be drawn? he already gives you access to everything. If he does indeed talk about you to everyone and is willing to leave his phone around, there is ground for giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm only saying this because there's in reality little anyone can do if someone has set his or her heart on cheating, but your actions could irreparably damage the relationship in the off-chance you are wrong about him.

[Trishern]

My husband wrote me a letter yesterday. Basically the letter said the following in summary:

I love you

I cannot control what other people say, think, or do. I can only control what I do.

I would never jeopardize you, our relationship and our marriage after having been together for 10 years.

My interaction with other people, male or female, does not and will not ever change how I feel about you.

I trust you 100% and I ask the same of you.

Without trust relationships fail.

I am as transparent with you as I can be and nothing and no one will ever take me away from you

He ended it with saying I love you again and that I am always at the forefront of his mind.

 

The thing is, guess who has been texting again today? I looked at the phone bill online and there have been four texts exchanged and he was the first one to text. He knows I will check and he knows I will see it. He also knows that I can go home and look at this phone at any time that is always available. He never ever keeps his phone locked up somewhere and I can look at the texts whenever I want. This is why I am having a hard time with this. Do I trust him that he is telling me the truth, or not? If he was lying, he would separate our phone accounts, delete the messages so I can't see them, or keep the phone out of my reach. But the other part of me, asks, then why are you texting this person during work? What is going on? Please help.

 

 

I had similar situation with my H, but it was an Ex GF. I got him to post here on LS (see link below)

 

 

Only after the responses did he understand how it was hurting me. I was in quite a state over it and whilst I would not necessarily have ended the marriage over it, because we have a good marriage, it would have made me unhappy and ultimately he wouldn't want that.

 

 

He assured me he loved me and the contact was innocent, which I was prepared to believe, but I still didn't like it.

 

 

The replies on LS helped us move forward ands were so spot on, I as amazed.

 

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/521881-wife-wants-me-cut-all-contact-ex-girlfriend

 

 

 

 

Mts Trishern

[Anderlie]

So you are upset because he literally won't text exactly what you want him to say, he writes you a heartfelt letter asking for trust which sends you running to check his phone records and you follow him when he asks for space.

 

I hope you do go into counselling, I just don't think it will have the results you're expecting.

[TaraMaiden2]

Sammy1974, it's not him you mistrust.

 

It's her motives you suspect .

The problem is to convey that to him, get him to understand the whole inapprpriateness of her continual contact, and how you feel threatened by her insistent attention.

THAT'S why you need him to tell her to back off.

He may just not have a single clue about social boundaries and think you're blowing this out of all proportion.

But he has to understand that he's not the real target of your anxiety.

 

She is.