Another Text Message

[minimariah]

Minimariah,

What is the plan after this? If he continues texting despite the changed behavior in his wife , should she ignore the texts?

 

she should. she's obsessed with texts & won't let it go. even if there is something going on, he won't admit it. so what's the point of staying married if all you're going to do is harrass your spouse & obsesses over them texts, check and follow his every move?

 

if she plans on doing it for the rest of her life -- divorce him. she cannot stop him from cheating. IF he'll cheat, he'll cheat. if she feels unhappy in the relationship -- divorce him.

 

but she's torturing both of them and i honestly cannot understand how is that acceptable life for either one of them.

 

either divorce him OR forget about the texts and focus on the marriage. if you're STILL unhappy & your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong...? divorce him.

 

no need for drama & complicating your love more than it should be complicated. can't live a life worrying about what will someone else do when you can't control their actions anyway. it's pointless.

 

by obsessing & being controlling she's losing her dignity and sanity. even if it eventually turns put that he IS having an affair - at least she'll walk away with her dignity intact. she's giving him a BUNCH of excuses right now he'll use later as some kind of justification (if he is cheating, that is) & blame the marriage failure on her.

Edited May 27, 2015 by minimariah

[Sammy1974]

Hi. No he never mentioned that text. And yes, he knows how obsessive I can be and that I look at the phone bill daily. He knows that I look at the phone bill online multiple times a day. And no, he wasn't on his computer or ipad. He doesn't have an ipad and our computer is in the basement. He was literally next to me the whole night that night. As he is every single night. That is why I am having such a hard time understanding the situation. Because he doesn't show any of the "signs" of a cheating spouse. Just those messages on occassion.

[Sammy1974]

Regarding installing apps on his phone for chatting. Would he still have his phone so accessible to me if he had done that? For sure he has not downloaded anything that is charged because I would have seen it on the phone bill. I also don't think that there is anything going on right NOW with this coworker. I am just afraid that he might be setting the stage for something that's all.

[MM1234]

Regarding installing apps on his phone for chatting. Would he still have his phone so accessible to me if he had done that? For sure he has not downloaded anything that is charged because I would have seen it on the phone bill. I also don't think that there is anything going on right NOW with this coworker. I am just afraid that he might be setting the stage for something that's all.

 

Sammy,

 

My husband did the same BS that your husband is doing now. For the sake of your sanity....stop checking the phone logs & demanding to see his phone! All you are doing is giving him the ammunition to go underground & hide his tracks better. I bet you he told his little friend to not text him. There are dozens of free apps you can download to chat with someone & believe me, he's going underground.

 

Stop nagging the man & start the 180 immediately. Stop checking his phone & start focusing on YOU. Do nice things for YOU. Go out with friends & recreate a new fun life for yourself. Start working out & looking good for YOU. Redirect the hyper-focus you have on your DH & put that back on YOU.

 

You will drive yourself crazy trying to find evidence. You already know he has been inappropriate with his little female friends already. If you haven't done anything about it by now, what good is trying to find more evidence?

 

180 time...like now....stop worrying so much about him & worry about YOU. Separate those finances & live your life as if your husband isn't in it. He'll change his tune but only if you do the 180 right.

[Sammy1974]

I have already started doing the 180. Last night I told him I met one of the psychologists next door to my office. I work in an office building with a variety of offices and next door to us an all-male psych practice has opened up recently. I said "Oh, I met one of the psychologists who works next door today. Nice guy." To this my husband responded: "Is that the practice where all men work?" I said "Yes" and nothing else. Then he started joking saying things like: "Oh, did you talk to him? What did he say back to you? Did he look at you? Did you look at him.?" I told him, Ok, you're trying to make a point here right? HE said "yes, because you see how ridiculous it sounds." I told him: "What you are doing sounds ridiculous, yes. However, I am not texting this man and he is not asking me to hang out with him and his friends over drinks. A little different story." To this he said nothing. Do you think there is a possibility that perhaps he texted her and told her to stop texting him but not with the back up of a cheating app? Even though I don't trust him 100%, I feel confident in saying that when he is with me, there is no communication with anyone but me. He is so close to me and when he goes to the restroom or anywhere else in the house, he never ever takes his phone with him. So, even if there was a cheating app on the phone, wouldn't he take it with him to use it? And I could still see the text messages with a cheating app as they come through right?

[Sammy1974]

So, I have been researching spy apps on phones. I read that with one app "Hide My Texts", incoming texts come in as updates to certain apps you already have on your phone. Last night, I looked at his phone, and there were 2 updates on his OpenTable app. Could it be that he has actually done this?

[Sammy1974]

I looked at our phone bill under "T-Mobile purchases". It lists all downloads on the phone, free or charged. I found a number there. Only a number and the date that was this past Sunday the 23rd. That day we were out shopping and he received a text message from that number from a male friend he had made a few years back in one of the schools. He showed it to me and he showed me his responses. I know it was a male friend because he said it in the text since it had been a while since my husband and this man had communicated. So, that was that. We both thought it was strange that this person communicated with my husband after all that time. It was forgotten. And,by the way that number was not stored in his phone. So, now, I looked at the purchases and that number is listed as a purchase with a date of 5/23. I looked back on the phone log and sure enough it belongs to that guy. I even called it and his voice mail came on with his name. Could it be a glitch, and its listed under purchases for no reason? Or is it somehow a cover for the kinds of apps others have suggested he may have downloaded on his phone? I'm really wondering now, because as of that night when he sent one text, there has been no texting between them.

[MM1234]

He has most likely gone underground. My DH would still leave his phone around me & never text much while he was home. The reason why...because he did all of his texting & deleting while at work.

 

Start the 180 now. Don't make any announcements about it & carry on. Your DH will get messy again when he notices you aren't hypervigilant. He'll let his guard down, they always do.

 

Stay the course & focus on YOU.

[Lois_Griffin]

I know there are a zillion free texting/calling/chatting apps that you can download, but I'm actually addressing the one text he chose not to tell you about and then handed you the phone all evening like he deserved a medal for it or something.

 

It's painfully obvious he told her not to text him because AGAIN, he's contradicting himself and talking out of both sides of his mouth.

 

One minute, he's telling you they're only friends and you're making a mountain out of a molehill and your incessant spying is unnecessary and intrusive and unfair and blah blah blah.

 

Then the next minute, he's HANDING you his phone and telling you to monitor it all night and then expecting a pat on the head because of COURSE, he gets no texts.

 

Who the hell in their RIGHT mind would hand over their phone and ASK you to monitor it if they knew it was possible someone would text them? And does he honestly think that just because one night he told her not to text and you didn't see any texts, that it's all magically alright again?

 

That was SUCH a dog and pony show he put on for you that night.

[Sammy1974]

He did it again last night. I was cooking dinner, he took his phone, turned it in my direction and said: "See? No texts?"

I called him earlier today and he is at work with a lot of down time since the school year is coming to an end. I asked him if he's bored and he said yes,and then I asked him, "isn't there anyone you can talk to to pass the time?" His response: "Why? You won't let me. If I talk to anyone you know we'll fight about it. So, I am in the library by myself."

Could it be that he just decided to give in to what I am asking him to do, basically not communicate and hang out with certain people, but is too proud to tell me he's done it due to wanting to protect his ego? I asked him last night "Why are you showing me your phone again?" He said "Because I am trying here. I am trying to make things better."

Thoughts?

[MM1234]

I know there are a zillion free texting/calling/chatting apps that you can download, but I'm actually addressing the one text he chose not to tell you about and then handed you the phone all evening like he deserved a medal for it or something.

 

It's painfully obvious he told her not to text him because AGAIN, he's contradicting himself and talking out of both sides of his mouth.

 

One minute, he's telling you they're only friends and you're making a mountain out of a molehill and your incessant spying is unnecessary and intrusive and unfair and blah blah blah.

 

Then the next minute, he's HANDING you his phone and telling you to monitor it all night and then expecting a pat on the head because of COURSE, he gets no texts.

 

Who the hell in their RIGHT mind would hand over their phone and ASK you to monitor it if they knew it was possible someone would text them? And does he honestly think that just because one night he told her not to text and you didn't see any texts, that it's all magically alright again?

 

That was SUCH a dog and pony show he put on for you that night.

 

 

Sammy, read the above....all of this is so true. 180...hard.

[MM1234]

He did it again last night. I was cooking dinner, he took his phone, turned it in my direction and said: "See? No texts?"

I called him earlier today and he is at work with a lot of down time since the school year is coming to an end. I asked him if he's bored and he said yes,and then I asked him, "isn't there anyone you can talk to to pass the time?" His response: "Why? You won't let me. If I talk to anyone you know we'll fight about it. So, I am in the library by myself."

Could it be that he just decided to give in to what I am asking him to do, basically not communicate and hang out with certain people, but is too proud to tell me he's done it due to wanting to protect his ego? I asked him last night "Why are you showing me your phone again?" He said "Because I am trying here. I am trying to make things better."

Thoughts?

 

He's really good with his theatrics! Just start the 180 & do it hard. The next time he tries to show you his phone, act uninterested. Don't take the bait.

[Lois_Griffin]

Thoughts?

 

Yup.

 

I'd tell him he's probably right, and maybe you were being unfair and paranoid and maybe you need to step back and regroup because you don't like how this has escalated.

 

Don't be over-nice, don't be condescending, and don't be phony. Just kind of grudgingly apologize and let life go back to normal.

 

Then when he's sleeping one night, install spy software on his phone.

 

At this point, all you're doing is making him get more sneaky because he knows you're watching every move he's making.

 

All I'm saying is that where there's smoke, there's fire. Your gut is screaming to you for a reason and if I had a dime for every single betrayed spouse who's claimed over the years that they "should have listened to their gut," I'd be a very rich woman.

[LovelyBrown]

I have already started doing the 180. Last night I told him I met one of the psychologists next door to my office. I work in an office building with a variety of offices and next door to us an all-male psych practice has opened up recently. I said "Oh, I met one of the psychologists who works next door today. Nice guy." To this my husband responded: "Is that the practice where all men work?" I said "Yes" and nothing else. Then he started joking saying things like: "Oh, did you talk to him? What did he say back to you? Did he look at you? Did you look at him.?" I told him, Ok, you're trying to make a point here right? HE said "yes, because you see how ridiculous it sounds." I told him: "What you are doing sounds ridiculous, yes. However, I am not texting this man and he is not asking me to hang out with him and his friends over drinks. A little different story." To this he said nothing. Do you think there is a possibility that perhaps he texted her and told her to stop texting him but not with the back up of a cheating app? Even though I don't trust him 100%, I feel confident in saying that when he is with me, there is no communication with anyone but me. He is so close to me and when he goes to the restroom or anywhere else in the house, he never ever takes his phone with him. So, even if there was a cheating app on the phone, wouldn't he take it with him to use it? And I could still see the text messages with a cheating app as they come through right?

 

Sammy, I don't think he is cheating. He may just really be enjoying the attention he gets from this girl, which could eventually lead to something. I'm going by my own experience here.

My MOM would tell me when he was on his way home so I would stop texting. It became impossible to communicate, which it's been a blessing in disguise.

 

You're making it really hard for him to do anything about this "friendship", so why not let off him a bit? You don't want to push him too far, it will only push him away. He's with you and the phone is away, what else could he do? If he's so willing to cheat, regardless of the fact that you're onto him, then he's too far gone. I think most men will quit the flirtation with a coworker if their spouse is on to them, and he probably has.

That's just my opinion.

[MM1234]

I think most men will quit the flirtation with a coworker if their spouse is on to them, and he probably has.

That's just my opinion.

 

Not all of them. Some people just take it deeper underground.

[LovelyBrown]

Not all of them. Some people just take it deeper underground.

 

Well...if he's at this level then why bother? She can't do anything to stop him. She's going to drive herself crazy.

 

OP knows her husband and I believe she listened to that "gut feeling" just in time and has put the brakes on something that could've been.

[MM1234]

Well...if he's at this level then why bother? She can't do anything to stop him. She's going to drive herself crazy.

 

OP knows her husband and I believe she listened to that "gut feeling" just in time and has put the brakes on something that could've been.

 

Yep, I totally agree with you. Which is why I keep telling her to start the 180 & stop driving herself crazy.

[berniev]

He did it again last night. I was cooking dinner, he took his phone, turned it in my direction and said: "See? No texts?"

I called him earlier today and he is at work with a lot of down time since the school year is coming to an end. I asked him if he's bored and he said yes,and then I asked him, "isn't there anyone you can talk to to pass the time?" His response: "Why? You won't let me. If I talk to anyone you know we'll fight about it. So, I am in the library by myself."

Could it be that he just decided to give in to what I am asking him to do, basically not communicate and hang out with certain people, but is too proud to tell me he's done it due to wanting to protect his ego? I asked him last night "Why are you showing me your phone again?" He said "Because I am trying here. I am trying to make things better."

Thoughts?

 

Sammy, you are crazy and you are driving yourself crazy. You are obsessing over something so trivial. Since you can't handle the text, why don't you just tell your husband to make it go away, you don't want to hear, see or know anything about it? How he does it, it's completely up to him.

 

If you have to resort to spying and 180 for your relationship, it's not worth having this relationship anymore.

 

One final note, men are men. Men want to be desired sexually by different women. Don't fight that nature as you will lose every time and short of castration, you aren't going to change that. Take the notions of "Don't ask, don't tell," and "Don't look for trouble because you will find it," you will be happy.

[Lois_Griffin]

One final note, men are men. Men want to be desired sexually by different women. Don't fight that nature as you will lose every time and short of castration, you aren't going to change that. Take the notions of "Don't ask, don't tell," and "Don't look for trouble because you will find it," you will be happy.

LOL. Yes Sammy, quit looking for trouble because you might find it.

 

Better to be blissfully ignorant.

[MM1234]

LOL. Yes Sammy, quit looking for trouble because you might find it.

 

Better to be blissfully ignorant.

 

LMAO!!! I know, right?!?!

[Sammy1974]

I completely disagree. I am not going to turn a blind eye and be blissfully ingorant. However, all of you are all right in the fact that I need to stop. I need to stop obsessing over this, because it is literally making me sick. In the last couple of weeks I have lost weight, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I will not mention this to him ever again. I can tell you that texting has stopped, which to me is a red flag. Whoever said that I should have said nothing because now he has gone underground, you are completely correct. I don't believe he simply stopped doing what he was doing out of respect for me. If that was so, why wouldn't he just tell me? Whatever he is doing is continuing, he just got smarter. And that's fine. I will not say another word. I believe that time will reveal what it has to. If I find proof that in fact something is going on, I won't even confront him about it. I will simply ask him to move out, take his name off our lease, and talk to a divorce lawyer. I'm done.

[berniev]

I completely disagree. I am not going to turn a blind eye and be blissfully ingorant. However, all of you are all right in the fact that I need to stop. I need to stop obsessing over this, because it is literally making me sick. In the last couple of weeks I have lost weight, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I will not mention this to him ever again. I can tell you that texting has stopped, which to me is a red flag. Whoever said that I should have said nothing because now he has gone underground, you are completely correct. I don't believe he simply stopped doing what he was doing out of respect for me. If that was so, why wouldn't he just tell me? Whatever he is doing is continuing, he just got smarter. And that's fine. I will not say another word. I believe that time will reveal what it has to. If I find proof that in fact something is going on, I won't even confront him about it. I will simply ask him to move out, take his name off our lease, and talk to a divorce lawyer. I'm done.

 

Here you go. Install this and start working on your divorce.

 

iPhone Spy App - The only undetectable Spy App for iPhone

[Sammy1974]

Thank you. But he doesn't have an iphone. He has an android phone. I have one question though. If he in fact downloaded a text hiding app, would it show up on the phone bill under purchases, or data, or anything? I read online that some of those apps can show up on phone bills.

[MM1234]

I completely disagree. I am not going to turn a blind eye and be blissfully ingorant. However, all of you are all right in the fact that I need to stop. I need to stop obsessing over this, because it is literally making me sick. In the last couple of weeks I have lost weight, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I will not mention this to him ever again. I can tell you that texting has stopped, which to me is a red flag. Whoever said that I should have said nothing because now he has gone underground, you are completely correct. I don't believe he simply stopped doing what he was doing out of respect for me. If that was so, why wouldn't he just tell me? Whatever he is doing is continuing, he just got smarter. And that's fine. I will not say another word. I believe that time will reveal what it has to. If I find proof that in fact something is going on, I won't even confront him about it. I will simply ask him to move out, take his name off our lease, and talk to a divorce lawyer. I'm done.

 

Now that's how you do it!!!

 

Sammy, I can so relate to you that it isn't even funny. But what I do want you to know is that there is still hope you can save your marriage. I had the same exact problem with my DH & his EAs went as far as him receiving a coochie picture! It was that bad!

 

Doing the 180 is how I got my DH's attention. He got a chance to experience what life is like without me: no home cooked meals, no joint money, no effort in meeting his needs, making decisions on my own, taking care of mine & my daughter's needs ONLY. He noticed the 180 & it scared him, he knew I was detaching & that meant I could leave. I never made an announcement about the 180, I just put it into action. I did the 180 for about 6 months before my DH came to me & said he wanted to work on things.

 

Now, my DH doesn't entertain female friends at all. I drew that boundary & made it known that he can go live with his new friends if anymore crop up. I don't tolerate it at all anymore, he has proven himself to know no boundaries. I don't check his phone anymore but I know I can because he is now 100% transparent with me (I know passwords to emails, etc.). He is now taking my needs seriously since he knows what it feels like when someone disregards his.

 

However, right now your DH is not there yet. I believe he is covering his tracks better & try to throw you off with his "see? look at my phone" theatrics. Go dark on him, that will make him nervous.

[berniev]

Thank you. But he doesn't have an iphone. He has an android phone. I have one question though. If he in fact downloaded a text hiding app, would it show up on the phone bill under purchases, or data, or anything? I read online that some of those apps can show up on phone bills.

 

Spyera always makes a version for Android.

 

Android Spy App - Undetectable Cell Phone Spy Application

 

Seriously, if you going down this route, you may just file your divorce now. Nothing good can come out of this snooping regardless you use a tool or not.

 

1. You are super lucky and don't get caught.

2. You finds nothing but your husband catches you doing it. This will break all the trust. Personally I would just break up with you the moment I find out.

3. You find what you are looking for and you file for divorce.

 

Pick your choice please.

Edited May 28, 2015 by berniev