Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Oh and he also said he couldn't deal with me possibly mistrusting him too. He already deals with his wife with that. He can't handle the stress of two Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Oh and he also said he couldn't deal with me possibly mistrusting him too. He already deals with his wife with that. He can't handle the stress of two Wow!!! He can't handle it? You both mistrust him because he shouldn't be trusted! It always amazes me how people can create situations that cause so much hurt and drama, then turn around and state that they just can't handle the aftermath. His former EA is relevant to you. There is a difference between an affair once and a serial cheater, more than one affair is on the way to serial cheating. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Thank you Red. I feel it is relevant to me as well. He should have told me. And now that I know about it he is turning away from me which I find odd. He is the one who didn't tell me about the previous affair . And his response when I find out is to turn away from me Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Oh and he also said he couldn't deal with me possibly mistrusting him too. He already deals with his wife with that. He can't handle the stress of two The irony. He doesn't like that his W mistrusts him. Yet he's now had two A's. I think it's obvious who the problem is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 He's been doing push:pull with me for a long time. Almost the entire affair of three years he's fun hot and cold. Now I know what it's not his first rodeo Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 It does hurt. When you find out you were just the next girl, it's humiliating. You feel like one amongst many. Line 'em up, knock 'em down. There's a sense that having an affair IS special, that it requires effort. You picture them with their previous OW, expending all this effort for years to carry on this deceit. So it does feel like a betrayal, even though it's twisted. And they tell us they we are SO different, we are the special ones, we are on another level, we don't compare. Who knows. Maybe they are telling the truth, maybe not. I think the truth is that an affair might be 'special' to a particular person, or it can be very 'unspecial'. It could be that it was super easy, she was available for an ego stroke, and why wouldn't he accept that, if he was that kind of guy? Or it could have been something else. We won't know. Then again, if we get involved with an MM, we are going to fall in one of those categories as well. I think it's simply a reality check. It just shows you what you are doing in a very uncomfortable way. I am so sorry for how you are feeling. The first part of distorted thinking that an OW must make herself realize is that no one in a cheating MM's life is special. His W, OW, no one. He is a cheater who is deceiving women. Period.. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Thank you Red. I feel it is relevant to me as well. He should have told me. And now that I know about it he is turning away from me which I find odd. He is the one who didn't tell me about the previous affair . And his response when I find out is to turn away from me Affairs are so much about the reflection that we want our affair partner to see. You unmasked this part of him, and you're not reflecting back the image that he wants. It doesn't make him feel good. That's why he's turning away right now. Affair psychology is whack. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 That makes total sense and is the impression in getting. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Affairs are so much about the reflection that we want our affair partner to see. You unmasked this part of him, and you're not reflecting back the image that he wants. It doesn't make him feel good. That's why he's turning away right now. Affair psychology is whack. It's not just affair psychology, but how we all behave in relationships. We see a mirror in our partners. Sometimes we like what we see, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we stay because we believe the reflection, even if it's not true. The A starts because the MM doesn't like the mirror they look into into their M, and the OW gives a different reflection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 So in order to keep our AP happy, we must constantly reflect a positive image back to them. Otherwise they are just on to the next who will.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 He says he is not a serial cheater. He just is in a marriage where he doesn't feel appreciated or heard so he is vulnerable. Sheesh. Wow, so it's his wife's fault and the marriages fault that he cheated. Guess it's easier for him to go elsewhere than to speak up and have conversations with his wife so they can communicate and listen to one another better, do counseling etc. Nope, instead he uses that to justify having two affairs. Haven't heard from him today. I told him last night I needed reaffirmation that this was real and how it was different with me. All he said was that it was but he couldn't tell me why or wouldn't tell me. Rude. And he's selfish. Shocker. Oh and he also said he couldn't deal with me possibly mistrusting him too. He already deals with his wife with that. He can't handle the stress of two He basically is trying to 'put you in your place' and be his good little OW, keep your mouth shut and don't complain, don't nag him or question him about anything and believe all that he tells you no matter what. That should make you feel low and disrespected!! What is it that you actually love about this man? He seems like such a turd! He's been doing push:pull with me for a long time. Almost the entire affair of three years he's fun hot and cold. Now I know what it's not his first rodeo That push/pull game won't ever stop because that's the dynamic that's been created between the two of you. Isn't it exhausting and dramatic? Are you sick of it yet? And, you won't be his last. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Whichwayisup, you are so right. I need to be done with him. He shouldn't even be my concern. I'm going to make that rap song my motto for him.. "I don't eff with you" lol. Please tell me someone on here has heard that song?! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 So things have been rough with his wife the past month. He says she's not happy and he even says that he thinks she wants a divorce. Well they talked last night and he said that she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work on things. Guess that's my answer as to any long term future with him. He had the easy way out. She was going to leave and he doesn't want her to. I told him I can't be a part of his life like this if he truly wants to work on his marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 So things have been rough with his wife the past month. He says she's not happy and he even says that he thinks she wants a divorce. Well they talked last night and he said that she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work on things. Guess that's my answer as to any long term future with him. He had the easy way out. She was going to leave and he doesn't want her to. I told him I can't be a part of his life like this if he truly wants to work on his marriage. I am sorry, this must be difficult to come to terms with right now. At least you know now where he stands and what he has decided to do. In the long run, this will be a good thing- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Why are you still hanging on in there? See #109 In January after 3 long years together as APs and after you had left your husband. YOU wrote "I told him I love him. He doesn't say it back. Finally he said, "I wish I could say I do" Probably the most painful sentence I've ever heard." YOU said a light switch went on then, yet here you still are, besotted and still being used as a FWB. Hoping against hope he leaves his wife or she chucks him out. Even if he or she did leave, I guess he is not going to spend his future with a woman he doesn't love. Sorry, time to get real here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 I know. It's been very tough getting out of this situation. We work together. I think I really need to find another job if I want complete closure to happen. It's the only way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 He also said he wants to make it work for the kids sake. I told him it needs to be more than that. People with kids get divorced all the time. He needs to stay because he loves her and can't imagine living without her. To which he responded that he can't imagine life without me either. Link to post Share on other sites
Lula Belle Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 It's amazing to me how many men say they cheat on their wives because they don't listen to them. I wonder if they will ever get that it probably started with THEM not listening to their wives, not paying any attention to her, and living his life separate from her. Anyway, that's been my experience with all the relationships I've been in. There comes a point in time in life where you just have to stop resenting people for not putting you on a pedestal and giving you all the attention you think you need. I've noticed men require a lot of attention. I need all of mine for me, my life, and my responsibilities. Women are pulled in so many directions, especially once children come along. It just astounds me how passive aggressive men seem to be. Unfortunately, very true. They want the wife to adore them, but don't realize they are likely doing things to piss the wife off. Then they carry on an affair, behave differently at home, and whine about the wife not doing this or doing that...when they are guilty of the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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