hans Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I am haveing a problem with my soon to be wife. she has been involved with a group of friends for about a year or so. they get togeather once a week to play music. we both started going togeather even though I am dont play. I found that she was having a hard time focousing on the music that she had come there to play. it seamed like she was trying to entertain me insted of playing so I decided that she should go by herself. but one of her male friends has started writing here e mails. at first they seamed just silly and funny she use to get 1 or 2 letters a week but now he writes her every day. long rambling stories like 1 or 2 pages long. and it is causing me great heartache. i feel she is fathfull . when I talked to her about it she just past it up as jelousy. and that they are just friends. she says they talked about it a little. I had said to her i wonder how his wife would feel about it. she mentioned that to him. he said that it would be ok with her. my future wife seams to not have a problem with it all. but its killing me. here is a letter that i have writen to her on this matter. I have changed the names jane- I know this thing with my problem over toms emails has been hard on you. I certainly feel stressed about it. To me trust and love go hand in hand. I trust you with all of my heart. That is not in doubt. When I say, “I love you” I give you all of my heart fully with out hesitation. That trust is 100%. If I didn’t give you that then couldn’t love you as much as I do and I hope you trust and love me the same. But the letters are hurting me. I know you just think I am jealous and that they are just stories. It may be just that. But in all my experiences he is not behaving like “just a friend”. You talked to him about my letters he knows that they bother me and must know that they are causing friction between us. Yet he still writes you. Almost every day. If he were a “just friend” he would think, “Gee my letters may be causing problems between Angie and Troy “. And he would stop or at least back off a little. But he is not. I guess in my mind if a guy writes stories to a girl no mater how benign they may be to me its a romantic act. He writes to you so often. And in such a poetic way. You may not be able to see it or may not want to because you truly want him as a friend. But to me it just seems wrong. Maybe it’s because of my past and the problems that I have had in my marriage that make me feel this way. I’m sure it has something to do with it. But the fact of the mater is I do feel hurt over this .It seams that it is something that I am unable to change at this time. I know you think I am just being jealous but please think of how you felt when you found a girls name with a phone number on a piece of paper in my pocket from work. To me this is worse. Way worse. I try to push it away and tell myself that there is no problem. I am trying to get over it. But this is causing a real problem. I am unable to handle it. I am too weak right now. I am hoping that you will do something about this before it causes damage to our relationship. Are the letters that tom is writing to you worth it? I hope you are not offended by my honesty. But it is causing me much grief. I hope you can make the right decision for the both of us. I love you with all of my heart - john please i need some advise. I am not sure if i am doing the right thing or if i am just jelous Hans Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 What was her answer to your letter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hans Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 i have yet to give it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I don't know if a letter is the best way to go. Why can't you just tell her how you feel? She is your wife. If she loves you she should be able to see that this is upsetting you and stop it. If not, I don't know. Tell her to put herself in your shoes.Your afraid of what might happen. She should be able to see that... Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Hello, This is wrong and you know it. I doubt she would be feeling good if the roles were reversed. I would try to make copies of these letters and give them to his wife. What I am now going to say may sound harsh but here goes. I would put on hold your thoughts of marrying this woman anytime soon. She is involved in an emotional affair while she is engaged to you. She knows this is hurting you and yet she continues to do this. She is sharing her thoughts and feelings with another married man while she is engaged to you. These are huge red flags. If she refuses to stop this emotional affair when you soon to be married to her then you are asking for major heartbreak in the future. Why would you want to marry a woman very shortly who is carrying on an emotional affair with a married man and puts your feelings at a low priority compared to her married friend? If she refuses to stop this emotional affair then it is time to walk away. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hans Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 what if i am wrong about this whole thing. i am so full of doubt and insecuritys. I do beleve her when she says she is fathfull. i dont doubt that for a second. i am starting to hate him. i am going to talk to her tonight. i dont want to be the jelous type. i dont want to say " dont do this with your friend" who woulld like that? I dont want her to choose. my way or the highway. but at the same time i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I don't see how you can be wrong on this. 1) Your post asked is her male friend attracted to her. The answer is probably yes. Whether it will turn into something or not is beside the point: he is paying what seems an objectively large amount of attention to a woman. While I agree that people can be just friends, this looks shady. 2) She's defending him too hard. If she really was either concerned with acting appropriately or with your feelings, she wouldn't be working this hard to defend him. I'd just explain it one last time calmly. You don't want him to come between you but if his friendship really means that much to her, chances are you two aren't at the right point to get hitched. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Hans, You have a gut feeling that this is wrong. Generally your gut is right. Do you honestly think if the roles were reversed she would be all right with you in an emotional affair with another woman? Would she be all right with a married woman writing long letters to you every day? Of course not. In addition, I guarantee you that his wife would be very upset if she knew what was going on. I strongly encourage you to inform her of everything that is going on. I am sure she will be extremely hurt. By doing nothing you are allowing this inappropriate relationship to continue. She will become more and more emotionally connected to him. Please look up emotional affairs (non sexual) because your girlfriend is now involved in one. It is not a question of jealously. It is a question of inappropriate behavior toward another man while she is engaged to you. The bottom line Hans is that you would never be involved in this type of behavior while you are planning on marrying someone else. You need to open your eyes and so does she. Her behavior is very disrespectful and hurtful to you. Her attitude seems to be that she can be emotionally involved with other men and that as long as she is not having sex with him then it becomes your problem of having jealously. This is ridiculous. Reading your message is like watching a trainwreck that is going to happen in the future. Please think about seriously what I am telling you. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 It doesn't really matter if this guy really is attracted to her or not and vice versa. She knows that this causes you a lot of anguish yet she continues to disregard your feelings on the issue. The fact that it's more important for her to be this married man's pen pal than to avoid hurting your feelings or making you feel insecure about the situation shows some degree of disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hans Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 I left work early today and went and talked to her about how i was feeling she told me that she will talk to the guy and tell him to stop sending e mails. after a long talk she decided that maybe i was right about the whole thing. she told me that she didnt want to make hasty judgments but after the talk she decided that our relationship is worth more the the e mails. and that she would stop going to the jam untill it was all sorted out and I am comfortable again. I think when i showed her the letter she finally understood that its not just one act that is bad but the cumulation of meny things that make it wrong. Thanks for all your help. you were there when i was in pain. i wont forget that. I feel sorry for his wife. Hans Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Glad to hear it. For a while I would just focus on having a good time with her; there may still be fallout from this. You think she stopped doing something she ought not have let happen; she may think she has just made a sacrifice for your benefit. There's room for resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hans Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 thanks it doesent seam that way but. i will be carefull. its good advise Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 She has a male friend who humors her with countless e-mails just for fun? HAHAHAHA! He likes her. Watch your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hans Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 should i tell his wife about this? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 It's up to you, but that may cause more problems. You should talk to him more than her. He's the one who needs to wake up, since he's violating your territory. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hans Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 very true. i am so angry at him. i feel like i am going to explode!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 You don't even have to tell him in so many words... just monitor his reaction. If he gets defensive, then he's trying to hide something. If he respects you, he'll simply apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, because he'll realize the implications of what he's doing, and what it can lead to. Check it out and see what happens. Make sure you're calm. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts