Love Hurts !

[Josmatjes]

So where am I. Well I think purgatory is the answer which has been compounded by the OW not knowing what she wants so I need space from her as much as she does from me. I need to either make home work or not but give it 100% and live by my decision if it works or not but it wont if the OW is in the picture I understand that much. "Hope" was right I was scared to make a choice or decision but the situation is very complex and I have found the OW hard to let go and she has of me to be fair despite her moving on. Of course I think of the impact on others and I am not proud of myself (who would be). What I have realised is I need to move forward soft landing or not otherwise I am just causing more and more damage .

 

I am married 19 years also with kids...I'm very unhappy and I definitely am here out of guilt and monetary reasons. I am trying to figure out a way to be free,If you have the means to leave than you should move out for awhile and find yourself. When the dust settles everyone will be okay and you will have made some decisions....your marrage is not going to work.... You were in love with another woman..... You cannot force yourself to be in love with your wife again. Love should be natural....

[casey.lives]

love doesn't hurt. people hurt people.

[still_an_Angel]

So where am I. Well I think purgatory is the answer which has been compounded by the OW not knowing what she wants so I need space from her as much as she does from me. I need to either make home work or not but give it 100% and live by my decision if it works or not but it wont if the OW is in the picture I understand that much. "Hope" was right I was scared to make a choice or decision but the situation is very complex and I have found the OW hard to let go and she has of me to be fair despite her moving on. Of course I think of the impact on others and I am not proud of myself (who would be). What I have realised is I need to move forward soft landing or not otherwise I am just causing more and more damage .

 

 

 

How could it work with your W if your heart is never in it to begin with? You won't be giving it your 100%. Your choice if you stay is accepting your mediocre marriage, so there's nothing that you need to work for and give your 100%. How is this fair to your W? She is not your choice, she is the back-up.

 

 

You said that your OW has moved on, but you seem to think/consider that she is still waiting for you to decide if you're staying in your M or not. She might not be waiting anymore due to your indecisiveness.

[farrah5451]

Life is short, follow your heart. She'll take you back . Take time to reflect within yourself. What do YOU want? I'm sure your wife is not happy down deep, knowing her husband is in love with another woman. And you're not happy down deep for the same reason. People can't go thru life pretending to be happy. Just be true to yourself.

I had an opportunity to go back with my H . He has made a lot of changes since our separation. I would be more financially comfortable. The family would be back together. I love him, I care for him...but I won't do it. Why? Because I'm not in love with him. My MM sounds like you. Its hard, I know.

[livingon]

Yes, life is short, when you are in a long marriage with kids, it tears your heart to break away. You are no longer in love with your wife, and it really takes a lot of courage to get out of this relationship.

 

It is a misery to get trapped, because you choose to be in, not willing to move out and give a new chance to be with the other woman whom you are in love with. I am in your shoes, and I know how we are going through.

 

Outsider may call us whatever they want, whether we want to make the change, it really will cause a big impact to our family and our extended families.

[Babs22]

Yes, life is short, when you are in a long marriage with kids, it tears your heart to break away. You are no longer in love with your wife, and it really takes a lot of courage to get out of this relationship.

It is a misery to get trapped, because you choose to be in, not willing to move out and give a new chance to be with the other woman whom you are in love with. I am in your shoes, and I know how we are going through.

 

Outsider may call us whatever they want, whether we want to make the change, it really will cause a big impact to our family and our extended families.

 

Lesson2ya, I am also in a similar situation. Married 18 years, fell in love with a MM. I was very close to leaving my H, when my 16 year old son started having serious mental health issues (bipolar, depression, anxiety). That was over a year ago. Things for my son are only slightly better and so we both stay. I am not in love with my husband. I am in love with MM, he is not planning on leaving his W. I need to move on, for me. It is very difficult to keep living here with my H. He isn't happy and neither am I.

 

It will take a lot of courage and I know I most likely will be on my own when I do leave. No soft spot for me to land, but I need to do what I feel is right. I can not manufacture feelings for my H that are not there.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

[Lesson2ya]

My W wants to make a go of it and states she still loves me etc I do not doubt this. Things have changed and I have changed. I am not sure how I feel to be honest, I have a chance to give home a go but it has not been right for a long time and we have simply grown apart. I have caused the OW so much damage that I am not sure she trusts me even though I do still love her so she may not be there for me anyway. I need NC with the OW 100% and see how I feel I think, I have not been fair to anyone (such is the nature of affairs). Me and my W do not fight or argue and have two beautiful teenage children its just that the spontaneous love is not there and because I had this with the OW I am not prepared to go back to a marriage that lacked the love that should be there. I am scared to make the decision to leave perhaps rightly so but if I do it will be for myself not chasing the OW but will need some talking and thinking through. I can only deal with the present.

 

Looking at some of the replies there are some long term married people in the same position and I am pretty sure the length of time in the marriage makes this so much harder.

Edited June 28, 2015 by Lesson2ya

[OWAmy]

My story is similar to yours - almost identical, only mine has been going on far longer.

 

I am the OW and I can tell you the hardest thing of all is being in limbo. Will he stay, will he leave. It is the not knowing. Seriously if mine stays I will move on. He will not have the opportunity to change his mind in the future or re-start an affair.

 

As an OW you know that MM should choose to leave his marriage because he wants to leave his marriage and not for you.

 

I think MM know that the OW has an opportunity to start afresh with a new man for all the right reasons and leave the affair behind. That she could find someone new and have a whole relationship with them.

 

On the other hand if MM chooses to stay in his marriage there may always be a part of him that mourns the 'what could have been' that will likely not stay with the OW that long. If you choose to stay OW is forced to make changes, move on and we will do that!

 

Seriously you have hurt your OW, like I have been hurt. As a MM you have been more selfish and had your own interests take precedent over her's. Of course she will still love you, still hurt but that will lift in time because she will believe she was not good enough for you; that you didn't love her enough and then eventually she will realise that you were not enough for her either.

 

As for your wife, she is also now in limbo, but that's a whole different story and I'll leave that for someone else to comment on.

[HappyAgain2014]

[quote name='Lesson2ya' post='6287936']My W wants to make a go of it and states she still loves me etc I do not doubt this. Things have changed and I have changed. I am not sure how I feel to be honest, I have a chance to give home a go but it has not been right for a long time and we have simply grown apart. I have caused the OW so much damage that I am not sure she trusts me even though I do still love her so she may not be there for me anyway. I need NC with the OW 100% and see how I feel I think, I have not been fair to anyone (such is the nature of affairs). Me and my W do not fight or argue and have two beautiful teenage children its just that the spontaneous love is not there and because I had this with the OW I am not prepared to go back to a marriage that lacked the love that should be there. I am scared to make the decision to leave perhaps rightly so but if I do it will be for myself not chasing the OW but will need some talking and thinking through. I can only deal with the present. Looking at some of the replies there are some long term married people in the same position and I am pretty sure the length of time in the marriage makes this so much harder.[/QUOTE] You should stay with your wife or move out alone. Don't make this contingent on your former OW. Remember.... You're responsible for what happens, not what you intended. You didn't want to hurt your wife or OW yet you have. I still think you're focusing on yourself and that's a big problem that will inevitably cause either option (stay with wife or go to OW) to fail. It may not be intentional, but if you get the guarantee from the OW that you seem to equate with the courage to leave, you'll also burden her with your guilt and sense of sacrifice. You'll be thinking and maybe saying... Look what I gave up for you. That's not her burden, it's yours. Conversely, if you stay with your wife, you'll be thinking .... I gave up the love of my life for you out of a sense of duty. Reality is you're being selfish. I'm not saying that to be mean or hostile. Simply, you're thinking about yourself. Considering your best interests is fine but I've yet to read anything about the two women you claim to love with regard to their needs and your ability to commit to meeting those needs. Re read your posts. It's all about the effect each choice will have on you. You are not in a position to GIVE anything to either of these women. You're just TAKING so either option will fail. My advice.... Consider what you know and take this in steps. You don't love your wife in a way that fulfills you. That's not fair to her. Show her enough respect to be honest and move out. Get divorced and then see if the OW is interested. I seriously doubt you'll do this because you are used to being the man in the middle with two women. My advice means you have nothing other than honest and respectful actions that put them first by you removing yourself to make yourself a better man. Again, not intending to sound harsh but right now you have nothing to give. Change that first. I told my xMM a few times when he acted like a sacrificing martyr ...."You might be carrying the cross but I'm not picking up the other end." That's not selfish on my part. It was a healthy acknowledgement of his cowardly behavior.

Edited June 28, 2015 by HappyAgain2014

[minimariah]

I am not sure how I feel to be honest, I have a chance to give home a go but it has not been right for a long time and we have simply grown apart.

 

how long did you know the OW before you entered an A with her?

 

and what was the state of your marriage like before the OW/A - as in, how was your sex life with your W, communication, openeness, honesty, intimacy...?

 

you said that you have grown apart - how did you exactly grown apart and did you ever acknowledged it before the A and tried to deal with it?

[endingpage]

I think, that for your sake, your wife's sake, and the OW's sake, you should leave your OW alone. Don't hurt any more people. This is your mess to figure out and the kindest thing you can do is stop thinking selfishly. You either work on your marriage 100% or leave 100%. I'm sure it is hard but you cannot waver anymore. No one -- not your wife or your OW -- should be your fallback plan.

[Satu]

Love doesn't hurt, but some forms of attachment do.

[veryhappy]

So...nothing changed in the last 4 months, right? Still keeping the OW fresh as an option while you say you want NC, still talking yourself into this marriage rekindling and giving it your all, but that doesn't happen.

 

 

 

 

You are not the type to end up with your OW, so do her a favor, stop leading her on and LET HER LIVE. As far as your marriage goes, you're probably a lip service guy. You'll be waiting around for your wife to be doing what you liked in your OW and not really change much yourself.

 

 

If your OW doesn't cut the cord you'll be in the same spot, whining, years from now.

[Tullyseptember]

Lessons have have you considered counselling? You sound to be in a lot of turmoil with your thoughts going in too many different directions. If you start the work to help yourself you may have a clearer mind on where your marriage actually stands. Your wife will need to be part of this though and should know exactly how conflicted you really are. Also remember you are showing your teenage children how to behave and what to expect in their own relationships when the time comes for them to be in a relationship. Would you really want them to be with someone who struggles to be with them. That is a sad thought and very sad that you are in that place with your wife. No contact would be very beneficial to you to start this process otherwise the stress of this situation will bring on health problems on top of relationship problems:(

Edited June 29, 2015 by Tullyseptember
Missed word

[Confused48]

Yes, life is short, when you are in a long marriage with kids, it tears your heart to break away. You are no longer in love with your wife, and it really takes a lot of courage to get out of this relationship.

 

I think it is the opposite of courageous to walk away from a long term marriage with young children. Especially when the BS expresses continuing love for the WS.

 

It does take a lot of courage to try to fix a marriage after an affair.

 

Lessons, I think you (and many others posting on this thread) are addicted to the infatuation stage of a relationship. It is very hard to have that feeling in a long term marriage with young children.

 

Very hard but not impossible. I think you should tell your BS that this is something you NEED. If she loves you and you love her, then the two of you will be able to get there. I mean full, on head over heels, infatuation love.

 

You won't be there all the time. You won't get there as easily as with a new partner. But you can get there with your BS. I speak from experience.

[OldRover]

My W wants to make a go of it and states she still loves me etc I do not doubt this. Things have changed and I have changed. I am not sure how I feel to be honest, I have a chance to give home a go but it has not been right for a long time and we have simply grown apart. I have caused the OW so much damage that I am not sure she trusts me even though I do still love her so she may not be there for me anyway. I need NC with the OW 100% and see how I feel I think, I have not been fair to anyone (such is the nature of affairs). Me and my W do not fight or argue and have two beautiful teenage children its just that the spontaneous love is not there and because I had this with the OW I am not prepared to go back to a marriage that lacked the love that should be there. I am scared to make the decision to leave perhaps rightly so but if I do it will be for myself not chasing the OW but will need some talking and thinking through. I can only deal with the present.

 

Looking at some of the replies there are some long term married people in the same position and I am pretty sure the length of time in the marriage makes this so much harder.

 

Lesson,

 

I can relate somewhat, because I had a long term marriage... but a little bit different on the ending. We were doomed, without a doubt, about 2 years before the divorce, and there was no doubt that the end was coming.

 

I got into a relationship with an OW long after the decision to divorce, and she was for emotional support for almost a year before we got really close. I knew we would pursue each other to another level after separation and divorce and we did. The decision was easy. There were no kids involved.

 

However, I never hated my wife and always had a care for her, a love that would last forever, but we weren't "in love", and the emotions had long before faded away. The divorce went fine.

 

Anyway, the OW didn't work out well, after living with her for a year. I thought I'd be on my own for awhile, but knew the ex wife would allow me to live in the home for awhile, which I did. We did reestablish a deep friendship and I'm hoping will last.

 

=====

Your situation is a bit different....

First, from what you say, it appears that your wife has never stopped loving you. Perhaps there was something she did or didn't do that helped your desire for the OW... we don't know that. Seems like whatever happened, you just "fell out of love", probably from the two of you now working on a good, positive and loving relationship.

 

Second, you have kids, that will be affected no matter what you end up doing.

 

Third, the OW was a relatively short term....6 mo and 2 or 3 times a week is just barely an introduction, and that won't be really too hard to get over and forget.

 

And, unlike some of the posts here you DO have something to offer either one of these women, whom ever you end up with. You have the capability to love, support and be by their side.

 

From Confused48: (infatuation stage of love) "Very hard but not impossible. I think you should tell your BS that this is something you NEED. If she loves you and you love her, then the two of you will be able to get there. I mean full, on head over heels, infatuation love." That is TRUE, you can get that kind of love from your wife... will take some work, but chances are it's there.

 

I don't believe you're a coward at all, you are just confused but need to come to a serious decision that you'll live with.

 

Overall, from what you say, I'd bet your chances of a reestablished loving relationship with your wife has a FAR BETTER success rate than with the OW, regardless of what your heart says. Leaving your wife and kids will be VERY EMOTIONALLY difficult, and could take some time, and you'll have to try to keep some good relationship with your kids. They may or may not understand. That will be hard. Your OW may have issues during the time you're going thru the divorce, and it could be serious issues. Your OW may have issues after the divorce and now demand more from you that you expected. Statistically, your success with the OW is about 5%.... certainly not an easy task.

 

I could argue get some good counseling, if you can, and make a decision and stick with it. (Doesn't mean it can't change, but certainly not the goal). Whom ever you go with, do it 100% and be fair with the other.

 

With an affair, someone always gets hurt, and often all three, and some really go thru some serious pain. And, often, all three contribute something to the cause of the affair, (but we don't know what your wife did, if anything). The pain, emotions and stress aren't much different that dating... when you have a serious relationship and one party looks for companionship outside the relationship..... but being married with kids is MUCH more serious.

 

Best of luck to you. Try to get some help, and stand strong and supportive on your choices.

[kieraglass]

Lesson, I'm of the mindset that what's gone can't be rekindled. I was married for ten years, and though we were friends, I never loved him the way I did my AP. I honestly don't think people can feel what they feel for an AP, that stark, bright love, whether it's real or just delusion as some say, and then find that, after cutting it off, with the spouse. I really don't. I wish I did.

 

I feel you need to set up a life for yourself and see if OW will come back. Don't use her as a fallback. Be strong, be authentic, and be real, to yourself and your wife and the OW. Someone is using me as a fallback right now after three years waffling and it's devastating. I left my marriage thirteen months ago after a two year A- very in love. He has stayed, and I've continued to be with him. It's broken me to my core.

 

Give the OW and your BS the respect they deserve, and follow your heart.

 

Just my two cents.

[Lois_Griffin]

We have now agreed to have some space mostly for her. Every time I see her or even just text it lifts me up, but no more.

So your so-called "NC" with the OW isn't out of respect to your wife and marriage or out of a desire to work on your marriage and earn the forgiveness your wife has chosen to gift you with. It's because the OW doesn't want you bothering her so she can move on.

 

So, I need to ask you. Do you EVER think of anyone other than yourself? Do you EVER think of anyone else's needs aside from your own?

 

Ever?

 

Go spend a couple hours reading one of the more popular infidelity message boards out there. Go read posts from betrayed spouses who often claim that the most devastating and paralyzing thing for them wasn't the affair, but the continued LIES and FALSE RECONCILIATION that their cheating spouses subjected them to for sometimes YEARS after D-Day.

 

Do you think your wife would be happy to know all the hard work she's about to invest into forgiving you and reconciling with you for the next couple of years is really just going to be one colossal waste of her time because you're not invested in her or the marriage? Do you honestly think that after already devastating her and blowing her world to bits, you have ANY right at all to now drag her through some dog and pony show, setting her up yet AGAIN for another fall - and all so you can keep your family because you don't have the friggen spine to do the right thing?

 

Shame on you.

[Lesson2ya]

Just to say thank you for the messages and just to give some answers to questions. My W and I grew apart from a physical and intimacy aspect and also social aspect, we have a different set of friends. We stopped going out as a couple without realising it, may be due to child care etc. We never spoke about the issues in our marriage until post affair.

 

My AP I was friends with first on an irregular basis seeing her on nights out etc she lived in the same village and we would often share a taxi home. We began flirting which led to a serious affair and all in all I knew her for about 18 months and towards the end it was very serious and yes she was giving me the things that were missing from my marriage. The last 6 months I was addicted to her and tried to see her as often as possible. Yes I understand I should have been far more open and discussed my issues with my W first.

 

I have kept NC but this has started fairly recently and this is for everyone's sake, I realise the affect I was having on my wife and also my AP. I have realised I am going nowhere, feeling sorry for myself and not truly taking into account the feelings of others, affairs by their nature are selfish.

 

My W states she loves me and wants to start again but we are on different pages. I cannot give her the physical love she requires if my brain is not ready to and I hope that if I keep NC and give my home life 100% it has a chance.

 

I know now I was trying to deal with too many aspects, trying to get my AP back, still living at home. I was in absolute turmoil, giving up love is so difficult and then watch them move on but they had every right to. Whatever I do it must be for me (considering others) and not have fall backs etc. I need to be honest with myself and my marriage as the reason I had an affair was due to issues in my marriage I or we never tackled. My AP left her marriage for herself before we got very serious with each other perhaps a lesson there. I have been in some very dark places not knowing which way to go and was physically a mess for a while. I do realise the impact this has had on other people and I am not out of the woods mentally but I know I need to move forward now. Thank you some very good advice has been given and I am grateful to everyone who has taken the time to post.

Edited July 5, 2015 by Lesson2ya

[OldRover]

So your so-called "NC" with the OW isn't out of respect to your wife and marriage or out of a desire to work on your marriage and earn the forgiveness your wife has chosen to gift you with. It's because the OW doesn't want you bothering her so she can move on.

 

So, I need to ask you. Do you EVER think of anyone other than yourself? Do you EVER think of anyone else's needs aside from your own?

 

Ever?

 

Go spend a couple hours reading one of the more popular infidelity message boards out there. Go read posts from betrayed spouses who often claim that the most devastating and paralyzing thing for them wasn't the affair, but the continued LIES and FALSE RECONCILIATION that their cheating spouses subjected them to for sometimes YEARS after D-Day.

 

Do you think your wife would be happy to know all the hard work she's about to invest into forgiving you and reconciling with you for the next couple of years is really just going to be one colossal waste of her time because you're not invested in her or the marriage? Do you honestly think that after already devastating her and blowing her world to bits, you have ANY right at all to now drag her through some dog and pony show, setting her up yet AGAIN for another fall - and all so you can keep your family because you don't have the friggen spine to do the right thing?

 

Shame on you.

 

Lois,

 

You might add that if the wife put that hard work in before the affair happened, it may have not happened. There are reasons for affairs, and often involve three people, and that's pretty clear in this case. All have blame, if you're going to start throwing blame around. The "spine" could have come from anyone to do the right thing. But to prevent affairs, the married couple has to work as a team, and that didn't happen.

 

I'm not giving excuses for the op, I'm giving reasons.

 

Now the OP has posted his situation and looking for help. I'd argue that he can re kindle a loving relationship with his wife and that's the best choice. Forget the OW and make a strong effort to put that behind. Right now he's in limbo, not knowing which way to go. If he can't take care of himself, he will have a hard time taking care of any woman.

[Lesson2ya]

Oldrover you are right in the term "limbo". I am in this position and need to get out of it. I have 2 options, stay at home or leave. I realise the AP is now not part of the equation and I exhausted myself physically and mentally for 3 months chasing memories and trying to get back with her to create a soft landing that I may not have been ready for anyway as I was still living at home. There is no perfect timing. Unless I sort myself out first in whichever path I choose then I cannot help anyone.

 

In terms of what I have said to my wife is that if we cannot find the love we had it will be over, nothing spineless about that as I certainly do not want to go through this again or put anyone else through it. I have done this the wrong way round but things evolve and take time to realise the position I am in.

Edited July 5, 2015 by Lesson2ya

[Arieswoman]

Lesson2ya,

 

While this is the situation;

 

Problem is I still love my OW more than my wife and think about her everyday but the chances of me being with the OW are I guess over or at best slim.

 

There is no hope for repairing your marriage.

 

The best thing you can do is move out and heal from your affair.

 

I hope you tell the wife the truth and tell her soon.

 

I was a BS and (unbeknown to me) my husband stayed with me when he no longer loved me because he was waiting for his AP to give up her fiance.

As others have said, it's not just the affair that hurts, it's the lying and being used as a convenience that rips at your soul.

 

You owe it to the mother of your children to be honest.

[Arieswoman]

Lesson2ya,

 

While this is the situation;

 

Problem is I still love my OW more than my wife and think about her everyday but the chances of me being with the OW are I guess over or at best slim.

 

There is no hope for repairing your marriage.

 

The best thing you can do is move out and heal from your affair.

 

I hope you tell your wife the truth and tell her soon.

 

I was a BS and (unbeknown to me) my husband stayed with me when he no longer loved me because he was waiting for his AP to give up her fiance.

As others have said, it's not just the affair that hurts, it's the lying and being used as a convenience that rips at your soul.

 

You owe it to the mother of your children to be honest.

[OldRover]

Lesson2ya,

 

While this is the situation;

 

 

 

There is no hope for repairing your marriage.

 

The best thing you can do is move out and heal from your affair.

 

I hope you tell the wife the truth and tell her soon.

 

I was a BS and (unbeknown to me) my husband stayed with me when he no longer loved me because he was waiting for his AP to give up her fiance.

As others have said, it's not just the affair that hurts, it's the lying and being used as a convenience that rips at your soul.

 

You owe it to the mother of your children to be honest.

 

Aries,

 

Yes, I agree, the lying and being used does rip one apart.

 

As for saving the marriage, I'd bet it could be fixed 100%, and I'm all for it. I believe the OP has told his wife about the affair (she obviously knows), and she has expressed a desire to fix things. I believe the OP can fix things.... it will take time, and the OW will have to turn into a thing of the past, which CAN happen.

 

With the proper attitude and tools and help the marriage can be brought back together better than ever.

 

We'll see.

[Lesson2ya]

I confessed to my wife regarding the A about 3 months ago and gave it up physically but never mentally and still have not in a way even though it is not an option. As much as my AP had come to the end and gave me an ultimatum which finished it, I was also fed up of lying and saying where I was going etc.

 

I am at home still but not feeling great tbh mentally and not sure I am ready to move on right now. I have my children at home and it is fairly stable but things cannot be undone and I still need to try and find a way forward with my W. I need to find the love and intimacy which will be the most difficult aspect of reconciliation. Without the mind the physical stuff will not work. I feel very much under pressure which makes it worse. Will definitely consider counselling.