OldRover Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I confessed to my wife regarding the A about 3 months ago and gave it up physically but never mentally and still have not in a way even though it is not an option. As much as my AP had come to the end and gave me an ultimatum which finished it, I was also fed up of lying and saying where I was going etc. I am at home still but not feeling great tbh mentally and not sure I am ready to move on right now. I have my children at home and it is fairly stable but things cannot be undone and I still need to try and find a way forward with my W. I need to find the love and intimacy which will be the most difficult aspect of reconciliation. Without the mind the physical stuff will not work. I feel very much under pressure which makes it worse. Will definitely consider counselling. Lesson, You're right, things WILL be difficult, but I'll bet it will be worth it. You will have to play a mental game with yourself a bit and totally convince yourself that the OW is totally out of the picture, no matter what. That could take a month or two... or six months, but doubt much longer, but will be worth it. You will need a support team... your wife for starters.... She needs to know that you truly, without a question, that you really want to rebuild things. And you can, to the point where it's passionate... maybe even better than when you first met. That's totally possible, and very much worth the effort. You may want a counselor, if you can find a good one.... you may want a GOOD friend or two (male). And you may find some good sites and/or books that work. I'd recommend 5 Love Languages. There are many other that address solving marital issues. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Oldrover you are right in the term "limbo". I am in this position and need to get out of it. I have 2 options, stay at home or leave. I realise the AP is now not part of the equation and I exhausted myself physically and mentally for 3 months chasing memories and trying to get back with her to create a soft landing that I may not have been ready for anyway as I was still living at home. There is no perfect timing. Unless I sort myself out first in whichever path I choose then I cannot help anyone. In terms of what I have said to my wife is that if we cannot find the love we had it will be over, nothing spineless about that as I certainly do not want to go through this again or put anyone else through it. I have done this the wrong way round but things evolve and take time to realise the position I am in. This is a very mature way to handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 gave it up physically but never mentally and still have not This is why you are still in such pain. You are still allowing yourself to think about her in an obsessive infatuation way. Stop. I know you can not stop random thoughts coming up about her and the "what if," that kind of thing. Those thoughts will come up. The trick is to not dwell on them. When they do come up be aware of the split second when you give yourself permission to let your mind go and dwell on the thoughts. You can stop if you want and then the thoughts will come less and less often. And your pain will diminish as well. I know this works. I used this advice (from a counselor) to stop obsessing about my experience as a BS. It only works if you want it to though. I kept it up for a while, experienced the benefits of it, then stopped. I'm back to absolute misery as a result. I hope for your sake you are stronger than I. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Ten characters. Link to post Share on other sites
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