Hmmm Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I'm a member here but don't want to post as "myself"... Need your advice. I am married, have been for some years. I met a guy at a basketball game a couple months ago - he took a few digital pictures of me and my friends and then memorized my email address so he could send them to me. We have been talking through emails ever since. I know this would p*ss off my husband, and rightfully so I guess since he doesn't know about it. He knows he sent pictures, but not that the emails continue... I have no attraction to this guy, he's just really nice & extremely funny, and I have just gotten comfortable emailing him. I hardly remember what he even looks like, except that he quite a few years older than me. I swear, no attraction. He knows I am married; I talk about my husband a lot. He has said once or twice that it would be easier to instant message eash other, but I told him I can't do that because that would be too deceitful in my opinion. There may be some 'wishing' on his part, but he understands my situation & where I stand, and he likes just emailing. If there were some attraction to him then it'd totally obvious that I shouldn't be doing this, but since I truly just consider him an email buddy, how horrible is what I am doing? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 WARNING...DANGER...DANGER... Any time you feel the urge to hide it from your husband, it is your warning sign that you shouldn't be doing it. You're a longtime LS poster, so I am sure you know what I am talking about. ...how horrible is what I am doing? Well...what's your horribleness scale? How bad does something have to be before you tell yourself STOP??? There's nosepicking and then there's genocide. You're somewhere in between... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Seems like you're saying to yourself "Why not e-mail with this guy, I don't like him anyway." But your quesiton should be "Why SHOULD I be e-mailing with this guy." -It WOULD upset your husband. -It could grow into something romantic. -It is taking time out of your life where you could be with your husband or thinking about nice things to do for him or working on your marriage. I'd say nip it in the bud right now. My bf and I decided on our definition of cheating. --- something you would NOT do when your SO is in the room. Since you would not do this openly in front of your husband, that indicates there is something wrong with it. So stop. Also, think about what you are getting out of this. (attention?) And figure out another way to get it. Marriages last because people take preventative steps. They constantly work on their marriages. They don't sidetrack themselves into relationships that interfere with their marriage. And they don't hide things from their partner. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Yeah, I'd say your urge to hide it is the more important issue. You have the makings of an emotional affair here, so I'm not sure it matters whether you're physically attracted. Link to post Share on other sites
Hmmm Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Emotional affair, really? I too use that same principal of knowing whether or not something is okay of you can do it with your SO in the room, well, except for this issue, that is. That's because he would blow it out of proportion... So what do I say to my new friend? This may sound bad, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. After all, I have been talking to him for several months now, so I'm sure he'll be wondering why the change of heart... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Its pretty apparent its the attention you like, knowing that someone desires you - even when that desire isn't implicitly stated. I expect you get that faint hot, guilty 'butterflies' feeling every-time you check your email. You may not be attracted to the guy, but you are being seduced all the same. Email/IM allows for maximum imagination with minimum 'real life' hassles. The ache of unrealized emotional passion - it sounds corny, but this email affair could be like extended foreplay that leaves you emotionally horny all the time. Does that mean you are going to bang this guy? Nah, not necessarily - I expect its more the idea of that unspoken desire that turns you on. Its illicit, exciting, gives you a break from the 'real life' drone, all that stuff. Basically, a lead-up to a really hot emotional affair. Your body isn't cheating, but I expect as this goes on, your husband will begin to look more ordinary. Dull. Good old dependable husband. But those emails... those will fire you up. Banging the flesh and blood guy would ruin the fantasy, and real life would set in and mess it up. If its kept entirely this way, you can yearn for someone who doesn't really exist for you (which is probably why you don't feel too terribly much guilt - because you know that you aren't going to take it to the next level - at least not now.) Sometimes its not the physical affair we want, its just wanting someone to want you. To know that objectively (outside of the husband who is 'supposed' to want you), someone wants you. Sometimes 'affairs' like this never go outside the realm of fantasy, and never get further than electronic interaction. Is it any less harmful? Nope. Why? Because what you are having your affair with is a lot harder to overcome: you aren't having an affair with a flesh and blood guy with faults and foibles - you are having this 'affair' with an incredibly idealized version of him built up through your fantasies, your hopes... Your husband will fall by the wayside in lieu of a guy in your heart that doesn't even really exist as a real person. Its deeply harmful to a marriage, even if 'nothing happens'. I'm sure Owl would be able to confirm that, as he was victim to that very thing. but since I truly just consider him an email buddy, how horrible is what I am doing? He may be just an 'email buddy' to you, but you may be a whole lot more than that to him. Right now its in the 'harmless' zone for you, but there's no telling how into it this guy is. He could be on the other end thinking that you two have something more than you do. This may sound bad, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. After all, I have been talking to him for several months now, so I'm sure he'll be wondering why the change of heart... I think that this is reasoning to try to keep this going. Why would it be so hard to let him go? Because I expect already by this point, you are looking at the alternatives and finding them lacking in comparison to this email interaction you have going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Originally posted by HoldOn Seems like you're saying to yourself "Why not e-mail with this guy, I don't like him anyway." But your quesiton should be "Why SHOULD I be e-mailing with this guy." -It WOULD upset your husband. -It could grow into something romantic. -It is taking time out of your life where you could be with your husband or thinking about nice things to do for him or working on your marriage. I'd say nip it in the bud right now. My bf and I decided on our definition of cheating. --- something you would NOT do when your SO is in the room. Since you would not do this openly in front of your husband, that indicates there is something wrong with it. So stop. Also, think about what you are getting out of this. (attention?) And figure out another way to get it. Marriages last because people take preventative steps. They constantly work on their marriages. They don't sidetrack themselves into relationships that interfere with their marriage. And they don't hide things from their partner. Ditto from me... Link to post Share on other sites
Hmmm Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 LB - Me wondering how I should go about cutting it off truly is NOT me reasoning to keep it going. I am fine ending our emails, really I am, but I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know what he'll experience when I tell him "no more", because like you said, this could be more to him than it does to me. Maybe it would seem to you guys that I should just block his emails right now & call it good, but to me that seems so harsh, so I am looking for a better way to do it. What do I say? Be totally honest and explain that I just decided it wasn't in the best interest of the 'marriage' to continue emailing, or just say whatever would be easier for him to hear so he doesn't feel dismissed? This is not a position I ever intended to be in. I don't know what I though this would ever come to, but I do realize that the longer it goes on the harder it will be to break off, and if not for me then for him. Please help me get unstuck.... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 So what do I say to my new friend? This may sound bad, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. After all, I have been talking to him for several months now, so I'm sure he'll be wondering why the change of heart... Ah, who cares. He's not your husband or your bf and you've never even been on a date with him. Just say "Hey, I don't think we should e-mail anymore. I should concentrate on my relationship with my husband. Have a nice life!" Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 You don't really have to say anything. Just let his emails pile up a little. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius You don't really have to say anything. Just let his emails pile up a little. That would work too. but I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know what he'll experience when I tell him "no more", because like you said, this could be more to him than it does to me. Boo hoo. I feel so sorry for this guy who is trying to go after another man's wife. I'm crying. Seriously, you're overestimating your effect on him. What? Do you think he's going to fling himself off a building or something cuz his e-mail buddy won't write back? He'll be fine. No more excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
Hmmm Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 What? Do you think he's going to fling himself off a building or something cuz his e-mail buddy won't write back? Lol I don't think that. I guess I just feel it's gonna come across as a little harsh no matter what I say since I've written him for this long then all of a sudden * poof! * I'm gone. Oh well... I am the one that put myself in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I'd say- Listen, while I really enjoy our e mails, it seems deceitful to go behind my husband's back and do this. I should be having this type of communication with him and not with someone else. While I haven't actually done anything wrong, I want to prevent doing so so this will be the last of our communications. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 What do I say? Be totally honest and explain that I just decided it wasn't in the best interest of the 'marriage' to continue emailing exactly. That you've enjoyed corresponding, but it's starting to make you feel uncomfortable to remain doing so, and out of respect for your marriage, the emails stop now. you don't have to justify your decision, you don't need to make him feel better about not being his e-pal anymore; he should get the picture clearly. If he considers himself any kind of friend, he'll stop emailing you because it's the right thing to do ... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Why don't you just be honest with him? Tell him you're having some guilt and are not sure having a relationship of any sort with another guy, especially one you feel compelled to hide, is a good idea. Tell him you really think he's a great guy, but he should find some other married woman to connect with. You're saving it for the guy who counts. Or whatever the truth is. Link to post Share on other sites
SixthSt.Girl Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I'm not in agreement with the other posters - you should be able to be in contact with friends of the opposite sex. You said you don't have any attraction to him, and you rarely see him. Your husband shouldn't expect you to cut off all ties to other men. If so, that sounds like prison, not marriage. This is a big reason why I'm not into marriage at this time, personally - I have friends in similar situations who don't feel like they can go to lunch or hang out with male friends, even if it's an old college friend they rarely see. I would never have this problem, because even if I did manage to get myself locked into a commitment (Heaven forbid!), I'm a very open person who would tell him exactly what I'm doing. If he had a problem with it, tough luck. I'm not going to stop my life just because of a wedding band. I feel for you, and others who are in these insane marriages. It's interesting to hear about... ETA: I would continue to email him if that's what you want, but tell your husband. Test him. If you have a good relationship, he should trust you and be fine with it. If he goes off, he's either not trusting of you - maybe you've given him reason to doubt you before (?), or he's being obsessive and a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Sixth ST- Do you know what an emotional affair is? Are you familiar with how they work, or how they typically start? There is nothing wrong with having an opposite sex friend...but there is EVERYTHING wrong with having any type of communication or relationship with an opposite sex friend that you would not share with your spouse. Anyone who is married or in a relationship has to have boundaries when it comes to dealing with opposite sex friends. Because if you don't, its entirely too easy for the lines of friendship to be crossed (ESPECIALLY when they're blurry) into something else. If marriage isn't your bag, then that is fine. If you don't want a committed relationship with someone, then it's fine to deal with your opposite sex friends however you like. And a person who IS married doesn't "stop their life because of a wedding band"...they agree to SHARE that life with their partner. And that means that there are things that should NOT be shared with anyone else. That includes intimacy...not just physical, but emotional as well. So, I'm of the opinion that you should end your contact with this guy completely, Hmmm. If you don't, then you're taking a risk with your happiness, and your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
SixthSt.Girl Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 [color=green]but there is EVERYTHING wrong with having any type of communication or relationship with an opposite sex friend that you would not share with your spouse.[/color] That is why I suggested she share it with her spouse - that way, it's not a secret anymore! The reason why she's hiding it is because she thinks he won't approve, yet she doesn't see a problem with it herself. I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to email a friend once in awhile - "emotional affair" is nonsense. Plus, if she tells him, it will be out in the open, not anything close to an affair. As long as it's not interfering with the relationship w/her spouse, there shouldn't be a problem. My guess is she's afraid to tell him because he'll spaz - which, in that case, there is a problem that has nothing to do with email buddy.... Link to post Share on other sites
Hmmm Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Hey thanks for all the input everyone. I actually haven't told him yet that I don't think we should email anymore. What I did tell him is that I was going to run it by my IC to see what he has to say about the whole scenario. Maybe I'm just looking to blame someone else so I don't look like a bad guy, I dunno. It's hard for me because I don't want to hurt his feelings, and by feelings I'm simply referring to his interest in talking with me (emailing). He's well aware I am married, I talk about my husband all the time. He's not trying to get me to go out with him or anything. It's just talking, but I can understand there could be some concern about emotional affairs starting off this way. SixthSt.Girl - yes, my husband would spaz if he knew, and I doubt telling him would ever make him comfortable with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Sixth ST- Read my post over on the infidelity board here. Read the one by Sysyphus too. Head over to marriagebuilders.com and read up the posts there by Cardsonly, and 2BNormal while you're at it. Then tell me again about how an 'emotional affair is nonsense'. They're VERY real. With the internet, they're happening FAR more often than people realize. And they are every bit as devestating to a marriage as if it had been a physical relationship (although a huge percentage of them DO turn into PA's as well). Don't underestimate the power of sharing feelings and thoughts and dreams with someone. Take it from someone who's wife nearly left him for someone she'd NEVER met in person. Read my posts, and then come back here and think about the advice I've given. It's one thing to have opposite sex friends that you can pour your heart out to when you're single, but it's entirely different when you're in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
phillygirl63 Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 I have to tell you all how impressed I am by all of your comments and opinions! It's refreshing to know there are people who exist with such high moral standards regarding marriage! I gotta tell you that when I read the initial post from hmmmm I thought "oh what the hell, she's not attracted to him what does it harm?" but then after reading all the posts from you guys I had a complete change of heart! You are absolutely right when you say that if you can't tell your husband about it then you shouldn't be doing it (that, of course, doesn't include clothes shopping, right?) Link to post Share on other sites
Fester Lungblood Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Listen Hmmm, i am a man with a similar female email friend. We write, I compliment her, tell her she's beautiful, etc. She doesn't seem to want a romantic entanglement with me but that IS my goal, and I hang in there with the bait set out hoping that one day she'll take it. That's what your guy is doing. You really want him gone..just say your husband wants you to stope emailing other men. Done. Link to post Share on other sites
Hmmm Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Thanks for all your replies everyone. I have not told him yet that we need to stop emailing, but I did tell him that I planned on asking my IC what he thought about this situation, even though I think I know what he will have to say about it. Perhaps I am just looking for someone else to blame in order to break off contact, I dunno. It's a hard thing to do, at least for me. I'm the type of person who has a hard time saying "no" anyway, so telling him that we can't talk anymore seems so harsh. I know, I know - I don't owe him anything, but that part of me who justifies our emails just keeps saying "What's the bid damn deal? You don't 'like' him, he's just a nice, funny guy." But then the other part of me jumps in with "Yes, but he's a nice guy who is, after all, emailing a married woman. <sigh> Fester - He said when he met me he unsuccesfully tried to see if there was a ring on my finger. Once I told him I am married he apologized and backed off, and we just decided to keep emailing because it's kinda fun. (Remember - I only gave him my email address so he could send pictures) So, that being said, do you really think he's trying to draw me in rather than just having an friendly conversation? Am I just being naive? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by Hmmm yes, my husband would spaz if he knew, and I doubt telling him would ever make him comfortable with it. This is all you need to know. If you know that your husband would NOT like the conversation, or any of this, THEN WHY IN THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IT?!?!?! Do you love your husband??? Do you really want to hurt him??? Or do you just not give a darn about his feelings or how this would affect your M??? Think about this. It really is just that simple. Really. There's no gray area here. Not at all. You're doing something that you know your husband would be hurt and upset by. You're doing something that you would be hurt by if your husband did it to you. 'nuff said. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Am I just being naive? Yep, he is after you, babe. Link to post Share on other sites
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