Newgirl Posted March 15, 2001 Share Posted March 15, 2001 Dear everyone, Newgirl again with a new twist to my previous problem: I am with my boyfriend of three years still, and lately things haven't been real great. So I have a thing for a guy in one of my art classes, and he seems to like me. Here's the thing: he told me last night that he has a girlfriend, yet it didn't seem too serious. So now I am just a mess. I love my boyfriend, yet I am sooo tempted right now. The guy I like is everything I want in a guy: sensitive, artistic, individual, his life is not determined by TV shows, etc. My boyfriend has lots of great qualities, many of which I feel are quite important, yet this new interest is tearing me apart. He said that his girlfriend doesn't mind him hanging out with female friends, she is very trusting. He said to me in an e- mail that he finds me attractive and would try not to be tempted if we went out. Now that sounds like an invitation to me. Is it cheating on my boyfriend if I go out for a coffee with this guy who I have more than a platonic interest in? Am I just asking for trouble or what? TONY, you replied to me before that it sounds like I should try to go out with this guy. Now that you have this new info, what do you think? I am desperate for an objective opinion. ANYONE help me please! Thanks. Newgirl Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 15, 2001 Share Posted March 15, 2001 If things were dandy with your current boyfriend, you wouldn't be asking this question. You don't seem to be real excited in your current relationship. Perhaps you won't have the courage to break up until you lock in another male. Or maybe there's some other serious reason why you are staying in less than an ideal situation. You are not wanting to JUST go out for coffee with this other guy. You want to explore the possibilities of having something with him. You want to see if things could possibly work out between the two of you. If you have totally given up on your guy and all that's left is breaking up, I would say that it's not cheating. But you have to call things off really quick with your current bf, though. But if you still think you can work things out with your guy, going out for coffee with a male you have more than just buddy feelings for is definitely out of line. Don't try to deceive yourself. You are on the make and you want to find a guy you can be happier with. Once you start being real honest with yourself, you will break up with your guy and move in a more positive direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted March 15, 2001 Share Posted March 15, 2001 You said that this new guy is 'everything' you're looking for in a guy. Guess what else he is? ATTACHED, INVOLVED, PLAYING GAMES. Yes, I do think it's wrong of you to go out for coffee with him due to the fact that you obviously have stronger than platonic feelings. How would your boyfriend of 3 yrs feel if he knew this? Would you tell him you were going out for coffee with this guy and that you think he has all these wonderful qualities? If you wouldn't dare tell him, that means you feel it should be kept a secret....which then means, you know that your boyfriend would be hurt/wouldn't approve/would feel disrespected. I'd be skeptical of two things this guy has said. 1) that he's not really 'seriously involved' with his girlfriend. Yeah, right. You're either in a relationship with someone, or you're not. He sounds like he's trying to play both sides of the fence. 2) he said that his girlfriend doesn't mind him having female friends, that she trusts him. Did she really say that?/does she really feel that way? Or is he full of sh*t? This crap of his..he admits to being attracted to you and would *try not to be tempted* if you two went out for coffee, puhlease. The guy sounds like a player. Neither of you are in any position to be going out for coffee with each other, not when there are obvious feelings/attraction level there. Want to do it the right way? Tell your boyfriend how you feel about this guy, that you want to go for coffee with him. If he's completely fine with that (which I doubt), then go for it....if you can't do this, then break up with him and give him the respect he deserves. Buddy there, he should break up with his girlfriend and quit playing games, I think. Just my $0.02 Laurynn Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted March 15, 2001 Share Posted March 15, 2001 One more thing.........you said this guy has a girlfriend but that it doesn't seem too serious. Is the latter based on your observation, or on what he's told you about his relationship with girlfriend? Would you really want to invest any time with a guy who's willing to go out for coffee with a girl he's admitted being attracted to (when his girlfriend [if she really did] told him he could have female friends, she was speaking about STRICTLY friends, not women who are as attracted to him as he is to them)? Who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to you down the road? How committed and respectful is a guy like this? Do you honestly think his girlfriend knows that he's emailing YOU and telling you that he thinks you're attractive? He's a dog. Plain and simple. Laurynn Link to post Share on other sites
unnamed Posted March 15, 2001 Share Posted March 15, 2001 I can only say stick with your current boyfriend, and please, I beg you, tell him what you're going through. I did at least. Two or three months ago, I found myself attracted to another women. I knew very little of her, but she paid attention to me. And, being the type of guy I am, I continued to "look" for that attention, and found myself looking at her all the time. My girlfriend of 10 months dissaproved, as I had opened up to her about it and left nothing out. To this day, I still look at it as the best thing I could have done in the situation. Well, we went through a lot of arguments, her feeling inadequate and what not, but I got over that other girl. She was nothing more than looks, and I knew what I had in my current girlfriend. The thing was, I never knew what it was like to have experienced a serious relationship with more than one woman. So, I thought of what it would be like, thus the attraction. Anyway, the best advice I can give you is talk to your boyfriend about this, and definetely forget this other guy. Like Laurynn said, he's most likely a player-type guy. In the end, you will regret (I have never seen a person not regret a thing like this) going out with this other guy who seemed to "have it all." You will, trust me. You're best bet is to work on your current relationship. Looking elsewhere only brings hurt. If you want out, then talk to him. But don't betray him, please. Link to post Share on other sites
sparkle Posted March 15, 2001 Share Posted March 15, 2001 A few things to think about... If your current boyfriend went out for coffee tomorrow with a girl that was interested in him, would it bother you at all? Would you want him to do it behind your back or tell you about it? If you're interested in this other guy, by all means go for it. BUT just make sure you either tell your boyfriend or you break up with him before you start anything with this other guy. And if you DO go out with the other guy with the intention of getting to know him better and possibly date him, think about this. If he became your boyfriend, would you get mad if he was taking other girls out? Because if he's the type of guy to do it to one gf, I'm pretty sure he's capable of doing it again with you too. Whatever you do, just be honest and upfront about it. Don't lead your current boyfriend on because you would hate it if anyone did the same to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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