when is it ok to tell?

[Criedallout]

I recently found out my ExMM is at it again, this time with someone 20 years his junior. I have tried dating a few others but still compare them to him. I did get sucked back in by him until I found out about the new one, at that time I left but now I'm wondering if I should let his wife know as he refuses to wear protection. I have had testing done and will again in 6 months but does she have a right to know? Or should I stay out of it.

[Sassy Girl]

When to tell? When you're ready to acknowledge and admit your own role in lies and deception. When you're ready to admit that you too had a hand in putting her sexual health at risk. He didn't do it alone, he had an accomplice: you.

 

Sorry but it baffles me when OW play the 'concern for he spouse' card. Where was your concern when you were sleeping with her husband?

[whichwayisup]

So you want to tell his wife because you've found out that he's with another OW *and younger* Telling not really for her own benefit but seems for your own benefit to stick it to him? Intentions.... You didn't have the nerve to confess your A with her husband while it was going on but now you want to?

 

If you choose to tell her, own your part in the affair that you had with him. Apologize and answer all that she needs to know. Don't just drop a bomb on her and then run away.

 

You let him suck you back in, seems you're more mad at yourself than him. Play me once, shame on you, play me twice, shame on me.. Or whatever the expression is.

 

You're hurt that he has another OW who's younger than you? React, be mad but really think and be sure 100% before you tell her.

Edited May 26, 2015 by whichwayisup

[still_an_Angel]

Does his W know about you? Giving her a warning will place you and your relationship with her H in the limelight. Just be careful if you decide to tell her as your good intention for her safety may backfire.

[GoldieLox]

If your exAP WASN'T now fooling around with a woman 20 years younger... Would you still tell his wife? Think about it.

 

Believe me. Most of us have wanted to go there, and it's stemmed out of the utter hurt and grief we have felt. But, when most of us can begin to think clearly, we begin to realize we didn't want to tell for the right reasons. We wanted to tell to scorn. If you're going to tell, be sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and not out of your emotions.

[gettingstronger]

I'd want to know no matter what the motivation is- BUT I firmly believe you should only disclose if you are ready to walk away clean-

[anika99]

I think the wife does have a right to know, but their is no point in telling her half truths. If you are going to disclose then disclose everything including your own affair with him.

[RoseVille]

When to tell? When you're ready to acknowledge and admit your own role in lies and deception. When you're ready to admit that you too had a hand in putting her sexual health at risk. He didn't do it alone, he had an accomplice: you.

 

If she's clean, which it sounds like she is, she did not put the W's sexual health at risk. Obviously.

[RoseVille]

I would not tell unless sought out and asked, then I'd answer any questions she asked. I feel that if she's happy and unaware, I don't want to be the one to take that away from her. And while it'd stick it to him to tell, I don't think you'll end up feeling better.

[GoldieLox]

If she's clean, which it sounds like she is, she did not put the W's sexual health at risk. Obviously.

 

But she was still sharing fluids with his wife, his wife unsuspectingly. When you marry someone, you do get that assumption that you won't be sharing your husband's penis with someone else... and there's still those nasty yeast infections and vaginitis. Very uncommon to be passed through intercourse, but can still happen. Yuck?

[RoseVille]

But she was still sharing fluids with his wife, his wife unsuspectingly. When you marry someone, you do get that assumption that you won't be sharing your husband's penis with someone else... and there's still those nasty yeast infections and vaginitis. Very uncommon to be passed through intercourse, but can still happen. Yuck?

 

Yuck, but not her job to tell the W.

 

If I'm diagnosed with an STD, it's only my responsibility to tell the people I've slept with. Not everyone that everyone I've slept with has slept with.

 

It's just not her place to tell.

[GoldieLox]

Yuck, but not her job to tell the W.

 

If I'm diagnosed with an STD, it's only my responsibility to tell the people I've slept with. Not everyone that everyone I've slept with has slept with.

 

It's just not her place to tell.

 

I agree, especially because I don't think she's doing it for the right reasons. If the 20-something or another didn't exist, I'm not sure we'd even be having this conversation. I'm just pointing out the fallacy that just because an official STI doesn't necessarily exist, doesn't mean that sexual health isn't compromised.

[Satu]

Some people just have a liking for drama.

[Decisiontomake]

I am in the do not tell camp on this - as OW we can't suddenly profess solidarity to a woman whose husband we've been having an affair with - that just adds insult to injury imho. You want to tell out of your own hurt - I get that entirely - but you will not like yourself for it afterwards. Keep your head held high, and keep walking.

[Sassy Girl]

But she was still sharing fluids with his wife, his wife unsuspectingly. When you marry someone, you do get that assumption that you won't be sharing your husband's penis with someone else... and there's still those nasty yeast infections and vaginitis. Very uncommon to be passed through intercourse, but can still happen. Yuck?

 

Exactly.

Not to mention there are some things that aren't tested for in standard STI screenings.

 

Never mind, rose likes to argue with me, even when we actually agree lol.

Actually, she said it pretty well in her own thread:

 

Sex carries the risk of STDs and pregnancy no matter how careful you are, there's never a guarantee.

.

 

Thanks rose, my point exactly.

[goodyblue]

I do not believe in disclosure because you xo not know what you are throwing yourself into... she could be nuts, pull a Betty, show up at yoir work, harrass you, your spouse, your children, etc. Of course this not the case always but sometimes it is.

 

I think the only time to tell is inthe case of an STD, pregnancy or abuse.

[cocorico]

I recently found out my ExMM is at it again, this time with someone 20 years his junior. I have tried dating a few others but still compare them to him. I did get sucked back in by him until I found out about the new one, at that time I left but now I'm wondering if I should let his wife know as he refuses to wear protection. I have had testing done and will again in 6 months but does she have a right to know? Or should I stay out of it.

 

What exactly is your concern? That he will infect his BW with an STI? You've tested negative, so presumably there is no STI to transfer.

 

Are you worried she may fall pregnant? Presumably he, and the OW, have this covered - and if not, it is quite literally their baby to rock.

 

I'm just perplexed by the belated concern for him BW, coinciding with you dumping him. That seems less like concern and more like revenge - which is fine, these boards are full of revenge fantasies - but if so, be honest about your motivation.

 

Chances are, it won't bring you the result you're hoping for. She may or may not believe you; she may or may not respond badly toward you; she may or may not take any action toward him. You have zero control over how, or if, she responds. If you are hoping for a particular outcome, there is a large chance you will be disappointed - and a large chance, too, that the unintended consequences for you lead you to regret disclosing.

 

If you really do feel great remorse over your actions, rather than some concern for her that he's not using protection, then there are ways to address your remorse and that might involve disclosing to her - but the nature of that disclosure would be very different to tipping her of that her H is nailing a young woman. Please think about what you really want to achieve with this, and then take the appropriate action - which might be nothing at all.

[MissBee]

I'd want to know no matter what the motivation is- BUT I firmly believe you should only disclose if you are ready to walk away clean-

 

I agree with this.

 

I get that at this point the intention is not altruistic (it rarely ever is) but does it matter? I don't think a BS will care about why the OW tells, she has the info now and then after it's hers to do what she will with it. Whether you're told out of spite, scorn, resentment, altruism, it's all the same.

 

So in the end it's about your examining why you're choosing to tell and what you expect from it. If you truly can expect nothing and really think she should know, go for it.

[Criedallout]

so I decided not to tell her, as it truly is just me looking for ways to hurt him. I went and saw my therapist and have been given a few techniques to help work through this.

 

I hope he never tries to come back and if he does I'm brave enough to ignore.

 

Thank you everyone

[Brokenintwo]

You made the right decision, Criedallout. Not for him, but for yourself.

 

I decided to tell his wife about his past after he dumped me on DDay- turned out that, not oly had he made a full confession, but stuff I had told exMM was thrown in my face. I found out how badly I had been run over by the bus he threw me under- and that hurt even more than him ending the affair.

[sandylee1]

You made the right decision, Criedallout. Not for him, but for yourself.

 

I decided to tell his wife about his past after he dumped me on DDay- turned out that, not oly had he made a full confession, but stuff I had told exMM was thrown in my face. I found out how badly I had been run over by the bus he threw me under- and that hurt even more than him ending the affair.

 

Ouch.....Telling out of revenge isn't good. I'll bet he painted you as someone who always seeks our MM.

[Criedallout]

So I'm over a month NC and doing mostly better. Occasionally I still get the thoughts to tell but not to tell the BS but to tell the new OW the truth about him. I know he has lied to her about his age and marital status because he lied about it to me at first.

 

Why does this thought to disclose cross my mind still?

I know it is due to deep anger and hurt I have with him. So far I've fought off the urge as I know I'll just be made out to look crazy.

 

I'm writing here today instead as the feeling to tell today is overwhelming and I'm hoping it goes away.

Edited August 2, 2015 by Criedallout

[Popsicle]

Just move on.

 

She will find out some day, some other way (and still stay with him anyway probably).

 

Go on and live your life. Don't pay attention to him anymore.

[Lois_Griffin]

So I'm over a month NC and doing mostly better. Occasionally I still get the thoughts to tell but not to tell the BS but to tell the new OW the truth about him. I know he has lied to her about his age and marital status because he lied about it to me at first.

 

Why does this thought to disclose cross my mind still?

I know it is due to deep anger and hurt I have with him. So far I've fought off the urge as I know I'll just be made out to look crazy.

 

I'm writing here today instead as the feeling to tell today is overwhelming and I'm hoping it goes away.

Send his wife an anonymous note or email letting her know that her scumbag husband is cheating on her and provide as much detail as you can so he cant deny it. If she's smart, she'll realize what a complete dirt bag he is and find herself a shark lawyer who'll make mincemeat out of him.