spanz1 Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 it is pretty obvious that you checked out already, and for good reason (abuse, trying to cheat on you). But consider this, she is the mother of your kids. She will have a good deal of the job of raising these kids. So you WILL be interacting/communicating with her for at least another 15 years or so. So despite your disgust for her, TRY to not burn any bridges. For the sake of your kids AND for your own sanity while visiting them, etc. Try to part ways in a semi-professional and un emotional way. Be a little more generous than you probably are planning. It is ok to do the no-contact thing after D Day. but do not do anything over the top vindictive to your cheater. you will someday regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 She will have a good deal of the job of raising these kids. This is actually doubtful since I've been a stay at home parent since they were 2 months old. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I was the one that pushed to reconcile. She went along with counseling JUST LONG ENOUGH to work through her communication issues to get up the nerve to ask for a divorce. I have heard of WS using a few counseling visits as some sort of cover, like "well, I tried to work it out..." As far as outing goes, if you can get some proof it was physical, it might be worth it in divorce proceedings to deal with it now. If it was an EA only, I still think absolutely when people ask you why, say, "My wife had a relationship with another man." Because from your posts it sounds like that is what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 It was an EA. Not a physical affair. If it has stopped, why not try reconciliation instead of punishment? Clearly your wife was looking for a connection she wasn't getting from you. Especially if your 1st response is to try to punish / shame her & you are already running toward divorce court. .. it makes you sound callous & cold. I can understand why she started talking to another man. If she pulled back when she realized what was happening, more power to her. Now that William has merged the threads my answer to the vague Q about 1 EA only doesn't apply. Multiple EAs, requests by her to go on dates with at least one of the OM, the failure of MC & her mean-spirited nature toward you & your kids seems to be the source of your anger, which is vastly different then being upset because a spouse talked to another person. Armed with more details, go forward with the lawyer. Do not use the kids / custody to punish your stbxw. Address your own anger / pain before it eats you up inside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 I have heard of WS using a few counseling visits as some sort of cover, like "well, I tried to work it out..." This is exactly what happened. As far as outing goes, if you can get some proof it was physical, it might be worth it in divorce proceedings to deal with it now. I wish I could find proof it was physical but I can't. Doesn't mean I've stopped looking though. If it was an EA only, I still think absolutely when people ask you why, say, "My wife had a relationship with another man." Because from your posts it sounds like that is what happened. This was basically what I was asking about. When mutual friends ask what happened. I want them to know it wasn't me that wanted the divorce but she decided to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 Now that William has merged the threads my answer to the vague Q about 1 EA only doesn't apply. Multiple EAs, requests by her to go on dates with at least one of the OM, the failure of MC & her mean-spirited nature toward you & your kids seems to be the source of your anger, which is vastly different then being upset because a spouse talked to another person. Armed with more details, go forward with the lawyer. Do not use the kids / custody to punish your stbxw. Address your own anger / pain before it eats you up inside. I'm not going to do anything to punish her, but I am going to do everything I can to make sure my kids have a healthy, stable, loving environment to live in. Something they don't get with her. As far as the anger goes. I'm really not anymore (lots of therapy, still ongoing, has helped). My questions was simply a question. I don't want to smear **** everywhere after the divorce but I also don't want people thinking I was the one that wanted to split. Just wanted some input from people who have been there before... Edit - we have TONS of mutual friends. That's why I'm asking. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Didn't see it mentioned and, given the nature and content shared, a paternity test would probably be prudent. My sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 This is exactly what happened. I wish I could find proof it was physical but I can't. Doesn't mean I've stopped looking though. This was basically what I was asking about. When mutual friends ask what happened. I want them to know it wasn't me that wanted the divorce but she decided to cheat. I don't see anything wrong with that. Make it clear to your friends that you want the kids to remain unaware of the infidelity. I don't go around smearing my exwife but with any of my friends that want to know, I don't lie for the sake of my exwife. Why bother? You may not have proof of a PA but you have your friend that admitted she tried to ask him out twice and other circumstantial evidence that points to more of the same; that's sufficient to show that the divorce is on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with that. Make it clear to your friends that you want the kids to remain unaware of the infidelity. I don't go around smearing my exwife but with any of my friends that want to know, I don't lie for the sake of my exwife. Why bother? You may not have proof of a PA but you have your friend that admitted she tried to ask him out twice and other circumstantial evidence that points to more of the same; that's sufficient to show that the divorce is on her. I also have the screenshots of her phone from where she asked my friend out on a date. I know at some point I'll confront her about all this. Funny thing is how fast he shut her down. Then came to me without me even asking about it. He told me everything and even said he'd give me a written, signed statement if it would help my cause. His words were, "you know man because, bros before hoes". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I also have the screenshots of her phone from where she asked my friend out on a date. I know at some point I'll confront her about all this. Funny thing is how fast he shut her down. Then came to me without me even asking about it. He told me everything and even said he'd give me a written, signed statement if it would help my cause. His words were, "you know man because, bros before hoes". Still unclear to me what end game you're pursuing? You don't need evidence to divorce and, as others have indicated, in co-parenting you're better served by a civil relationship going forward. Why not just let her be someone else's problem ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 When mutual friends ask what happened. I want them to know it wasn't me that wanted the divorce but she decided to cheat. It's really no one else's business. If you say that and anyone asks her about it, she'll get defensive and say all the things that you did that made her want to check out of the marriage. Cheating is often (not always) the culmination of a relationship gone sour sometime earlier - I don't necessarily consider it worse than a multitude of other betrayals in a marriage. I don't think bringing mutual friends into it is any good for you or them (unless they're your friends alone, not mutual, and you need some support). Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 It's really no one else's business. If you say that and anyone asks her about it, she'll get defensive and say all the things that you did that made her want to check out of the marriage. Cheating is often (not always) the culmination of a relationship gone sour sometime earlier - I don't necessarily consider it worse than a multitude of other betrayals in a marriage. I don't think bringing mutual friends into it is any good for you or them (unless they're your friends alone, not mutual, and you need some support). There's some truth to the fact that it can become tit for tat with mutual friends and family. And it puts them in a difficult position. Many of the mutual friends of my wife and I happily disconnected from her. Some stayed on her side. A few others tried to remain neutral; those are the people that commonly believe that it takes two to ruin a marriage and they want to independently be friends with both. Personally, I'm not cool with that and made it known. I lost a few friends over it. Not a big loss, really. The difficulty I've had is with my own family members that have wanted to remain neutral and to keep contact with her. I've discovered that they do it behind my back. I wouldn't mind cutting them off either but I have my kids to consider. I'm still in favor of the honesty policy, regardless of the difficulties. It is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Still unclear to me what end game you're pursuing? You don't need evidence to divorce and, as others have indicated, in co-parenting you're better served by a civil relationship going forward. Why not just let her be someone else's problem ??? Mr. Lucky Half of these "mutual friends" were friends of mine from growing up. They met her in college and we were introduced through them. I know I don't need the evidence to divorce, I guess I just want to make sure that if someone doesn't believe me I can back it up. I guess if they don't believe me, they're not really someone I want around me anyway. Thanks for making me think about this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 It's really no one else's business. If you say that and anyone asks her about it, she'll get defensive and say all the things that you did that made her want to check out of the marriage. Cheating is often (not always) the culmination of a relationship gone sour sometime earlier - I don't necessarily consider it worse than a multitude of other betrayals in a marriage. I don't think bringing mutual friends into it is any good for you or them (unless they're your friends alone, not mutual, and you need some support). A lot of them were my friends before I met my wife. They went to college together and we were introduced through them at different times before we started dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 The difficulty I've had is with my own family members that have wanted to remain neutral and to keep contact with her. Luckily, she'e not welcome around my family anymore. No one wants her around. That's hit her pretty hard because her family is pretty ****ed up. She said early on in dating that she was glad that she got to see what a normal family was like. Always wanted to spend holidays with them etc. Oh well, her loss. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Luckily, she'e not welcome around my family anymore. No one wants her around. That's hit her pretty hard because her family is pretty ****ed up. She said early on in dating that she was glad that she got to see what a normal family was like. Always wanted to spend holidays with them etc. Oh well, her loss. Good for you in making your decision...many here know my story of my WWs affair with her Boss and when I outed him to his now EW ..he showed me pics of them engaging in sexual acts for revenge and left them on a flash drive...As a result I rained complete and utter devastation on everyone...sued their company(they were fired)..her family called me a liar and demanded proof...(showed them the pics at their request)..gave copies to his EW and she ruined him in their divorce..my EXWW had to leave town....my son stayed with me...he Never saw the pics of his mom...Some say im cruel ...At that time I more that likely was ..but im not evil... I stuck to my guns and have been the better for it..BUT I have said here many times my EXWW destroyed 2 families by her actions..in the 3 months i have been off LS..I have come to realize that i also played a huge part in the destruction of the OMs family...Im not sorry..but today I may have played it different... As the old curse goes ..."may you get everything you ask for.." I did.. Badkarma2013 Link to post Share on other sites
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