How to forgive/trust again?

[blank656565]

I'm 29 years old and I've been dating my current girlfriend for a little over a year now. Everything has been great. We've been talking about moving in together and starting a future. But this weekend something happened that really messed me up.

 

We went out to the bar with a bunch of her friends and friends of friends. Everyone got very drunk. The whole group was standing in a circle and she was dancing next to one of the guys in the group. All of a sudden I see my gf dancing and she bends over and shakes her ass on one of the guys in the group. I immediately freaked out and stormed out of the bar.

 

Now, my gf has always had a little wild side, and it's part of what I like about her. But there's a difference between friendly/fun dancing with another guy and sexual, flirtatious dancing. What she did was just not even close to okay in my mind.

 

Anyway, she follows me out of the bar and we fight drunkenly that night. She tells me how she didn't think it would bother me since it was a guy in the same group we were hanging out with. (Terrible drunken excuse.) The next morning, we wake up and she doesn't remember what happened, so I tell her and we start discussing it again. Again, she gives me lots of reasons why it wasn't that big of a deal. Claims I was there so it obviously didn't mean anything. Now she knows better and she won't do it again, etc, etc. Only later in the day after a couple hours of the cold shoulder does she really own it and give me a heartfelt apology with no explanations or excuses attached.

 

From her perspective it's now over. From mine, it still hurts to think about and I'm not sure how to move forward.

 

1) I do have the tendency to overthink things. In the short term, how do I stop replaying the scene in my head over and over? Everyone does dumb stuff (I'm no angel), but this is like a fresh wound that's not healing.

 

2) In the long term, how can I learn to trust her again? I've always trusted her. She has dealt with cheating in her family in the past and she has very, very strong feelings against it. So I believe she would never fully cross that line, but she is a flirtatious girl by nature. How do I trust that she's not going to do something similar next time she's black out drunk, especially if I'm not around?

 

Thanks for listening - any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[mightycpa]

I'm 29 years old and I've been dating my current girlfriend for a little over a year now. Everything has been great. We've been talking about moving in together and starting a future. But this weekend something happened that really messed me up.

 

We went out to the bar with a bunch of her friends and friends of friends. Everyone got very drunk. The whole group was standing in a circle and she was dancing next to one of the guys in the group. All of a sudden I see my gf dancing and she bends over and shakes her ass on one of the guys in the group. I immediately freaked out and stormed out of the bar.

 

Now, my gf has always had a little wild side, and it's part of what I like about her. But there's a difference between friendly/fun dancing with another guy and sexual, flirtatious dancing. What she did was just not even close to okay in my mind.

 

Anyway, she follows me out of the bar and we fight drunkenly that night. She tells me how she didn't think it would bother me since it was a guy in the same group we were hanging out with. (Terrible drunken excuse.) The next morning, we wake up and she doesn't remember what happened, so I tell her and we start discussing it again. Again, she gives me lots of reasons why it wasn't that big of a deal. Claims I was there so it obviously didn't mean anything. Now she knows better and she won't do it again, etc, etc. Only later in the day after a couple hours of the cold shoulder does she really own it and give me a heartfelt apology with no explanations or excuses attached.

 

From her perspective it's now over. From mine, it still hurts to think about and I'm not sure how to move forward.

 

1) I do have the tendency to overthink things. In the short term, how do I stop replaying the scene in my head over and over? Everyone does dumb stuff (I'm no angel), but this is like a fresh wound that's not healing.

 

2) In the long term, how can I learn to trust her again? I've always trusted her. She has dealt with cheating in her family in the past and she has very, very strong feelings against it. So I believe she would never fully cross that line, but she is a flirtatious girl by nature. How do I trust that she's not going to do something similar next time she's black out drunk, especially if I'm not around?

 

Thanks for listening - any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

My counsel to you would be to grow up a little. You like 'em spicy and on the wild side? There you go! Sometimes, when you bite into that spicy sandwich, you're going to eat a peppercorn, and it is going to sting. Part of the package.

 

You're worried about how she'll act the next time she gets black out drunk? Yeah, well, you have reason to worry about that, and I don't mean just shaking her money-maker at some boys. People like that don't have control. Again, part of the package.

 

It sounds like you want her to have control over herself when she's out of control. That's just ridiculous. People in that frame of mind are pretty single-minded. They get an idea in their head and then they act on it. I guess you can comfort yourself with the idea that even if she bangs some guy the next time she's out, she might have thought that she was with you, or at a minimum, and more likely, she just wasn't thinking.

 

My advice would be not to start a future with a girl who still gets blackout drunk. They're not ready for a serious future, not yet.

[Bito]

Time is the only healer for a betrayal of trust.

 

If she is not willing to work to earn back your trust than the relationship will continue to deteriorate. Resentment will begin to build on both sides and things will begin to spiral...

 

Many on this site will view what she did as reason enough to leave.

 

If you plan on staying though, you must not bludgeon her with guilt and contempt. Keep your eyes open and be strong...