BluEyeL Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I am watching a friend's relationship and I'm a bit puzzled. She met a newly divorced (a few months divorced when they met) man about 1.3 years ago. She is in her 40s and has no kids and no exes nearby, he has two kids and an ex-wife who lives nearby and comes and goes to his house, calls etc. In other words, he has a full life, family, ex still entangled due to kids, she is just her and sometimes feels like an outsider to all of this circus. Starting 8-9 months into their relationship she started to pressure for marriage. She was renting and wanted to buy and settle down, but not willing to live in his house. She doesn't like the house and the ex coming in and out like she pleases. She wanted to buy a house for herself but it would be one type of house if she's only buying it for herself and a different one if she's buying it for them. She's not willing to live together unmarried either. So she started to ask when are they going to get married and finally she is building a huge house she can't quite afford on her own with the idea of them moving in by December, married. He hasn't proposed but he talks about him moving into the house by December. Every time in the past 7 months or so that I met her, all I hear about is her pressuring the guy to marry and him not quite responding enthusiastically, saying he's not sure he can make her happy etc etc. There is no definite resolution at this time but she has high hopes they'll get married before December. Hearing about this all the time (instead of stories of things they did, places they went, the way they had fun etc) gives me an uncomfortable feeling of not such a happy relationship overall, and it made me wonder. Does pushing that way ever works? In my mind, if someone was pushing me that way, I'd be more likely to leave than get married. It just feels unpleasant. So I was curious and i read a book on the topic and they say that most women that got married at least somewhat pressured their husbands to do it. My plan for my own future was to put no pressure at all, sure, make it known that I'd like us to be married one day but no rushing to get there either, and if it happens, it should happen because we both really want to and it feels like the right time to take the leap, but maybe I am wrong and I should take a course in high pressure sales in preparation for that time? Is pressuring someone to marry ever works? What are your thoughts/experience with this? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I think that tactics like that, whether we're talking about marriage, sales, or whatever, backfire far more often than they don't. And even if she "succeeds", does she really want to be married to a guy who gets married at gun point? I can't see a happy ending, regardless if what she's doing "works" or not. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I wouldn't want to be in any relationship where forced participation in any capacity exists. I have no inclination to beg or bargain for any person to want to be with me. Either you enjoy my company and want to be around me or you don't. And if you don't, hit the road. There are too many people in the world for me to spin my wheels. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Yes we all sit here and say we would never want to be in a situation where we feel pressured, and I agree wholeheartedly. I feel like the reality is though, that every time we turn around we see it happening.....more often than not a woman pressuring a man, a man sucking it up & proposing then together they stumble off into the thunderstorm living unhappily ever after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 A friend of mine in grad school told her then live in BF that if didn't propose by the time their baby was born (she was pregnant) that she was breaking up with him. They have been together for almost 25 years so under the right circumstances it can work. I thought about giving my long term BF a similar ultimatum but I didn't because I didn't want him to marry me just because I made him. I wanted him to marry me because he wanted to. When I broke up with him I lied & said I was no longer in love with him. At that point I was so angry & hurt I didn't want a proposal & I knew if I said anything else I would get one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 A friend of mine in grad school told her then live in BF that if didn't propose by the time their baby was born (she was pregnant) that she was breaking up with him. They have been together for almost 25 years so under the right circumstances it can work. I thought about giving my long term BF a similar ultimatum but I didn't because I didn't want him to marry me just because I made him. I wanted him to marry me because he wanted to. When I broke up with him I lied & said I was no longer in love with him. At that point I was so angry & hurt I didn't want a proposal & I knew if I said anything else I would get one. I'm with you there, having to pressure someone into being with me would leave me with a very bitter taste in my mouth. In turn, how did the proposal with your now husband happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Yes we all sit here and say we would never want to be in a situation where we feel pressured, and I agree wholeheartedly. I feel like the reality is though, that every time we turn around we see it happening.....more often than not a woman pressuring a man, a man sucking it up & proposing then together they stumble off into the thunderstorm living unhappily ever after. That's the thing, are we more interested in the proposal or the quality of the marriage itself? How would a marriage with someone who didn't want to get married but did it because the girlfriend pestered him ultimately be? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 In turn, how did the proposal with your now husband happen? Not quite a year into our relationship we talked about the concept of marriage & each of our expectations. It wasn't a proposal but an acknowledgement that we were both on the same page thinking about a serious commitment with a shared vision of what commitment means: marriage. Around the 1.5 year mark we went on a cruise. He proposed on board. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Not quite a year into our relationship we talked about the concept of marriage & each of our expectations. It wasn't a proposal but an acknowledgement that we were both on the same page thinking about a serious commitment with a shared vision of what commitment means: marriage. Around the 1.5 year mark we went on a cruise. He proposed on board. Very romantic. I think that's how it should be. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I do have an ex BF who married a woman who turned out to be a disaster. After they broke up, he told me all his friends said they knew she as whacko and wondered why didn't anybody tell him. So I asked why he married her to begin with and he said she nagged him into it saying she'd be so good for him, etc. She was a good cook, so I really think that's why he married her, but that's no reason. He told me "Who knows, maybe if YOU'd nagged me, I'd have married you." Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Sex is a powerful sales tactic. Masterful use can get a person what they want. I've seen some spectacular examples over the decades. I'll admit to being a little envious of how good they are, both in wresting men away from other women and getting them to marry them. My exW was pretty good but paled in comparison to some of the pros I've experienced. Yeah... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I only know a couple of people who did high pressure tactics, and it was disaster. So be careful what you wish for. You should never try to force someone. It creates an imbalance you'll never get past. A friend of mine was ready to have a child, getting up in years, and told this guy she had done all the chasing of she was having it one way or the other and basically made him marry her, and the only thing he's done right since then is keep a job. Otherwise, he feels under no obligation to help out much at all. He treats her really crappy most of the time. She's too forgiving. He can be mean to her for a year and then if she's ready to walk, he'll say one nice thing and she's good for another 6 months. It hurts me to watch it. She understands she helped create this situation at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Cameron2000 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman generating incentives for a guy to marry her. Some guys need a little push. People do not always obey their internal calling initially. They let fear or laziness get in the way. A woman can generate the right incentives to give him a little push to yield to his internal calling to marry her. It isn't force at all but the incentives help to draw out the man's true internal desires. In some cases if the guy is dragging his feet about marriage the girlfriend breaks up with him partially in the hopes that he comes to realize that he does not want to live without her. Some people need a wakeup call. To me it is not any different than a woman breaking up with an alcoholic or porn addict in the hopes that he will understand what he is losing if he doesn't get help for his addiction. You have to let an addict hit rock bottom in their life before they are ready to change things. One incentive is for her to say "I will not be seeing you anymore until you get help and are recovered from this addiction". Then he has a choice to make to either take steps to lose the addiction or lose his girlfriend. For some guys they get cold feet about marriage or some fear that holds them back. Well they need a little push such as his girlfriend beginning to see other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I think it may help if women gave the right guy a little push in that direction, but some it seems to me, put up with rubbish from a guy, then push him to marry her. As if he is suddenly and magically going to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 It's not always the woman applying pressure for marriage consent. Honestly, my husband proposed three times before I said yes, not because I didn't love him or want to be with him. I just wasn't ready to accept his proposal and I wasn't going to say yes to appease him or save face. When I accepted, I was fully committed, on my terms, not because of pressure. Had he given me an ultimatum to commit before I was ready, I'd have walked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cameron2000 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Well yes she has to know that there's something in him that really wants to marry her and that for whatever reason he is suppressing it. That's the only way the incentives will work. I mean we can't deny that sometimes a person needs to be given a push out of their comfort zone and to be broken out of their shell. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 ^ Trouble is they usually go right back in their shell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) I am watching a friend's relationship and I'm a bit puzzled. She met a newly divorced (a few months divorced when they met) man about 1.3 years ago. She is in her 40s and has no kids and no exes nearby, he has two kids and an ex-wife who lives nearby and comes and goes to his house, calls etc. In other words, he has a full life, family, ex still entangled due to kids, she is just her and sometimes feels like an outsider to all of this circus. Starting 8-9 months into their relationship she started to pressure for marriage. She was renting and wanted to buy and settle down, but not willing to live in his house. She doesn't like the house and the ex coming in and out like she pleases. She wanted to buy a house for herself but it would be one type of house if she's only buying it for herself and a different one if she's buying it for them. She's not willing to live together unmarried either. So she started to ask when are they going to get married and finally she is building a huge house she can't quite afford on her own with the idea of them moving in by December, married. He hasn't proposed but he talks about him moving into the house by December. Every time in the past 7 months or so that I met her, all I hear about is her pressuring the guy to marry and him not quite responding enthusiastically, saying he's not sure he can make her happy etc etc. There is no definite resolution at this time but she has high hopes they'll get married before December. Hearing about this all the time (instead of stories of things they did, places they went, the way they had fun etc) gives me an uncomfortable feeling of not such a happy relationship overall, and it made me wonder. Does pushing that way ever works? In my mind, if someone was pushing me that way, I'd be more likely to leave than get married. It just feels unpleasant. So I was curious and i read a book on the topic and they say that most women that got married at least somewhat pressured their husbands to do it. My plan for my own future was to put no pressure at all, sure, make it known that I'd like us to be married one day but no rushing to get there either, and if it happens, it should happen because we both really want to and it feels like the right time to take the leap, but maybe I am wrong and I should take a course in high pressure sales in preparation for that time? Is pressuring someone to marry ever works? What are your thoughts/experience with this? It depends on what you mean by does it ever work? If work means the person concedes and begrudgingly marries you, sure. If this means happy and successful relationship...not so sure about that. Your friend seems like she is getting ahead of herself and is hellbent on marrying this guy even though he isn't enthusiastic. I would NEVER do that. In dating I'm clear that I'm ultimately looking to settle down so if I become exclusive with a man it's because after going out, talking, etc. we've agreed we have common goals for the relationship and then over time it's going to be that we end up getting married or parting ways. My last bf for example wanted marriage, maybe even a little more than I did, because he too was also on the market to buy a house and whether or not he and I would be longterm was something he factored into it. We eventually broke up, but had we stayed together we would have gotten married not because I forced him but because he and I both wanted it and went in knowing this. This man may eventually cave but I don't see how she'll be truly happy even if he does. But maybe her head is so far in the sand, that she only cares about building the house she can't afford and having a husband who isn't all that into it, and the APPEARANCE of things being great is more important than the reality for her. That's how it is for many people, they don't care what they have to do or if the person isn't all in, so long as on the outside to others it looks like they got the man and the house and the life. Edited May 27, 2015 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 It all depends on what u understand by "working". Getting a ring or getting the SO to want to marry you . Two very very different things. A silly Woman Puts pressure, threatens and screams! A smart woman makes him think it's his idea, worse, makes him chase her for it. Getting the ring is only the beginning. Your friend doesn't want a hubby, she wants a cheap co-financer, haha Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman generating incentives for a guy to marry her. Some guys need a little push. People do not always obey their internal calling initially. They let fear or laziness get in the way. A woman can generate the right incentives to give him a little push to yield to his internal calling to marry her. It isn't force at all but the incentives help to draw out the man's true internal desires. In some cases if the guy is dragging his feet about marriage the girlfriend breaks up with him partially in the hopes that he comes to realize that he does not want to live without her. Some people need a wakeup call. To me it is not any different than a woman breaking up with an alcoholic or porn addict in the hopes that he will understand what he is losing if he doesn't get help for his addiction. You have to let an addict hit rock bottom in their life before they are ready to change things. One incentive is for her to say "I will not be seeing you anymore until you get help and are recovered from this addiction". Then he has a choice to make to either take steps to lose the addiction or lose his girlfriend. For some guys they get cold feet about marriage or some fear that holds them back. Well they need a little push such as his girlfriend beginning to see other guys. Nothing says 'i love you' like riding some guy in the club or publishing similar pictures on Facebook. Every time i've seen the above tactic used with a guy who has some decent self-esteem it has backfired. Works great with the guys with no self-esteem though. Link to post Share on other sites
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