Feel like I may have said something wrong

[losangelena]

I can see how this could feel like a kick in the teeth. On the other hand, at least you know he had strong feelings for you at some point, which could be a comforting thought.

 

I suppose. I kind of took it the other way, though. Like, if he'd never really been sure about me, then I guess that makes sense, in some way. But the fact that he DID feel sure at one point just makes me wonder harder what happened.

[lana-banana]

I suppose. I kind of took it the other way, though. Like, if he'd never really been sure about me, then I guess that makes sense, in some way. But the fact that he DID feel sure at one point just makes me wonder harder what happened.

 

I don't think he was honest with you about that. My guess is when you asked him if he had ever been certain, he realized he sounded like a jerk and said "yes" in hopes of making you feel better. If you read back through your threads it's evident he was never fully invested in the relationship. You repeatedly describe feeling unhappy and unwanted.

 

Why wonder what happened? I have my theories about what happened, as I'm sure you do too, but do they matter? Knowing he doesn't want to be with you is enough. The important part is that you're out of a mutually unsatisfying relationship. It's great you already know it's for the best and will be able to move onto something healthier in the future.

[Gaeta]

I don't think he was honest with you about that. My guess is when you asked him if he had ever been certain, he realized he sounded like a jerk and said "yes" in hopes of making you feel better. If you read back through your threads it's evident he was never fully invested in the relationship. You repeatedly describe feeling unhappy and unwanted.

 

Why wonder what happened? I have my theories about what happened, as I'm sure you do too, but do they matter? Knowing he doesn't want to be with you is enough. The important part is that you're out of a mutually unsatisfying relationship. It's great you already know it's for the best and will be able to move onto something healthier in the future.

 

Completely agree with you.

[anna121]

I will give him props for being straight with you about his feelings (although I suspect that is partly to do with his lack of experience, and culture), and for actually following through, as I think the only rational thing to do in that situation IS to break up.

 

Give yourself time to grieve. Try not to stress about starting over. I know, I know, easier said than done.

 

What are three things you could plan for the fall season that would be awesome?

[BluEyeL]

I don't think he was honest with you about that. My guess is when you asked him if he had ever been certain, he realized he sounded like a jerk and said "yes" in hopes of making you feel better. If you read back through your threads it's evident he was never fully invested in the relationship. You repeatedly describe feeling unhappy and unwanted.

 

Why wonder what happened? I have my theories about what happened, as I'm sure you do too, but do they matter? Knowing he doesn't want to be with you is enough. The important part is that you're out of a mutually unsatisfying relationship. It's great you already know it's for the best and will be able to move onto something healthier in the future.

I was sitting down to write this myself!! No more needs to be said! I also do not think you should be hung up on what he said. I don't think it was true. I also don't think it was you. I think it was totally him! Again, for a lot of reasons that I won't get into. I know it will take some time to get over him, you'll miss him at times...

 

For me, after a couple of months of grieving a relationship, the best medicine was to start dating again. I would take some time to recover but I'd try not to wallow for too long. Getting out there and getting male attention again could be useful.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

He doesn't know what he's doing. Were you his first?

 

Ya I think she said she is his first ever girlfriend

[losangelena]

Ya I think she said she is his first ever girlfriend

 

Yep, this is true. It's almost as if, because it was his first, he just kind of did what he thought he HAD to do, as someone who has a GF, not because he really wanted to.

 

I dunno. He just got back from a week-long bike trip about three weeks ago. Everything felt so good and close before he left and when he came back he was different, distant. I keep on trying to think about what he said the other night, but it's like I can't remember exactly, my mind sort of blocking it out in the shock of the moment. I suppose it's a fool's folly to expect clarity from someone like him, but god I wish we could have a long debrief. I know that it probably wouldn't change anything, but I guess I'm at that stage where the initial tears are over and it's like, time to try and analyze. I really want to skip this stage, though.

 

I know, I KNOW that longterm, I would have been unhappy, but I just hate knowing that it's just ... over.

 

I agree with what everyone is saying, just sort of "ruminating out loud" here.

[lana-banana]

Theory: there's someone else. I'm not trying to imply he cheated or otherwise betrayed you; he doesn't seem like that type at all, but I think he met someone who motivated him to action in a way he hadn't expected. Most people, especially guys, will not leave a generally comfortable relationship until they believe they have a shot at someone else who interests them more. I was especially taken by the line about how it was the first time you'd seen him show initiative. He would not have developed that kind of spine if he just wanted to end the relationship. It sounds like he met someone he wants to date, and believes he has a chance with that person.

 

There is good news about it being over. It's time to get excited about new guys, re-learn what you like to do in your free time, genuinely clean your apartment (am I the only person whose cleaning schedule falls behind while in a relationship?), and do nice things for yourself. Above all you can't beat yourself up too badly about this. You deserve a man who will make you his first priority in everything, who sends you gushy text messages and whose friends rave about how good you've been for him. You deserve a man who will never make you feel neglected and lonely. And now that you're not wasting your time in this relationship---which I recall you saying was your greatest fear---you're one day closer to Mr. Right.

[Leigh 87]

I'm really sorry to hear you're hurting.

 

However, I never thought it sounded like a very deep " soul " connection. Feelings didn't seem to ever be that intense.... At least from his end.

 

Women have a good ability to fall in love despite the lack of an intense beginning... Where as men don't. If a man isn't love crazy at the beginning ( for instance, he doesnt fall very hard for you), men are very apt at feeling like " something is missing " in absence of the infatuation stage.

 

I think that, despite your aversions chasing the strong chemistry, there DOES need to be an element of excitement. It just feels like your Ex skipped out on the. Falling " in love part entirely.... Falling in love happens fast, it's the growing to love the person that takes longer and bypasses the butterflies and MANY men will often put a halt to things once they realise that they aspire to something more " intense"

 

Or maybe he just lacks a bit of empathy in general? I've known men who lack the ability to feel very strong emotions.

 

In any case, I am sure you won't repeat this same mistake. Fireworks aren't necessary for a happy marriage, but both parties should feel a little excitement ( I can see you did but he obviously never did although I am sure he really liked you as a person and was attracted to you).

[TheBathWater]

Gang:

 

The other day I was at my BF's place. He was taking a shower, I was getting dressed. The shirt I put on had been sitting on the bed, and once I was wearing it I noticed there was a hair on it. I pulled it off and it was long, dark, and wavy—nothing like what my looks like (long, light, stick-straight). My immediate reaction was WHOSE EFFING HAIR IS THIS? But as I started thinking, I began to think it could really be anyone's hair. I'm borrowing the car of a friend on mine whose hair looks like that, for instance. And knowing what I know of my BF, I just don't think he'd have it in him to cheat.

 

Still, when he came out of the shower, he saw me looking at something, and I said, I'm trying to figure out whose hair this could be. I didn't really mean it in an accusatory sense, but he said, "well I haven't brought anyone here." Eventually I said it was probably my friend's hair.

 

Now, I don't actually think my BF had been unfaithful. I feel bad though that by asking him about whose hair that might have been, he thinks that maybe I don't trust him. He's not the type to tell me if something bothers him, but I don't want to go around insulting him accidentally, and I know it's important to him that the people in his life trust him.

 

We didn't talk about it the rest of the weekend, and for all I know he's not dwelling on it. Do you think it's worth apologizing about, though? If it's not an issue, I don't want to harp on it unnecessarily, but if I did offend him, I do want him to know that it wasn't my intention. Sorry if this sounds totally whackadoo—I've been "in my head" all day about this, so I may not be having the clearest thoughts about the topic.

 

Again, I really don't think the issue here is whether he's cheating. I just want to know if I should apologize or just not bring it up again. Thanks.

 

Bring it up for the sake of open communication.

 

You: "What was it like for you when I brought up the hair strand the other day?"

 

[he responds]

 

You: "The energy in that situation felt unusual for me. It has been on my mind since, and I feel like I had to just follow up with you about it to see what it was like for you. I trust you, but sometimes the survival/mating instinct kicks in and we can switch to protective mode".

[losangelena]

Bring it up for the sake of open communication.

 

You: "What was it like for you when I brought up the hair strand the other day?"

 

[he responds]

 

You: "The energy in that situation felt unusual for me. It has been on my mind since, and I feel like I had to just follow up with you about it to see what it was like for you. I trust you, but sometimes the survival/mating instinct kicks in and we can switch to protective mode".

 

Thanks, but please read the last couple of pages for updates. My BF broke up with me this weekend.

[losangelena]

I'm really sorry to hear you're hurting.

 

However, I never thought it sounded like a very deep " soul " connection. Feelings didn't seem to ever be that intense.... At least from his end.

 

Women have a good ability to fall in love despite the lack of an intense beginning... Where as men don't. If a man isn't love crazy at the beginning ( for instance, he doesnt fall very hard for you), men are very apt at feeling like " something is missing " in absence of the infatuation stage.

 

I think that, despite your aversions chasing the strong chemistry, there DOES need to be an element of excitement. It just feels like your Ex skipped out on the. Falling " in love part entirely.... Falling in love happens fast, it's the growing to love the person that takes longer and bypasses the butterflies and MANY men will often put a halt to things once they realise that they aspire to something more " intense"

 

Or maybe he just lacks a bit of empathy in general? I've known men who lack the ability to feel very strong emotions.

 

In any case, I am sure you won't repeat this same mistake. Fireworks aren't necessary for a happy marriage, but both parties should feel a little excitement ( I can see you did but he obviously never did although I am sure he really liked you as a person and was attracted to you).

 

Leigh, I'm (finally) inclined to agree with you in this situation. Even my mom said, "you were comfortable, but you two didn't have any passion." I think in our situation, that deep connection was NOT there, and as I said initially about the break-up, there wasn't enough there to get him to push through the anxiety of commitment. If he was more invested, I think sure, the idea of commitment would have inspired a normal amount of angst, but not to where it's insurmountable, as it is now for him.

[No_Go]

I'm sorry that the things didn't work out.

 

I think it is big time the fact that it was his first relationship and he didn't want what to do / how he should feel / how to behave.

 

I remember I had the same with my first relationship (btw comparing just the break ups, not the relationship - ours was disfunctional). He was also from a different cultural background, and I didn't feel right to introduce him to family (in our case, even friends). So at 1 year, I though... I am not invested enough with him, I don't know how to incorporate him in my life, and I think I am stringing him along... So I sent him a long explanatory break up e-mail... He was not the person for me - that's for sure, but even if he was - I'd probably break up with him because I didn't know what to expect and in my fantasy world, the relationships were all glamorous...

 

Oh, and also his trip - it was probably to clear up his thoughts. Before sending the break up to my ex from this first relationship, I remember I flew to another country - for a night - just to be alone, relax, and sum up thoughts. His reaction again seems similar..

 

But I think you should not dig too much into the reasons. I'd say if it was you that did something wrong, it could give you an useful feedback, but it was likely just him... feeling insecure. Also don't underestimate the visa/Gr. card pressure if it didn't come through...

 

I think it was just all about bad timing... But also a big learning experience for both of you, so just focus on what you learned, not what you lost (I know it is easier said than done).

 

Yep, this is true. It's almost as if, because it was his first, he just kind of did what he thought he HAD to do, as someone who has a GF, not because he really wanted to.

 

I dunno. He just got back from a week-long bike trip about three weeks ago. Everything felt so good and close before he left and when he came back he was different, distant. I keep on trying to think about what he said the other night, but it's like I can't remember exactly, my mind sort of blocking it out in the shock of the moment. I suppose it's a fool's folly to expect clarity from someone like him, but god I wish we could have a long debrief. I know that it probably wouldn't change anything, but I guess I'm at that stage where the initial tears are over and it's like, time to try and analyze. I really want to skip this stage, though.

 

I know, I KNOW that longterm, I would have been unhappy, but I just hate knowing that it's just ... over.

 

I agree with what everyone is saying, just sort of "ruminating out loud" here.

[TheBathWater]

Thanks, but please read the last couple of pages for updates. My BF broke up with me this weekend.

 

Sorry to hear. I typically don't read others' posts so my response is not influenced by their thoughts.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I'm (finally) inclined to agree with you in this situation. Even my mom said, "you were comfortable, but you two didn't have any passion." I think in our situation, that deep connection was NOT there, and as I said initially about the break-up, there wasn't enough there to get him to push through the anxiety of commitment. If he was more invested, I think sure, the idea of commitment would have inspired a normal amount of angst, but not to where it's insurmountable, as it is now for him.

 

I've never said it has to be instant fireworks either. I just so happen to never take more than two dates to become really into someone. I DO NOT speak for ALL woman....Many women grow intense feelings and passion without the initial strong spark. Men? Not so much.

 

I just find that the men who fall head over heels tend to fall in love within three months.

 

There are actually a lot of dating experts who advocate thst the vast majority if happy relationships and marriages are between people who don't share intense chemistry. The experts claim that most healthy couples bypass the infatuation period entirely. But even these experts purport that SOME spark Is necessary. Just not fireworks. Just not someone you're enamoured with....

 

The thing is, whilst you probably could have been happy with 7/10 chemistry and amazing compatibility ( yes I also finally agree that not everyone will find the fireworks), you guys seemed to have 5/10 chemistry and 6/10 compatability maybe 7/10 compatibility.

[losangelena]

Do you guys subscribe at all to the Enneagram personality theory?

 

I feel like this gives a pretty good description for what (I think) happened between us:

 

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-9-type-9/

[Eighty_nine]

LA, I'm really sorry to hear. I can't find the post now but somewhere you said you tend to see things through to the bitter end (or something like that). I do, too and there's been many times when I wish I got our earlier, without giving things every possible last chance. Maybe the silver lining is that this didn't get strung out.

 

You mentioned he'd been distant. Other than that, was the breakup sort of out of nowhere? Are you two NC now?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yep, this is true. It's almost as if, because it was his first, he just kind of did what he thought he HAD to do, as someone who has a GF, not because he really wanted to.

 

I dunno. He just got back from a week-long bike trip about three weeks ago. Everything felt so good and close before he left and when he came back he was different, distant. I keep on trying to think about what he said the other night, but it's like I can't remember exactly, my mind sort of blocking it out in the shock of the moment. I suppose it's a fool's folly to expect clarity from someone like him, but god I wish we could have a long debrief. I know that it probably wouldn't change anything, but I guess I'm at that stage where the initial tears are over and it's like, time to try and analyze. I really want to skip this stage, though.

 

I know, I KNOW that longterm, I would have been unhappy, but I just hate knowing that it's just ... over.

 

I agree with what everyone is saying, just sort of "ruminating out loud" here.

 

And I think he's in his early thirties right?

[preraph]

If he was the product of an arranged marriage, you have to consider that he may not even have the capacity for deep love considering his role models were not a love match but an arrangement. You aren't born with the ability to love. You learn it in different forms. He might know how to love a child but not a wife. Who knows. Sorry it turned out this way.

[BluEyeL]

It is hearsay but my understanding is that it would be really difficult to have an indian man marry you as a foreigner. Family and tradition have a huge hold on them, even when they're not living at home. They date white women but most of them ultimately marry the indian girl the family approves of.

[anna121]

If he was the product of an arranged marriage, you have to consider that he may not even have the capacity for deep love considering his role models were not a love match but an arrangement. You aren't born with the ability to love. You learn it in different forms. He might know how to love a child but not a wife. Who knows. Sorry it turned out this way.

 

FTR...love can blossom in arranged marriages.

[losangelena]

It is hearsay but my understanding is that it would be really difficult to have an indian man marry you as a foreigner. Family and tradition have a huge hold on them, even when they're not living at home. They date white women but most of them ultimately marry the indian girl the family approves of.

 

I actually asked him if this was a factor, and he seemed adamant that it wasn't.

 

I understand what you're saying, and I'm not trying to make excuses for him, because I really don't know either way, but I don't know if this will be the case for him. There's something about his cultural upbringing or family dynamic that he found so intolerable that he voluntarily left it and has about ... zero percent desire to return. He's an individualist from a collective society; he's already willing to eschew the desires of his family by living here and seeking permanent residency, so it makes sense that who he dates/sleeps with/marries will not fall in line with his family's wishes either. Not that it has a lot of bearing on my life now, but I don't actually know how true it is in his case.

[losangelena]

And I think he's in his early thirties right?

 

Yep, he turned 31 this year.

[losangelena]

LA, I'm really sorry to hear. I can't find the post now but somewhere you said you tend to see things through to the bitter end (or something like that). I do, too and there's been many times when I wish I got our earlier, without giving things every possible last chance. Maybe the silver lining is that this didn't get strung out.

 

You mentioned he'd been distant. Other than that, was the breakup sort of out of nowhere? Are you two NC now?

 

 

Thanks.

 

Yeah, it was kind of from left field. He had been acting a bit strange/out of character in the few weeks since he came back from his bike trip. And it's so strange because he CALLED me every night while on the road. He hardly ever called me, ever. He seemed so appreciative of the fact that I'd driven him to San Francisco to start his trip. It did seem like such a fast 180. I mean, he bought me an expensive bottle of perfume for our one-year just a week ago.

 

I had a moment of panic yesterday when I was telling a friend the story of what happened; I wondered if he was telling me he was unhappy or unsure, but I was the one who wrongly misinterpreted it as him wanting to break up. He said he was unsure and didn't know if he wanted/could continue, but maybe he was wanting me to try and assuage his fears. Like maybe I should have fought harder or something.

 

I kept telling him it isn't what I wanted, that I wanted to stay together, and even on Saturday morning, when I told him I was trying to find a ride, he said, "where are you going?" and I said, "home; from our conversation yesterday it seemed like you wanted to break up with me." He got an upset look on his face when I said that but didn't say anything to the contrary. Then, when my ride was there, I told him that I was scared to leave and that, again, I didn't want to, but felt it was best to give him some time and space and he agreed. Then he said I should take all my stuff when I asked. That sounds pretty definitive, though right?

 

Maybe this is just all part of the process, but I'm scared now that maybe he didn't want to break up at all, but just talk about how unhappy he was, and I jumped the gun and caused this. Ugh.

 

 

Anyway. To answer your other question, yes we've been no contact.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yep, he turned 31 this year.

 

How long have you 2 been together now?