Feel like I may have said something wrong

[losangelena]

How long have you 2 been together now?

 

Dude, a year. It was a year last week.

[lana-banana]

I had a moment of panic yesterday when I was telling a friend the story of what happened; I wondered if he was telling me he was unhappy or unsure, but I was the one who wrongly misinterpreted it as him wanting to break up. He said he was unsure and didn't know if he wanted/could continue, but maybe he was wanting me to try and assuage his fears. Like maybe I should have fought harder or something.

 

I kept telling him it isn't what I wanted, that I wanted to stay together, and even on Saturday morning, when I told him I was trying to find a ride, he said, "where are you going?" and I said, "home; from our conversation yesterday it seemed like you wanted to break up with me." He got an upset look on his face when I said that but didn't say anything to the contrary. Then, when my ride was there, I told him that I was scared to leave and that, again, I didn't want to, but felt it was best to give him some time and space and he agreed. Then he said I should take all my stuff when I asked. That sounds pretty definitive, though right?

 

Maybe this is just all part of the process, but I'm scared now that maybe he didn't want to break up at all, but just talk about how unhappy he was, and I jumped the gun and caused this. Ugh.

 

If he didn't want to break up he would have told you that. He would have fallen all over himself to explain he was just unhappy and wanted to talk. He certainly wouldn't have told you to take your things when you left. (Could he really not even buy a cab to take you home? Jesus, that's cold.)

 

I still believe someone else was the impetus. People, especially people as passive as your ex, don't develop a spine and make sudden changes overnight. Without someone else I think this relationship could have gone on indefinitely---unhappily but indefinitely.

[Oregon_Dude]

The guy is a douchebag who can't communicate his feelings, has zero experience in the dating world, and is highly influenced by his cultural beliefs.

 

OTOH, you tolerated being treated subpar for far too long, OP. Ultimately it's a good thing that this ended, but I feel like you need to address your own somewhat co-dependencies in this thing.

[losangelena]

If he didn't want to break up he would have told you that. He would have fallen all over himself to explain he was just unhappy and wanted to talk. He certainly wouldn't have told you to take your things when you left. (Could he really not even buy a cab to take you home? Jesus, that's cold.)

 

I still believe someone else was the impetus. People, especially people as passive as your ex, don't develop a spine and make sudden changes overnight. Without someone else I think this relationship could have gone on indefinitely---unhappily but indefinitely.

 

Yes, yes I agree with you. Which stage of grief is this? Denial? Bargaining?

 

I personally am not so sure about the other person theory. Again, I don't say that to make myself feel better, it just seems so highly unlikely that this is his motivation. My personal feeling, however unbiased I can be, is that the months of never expressing himself, saying what he wanted, realizing what he wanted, and tamped down anger and anxiety all came to a head and he like, short-circuited. I mean, if he never made an assertive move with me, someone he stayed with for a year, and said he felt certain about at one time, it doesn't make sense that a switch would flip and he'd change personality overnight.

 

But I thank you for your analysis and comments thus far, despite not quite agreeing.

 

The guy is a douchebag who can't communicate his feelings, has zero experience in the dating world, and is highly influenced by his cultural beliefs.

 

OTOH, you tolerated being treated subpar for far too long, OP. Ultimately it's a good thing that this ended, but I feel like you need to address your own somewhat co-dependencies in this thing.

 

Again, yes I agree with most of what you're saying, though I would ask that you please not refer to him as "douchebag" or any other such term, because yes it's true that he's out of touch with his feelings and is awful at communicating and also inexperienced, but he is definitely not a douchebag, or a jerk, or a**hole, or any of the above. If anything, it was his gentleness and kindness that made me stick around for longer than was probably wise.

 

I can see how I contributed to this; I have never said it was an ideal relationship or that I can't see the silver lining in it being over. I do think ultimately that we are both better off, but it's still sad, and I still feel sad about it. I realized last night that I was unable, or unwilling to do what I always said I wanted him to do, which was to express concerns and dislikes or problems in a mature and productive way. Now, part of that was because past attempts (with him) had gone so poorly, that I grew a bit gun shy, but instead of trying to find a better way of doing it (or giving up entirely) I would eventually just slide into a sort of apathy about it, or think, I'll just deal with it on my own, or maybe this will get better "some day." So yes, I am complicit in this—and could tell you plenty of stories about how my codependency used to be so much worse—but again, I'm still disappointed it couldn't work out.

 

Regardless, I appreciate both your comments!

[katiegrl]

If he didn't want to break up he would have told you that. He would have fallen all over himself to explain he was just unhappy and wanted to talk. He certainly wouldn't have told you to take your things when you left. (Could he really not even buy a cab to take you home? Jesus, that's cold.)

 

I still believe someone else was the impetus. People, especially people as passive as your ex, don't develop a spine and make sudden changes overnight. Without someone else I think this relationship could have gone on indefinitely---unhappily but indefinitely.

 

I am inclined to agree with lana. Perhaps he met someone on his bike trip? You said he started acting strange upon his return - behaving out of the ordinary.

 

 

And yeah...ironic how he was never able to make decisions for the entire year he dated you, then suddenly he returns from a bike trip, starts acting strange, and makes one of the biggest decisions one has to make....ending a LTR.

[lana-banana]

Yes, yes I agree with you. Which stage of grief is this? Denial? Bargaining?

 

I personally am not so sure about the other person theory. Again, I don't say that to make myself feel better, it just seems so highly unlikely that this is his motivation. My personal feeling, however unbiased I can be, is that the months of never expressing himself, saying what he wanted, realizing what he wanted, and tamped down anger and anxiety all came to a head and he like, short-circuited. I mean, if he never made an assertive move with me, someone he stayed with for a year, and said he felt certain about at one time, it doesn't make sense that a switch would flip and he'd change personality overnight.

 

This is exactly why I think it's someone else. He was never assertive with you because he never felt a desire to be. Then he met someone who inspired him and he was certain he wanted to date. Armed with that certainty, he ended things with you.

 

Your theory is possible, it just seems extremely unlikely without any outside impetus. He seemed content enough to float along while you did all the hard work and worrying. If I recall correctly, the only times he showed annoyance in the relationship were when you were disproportionately anxious and asked him about certain things. I don't think the would suddenly decide to break it off absent any outside incident.

[katiegrl]

I am inclined to agree with lana. Perhaps he met someone on his bike trip? You said he started acting strange upon his return - behaving out of the ordinary.

 

 

And yeah...ironic how he was never able to make decisions for the entire year he dated you, then suddenly he returns from a bike trip, starts acting strange, and makes one of the biggest decisions one has to make....ending a LTR.

 

^^Tried to edit but too late.

 

 

LA, something or someone was pushing him to take this action....or as lana said inspired him enough to want to take this action.

 

 

Yeah, I really do think there's another woman involved somewhere....

 

 

Gut feeling.

 

 

But the bottom line is what you and everyone have been saying all along. It just wasn't right.... you knew and he knew it.

 

 

Now you can move on and find a man who IS right.

Edited September 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Ha talking gut feelings here... I agree it is something or someone pushing it, but I highly doubt it is another woman *

My top guesses are:

- parents - unexpected visit? (I've done insane things to hide someone- from blocking calls to switching housing, break up is maybe his reaction?)

- fed up with immigration situation (when I was in one, I'd NEVER admit it to my BF, since ALL people around me would translate "pushing him to get married")

- peer pressure - (some of) his friends told him they are not a match, and his lack of experience made him very hesitant (I considered breaking up with my BF after my roommate told me "I'm too anxious with him and can do better"- I believed it at the time)

 

* The guy seems very introverted - as one I can say it is a torture for me to meet new people, including dates - I highly doubt it is easy for him, and that he'll go for the stress after being in a comfortable relationship

 

^^Tried to edit but too late.

 

 

LA, something or someone was pushing him to take this action....or as lana said inspired him enough to want to take this action.

 

 

Yeah, I really do think there's another woman involved somewhere....

 

 

Gut feeling.

 

 

But the bottom line is what you and everyone have been saying all along. It just wasn't right.... you knew and he knew it.

 

 

Now you can move on and find a man who IS right.

[losangelena]

Yeah, I agree with No_Go. I hear what you guys are saying, I do, but he's SO shy, SO reserved, that I highly, highly doubt he met another woman. There's no way that a woman he met 3 weeks ago on a bike trip would inspire such strong feelings. He's so unsure about ... well, everything, that something like that would not move him. A bike trip he took by himself, btw.

 

But I understand what you're saying.

 

I think he had a week of undistracted alone time. Away from me and his x-box and work, he couldn't just numb himself out for a week, and he had to sit with his feelings, finally.

 

Plus, based on what he told me the other night, it was clear that he DID have a lot of anxiety in this relationship, but I was the only one to ever voice those. I wouldn't say this was not actual a comfortable relationship for him. He admitted that he, after a year, hadn't gotten completely comfortable. I don't think he could see a way to make it less uncomfortable without it getting more uncomfortable first, and he just threw in the towel. Again, having just spent the last year with him, that sounds more likely than, I met someone.

[joseb]

I don't know the full details of your relationship.

It seems on ls that very often if a guy breaks up with someone all the female respondents suspect someone else is involved. For me personally, and most guys I know, another person is not usually the cause.

 

Spending a couple of weeks biking is exactly the kind of thing that might lead me to make changes in my personal life, or my job.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure it's worth spending too much time worrying about what inspired him. From what I've read, it kinda sounds like he is doing you both a favour.

[BluEyeL]

I also don't really think it's another woman . Rather the one year mark is often make it or break it, when things are moving towards serious commitment and thinkng of plans for the future, do I want this person to be with me forever. He doesn't know how to be in a relationship, he doesn't feel totally stable in his career/visa etc, and he's indian he most likely when ready will settle down with an Indian woman, if ever to settle down.agree no point in analyzing too much. Someone better for you is out there.

[jjtr]

If he didn't want to break up he would have told you that. He would have fallen all over himself to explain he was just unhappy and wanted to talk. He certainly wouldn't have told you to take your things when you left. (Could he really not even buy a cab to take you home? Jesus, that's cold.)

 

I still believe someone else was the impetus. People, especially people as passive as your ex, don't develop a spine and make sudden changes overnight. Without someone else I think this relationship could have gone on indefinitely---unhappily but indefinitely.

 

I don't necessarily agree with this. I don't know the guy, obviously, but I think there's a chance something triggered this seemingly sudden change of mind and he was being reactionary and didn't know what else made sense other than a break up.

 

I haven't backread, but how well he is at communicating his feelings, etc. would probably be able to help understand it.

[losangelena]

I don't necessarily agree with this. I don't know the guy, obviously, but I think there's a chance something triggered this seemingly sudden change of mind and he was being reactionary and didn't know what else made sense other than a break up.

 

I haven't backread, but how well he is at communicating his feelings, etc. would probably be able to help understand it.

 

He's not, at all. That's been a big issue from the beginning, and he's even said that he has a problem with, when something is bothering him, that he won't say it. Instead of saying what he wants, he'll go along with what others want, most of the time. It's almost like he doesn't know what his own wants and needs are, so it takes him a LONG time to realize something is bothering him.

 

Is it easy being in a relationship with someone like that? Not at all. I mean, the several times he was outwardly unhappy, I'm the one who had to practically drag it out of him. Even this break up. He came home and immediately went and laid down. He was obviously in a bad mood, so I asked, do you want to leave you alone for a while, and he said yes. About 45 minutes later, I noticed that he was just laying there looking at his phone, so I went in and asked if I could join him. He said yes, but even THEN he wasn't going to say anything.

 

I was like, what's up, are you mad at me, and then he launched into how he didn't think this would work, something is missing, he's not happy, he's felt this way since his bike trip. He also said that he felt like I didn't want to spend time with him, or that it was out of obligation (that's WAY from left field), and how he felt like we never did anything together, which also seemed like an out-there complaint, since he had (again) never stated his displeasure over these things.

 

I kept asking if he felt like these things were things he thought we could work on, and he's like, I don't know. It did seem very reactionary, you're right, but it's almost like the specter of trying to communicate how he felt, or take the steps to make it better, were too much for him. This is how he deals with a lot of problems, by the way. When he had to find a new apartment? All he did was complain that he wasn't going to find anything. He absolutely shuts down in the face of stress.

 

Now, I don't think me having to drag things out of him is fair. At all. I was really resisting this time, because he's been so moody for the past couple of weeks, but I though, I'll ride it out, but I wonder what he would have done if I hadn't gone in there. Was he just planning on acting like a jerk until I broke it off? That probably would've been easier on his ego. But I do wonder if he actually did want to break up, since he legitimately was wondering why I was making plans to leave on Saturday morning, like now I'm the one breaking up with him, or giving up, or refusing to listen, or unwilling to pull yet more information out of him. Yes, I know I repeatedly said I didn't want this, and that I wanted to stay with him, I wonder if he actually heard that.

 

As time goes on I'm less WORRIED about that, but still wondering.

 

I doubt very much that he has the verbal acuity to A) explain how he's feeling, and B) figure out a way to what he wants.

[fitnessfan365]

Even my mom said, "you were comfortable, but you two didn't have any passion." I think in our situation, that deep connection was NOT there, and as I said initially about the break-up, there wasn't enough there to get him to push through the anxiety of commitment. If he was more invested, I think sure, the idea of commitment would have inspired a normal amount of angst, but not to where it's insurmountable, as it is now for him.

 

Just catching up now. Sorry for this LA. We hear about so many short term relationships on here, and the fact that you made it over a year was refreshing to me. Plus, you're one of my favorite posters on here and I hated hearing this happened to you.

 

But I quoted the above post because I always got that vibe from it too. What jumped out at me is when he prioritized his hobby and buying computer parts over you. That doesn't scream fully invested to me. So while you'll definitely need time to deal and move on, I'm guessing that when you finally do meet the next guy you want to get serious with, you'll feel a lot more passion with it. Good luck!

[losangelena]

Just catching up now. Sorry for this LA. We hear about so many short term relationships on here, and the fact that you made it over a year was refreshing to me. Plus, you're one of my favorite posters on here and I hated hearing this happened to you.

 

But I quoted the above post because I always got that vibe from it too. What jumped out at me is when he prioritized his hobby and buying computer parts over you. That doesn't scream fully invested to me. So while you'll definitely need time to deal and move on, I'm guessing that when you finally do meet the next guy you want to get serious with, you'll feel a lot more passion with it. Good luck!

 

Thanks, FF.

 

Oh, I KNOW. I know. I'm such a fixer and doer, that right now I'm just in that overanalyzing stage where I try and figure out a way to make things different. It's very typical for me to look at a situation like this and go, "OK, how could I have made the outcome different?" And ruminate about how perhaps breaking up wasn't his intent, but because I'm the one who didn't stay and keep working on it, that now it's over, like it's my fault. Because if it's my fault, that means I can do something to fix it.

 

But I know that choosing to do nothing is actually a more powerful/assertive stance on my end, because that's sending the message that I'm no longer willing to be the one who does all the dragging out. If he wants this, he will need to do that work. That would be an (unlikely), fundamental shift in our dynamic, but that's the only way it will work.

 

I'm rambling. But more to your point—I agree with you. I told him the other night that I never fully felt confident in how he felt about me, that I had just eventually assumed that he must just convey his devotion in non-verbal ways. But looking back I feel like I never really convinced myself of that fact, and always wondered. I'm not sure I'll ignore that gut feeling again, or the next relationship I get into, I'll know that I can't move forward with that same kind of anxiety. I have dated guys who did not make me feel uncertain, so I know what the difference feels like.

 

I was hanging out with a girlfriend on Saturday, and she was telling me about her BF, and how he tells her that the relationship is important to him, and that he wants it to work out (he also said "I love you" after three months). She said that he'd dated women in the past that he felt ambivalent about, and never said those things. It was hard for me to hear what she was saying, for obvious reasons, but it dawned on me too, that that's the kind of thing you WANT and NEED to hear from your partner. Some kind of sign that they're invested. I took it as a real benchmark to look out for for next time.

 

So, yeah, as sad as I still am, and as the reality of the loss sinks in, I still know, ultimately, that this relationship had a lot of qualities that were not ideal, and that while it wasn't BAD, I can do better. I know this. Everything else in the meantime is simply thrashing about.

[Eighty_nine]

Thanks.

 

I had a moment of panic yesterday when I was telling a friend the story of what happened; I wondered if he was telling me he was unhappy or unsure, but I was the one who wrongly misinterpreted it as him wanting to break up. He said he was unsure and didn't know if he wanted/could continue, but maybe he was wanting me to try and assuage his fears. Like maybe I should have fought harder or something.

 

I kept telling him it isn't what I wanted, that I wanted to stay together, and even on Saturday morning, when I told him I was trying to find a ride, he said, "where are you going?" and I said, "home; from our conversation yesterday it seemed like you wanted to break up with me." He got an upset look on his face when I said that but didn't say anything to the contrary. Then, when my ride was there, I told him that I was scared to leave and that, again, I didn't want to, but felt it was best to give him some time and space and he agreed. Then he said I should take all my stuff when I asked. That sounds pretty definitive, though right?

 

Maybe this is just all part of the process, but I'm scared now that maybe he didn't want to break up at all, but just talk about how unhappy he was, and I jumped the gun and caused this. Ugh.

 

 

Anyway. To answer your other question, yes we've been no contact.

 

this will be an unpopular opinion, but reading this i think there's some possibility that he didn't go in to this discussion sure that it would lead to a break up. He seems kind of lost in life in general. The conversation seemed to naturally progress toward a breakup, and so he went with it.

 

that said, it sounds like breaking up was still the best thing for you. but i know it can be tough, if they're not really sure about ending things but not really sure about being in them... a very painful place to be. where you are, with things being officially over, is probably better.

 

also, he very well may miss and contact you. so maybe you should think about your response should that happen.

[lana-banana]

Lots of good advice and perspectives here. For what it's worth, I didn't mean to imply he was carrying on with another woman or anything, just that he may have met someone who made him stop and say "whoa". We often don't realize just how unhappy we are until someone reminds us what we're missing. It also seemed more likely since this was his first relationship, and not one he was really serious about; it would be only a matter of time until either of you met someone that changed everything.

 

Now that this guy is gone we can focus on a more interesting topic: you! You say that you've met men who didn't make you feel uncertain. So why did you spend so long on this guy? Were you just ignoring your gut instinct because you ended up heartbroken the last time that happened? (No judgment, I'm speaking from experience here...ouch!) I don't know what your long-term relationship goals are, but if marriage and/or children are involved, why did you spend so long with someone who felt uncomfortable with you having a toothbrush at his place? A year is just far too long to spend on a guy who constantly puts you at the bottom of his priority list.

 

Also, I know you don't want us to call him names, and I'll respect your wishes, but making your friend pick you up after he dumped you is just utterly cruel. No amount of cultural miscommunication can justify that.

[losangelena]

Replies in bold. Thanks, Lana!

 

Lots of good advice and perspectives here. For what it's worth, I didn't mean to imply he was carrying on with another woman or anything, just that he may have met someone who made him stop and say "whoa". We often don't realize just how unhappy we are until someone reminds us what we're missing. It also seemed more likely since this was his first relationship, and not one he was really serious about; it would be only a matter of time until either of you met someone that changed everything.

 

[i am still not convinced it was another woman who spurred it on, but I do agree with you that he did finally realize how unhappy he was. I think he just went along to get along for a LONG, LONG time, and stuffed his opinions and emotions until they all exploded. I had misread his passivity as patience and politeness.

 

I woke up this morning thinking about how mad he seemed, and how hurt about ... something. I know how it is to go through life unable to ask for what you want and expecting the other person to know, so I "get" his pain, but at the same time, I'm realizing how unfair it was to me—unfair that he expected me to be a mind reader, unfair that he was absolutely unable or unwilling to bring issues up a way that we could work through them, or even voice a consenting opinion most of the time. I know that I too was not the best at that, but I also feel like I was trying.]

 

Now that this guy is gone we can focus on a more interesting topic: you! You say that you've met men who didn't make you feel uncertain. So why did you spend so long on this guy? Were you just ignoring your gut instinct because you ended up heartbroken the last time that happened? (No judgment, I'm speaking from experience here...ouch!) I don't know what your long-term relationship goals are, but if marriage and/or children are involved, why did you spend so long with someone who felt uncomfortable with you having a toothbrush at his place? A year is just far too long to spend on a guy who constantly puts you at the bottom of his priority list.

 

[Good question; in this instance, it was a confluence of factors. By the time I had met him, I had been dating at a fairly brisk clip (meeting an average of a new guy every week-and-a-half for a year), and had just finished a summer fling with a small-time drug dealer, and was just tired. Here was this guy, who was so laid back and kind and polite, I thought ... maybe. The comfort of it was very attractive.

 

I did have gut moments along the way of, "this is not going to work," but, having dealt with major anxiety in the past, I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was because things in the relationship weren't right, or if it was just my own issues. I thought, because I myself am not great at confrontation, that it was unfair to break up over things I didn't have the stones to bring up; when I did bring things up, yeah they were hard to get though, but things eventually seemed to get better. Plus, I was attached after a while, and the thought of breaking up was scary.

 

All those factors lead to things going past their natural point. However, I NOW know, and feel OK that things went as long as they did, because I have a certain perspective now that I may not have had, had we broken up earlier.]

 

Also, I know you don't want us to call him names, and I'll respect your wishes, but making your friend pick you up after he dumped you is just utterly cruel. No amount of cultural miscommunication can justify that.

 

[This too, I don't necessarily agree. First, he didn't realize I was trying to leave, and besides, that's what I wanted. There's no way I wanted to take a 40-minute Uber ride in that condition, and I also didn't want to be stuck in a car with him for that long, either. I don't see it as cruel at all. I got out of there, and into the arms of my loving, supportive friends—win/win.]

Edited September 16, 2015 by losangelena

[BluEyeL]

I see how you're doubting now but I think he did want to break up and was happy that you accepted it.

[losangelena]

I see how you're doubting now but I think he did want to break up and was happy that you accepted it.

 

I totally agree. I think he is relieved.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

and I believe he got his first girlfriend at age 29 or 30 right?

[losangelena]

and I believe he got his first girlfriend at age 29 or 30 right?

 

Dude, no. I am his first, he was 30.

 

If you want to know more about the fact that we're both advanced in age in each others' first relationship, please just ask.

 

No offense, but this trickling of questions is tiresome. Just please ask what you want to ask.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Dude, no. I am his first, he was 30.

 

If you want to know more about the fact that we're both advanced in age in each others' first relationship, please just ask.

 

No offense, but this trickling of questions is tiresome. Just please ask what you want to ask.

 

Just trying to get inspirational late bloomer stories, so you are both each others first? He was 30 at the time he first met you?

[fitnessfan365]

No offense, but this trickling of questions is tiresome. Just please ask what you want to ask.

 

I agree w/LA and it's been getting on my nerves too.

 

Anytime I come across a thread that involves a late bloomer, BAJ won't stop grilling the OP w/questions to make himself feel better. My advice? Start sending a PM w/your questions and leave the threads alone.

[losangelena]

Yes, yes he was. I am not going to answer that question again.

 

I don't think age necessarily plays into it. Emotional maturity and availability are much more important. For him, he grew up in a culture where people didn't casually date (India), so he had zero experience when he came to America. Add the fact that he weighed just over 100 lbs when he got here, means he had some serious self confidence issues to work through.

 

It wasn't until he started lifting at the gym about 18 months ago that he started to gain weight and build confidence and begin dating. Still, without a basis for healthy communication, it made things very difficult.

 

For me, I would be open to dating a man with not a lot of dating experience, but he would have to be emotionally available and willing to work through small problems in the relationship and communicate. Yes, those things are learned in context of a relationship, but he was not even really willing to try.

 

I don't know how inspirational our story is, since we broke up, but I feel like our general lack of experience doesn't have too much to do with it.