Feel like I may have said something wrong

[Redhead14]

Hey thanks everyone.

 

Yes, I know I have a tendency to take too much responsibility for things at times. It's happened in the past where I'll have said or done something that inadvertently hurt someone, and am then left to figure it out on my own, so I'm a bit paranoid of that happening here.

 

He seemed fine after that incident—maybe a little quite, but that's nothing too out of the ordinary for him. Tuesday I texted him and he took hours to reply; yesterday I didn't hear from him at all. Again, not totally strange, but the lack of communication, plus what happened this weekend are starting to concern me. It's that stupid anxiety math—where x + y = OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING.

 

Now, my rational mind is telling me that I shouldn't even want to be with someone who is just going to disappear like that if something's wrong. I mean, even if there was a subtext of "are you cheating" in that interaction, should that have really been enough to drive someone away? Why would he not care enough about the relationship to even say something? I guess I have abandonment fears or something, 'cause this is causing me a lot of anxiety.

 

It is his emotional responsibility to let you know when/if something is bothering him. If he is emotionally mature, he will do that in a non-confrontational way.

 

If you are this concerned about all this, you can have a casual conversation with him to check the "temperature" of the relationship. This should be done periodically anyway.

 

Say something like "I love you and am enjoying the relationship we have. Are there any things you think we should do differently or things we should work on or anything that bothers you? And, then let him talk.

[BluEyeL]

I don't think you should apologize. I think you're not worried about the hair, but instead you're worried about his texting patterns. There is something in the relationship itself that is provoking this anxiety in you.

 

You have to control your anxiety, it usually ruins things. I don't think you gave enough information to be able to comment confidently. Is this not answering to texts in a long time something that changed recently? Was he instantly replying before? Is it normal that he doesn't contact you for an entire day? If there is no change of pattern you're fine. If there is a change of pattern though (i.e. he usually replies faster and/or doesn't really skip days of contact) it could very well be that he's pulling back.

 

That perception triggered your anxiety and with your suggested apology you're trying to overcompensate. Do not do that! If he's pulling back, the only way to draw him back in (unless he already decided to break up) is to act like you don't care. Don't provoke relationship discussions and do not apologize. Do not show weakness and anxiety. Continue to be nice, happy, like nothing is wrong and if it's meant to be, it'll be OK.

 

I would be very concerned about the lack of texting/replying myself, but that's because in my relationship we always reply to texts instantly and we never skipped a day of contact. So that would be a huge red flag. But in your case it could be nothing. Either way, you do the same. Act like nothing is wrong and see what happens in time. Control your emotions.

[Redhead14]

I don't think you should apologize. I think you're not worried about the hair, but instead you're worried about his texting patterns. There is something in the relationship itself that is provoking this anxiety in you.

 

You have to control your anxiety, it usually ruins things. I don't think you gave enough information to be able to comment confidently. Is this not answering to texts in a long time something that changed recently? Was he instantly replying before? Is it normal that he doesn't contact you for an entire day? If there is no change of pattern you're fine. If there is a change of pattern though (i.e. he usually replies faster and/or doesn't really skip days of contact) it could very well be that he's pulling back.

 

That perception triggered your anxiety and with your suggested apology you're trying to overcompensate. Do not do that! If he's pulling back, the only way to draw him back in (unless he already decided to break up) is to act like you don't care. Don't provoke relationship discussions and do not apologize. Do not show weakness and anxiety. Continue to be nice, happy, like nothing is wrong and if it's meant to be, it'll be OK.

 

I would be very concerned about the lack of texting/replying myself, but that's because in my relationship we always reply to texts instantly and we never skipped a day of contact. So that would be a huge red flag. But in your case it could be nothing. Either way, you do the same. Act like nothing is wrong and see what happens in time. Control your emotions.

 

This is absolutely correct. It's about balance always. If he is behaving as if everything is OK, then you balance your emotions accordingly. Texting habits change on a dime according to circumstances, i.e. busy, distracted by something else, etc. You don't actually KNOW why he's not responding so don't assume anything. Let him reach out to you first now. This is a matter of balance as well. You reach out and wait from him. Don't text or call him again.

 

Even if he's pulled away a little, let him pull. You stay centered and if all is well again, he will spring back. Don't question him about the lack of response when he does contact you. Let him talk and go from there.

[Gaeta]

Tuesday I texted him and he took hours to reply; yesterday I didn't hear from him at all. Again, not totally strange, but the lack of communication, plus what happened this weekend are starting to concern me. It's that stupid anxiety math—where x + y = OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING.

 

I think it has nothing to do with him feeling disrespected.

 

I think he knows he's done something wrong and he almost got caught. He's letting the dust fall.

 

Sorry I know I am not helping your anxiety.

 

Go back to your initial post. When you told him you were wondering who's hair that was he immediately went in defense mode 'well I have not brought anyone else here'. - I don't like that answer. As if there are others he just does not bring them home.

 

Also that long hair on the bed is from someone laying on that bed, or has transferred from him to his bed. I don't believe a hair in your friend's car got inside your bag of clothes, then on his bed.

[Redhead14]

The hair was on her shirt. She doesn't know that the hair was on the bed and transferred to the shirt. Right now, this is about "guilty until proven innocent" reverse justice and based on very circumstantial evidence. Unless she's had prior empirical evidence to further support "suspicion", she needs to let this drop and continue to observe. This is how things get blown out of proportion and unmanageable.

 

Since he always responded instantly for so long, wouldn't you say it was just a matter of time and odds that he may be busy for an innocent reason at some point?

 

This thread started out with the OP's concern that she had said something wrong, not that she was suspicious of him. She has only become suspicious now that the thread has grown.

 

OP, relax and let things unfold as they will. Wait for him to reach out to you and see what he says about what he's been doing or what else is going on in his life right now.

 

His response to her questioning the hair was not defensive. He simply understood the implication and what may be in her head about it. If he had become nervous, stuttered or otherwise appeared shifty in his response, I'd wonder a little. It sounds like he said it very matter of fact. Is he a good liar?

Edited May 28, 2015 by Redhead14

[Diezel]

The hair was on her shirt. She doesn't know that the hair was on the bed and transferred to the shirt. Right now, this is about "guilty until proven innocent" reverse justice and based on very circumstantial evidence. Unless she's had prior empirical evidence to further support "suspicion", she needs to let this drop and continue to observe. This is how things get blown out of proportion and unmanageable.

 

Bingo.

 

Because who has ever been asked, "I wonder whose hair this is?" and it NOT imply something?

 

But regardless, she shouldn't apologize unless he said it bothers him. That's on him.

[JADIE]

On a related side note, how do you get people to open up in relationships? I'd love to have a big, long heart to heart with my BF—if even to only get to know him better!—but I know there's like, a snowball's chance in hell in that ever happening.

 

I know exactly what you're dealing with...my BF sounds a lot like yours in that respect...he shuts down when I feel the need to discuss something serious. So much so that the first time I questioned something he did (via txt, prolly NOT a great idea) and how it made me feel, he flat dumped me and cut all contact for 4 months. I was totally shocked that a simple opening to discuss something could turn into a major event for him. But he was two years out of a bad marriage and I guess it triggered something for him...he took it as a personal attack, nowhere near how it was intended! That was 3 yrs ago, and it has taken some real tongue-biting on my end and gentle persistence and I have to say, some real effort on his part to understand that when I want to have a deep talk, it's in the interest of improving how we relate to each other, not to try to change him or show him where he's falling short. I've learned to phrase things as non-threatening as I can and emphasize that what I FEEL is not necessarily how things REALLY are; that sometimes I just need his help to cope with myself/my feelings.

 

I know "they" say the bedroom is not the place to start relationship talks, but that's when we have had the BEST talks and cleared up old hurts...after sex when the walls are down. Outside the bedroom, I've found that humor helps a ton and absolutely, touch is a must when I'm trying to get a point across. I tend to be kinda direct, and these approaches let me air my concerns without coming across aggressive about "getting my way". And as I read this thread and was thinking, "Just like <my guy>!" I realized he has not shut down/ventured into the man-cave in many months...he's learned to open up more and I've learned to shut up while I'm ahead :D:D

[minime13]

I think it has nothing to do with him feeling disrespected.

 

I think he knows he's done something wrong and he almost got caught. He's letting the dust fall.

 

Sorry I know I am not helping your anxiety.

 

Go back to your initial post. When you told him you were wondering who's hair that was he immediately went in defense mode 'well I have not brought anyone else here'. - I don't like that answer. As if there are others he just does not bring them home.

 

Also that long hair on the bed is from someone laying on that bed, or has transferred from him to his bed. I don't believe a hair in your friend's car got inside your bag of clothes, then on his bed.

 

I don't think so. The OP herself said she's not worried about cheating, but that she may have offended him inadvertently because he tends to close himself off.

 

I shed like a dog, and find my hair in everything imaginable. Even in my fridge at one point.

 

The hair was a red herring - the real problem is the lack of communication that is manifesting itself to make this situation one that she feels the need to overcompensate for. It's a "just in case," which leads me to believe that getting him to talk about his feelings and personal issues seems to be like pulling teeth. The lack of appropriate responses for texts were not out of the ordinary, like the OP said. However, it is bothersome for her because it sends her into a tailspin of wondering if she may have done something wrong, when it is simply a matter of him not communicating the way he should.

 

To the OP: communication can make or break a relationship. This is a conversation waiting to happen, because this is a non-issue, and it has gotten you worked up. Just think of what will happen if there is something that needs to be discussed. Nip it in the bud and talk to him about your concerns (not the hair, but communication in general). Either he's receptive or not. If not, then you may have to make some choices.

[losangelena]

The hair was on her shirt. She doesn't know that the hair was on the bed and transferred to the shirt. Right now, this is about "guilty until proven innocent" reverse justice and based on very circumstantial evidence. Unless she's had prior empirical evidence to further support "suspicion", she needs to let this drop and continue to observe. This is how things get blown out of proportion and unmanageable.

 

Since he always responded instantly for so long, wouldn't you say it was just a matter of time and odds that he may be busy for an innocent reason at some point?

 

This thread started out with the OP's concern that she had said something wrong, not that she was suspicious of him. She has only become suspicious now that the thread has grown.

 

OP, relax and let things unfold as they will. Wait for him to reach out to you and see what he says about what he's been doing or what else is going on in his life right now.

 

His response to her questioning the hair was not defensive. He simply understood the implication and what may be in her head about it. If he had become nervous, stuttered or otherwise appeared shifty in his response, I'd wonder a little. It sounds like he said it very matter of fact. Is he a good liar?

 

Exactly, Redhead, thank you. I agree with you entirely on this.

 

I will reiterate—I DON'T THINK MY BF IS CHEATING.

 

He is an awful liar. His hands get VERY sweaty at the first sign of any kind of anxiety—it is his tell. I'm thankful for it, actually (even though it makes holding hands at the movies difficult, lol), because I know if he's getting nervous about something. He wasn't wiping his hands at all when we had that discussion, not at all acting like someone who "got caught."

 

For the record, the hair was on my shirt. The shirt was in amongst a laundry basket full of (clean) clothes that were sitting out, in the open, in her car. In fact, said shirt was sitting under a hoodie that I'd worn inside my friend's apartment when I went to go check on her cat. It's not a huge leap to assume that it belongs to my friend.

 

Onto the texts.

 

I sent him a link on Tuesday afternoon, a silly story about a "cat burglar" up in Oregon—an actual cat who steals its neighbors' shoes, etc, 'cause it was funny and the kind of thing we send to each other. It wasn't something that even needed a reply. That evening, he sent a text asking how my day had been, and by his tone, I could tell he'd had a busy day. Later, I was in an "adult" toy store buying some joke birthday gifts for a friend, I sent BF a photo of penis-shaped macaroni and cheese, and we joked about that for a bit.

 

It's not strange for him to go a whole day without texting. It doesn't happen very often, but it has happened. He could very well be busy at work, as last week he was complaining that he was having a hard time with a couple of co-workers. Of course, timing-wise it's fairly awful, as I'm sitting here feeling all anxious.

 

I am trying to keep this on a sane level and just sit with it. I go through periods of feeling alright and feeling sh*tty. I know this is the pattern my anxious mind goes in; I know what anxiety is able to convince my mind of (nothing good, usually); as a former hypochondriac who spend the better part of the year completely convinced that I was literally dying of various diseases, I know that anxiety can make all kinds of ridiculous fears seem real. This is the exact same feeling. With posting here, I'm hoping that y'all will help keep me sane.

[losangelena]

I know exactly what you're dealing with...my BF sounds a lot like yours in that respect...he shuts down when I feel the need to discuss something serious. So much so that the first time I questioned something he did (via txt, prolly NOT a great idea) and how it made me feel, he flat dumped me and cut all contact for 4 months. I was totally shocked that a simple opening to discuss something could turn into a major event for him. But he was two years out of a bad marriage and I guess it triggered something for him...he took it as a personal attack, nowhere near how it was intended! That was 3 yrs ago, and it has taken some real tongue-biting on my end and gentle persistence and I have to say, some real effort on his part to understand that when I want to have a deep talk, it's in the interest of improving how we relate to each other, not to try to change him or show him where he's falling short. I've learned to phrase things as non-threatening as I can and emphasize that what I FEEL is not necessarily how things REALLY are; that sometimes I just need his help to cope with myself/my feelings.

 

I know "they" say the bedroom is not the place to start relationship talks, but that's when we have had the BEST talks and cleared up old hurts...after sex when the walls are down. Outside the bedroom, I've found that humor helps a ton and absolutely, touch is a must when I'm trying to get a point across. I tend to be kinda direct, and these approaches let me air my concerns without coming across aggressive about "getting my way". And as I read this thread and was thinking, "Just like <my guy>!" I realized he has not shut down/ventured into the man-cave in many months...he's learned to open up more and I've learned to shut up while I'm ahead :D:D

 

Jadie, thanks for this. Helps make me feel a bit saner! I was talking to my brother about this last night. I accept the fact that my BF is not a place yet where clear, direct communication is comfortable. I know it could take quite a while before he IS willing to and able to contribute in such a way. I'm trying to figure out a way to best broach these things. It's a process. I feel better knowing that your BF has made progress. It gives me hope.

[Redhead14]

Exactly, Redhead, thank you. I agree with you entirely on this.

 

I will reiterate—I DON'T THINK MY BF IS CHEATING.

 

He is an awful liar. His hands get VERY sweaty at the first sign of any kind of anxiety—it is his tell. I'm thankful for it, actually (even though it makes holding hands at the movies difficult, lol), because I know if he's getting nervous about something. He wasn't wiping his hands at all when we had that discussion, not at all acting like someone who "got caught."

 

For the record, the hair was on my shirt. The shirt was in amongst a laundry basket full of (clean) clothes that were sitting out, in the open, in her car. In fact, said shirt was sitting under a hoodie that I'd worn inside my friend's apartment when I went to go check on her cat. It's not a huge leap to assume that it belongs to my friend.

 

Onto the texts.

 

I sent him a link on Tuesday afternoon, a silly story about a "cat burglar" up in Oregon—an actual cat who steals its neighbors' shoes, etc, 'cause it was funny and the kind of thing we send to each other. It wasn't something that even needed a reply. That evening, he sent a text asking how my day had been, and by his tone, I could tell he'd had a busy day. Later, I was in an "adult" toy store buying some joke birthday gifts for a friend, I sent BF a photo of penis-shaped macaroni and cheese, and we joked about that for a bit.

 

It's not strange for him to go a whole day without texting. It doesn't happen very often, but it has happened. He could very well be busy at work, as last week he was complaining that he was having a hard time with a couple of co-workers. Of course, timing-wise it's fairly awful, as I'm sitting here feeling all anxious.

 

I am trying to keep this on a sane level and just sit with it. I go through periods of feeling alright and feeling sh*tty. I know this is the pattern my anxious mind goes in; I know what anxiety is able to convince my mind of (nothing good, usually); as a former hypochondriac who spend the better part of the year completely convinced that I was literally dying of various diseases, I know that anxiety can make all kinds of ridiculous fears seem real. This is the exact same feeling. With posting here, I'm hoping that y'all will help keep me sane.

 

Fear and anxiety are really two different things. Fear is the result of an external stressor or source. Anxiety comes from internalized, perceived and not real threats. Fear causes a person to go into a fight or flight mode which actually gives the person a sense of control, whereas anxiety causes a person to become "paralyzed" and unable to get away from it and then the overthinking starts.

 

What you've said above shows that you are approaching this logically and are clear in your head about this situation. Trust yourself a little more. When you feel that anxiety it is important for you to have a constructive way of dealing with it. Go for a walk, do something that distracts you from it so that you aren't in your head so much.

[Gaeta]

 

For the record, the hair was on my shirt. The shirt was in amongst a laundry basket full of (clean) clothes that were sitting out, in the open, in her car. In fact, said shirt was sitting under a hoodie that I'd worn inside my friend's apartment when I went to go check on her cat. It's not a huge leap to assume that it belongs to my friend.

 

Ok that's fair. I thought you had packed a travel bag home and while it was sitting in your friend's car somehow her hair got inside it.

[kylle]

I think it has nothing to do with him feeling disrespected.

Also that long hair on the bed is from someone laying on that bed, or has transferred from him to his bed. I don't believe a hair in your friend's car got inside your bag of clothes, then on his bed.

 

Believe me, I never cheated or even felt the need for cheating, yet I got LOTS AND LOTS of trouble because of hair, it's unbelievable.

 

My fiancé has dark hair and she once found a long red hair stuck on my shirt. Man, hell was unleashed until I could make her see that it could have come from anywhere.

2 co-workers of mine are redheads (one is male btw), and I'm sure it came from one of them.

 

Another time she found a blond hair in the living room and hell was unleashed again until she accepted that it belonged to her friend, whose house she visited on that day.

 

Hair goes everywhere and it often get stuck in everything...

[losangelena]

Again, thanks.

 

I find this forum useful for getting my anxious thoughts out. That way I don't act out around my BF, though I'm not perfect at it by any means. But just as he's not a great communicator, I tend to be the anxious one—I think we're accepting of these traits in each other.

 

Jebus, relationships are tiring.

[Redhead14]

Again, thanks.

 

I find this forum useful for getting my anxious thoughts out. That way I don't act out around my BF, though I'm not perfect at it by any means. But just as he's not a great communicator, I tend to be the anxious one—I think we're accepting of these traits in each other.

 

Jebus, relationships are tiring.

 

Losangelena, you pointed out that he is not a great communicator. This is a typical trait for men. They are more or less conditioned to keep things to themselves, at least verbally. They are more outwardly demonstrative.

 

However, if you want him to be a better communicator, sometimes it's helpful if you show him how to communicate better. It seems to me that you are maybe a little bit that way yourself and thus the anxiety.

 

I'm not saying that this scenario should be addressed anymore, but talk to him about other things that are bothering you. Don't be whiny or dramatic. You can say something like "you know X happened today and I'm not sure it's something to worry about, what do you think?" That shows and tells him what's going on in your head and shows him that you are comfortable talking about things that bother you and inviting him to do the same. If it's something about him, don't be critical, be supportive. "I noticed that you are little upset today, is there something I can help you with?" Give him the opportunity to talk if he wants to. If he doesn't, don't push it. You're just letting him know you're there for him. Just light casual conversations. And, don't harp on little tiny things, like the cap was off the toothpaste . I know sometimes little tiny things seem big to you It's not about what you say or ask, it's about how you say or ask.

[losangelena]

Yeah I agree. It's a weakness we both have, I think. He's so outwardly demonstrative, he definitely shows his love and care in ways for me that are not verbal. I guess that's why I feel so bad for potentially stepping on his toes. I mean, what if even the insinuation of asking about the hair was enough to completely turn him off? It's that that I feel most bad about. Because if he's offended by it, I'm afraid he's just going to deal with it by going silent and then, poof, everything is ruined. The fact that he's been to quiet this week kinda fans the flames.

 

I'm sure that sounds irrational. I do fear that happening, though. For the record, I do not get this way very often. This between us have been generally good as of late.

[Redhead14]

Yeah I agree. It's a weakness we both have, I think. He's so outwardly demonstrative, he definitely shows his love and care in ways for me that are not verbal. I guess that's why I feel so bad for potentially stepping on his toes. I mean, what if even the insinuation of asking about the hair was enough to completely turn him off? It's that that I feel most bad about. Because if he's offended by it, I'm afraid he's just going to deal with it by going silent and then, poof, everything is ruined. The fact that he's been to quiet this week kinda fans the flames.

 

I'm sure that sounds irrational. I do fear that happening, though. For the record, I do not get this way very often. This between us have been generally good as of late.

 

This between us have been generally good as of late -- then that's what you rest on. Unless there have been other heads up recently or his behavior was off before this, I wouldn't worry about it. It's just a hair. You didn't make a big deal of it and neither did he at that point. If he's not been thinking about it and you apologize or highlight it again in any way, it will plant a seed that may not have been there to start with.

 

See if he gets back to usual contact again and if he seems upset or distracted or anything, just say "I noticed you've been _____. Can I help. Do you want to talk about anything?

 

And, seriously, Losangelena, if he does poof after this amount of time together over this, he's got bigger issues. You did not come out and make an accusation. It was really a mindless, talking out loud, thing. And, if he's stewing about it, let him. He will come to you when he's ready. If he is stewing and you push it in any way, he will react negatively for sure.

 

In the meantime, do things for him that show you love him and appreciate him. Don't go overboard but do something nice for him, something small but unexpected maybe.

 

If it does come up and he was insulted, all you can do is apologize and tell him you realize it was a dumb question and promise to keep your anxieties in check from that point on.

 

I mean, what if even the insinuation of asking about the hair was enough to completely turn him off? -- If he can become completely turned off so quickly and without some discussion, there was a problem anyway.

 

I recommend getting away from this thread now. Give yourself a break. Go do something you like to do or call a friend you haven't talked to in a while. Let this die down. When you have this anxiety, it's good to vent it a little, but this thread has been going on for a while now. It's staying in your face.

Edited May 28, 2015 by Redhead14

[Gaeta]

I mean, what if even the insinuation of asking about the hair was enough to completely turn him off? -- If he can become completely turned off so quickly and without some discussion, there was a problem anyway.

 

I was going to say exactly that as well.

 

Also it's Thursday night, you guys have plans for the weekend? About offering him to do an activity he enjoys.

[jen1447]

Why not just get it out in the open hon, even if you don't apologize? I think what's stressing you out is just that you've got this thing hanging there between you now. Only one way to get rid of it.

[Redhead14]

Why not just get it out in the open hon, even if you don't apologize? I think what's stressing you out is just that you've got this thing hanging there between you now. Only one way to get rid of it.

 

 

She doesn't know if it's between them yet. She doesn't even know if he's thinking about it at all. If it struck him at all at the time but he let it go then, bringing it up and highlighting it again, may cause it to become an issue that doesn't really exist.

 

She is not responding to a real "threat". She is in her own head about this. He gave no indication that this was going to be a problem. He didn't overreact and was very matter of fact in his response. If he had become upset or behaved as if he were insulted at the time and they didn't discuss it then and has been moody or distracted since then, I'd agree she should address it.

[thegirlinquestion]

 

Again, I really don't think the issue here is whether he's cheating. I just want to know if I should apologize or just not bring it up again. Thanks.

 

yes, you should bring it up. dont guess or assume. bring it up in a nonconfrotational manner and just say hey listen I was thinking about the hair thing...and you?

 

my lady accuses me nonstop. all the time. at the gym when im driving to the gym and my phone is in my pocket but cant hear because I ride a scooter. or weddings I shoot or female photogs I worked with. all the time. half our conversation is me trying to convince her im loyal and devoted.

[smackie9]

yes, you should bring it up. dont guess or assume. bring it up in a nonconfrotational manner and just say hey listen I was thinking about the hair thing...and you?

 

my lady accuses me nonstop. all the time. at the gym when im driving to the gym and my phone is in my pocket but cant hear because I ride a scooter. or weddings I shoot or female photogs I worked with. all the time. half our conversation is me trying to convince her im loyal and devoted.

 

Having to constantly convince your GF your faithfulness is only playing into her fears......this is why the cycle continues. Stop defending yourself, shut her down, and her behavior will change.

[Phoe]

I'd say drop it... it's been too long to reasonably bring it back up, so it's probably best to forget feeling anxious about it and go ahead and move on.

 

Something similar happened to me with my ex, thick very long black hairs, but the hairs were actually in his blankets. I questioned it rather innocently, no accusation, wondering how random hairs could've ended up in there! He did get quite mad at me for it, and that's what was the problem... he reacted quite badly when I never meant to accuse.

 

Similarly was the time there was a hairbrush on his bathroom counter that wasn't mine. He comes to hand it to me "you left your brush here" - I told him it was not mine. The hair in it was blonde. He got a bit irritated at me and insisted that the brush was mine, until I quite calmly explained that the blonde hair in the brush definitely doesn't match the dark brown hair on my head. He then figured the brush must've been from a family member since people had been visiting.

 

You're not wrong for simply voicing curiosity. It's okay.

[losangelena]

Just an update:

 

I texted him on Thursday to say hi. Waiting really was killing me, and if I was just supposed to act normal, reaching out to him is part of that.

 

He texted back pretty much straight away, and by the end of our convo, he'd invited me over that evening.

 

So, him being upset was a non-issue all along. I really hate how I can create problems that aren't there out of thin air. I mean, I was really upset by it!

[losangelena]

So, I don't know if it'd be worth it to start a new thread or not, but I'll just keep to this one for now. I actually had a longer update all typed out, but it got eaten, so here's an abbreviated version:

 

I've been feeling lately that I'd like to go out on a proper date with my BF. We've fallen into a pattern of either going out with friends or staying at his place. I don't mind so much, but I would like to occasionally get dressed up and go out; I want to feel special and wanted.

 

There's a restaurant called Wally's, and one of our friends work there. We've been talking for a while about going. On Thursday, we saw our friend who works there and I say, "hey honey, can we go to Wally's next week?" He says, "sure."

 

Because that was kind of a vague question/answer, I asked him again yesterday morning by saying, "hey honey, do you think we could go to Wally's on Friday?" He'd mentioned earlier (before I'd asked the first time) that he needed to watch his money this week because he just bought $400 of computer parts and he gets paid Friday—hence, waiting for Friday. He rather distractedly says, again, "sure."

 

That afternoon (Monday afternoon), he was dropping me off at home, and had been a bit short and sarcastic on the drive. We say our goodbyes, and he says his typical, "see you soon?," to which I say, again, because I don't feel like I'd gotten a definitive answer, "so Wally's on Friday?" He hems and haws and says, "I want to, but my wallet is telling me no." Then I say, "it doesn't have to be Friday, but eventually. We haven't been out on a real date in a while and I want you to take me out." He says, "Friday should be fine." Then, he opens his car door and says, "unless I'm not done with the computer by Friday, then don't even come over," which I thought was a bit dickish but wrote off as a half-joke. My reply was to say, "fine, I'll just wait for you to tell me when you want me to come over." He came back over to me and was like, "just kidding." He didn't sound like he was kidding, though—he sounded annoyed and put upon.

 

Anyway, it was kind of a sour way to end the weekend. I can fully understand financial considerations, but if he wants to go somewhere other than Wally's (which isn't even THAT) expensive, then that's fine. I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing a desire for my BF to take me out on a proper date. What's wrong with feeling wanted? What's wrong with saying what I want? I didn't demand it of him. But I'm sure he interpreted it as me saying that he's not doing enough, which was probably especially galling to hear, especially after this weekend, when he'd taken care of me after I came down with a UTI.

 

I haven't heard from him today, and doubt I will. I just want him to go into his man cave for a while and work on his computer. I should probably just let this whole dinner thing drop right? I'm sure he's feeling pressure, and I don't want him to take me out just to fulfill some kind of obligation. Was I wrong to bring this up three times? I doubt he'd even have remembered saying yes the first time if I hadn't. Could I have done this better?

Edited June 3, 2015 by losangelena