Feel like I may have said something wrong

[BluEyeL]

So how many times a week do you guys meet?

[losangelena]

We see each other three – five times a week.

[BluEyeL]

And how long have you two been dating? Did he say he loved you? Have you been talking future, at least in general terms? Are you traveling together?

 

I think you should let go of the Friday date. Tell him you want to go out more but you understand is expensive and you know he's doing the best he can. Of course he should take you out but it has no value if you force it out of him. He knows you want to go out. Maybe you can organize some free outing, but one on one? A walk/picnic/something?

 

Honestly, it wouldn't be satisfying to me either. My BF and I have date night twice a week, and we stay in 3x/week, and we also go to the movies/concerts etc. Next Tu we're going to Maui. He is making me very happy. But that's the freedom money offers. Maybe your BF can't afford a lot of things but you can, in a week or two start organizing dates that are free.

[fitnessfan365]

One thing that's always being said is "Whoever came up with the idea/invite should be the one to pay". Since it was your idea to go to Wally's, technically that would fall on you LA. It may be a good gesture to treat especially since your BF just spent $400 on computer parts.

 

He'd probably appreciate it and return the favor in kind even better next time you two go out. Over the course of the relationship, has he done the majority of the paying?

[BluEyeL]

You can only expect what he freely gives. Anything else will not be satisfying and will end up in him resenting you. I think you should just let him give what he wants and then observe what he does, how he treats you, his character, and see if that makes you happy or not. Maybe he's helping you with things instead of paying for dates. Or does some other sweet things. Like rub your back often. Or whatever else he may do. If you look at the details and decide that he's not making you happy, you can't deal long term, then you can move on.

[BluEyeL]

Yes, i was also going to suggest you pay for the outing. But I'd let go of this Friday and have it at another time, I feel this Friday was a bit charged negatively already.

 

For example, my BF has a lot of money but he doesn't take me to fancy restaurants, he takes me to chains. I'm fine with chains for the most part, but I like fancy restaurants once in a blue moon. Now and then, I want to go to one. So I invite him and I pay. He tried to pay but I told him I cannot invite you to an expensive place and then ask you to pay. Problem solved.

[BluEyeL]

One thing that's always being said is "Whoever came up with the idea/invite should be the one to pay". Since it was your idea to go to Wally's, technically that would fall on you LA. It may be a good gesture to treat especially since your BF just spent $400 on computer parts.

 

He'd probably appreciate it and return the favor in kind even better next time you two go out. Over the course of the relationship, has he done the majority of the paying?

 

Yes, but the issue is not going to Wally's for her. For me, the issue now and then is going to a certain restaurant and then I pay. The issue for her is that she wishes he just organized more romantic dates and took her places to show he values her and romances her. It's not about WAlly's, I don't think.

[fitnessfan365]

Yes, but the issue is not going to Wally's for her. For me, the issue now and then is going to a certain restaurant and then I pay. The issue for her is that she wishes he just organized more romantic dates and took her places to show he values her and romances her. It's not about WAlly's, I don't think.

 

Oh I definitely get what the issue is. She misses going out on actual dates. But at the same time, she comes to him and says "I want you to take me out to Wally's". So in this case, since he is strapped for cash, she should treat which will make him feel appreciative. Especially if he is always doing the majority of the financial.

[BluEyeL]

Oh I definitely get what the issue is. She misses going out on actual dates. But at the same time, she comes to him and says "I want you to take me out to Wally's". So in this case, since he is strapped for cash, she should treat which will make him feel appreciative. Especially if he is always doing the majority of the financial.

 

Yes, I agree.

[Gaeta]

losangelina: When into your dating did you guys fall into this routine you're in? I think you've just past the 6 month mark right?

[losangelena]

I've been trying to think of how long this has been happening. We're just at nine months, actually. I mean, things have gotten more casual, for sure. I don't remember the last time we had a nice one-on-one date. I'm not a fancy person, but I do miss being romanced.

[losangelena]

Also, I do mean to reply to more messages, but I'm riding in a car on my phone, so it's hard. I can participate more later.

[lana-banana]

No, you're not unreasonable to expect a date night every now and again. We're nearing 11 months and also see each other roughly 3-5 times per week, but we have two date nights out and four at-home dates (someone makes dinner with flowers, massages, etc) per month. It helps because otherwise we're too busy!

 

When did this guy say "I love you"? How did he say it? How does he communicate his affection? Does he tell you you're beautiful, special, and so on? How is he romantic in your daily life? If he isn't romantic in general (but he should be at least a little; he is your boyfriend!) then he likely doesn't understand how important a date night can be.

 

[jen1447]

I'd make him take me to Wally's anyway fwiw. Tho I do like the you-take-him idea too.

[fitnessfan365]

I'd make him take me to Wally's anyway fwiw. Tho I do like the you-take-him idea too.

 

Haha.. While I've always liked your confidence Jen, this sounds pushy even for you. Last time I checked, people have free will. Unless you're used to dating men with no backbone that are complete pushovers.

 

But if my woman came to me and said "I want you to take me out" and I was honest about being strapped for cash at time, I'd tell her where to get off if she wasn't understanding and demanded I take her anyways. Just saying..

Edited June 3, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[jen1447]

No. You wouldn't. You'd take me to Wally's.

[Redhead14]

So, I don't know if it'd be worth it to start a new thread or not, but I'll just keep to this one for now. I actually had a longer update all typed out, but it got eaten, so here's an abbreviated version:

 

I've been feeling lately that I'd like to go out on a proper date with my BF. We've fallen into a pattern of either going out with friends or staying at his place. I don't mind so much, but I would like to occasionally get dressed up and go out; I want to feel special and wanted.

 

There's a restaurant called Wally's, and one of our friends work there. We've been talking for a while about going. On Thursday, we saw our friend who works there and I say, "hey honey, can we go to Wally's next week?" He says, "sure."

 

Because that was kind of a vague question/answer, I asked him again yesterday morning by saying, "hey honey, do you think we could go to Wally's on Friday?" He'd mentioned earlier (before I'd asked the first time) that he needed to watch his money this week because he just bought $400 of computer parts and he gets paid Friday—hence, waiting for Friday. He rather distractedly says, again, "sure."

 

That afternoon (Monday afternoon), he was dropping me off at home, and had been a bit short and sarcastic on the drive. We say our goodbyes, and he says his typical, "see you soon?," to which I say, again, because I don't feel like I'd gotten a definitive answer, "so Wally's on Friday?" He hems and haws and says, "I want to, but my wallet is telling me no." Then I say, "it doesn't have to be Friday, but eventually. We haven't been out on a real date in a while and I want you to take me out." He says, "Friday should be fine." Then, he opens his car door and says, "unless I'm not done with the computer by Friday, then don't even come over," which I thought was a bit dickish but wrote off as a half-joke. My reply was to say, "fine, I'll just wait for you to tell me when you want me to come over." He came back over to me and was like, "just kidding." He didn't sound like he was kidding, though—he sounded annoyed and put upon.

 

Anyway, it was kind of a sour way to end the weekend. I can fully understand financial considerations, but if he wants to go somewhere other than Wally's (which isn't even THAT) expensive, then that's fine. I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing a desire for my BF to take me out on a proper date. What's wrong with feeling wanted? What's wrong with saying what I want? I didn't demand it of him. But I'm sure he interpreted it as me saying that he's not doing enough, which was probably especially galling to hear, especially after this weekend, when he'd taken care of me after I came down with a UTI.

 

I haven't heard from him today, and doubt I will. I just want him to go into his man cave for a while and work on his computer. I should probably just let this whole dinner thing drop right? I'm sure he's feeling pressure, and I don't want him to take me out just to fulfill some kind of obligation. Was I wrong to bring this up three times? I doubt he'd even have remembered saying yes the first time if I hadn't. Could I have done this better?

 

There isn't anything wrong with letting him know what you want. You have to do that. He's not a mind reader. But, express it once "hey, I'd like it if we went to ______ on _______ or at least sometime soon."

 

You've mentioned it a couple of times now. Let it drop. I'd wait for a bit. If he doesn't set it up in a little while, then ask him again to go on a certain night and tell him it'll be your treat. He was feeling pressured that night and if he's got money trouble at the moment, you pushing it makes him feel bad for not being able to meet your needs. He was honest about the money and why it's tight. Harping on anything with a man is pressuring.

 

When you express a desire to a man and he is unable to do it at that time, you give him time to work it out and he will make it happen if he can.

Edited June 3, 2015 by Redhead14

[Gaeta]

I would not have asked 3 times that's for sure. I have too much of an ego to ask again and again.

 

I would have asked once and wait. If nothing came about I would have gotten all sexy, called a girlfriend and tell my boyfriend: Cindy and I are heading to Wally's tonight, I'm gonna wear my new red dress.

 

That should send the right message.

[fitnessfan365]

No. You wouldn't. You'd take me to Wally's.

 

Haha.. If you want a meal you can get into the kitchen and cook one for us woman. Bonus points if your apron is short enough

 

I've been trying to think of how long this has been happening. We're just at nine months, actually. I mean, things have gotten more casual, for sure. I don't remember the last time we had a nice one-on-one date. I'm not a fancy person, but I do miss being romanced.

 

I will say that I've never been a fan of complacency in relationships. I know that some people feel that after a certain period of time they can just be comfortable and stop trying as hard because they have the person. But when I've been in LTR's it didn't matter how long I was with a woman. I stayed in shape, still took her out on dates, and still went down on her in bedroom.

 

But I will also say that even though I do enjoy a more traditional dynamic, I think a woman should contribute financially from time to time. Since it was your idea and he is a bit cash strapped, find a way to communicate that he doesn't have to worry about paying this time around and it's your treat.

Edited June 3, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

I'd make him take me to Wally's anyway fwiw. Tho I do like the you-take-him idea too.

 

Just out of curiosity, how does one go about "making" another person do something? Threaten them? Cut off sex?

 

And even if you did succeed in making him take you, how much fun will you both actually have?

 

My mom dominated my dad and often made (manipulated) him into doing things, but he was miserable, grew to resent her and ultimately divorced her.

 

LA --- instead of *asking* him to take you (will YOU take me to Wally's?)...the implication being HE is responsible for your entertainment ...why not suggest you BOTH go together --YOUR treat?

 

As in "hey hon, let's go to Wally's on Friday. It'll be fun! My treat!"

 

I mean, are you BOTH not responsible for taking efforts to keep the relationship fresh and exciting? Why do you believe that is only his job?

 

The way you worded it, again as if HE is responsible for keeping you entertained and happy, IS putting pressure on him IMO. No wonder he often backs off.

 

To lanabanana, I get your boyfriend is super romantic, lots of I love you's, flowers, etc. but not all men express their love that way, so LA the fact your boyfriend does not behave in super romantic ways like that, does not mean he does not love you.

 

Focus on, accept and appreciate the things and ways he DOES show his love (like taking good care of you when you were sick --that's huge! --- instead of the things he is lacking.

 

You will BOTH be a lot happier for it.

 

If you can't..then walk away.

 

JMO

[smackie9]

Good lord if you want a date YOU take him out to Wally's, and then see if he starts to make excuses. If he does, then it's time to reassess this relationship.

[Redhead14]

I've been trying to think of how long this has been happening. We're just at nine months, actually. I mean, things have gotten more casual, for sure. I don't remember the last time we had a nice one-on-one date. I'm not a fancy person, but I do miss being romanced.

 

This is typical after a period of time in a relationship. It just gets comfortable/complacent. You could open a casual/non-confrontational conversation and say "hey, we've kinda gotten into a rut. I'd like to mix things up a little (and have some suggestions for the future)." Don't do this though until you know that the money issue is past.

 

If you want a little more romance, initiate it. Show him what you want. Make him a nice dinner at your place with candles, a movie you both like and dressy sexy and have something intimate to wear for later

[Gaeta]

This is typical after a period of time in a relationship. It just gets comfortable/complacent. You could open a casual/non-confrontational conversation and say "hey, we've kinda gotten into a rut. I'd like to mix things up a little (and have some suggestions for the future)." Don't do this though until you know that the money issue is past.

 

If you want a little more romance, initiate it. Show him what you want. Make him a nice dinner at your place with candles, a movie you both like and dressy sexy and have something intimate to wear for later

 

Considering they've been dating 9 months only and she can't remember last time they went out, don't you think it's kind of early in a relationship to be stuck in a rut?

 

I got this gut feeling he's taking her for granted.

[losangelena]

But I will also say that even though I do enjoy a more traditional dynamic, I think a woman should contribute financially from time to time. Since it was your idea and he is a bit cash strapped, find a way to communicate that he doesn't have to worry about paying this time around and it's your treat.

 

Let me nip this notion that I don't contribute financially in the bud.

 

Last Thursday he told me he had to watch his pennies for the week—no worries, I get it. We decided to go get groceries to make dinner that night, which I paid for. Saturday night, when we got a bite to eat, we split the check. Sunday night, when I decided to make food for the week, again we went to the grocery store, and again I paid. If he's strapped, it's fine. He's been in this situation before, so yes I do contribute quite a bit. I don't want to come off as a mooch and am careful to always offer to pay my share, buy him beers that I like when I see them, etc.

 

And yes, I'll admit that it is a bit hard when I know he's willing to drop $400 on a computer-building hobby, but taking me out for a $100 meal is suddenly too much. This is really the crux of this whole post, that sometimes I feel as if I'm the very last item on his priority list, or that his laziness extends to our relationship.

 

I feel like bringing it up three times was not a great idea either, or that maybe bringing it up this weekend was not great timing. But, I also felt like I needed him to understand it was the being taken out part that was important, not so much when or where—that didn't come up until the third time I mentioned it. You can bet that if I had just said it once, it would have never happened. I did explicitly say that if Friday is bad, then eventually.

 

In reply to lana-banana's post—we have not said "I love yous" yet, either of us. He shows his care physically—lots of snuggling, hand-holding, etc., or in doing practical things, like driving me home across town or installing more RAM into my computer. He also gets me flowers fairly often.

[jen1447]

Just out of curiosity, how does one go about "making" another person do something? Threaten them? Cut off sex?

 

And even if you did succeed in making him take you, how much fun will you both actually have?

 

My mom dominated my dad and often made (manipulated) him into doing things, but he was miserable, grew to resent her and ultimately divorced her.

 

 

That was really more of a cutesy way of demonstrating that I think losangelena shouldn't take no or brushoffs for an answer, but if it really was me, all it would take is a look and a few words and he'd do it. Not really domineering at all, more of a sexual play. We have to use our skills to our advantage after all.