Feel like I may have said something wrong

[Redhead14]

Let me nip this notion that I don't contribute financially in the bud.

 

Last Thursday he told me he had to watch his pennies for the week—no worries, I get it. We decided to go get groceries to make dinner that night, which I paid for. Saturday night, when we got a bite to eat, we split the check. Sunday night, when I decided to make food for the week, again we went to the grocery store, and again I paid. If he's strapped, it's fine. He's been in this situation before, so yes I do contribute quite a bit. I don't want to come off as a mooch and am careful to always offer to pay my share, buy him beers that I like when I see them, etc.

 

And yes, I'll admit that it is a bit hard when I know he's willing to drop $400 on a computer-building hobby, but taking me out for a $100 meal is suddenly too much. This is really the crux of this whole post, that sometimes I feel as if I'm the very last item on his priority list, or that his laziness extends to our relationship.

 

I feel like bringing it up three times was not a great idea either, or that maybe bringing it up this weekend was not great timing. But, I also felt like I needed him to understand it was the being taken out part that was important, not so much when or where—that didn't come up until the third time I mentioned it. You can bet that if I had just said it once, it would have never happened. I did explicitly say that if Friday is bad, then eventually.

 

In reply to lana-banana's post—we have not said "I love yous" yet, either of us. He shows his care physically—lots of snuggling, hand-holding, etc., or in doing practical things, like driving me home across town or installing more RAM into my computer. He also gets me flowers fairly often.

 

he's willing to drop $400 on a computer-building hobby, but taking me out for a $100 meal is suddenly too much -- He didn't know you wanted to go to Wally's when he planned to work on his hobby. And, why shouldn't he work on his hobby. If he was spending money on you prior to this and now wants to take some for himself, there isn't anything wrong with that.

 

Observe what happens after he's done with the project. If he goes back to spending on you, you're all good.

 

He shows his care physically—lots of snuggling, hand-holding, etc., or in doing practical things, like driving me home across town or installing more RAM into my computer. He also gets me flowers fairly often. -- You are focusing on this one negative and probably just a blip when he's doing all these other nice things for you. If there were more negatives than this and more than positives, I'd get why you're feeling this way. If you harp on one time negatives, he'll stop doing all the other things.

 

Wait til this all passes and go from there. If it's an ongoing thing and he continues to put all his money into that, then re-evaluate.

[katiegrl]

Let me nip this notion that I don't contribute financially in the bud.

 

Last Thursday he told me he had to watch his pennies for the week—no worries, I get it. We decided to go get groceries to make dinner that night, which I paid for. Saturday night, when we got a bite to eat, we split the check. Sunday night, when I decided to make food for the week, again we went to the grocery store, and again I paid. If he's strapped, it's fine. He's been in this situation before, so yes I do contribute quite a bit. I don't want to come off as a mooch and am careful to always offer to pay my share, buy him beers that I like when I see them, etc.

 

And yes, I'll admit that it is a bit hard when I know he's willing to drop $400 on a computer-building hobby, but taking me out for a $100 meal is suddenly too much. This is really the crux of this whole post, that sometimes I feel as if I'm the very last item on his priority list, or that his laziness extends to our relationship.

 

I feel like bringing it up three times was not a great idea either, or that maybe bringing it up this weekend was not great timing. But, I also felt like I needed him to understand it was the being taken out part that was important, not so much when or where—that didn't come up until the third time I mentioned it. You can bet that if I had just said it once, it would have never happened. I did explicitly say that if Friday is bad, then eventually.

 

In reply to lana-banana's post—we have not said "I love yous" yet, either of us. He shows his care physically—lots of snuggling, hand-holding, etc., or in doing practical things, like driving me home across town or installing more RAM into my computer. He also gets me flowers fairly often.

 

Thanks for clarifying. I take back what I said about you feeling he needs to entertain you.

 

You are doing and contributing a lot!

 

Yes, I do believe he IS taking you for granted. He may not realize it...you need to tell him IMO.

 

If he becomes defensive or feels attacked, then you may want to rethink this entire relationship.

 

Feeling anxious and off balance, which in reading your threads about him, is often how you feel in this relationship is not healthy.

 

I don't know how much relationship experience you have LA, but this is NOT how it's supposed to go.

[losangelena]

I mean, are you BOTH not responsible for taking efforts to keep the relationship fresh and exciting? Why do you believe that is only his job?

 

The way you worded it, again as if HE is responsible for keeping you entertained and happy, IS putting pressure on him IMO. No wonder he often backs off.

 

Katie, if it were up to him, I would be over at this place pretty much every day, and we would spend most of our time watching TV and sleeping (and having sex). Occasionally he would go play video games.

 

I'm pretty much the one who does all the social planning. Friends' get-togethers, concerts, weekend trips, walking tours, weddings—in the last few months, I am the one who's suggested pretty much every out-of-the-house activity that we've gone and done. And when he doesn't want to do something, I give him plenty of leeway to stay home.

 

The notion that I'm making it seem like he's responsible for making me happy is ridiculous.

 

About expressing gratitude for what he does—I agree with you, and in fact, I DID thank him for letting me hole up in his apartment all weekend while I wasn't feeling well. He kind of blew it off and was like, "I like having here," as if to say that there's no need to thank him, and I said, "I know, but still I'm grateful."

 

But yes, I agree that timing-wise, it probably wasn't the greatest move to bring up going out right after this weekend.

[Gaeta]

Katie, if it were up to him, I would be over at this place pretty much every day, and we would spend most of our time watching TV and sleeping (and having sex). Occasionally he would go play video games.

 

 

This is not being in a relationship and this is not loving someone.

 

This is him using someone to fill a void.

 

How old is he? How long were his previous relationships?

[katiegrl]

Katie, if it were up to him, I would be over at this place pretty much every day, and we would spend most of our time watching TV and sleeping (and having sex). Occasionally he would go play video games.

 

I'm pretty much the one who does all the social planning. Friends' get-togethers, concerts, weekend trips, walking tours, weddings—in the last few months, I am the one who's suggested pretty much every out-of-the-house activity that we've gone and done. And when he doesn't want to do something, I give him plenty of leeway to stay home.

 

The notion that I'm making it seem like he's responsible for making me happy is ridiculous.

 

About expressing gratitude for what he does—I agree with you, and in fact, I DID thank him for letting me hole up in his apartment all weekend while I wasn't feeling well. He kind of blew it off and was like, "I like having here," as if to say that there's no need to thank him, and I said, "I know, but still I'm grateful."

 

But yes, I agree that timing-wise, it probably wasn't the greatest move to bring up going out right after this weekend.

 

I realize that now..... Pls read my subsequent post. I posted it after I read your response to fitnessfan....

[losangelena]

If you want a little more romance, initiate it. Show him what you want. Make him a nice dinner at your place with candles, a movie you both like and dressy sexy and have something intimate to wear for later

 

I do like this notion, though it's impossible to pull off. I have three roommates, one of whom is a pearl-clutcher when it comes to any kind of sexual activity, so we stay primarily at his place.

 

He doesn't have a table (he just got a couch).

 

But yes, I do get your notion, that I should go ahead and initiate. However, I feel like I initiate a lot of everything in our relationship, and don't want to initiate this as well.

 

I feel as if it's time for me to pull back again for a bit and let him pick up the slack.

[losangelena]

I realize that now..... Pls read my subsequent post. I posted it after I read your response to fitnessfan....

 

Yes I know. I didn't see it til after I posted.

[fitnessfan365]

Let me nip this notion that I don't contribute financially in the bud.

 

Last Thursday he told me he had to watch his pennies for the week—no worries, I get it. We decided to go get groceries to make dinner that night, which I paid for. Saturday night, when we got a bite to eat, we split the check. Sunday night, when I decided to make food for the week, again we went to the grocery store, and again I paid. If he's strapped, it's fine. He's been in this situation before, so yes I do contribute quite a bit. I don't want to come off as a mooch and am careful to always offer to pay my share, buy him beers that I like when I see them, etc.

 

And yes, I'll admit that it is a bit hard when I know he's willing to drop $400 on a computer-building hobby, but taking me out for a $100 meal is suddenly too much. This is really the crux of this whole post, that sometimes I feel as if I'm the very last item on his priority list, or that his laziness extends to our relationship.

 

Well earlier in the thread I did ask about the financial dynamic. Since you never responded, I just took that as him being the one to do most of the paying. However, based on what you added here, you're definitely helping out financially and contributing.

 

Also, I get why you feel resentment. You're having to pick up the slack financially because of a hobby of his which isn't business related or a necessity. It's funny because an ex GF from years and years ago would do the same thing to me. She always said that she was broke and couldn't help out financially. Yet she'd spend money on herself all the time. So once again, the resentment you feel isn't lost on me.

 

Maybe he is just bad with money though. Some people live in the moment and spend money frivolously without knowing how to budget or plan. If he is naturally bad with money, that's something you may have to take into account. Luckily for me my mom's an accountant and had me balancing a checkbook by the time I was nine years old..LOL So that combined with past work experience, etc prepared me well financially.

[losangelena]

This is not being in a relationship and this is not loving someone.

 

This is him using someone to fill a void.

 

How old is he? How long were his previous relationships?

 

I'm not going to go too far down this path. I do not want this thread turning into a bash session.

 

All I'll say is that this is his first relationship. That should be fairly obvious, lol.

[Gaeta]

I'm not going to go too far down this path. I do not want this thread turning into a bash session.

 

All I'll say is that this is his first relationship. That should be fairly obvious, lol.

 

How old is he?

[losangelena]

How old is he?

 

He just turned 31 this year.

[katiegrl]

I do like this notion, though it's impossible to pull off. I have three roommates, one of whom is a pearl-clutcher when it comes to any kind of sexual activity, so we stay primarily at his place.

 

He doesn't have a table (he just got a couch).

 

But yes, I do get your notion, that I should go ahead and initiate. However, I feel like I initiate a lot of everything in our relationship, and don't want to initiate this as well.

 

***I feel as if it's time for me to pull back again ****

 

for a bit and let him pick up the slack.

 

Quote in asterisk.... I agree. But NOT as a strategy to force him to step up...pull back for YOU!!

 

Focus on YOU and what YOU are actually getting from this relationship. If you constantly have to pull back to get him to step up...what's the point.....that is exhausting!

 

Relationships should enhance and add to your life, they should make you feel secure and at peace...happy!

 

Not anxious, off balance, over-thinking, overanalyzing, strategizing, pulling back, etc.

 

I would rather be alone than in a relationship like that..

[Redhead14]

Katie, if it were up to him, I would be over at this place pretty much every day, and we would spend most of our time watching TV and sleeping (and having sex). Occasionally he would go play video games.

 

I'm pretty much the one who does all the social planning. Friends' get-togethers, concerts, weekend trips, walking tours, weddings—in the last few months, I am the one who's suggested pretty much every out-of-the-house activity that we've gone and done. And when he doesn't want to do something, I give him plenty of leeway to stay home.

 

The notion that I'm making it seem like he's responsible for making me happy is ridiculous.

 

About expressing gratitude for what he does—I agree with you, and in fact, I DID thank him for letting me hole up in his apartment all weekend while I wasn't feeling well. He kind of blew it off and was like, "I like having here," as if to say that there's no need to thank him, and I said, "I know, but still I'm grateful."

 

But yes, I agree that timing-wise, it probably wasn't the greatest move to bring up going out right after this weekend.

 

Losangelena: My perception of the quality of your relationship with him has been changing as this thread has unfolded. It now appears that it is one-sided. You are doing most of the work. This needs to be addressed head on in order for you to relieve the anxiety you are experiencing.

 

You need to have a conversation with him to check the "temperature" of the relationship sooner than later. You can open the conversation by saying "I've been enjoying the relationship we have and want things to move forward and would like to discuss things we can do differently or that need to be addressed in order to facilitate moving forward." And, then let him talk.

 

You may be giving him "rope" to hang himself with . . . meaning you may hear him say he doesn't know what he wants yet or he's not sure, etc. If he does, then you take some space for yourself and to let him think about where he is on it all.

 

I was thinking that your anxiety was a little unfounded, but perhaps not.

Were you two on the same page from the very beginning about what you wanted for yourselves in general? Is he at least thinking he wants the long term committed relationship with you now? Maybe he is, maybe he's not.

[losangelena]

You are focusing on this one negative and probably just a blip when he's doing all these other nice things for you. If there were more negatives than this and more than positives, I'd get why you're feeling this way. If you harp on one time negatives, he'll stop doing all the other things.

 

Wait til this all passes and go from there. If it's an ongoing thing and he continues to put all his money into that, then re-evaluate.

 

I tried not to frame it as a negative, though. I told him that it had been a long time since we'd gone out on a real date and that I wanted him to take me out. Yes, it's come out as a negative here, but that's what LS is for—venting.

 

There are positive things I like about him. He is generous in other ways. I thank him for those all the time. Still, I do feel as if I rank rather low on his priority scale, and I think that's where all the bad mojo comes from.

[Gaeta]

He just turned 31 this year.

 

I am not trying to pick but......

 

He's 31 and this is his 1st relationship.

 

He puts hundreds of dollars on his hobbies (at 31).

 

His definition of dating is spending time home watching tv and playing video games.

 

Are you dating Sheldon Cooper?

 

If yes then you will have to accept him the way he is which sounds a little boring. What is a girl like you doing with a guy like this? You don't sound compatible to me.

[Redhead14]

I tried not to frame it as a negative, though. I told him that it had been a long time since we'd gone out on a real date and that I wanted him to take me out. Yes, it's come out as a negative here, but that's what LS is for—venting.

 

There are positive things I like about him. He is generous in other ways. I thank him for those all the time. Still, I do feel as if I rank rather low on his priority scale, and I think that's where all the bad mojo comes from.

 

Still, I do feel as if I rank rather low on his priority scale, and I think that's where all the bad mojo comes from -- Exactly. Now is the time to get this under control. The longer you allow this to go on, it will build to a crescendo and come out in ways that will certainly undermine the relationship potential moving forward.

 

I'd stop be available to him so much. Make yourself busy, I mean actually busy. He's probably at least on the path of taking you for granted. Make plans for yourself that don't include him. Don't cut off from him. You can and should still be intimate with him because that is a bridge you can't uncross. Withholding sex would come off as being used as a weapon or tool of manipulation. But, he needs to realize that you are more valuable.

[katiegrl]

LA...maybe Redhead is right....time to start asking the hard questions!

 

But you need to be prepared to walk away IF he doesn't answer the way you hope.

 

Which, after reading all your various threads, is most likely what the outcome will be.

 

Because, the bottom line is...at least IMO, is that if he truly wanted to give you the things you need, that ANY woman would need, like a freaking night out once in awhile at the very least, he WOULD be.

 

You would not need to *ask* for it, or pull back, etc...because that is how a man **instinctivly** behaves when they are in love and want to make their gf happy.

 

Asking him defeats the purpose. A man should give feely from his heart because he *wants* to all on his own... not because you had to ask him to... or strategize getting him to (like pulling back).

[clia]

Was Valentine's Day your last dinner out with him? I remember that thread. His indifference about things like this has been an ongoing problem for you throughout the relationship. And I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way. I would have a real problem with a guy who spent $400 on his hobby and then couldn't even contribute to the cost of groceries or pick up the dinner tab. (And I'm guessing you cooked for him?)

 

I tend to agree that you are doing far too much in this relationship and it seems like the two of you maybe just aren't very compatible. While he does do some things for you, he isn't giving you what you need to be happy. I would definitely have a hard time being with a guy who had to be practically forced to take me out to dinner or to get up off his butt and do something other than play video games or watch TV.

[jen1447]

I think Gaeta's idea of going out to have fun without him would work to that end tho too - not like you're gonna bang the first guy you run into, but it's just sending a message that being treated properly and valued is important to you and that if he doesn't do it, you'll take care of it yourself.

 

I agree it would be a good idea to make a stand on this in general, and I think he can actually be trained yet at this stage, esp if he's inexperienced. He just needs to learn how to treat a real woman properly.

[Redhead14]

LA...maybe Redhead is right....time to start asking the hard questions!

 

But you need to be prepared to walk away IF he doesn't answer the way you hope.

 

Which, after reading all your various threads, is most likely what the outcome will be.

 

Because, the bottom line is...at least IMO, is that if he truly wanted to give you the things you need, that ANY woman would need, like a freaking night out once in awhile at the very least, he WOULD be.

 

You would not need to *ask* for it, or pull back, etc...because that is how a man **instinctivly** behaves when they are in love and want to make their gf happy.

 

Asking him defeats the purpose. A man should give feely from his heart because he *wants* to all on his own... not because you had to ask him to... or strategize getting him to (like pulling back).

 

Pulling back on her part is not about strategizing to get him to do what she wants, it's about managing her emotions and expectations in order to prepare herself for the possible outcome of breaking up and for her to evaluate the situation for herself without it being in her face all the time and for him to be doing the same.

 

She doesn't have to ask him anything. All she should do is make a statement about what it is she wants. It's up to him to accommodate if he wants to.

 

And, finding out from him "where" he's at about the relationship is not really about defeating a purpose, it's for her to get clear in her head and facing head on that there is a problem instead of living in her head and analyzing "data" and putting spins on things.

[katiegrl]

Pulling back on her part is not about strategizing to get him to do what she wants, it's about managing her emotions and expectations in order to prepare herself for the possible outcome of breaking up and for her to evaluate the situation for herself without it being in her face all the time and for him to be doing the same.

 

She doesn't have to ask him anything. All she should do is make a statement about what it is she wants. It's up to him to accommodate if he wants to.

 

And, finding out from him "where" he's at about the relationship is not really about defeating a purpose, it's for her to get clear in her head and facing head on that there is a problem instead of living in her head and analyzing "data" and putting spins on things.

 

Red, her post said it was time to pull back...so he would step up. Like some sort of strategy to get him to step up.

 

That is why I posted that.

[losangelena]

Are you dating Sheldon Cooper?

 

If yes then you will have to accept him the way he is which sounds a little boring. What is a girl like you doing with a guy like this? You don't sound compatible to me.

 

Lol, kinda!

 

I mean, all kidding aside, I know he's a bit ... socially awkward. Not to psychoanalyze him or anything, but he seems to have a lot of relationship anxiety, too. I think he's deathly afraid of making mistakes in the relationship, but his fear kind of lulls him into inactivity.

 

Our getting together was a matter of timing, really. The guy I was seeing before him (a NSA arrangement) was a drug user/small-time pusher. The sex was amazing but the whole situation was bananas. When I met my BF, I was really taken by the fact that he was so calm and quiet and that we were looking for similar things—long term relationship/kids/etc.

 

Our incompatibilities are becoming more apparent as time goes on.

[Redhead14]

Red, her post said it was time to pull back...so he would step up. Like some sort of strategy to get him to step up.

 

That is why I posted that.

 

Yes, I understand. I'm just point out to her that the pulling back is not for making him do what she wants. That's the wrong theory for applying a pull back. When she does it, she needs to be clear in her head that it's for herself not for making him do what she wants. That could happen and it does happen sometimes, but it's not the main goal. (sometimes the guy is just out in left field and needs something to make him focus)

[katiegrl]

Yes, I understand. I'm just point out to her that the pulling back is not for making him do what she wants. That's the wrong theory for applying a pull back. When she does it, she needs to be clear in her head that it's for herself not for making him do what she wants. That could happen and it does happen sometimes, but it's not the main goal. (sometimes the guy is just out in left field and needs something to make him focus)

 

I agree and I essentially said the same thing in my subsequent posts....maybe you have not read those yet?

 

In those posts I said she pulls back for HER to focus on what SHE wants and what SHE is getting from this relationship... NOT as a strategy.

 

I also suggested she ask him the hard question about what he wants, and let him know what she wants...but be prepared to pull back or walk away if he does not answer the way she hopes.

 

So I think you and I are pretty much in agreement here...

[losangelena]

Yes, I understand. I'm just point out to her that the pulling back is not for making him do what she wants. That's the wrong theory for applying a pull back. When she does it, she needs to be clear in her head that it's for herself not for making him do what she wants. That could happen and it does happen sometimes, but it's not the main goal. (sometimes the guy is just out in left field and needs something to make him focus)

 

Oh yeah, pulling back is totally for me. I'm actually very thankful that I live across the city from him and that it's difficult for him to spend any length of time here. It's my own little sphere, my own place. Pulling back gives me some head space, and allows me to think rationally and go, "Do I really want to be with someone like this? How much effort do I want to put into this? How much is this truly enhancing my life?" It makes it less about HIM or US, and more about the future in general.

 

Pulling back DOES give him the opportunity to step up, if he so chooses. I do over-function sometimes, and I wonder if it takes his opportunity to do so away because I'm always stepping in first.