Feel like I may have said something wrong

[Redhead14]

Oh yeah, pulling back is totally for me. I'm actually very thankful that I live across the city from him and that it's difficult for him to spend any length of time here. It's my own little sphere, my own place. Pulling back gives me some head space, and allows me to think rationally and go, "Do I really want to be with someone like this? How much effort do I want to put into this? How much is this truly enhancing my life?" It makes it less about HIM or US, and more about the future in general.

 

Pulling back DOES give him the opportunity to step up, if he so chooses. I do over-function sometimes, and I wonder if it takes his opportunity to do so away because I'm always stepping in first.

 

because I'm always stepping in first You probably step in first because you're afraid he won't do it and part of you doesn't want to know the truth. This time, wait for him. Hold firm. If you don't, you're stringing yourself along. You're a strong independent woman. If he really wants you, he'll come to you. And, when/if he does, he needs to do it in a bigger, more demonstrative and clear way. He needs to date you properly, as in the beginning. Hit the reset button if he comes to you. If he doesn't do it right, you move on permanently. No more chances. He already had one and blew it.

[losangelena]

I think Gaeta's idea of going out to have fun without him would work to that end tho too - not like you're gonna bang the first guy you run into, but it's just sending a message that being treated properly and valued is important to you and that if he doesn't do it, you'll take care of it yourself.

 

I agree it would be a good idea to make a stand on this in general, and I think he can actually be trained yet at this stage, esp if he's inexperienced. He just needs to learn how to treat a real woman properly.

 

I go and do a lot of things without him, actually. I think the only message that would send is that I'd rather hang out with others than with him.

[Redhead14]

I go and do a lot of things without him, actually. I think the only message that would send is that I'd rather hang out with others than with him.

 

I think the only message that would send is that I'd rather hang out with others than with him - Wouldn't you? He's not being as much fun to hang out with anyway. I'm not saying this to be snarky. It's the truth. If he questions it, you say you love him and want to enjoy other things with him and if he can't or doesn't want to do them with you, you're entitled to seek that for yourself.

 

I think the only message that would send is that I'd rather hang out with others than with him -- Again, you're afraid to send this message because you'll lose him. The truth is if he see's that and doesn't want to "fix" it, you've lost him already anyway.

[Redhead14]

Considering they've been dating 9 months only and she can't remember last time they went out, don't you think it's kind of early in a relationship to be stuck in a rut?

 

I got this gut feeling he's taking her for granted.

 

I got this gut feeling he's taking her for granted -- We came to this conclusion a little later

 

But, no 9 months isn't too soon to be in a rut. Some couples get into ruts after only a month or two, which sounds like what happened here anyway -- she can't remember the last time they went out.

[jen1447]

^ Yeah, what Redhead said.

[BluEyeL]

Honestly, while this guy is a step up from the NSA drug user, I really think you deserve and can find better. I'm not sure how old you are, but this man doesn't seem to be a good bet as a happily ever after and father of your children.

[losangelena]

I got this gut feeling he's taking her for granted -- We came to this conclusion a little later

 

But, no 9 months isn't too soon to be in a rut. Some couples get into ruts after only a month or two, which sounds like what happened here anyway -- she can't remember the last time they went out.

 

To be completely accurate, I don't remember the last time we went out somewhere really nice.

 

We do out to dinner and all, but they've been casual affairs. Or with friends, etc. He has picked up the tabs to those, too, at times, and just says, "buy me a beer later."

 

I know what I said about him just sitting around and playing video games and watching TV—I should recant and say that's not ALL he does; that was a gross generalization. I think he figures that if I want to do something, I'll say it, because he's (mostly) happy to come when I do. He has a habit of deferring to me, which I just think is more comfortable for him.

[losangelena]

Honestly, while this guy is a step up from the NSA drug user, I really think you deserve and can find better. I'm not sure how old you are, but this man doesn't seem to be a good bet as a happily ever after and father of your children.

 

I'm beginning to have these feelings, too. I feel very ambivalent. On the one hand, I love and care for him, but on the other hand feel like that's not enough.

 

I'm 34, so I don't want to float around in this relationship indefinitely.

[Redhead14]

To be completely accurate, I don't remember the last time we went out somewhere really nice.

 

We do out to dinner and all, but they've been casual affairs. Or with friends, etc. He has picked up the tabs to those, too, at times, and just says, "buy me a beer later."

 

I know what I said about him just sitting around and playing video games and watching TV—I should recant and say that's not ALL he does; that was a gross generalization. I think he figures that if I want to do something, I'll say it, because he's (mostly) happy to come when I do. He has a habit of deferring to me, which I just think is more comfortable for him.

 

is more comfortable for him -- Of course, that's the easiest for him too. The definition of "taking for granted".

 

Yes, you do do casual, but that's not the crux here. You want him to be more focused on you.

 

You're gonna have to spend some time really thinking about all this. I'd leave the thread for a while if I were you. Pull back from him a little and pull back from here

 

You need to:

 

a) Think about how the relationship feels to you on the whole -- is this just a temporary blip you're going through or a symptom of a bigger issue.

 

b) Have a conversation with him about where you each are for the relationship

 

c) If he's wishy washy about the relationship -- pull away and make space for re-evaluation for you both.

 

d) Meet in the middle at some point to discuss it again and come to a mutual conclusion.

[Versacehottie]

hmmmm, I definitely considered whether I should weigh in on this or not. I hate to be negative especially when the answer is not clear cut. The answer is not clear cut in this case...but having read your texts about him over time and knowing your a person who deserves good, I think it might be time to move on. I would use the space and time you are going to have when pulling back to strongly consider whether he's just not for you or if it is your tendency to worry and do stuff first that makes you unsatisfied with him.

 

In your posts you always seem level-headed and reasonable so if you have been describing your bf and his actions from that place, I'd let him go. If you've been describing him and his actions from a place of your own anxiety and wanting to move things along at a quick pace, than try to approach your relationship differently. Even if it's your own anxiety about the relationship that is causing the problems, there's a point at which you have to ask yourself why. Why doesn't he generate a feeling of security? If the answers to these questions are somewhere in the middle you just might not be compatible or bring out the best in one another. Good luck

[BluEyeL]

I don't know, I also think that most discussion boards end up with a choir of people saying "dump him, dump him", which is not always necessary. But here...I'm not sure.

 

He seems to be floating around, not really being all that decisive in what he wants to do, at least in terms of relationships (although his career doesn't seem to be soaring either).

 

At 34, I'd try to find me a man who has his life in order, is more decisive in wanting a future with you, and at least has a table. I don't think he doesn't want a future with "you", but in general he doesn't sound like someone who would just wake up, marry you, build you a house with a white picket fence and give you three children. If family is what you're looking for, maybe he doesn't cut it.

 

If you end this relationship and give yourself about 2 years to find another one, you'll be 36 by then, then another 2 years until you can start a family...you don't have a ton of time to spend on someone who is not really decisive, just because he's quiet and not wild. Just saying, if family is your goal. If just fun is your goal, time doesn't matter as much.

[Redhead14]

hmmmm, I definitely considered whether I should weigh in on this or not. I hate to be negative especially when the answer is not clear cut. The answer is not clear cut in this case...but having read your texts about him over time and knowing your a person who deserves good, I think it might be time to move on. I would use the space and time you are going to have when pulling back to strongly consider whether he's just not for you or if it is your tendency to worry and do stuff first that makes you unsatisfied with him.

 

In your posts you always seem level-headed and reasonable so if you have been describing your bf and his actions from that place, I'd let him go. If you've been describing him and his actions from a place of your own anxiety and wanting to move things along at a quick pace, than try to approach your relationship differently. Even if it's your own anxiety about the relationship that is causing the problems, there's a point at which you have to ask yourself why. Why doesn't he generate a feeling of security? If the answers to these questions are somewhere in the middle you just might not be compatible or bring out the best in one another. Good luck

 

LA gives sound, level-headed advice to posters that applies some of the same general principals that alot of "us" here subscribe to. However, she's not using it to evaluate her situation and that's what people do, really. They are too close to the situation and don't see it from the outside in. I think if she takes some quality time for herself, it will become clearer to her one way or the other. She should now sit down and write down the salient points from this thread and put them into pro and con columns just to sort all the stuff. She's going to be OK, it's a process to get to the point of acceptance and making a decision about how to proceed.

 

Either she sees more positives and feels there is enough potential and they just need to work together to move forward and so it's worth saving OR she doesn't think it can work and not worth saving. Nine months is a long time.

How does one decide when a relationship becomes worth saving? I mean, I wouldn't attempt to "save" a relationship that's only a couple of months old, but 9 months to a year, maybe worth it, especially if on the whole, it's been pretty good for them both. Only they can figure that out for themselves.

[Versacehottie]

I don't know, I also think that most discussion boards end up with a choir of people saying "dump him, dump him", which is not always necessary. But here...I'm not sure.

 

He seems to be floating around, not really being all that decisive in what he wants to do, at least in terms of relationships (although his career doesn't seem to be soaring either).

 

 

this ^^^ is what I mean. And I agree I hate when people say just dump him or it's never going to work out. But it's definitely time to consider it.

 

Only you two know your relationship and what is best for you. Based on what you said though I think you should give it a good long hard look.

[losangelena]

Yes, thank you ladies!

 

I totally agree with what each of you are saying. I purposely did not want this thread to just become a "dump him!" thread, because it's nearly impossible to write out, in detail, each facet of our relationship that might cause others to go, 'oh, well, in that case.' We ultimately know or own relationship best.

 

I feel as if it's unfair to break up with someone without at least trying to work through things. I also fully admit to my own reluctance to communicate some of these more foundational concerns to him—for fear of his reaction (negative, silent, or otherwise), for fear of having to be the one to initiate a break up, for fear of having to meet someone new and start over, for many reasons.

 

In a lot of ways, our relationship dynamic is very close to that of my parents—which is so interesting and fascinating and depressing to me—funny that it should be so similar, but not one I want to emulate.

 

I don't know. This is my longest relationship, too, and it's hard to assert myself, I'm not used to it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I see a therapist for this very reason (and many others), and I'm working on it. I feel as if all I can do is work on that part of myself, be more assertive, and see if my BF comes along. If so, great, and if not, I know it would not be the end of the world.

[Redhead14]

Yes, thank you ladies!

 

I totally agree with what each of you are saying. I purposely did not want this thread to just become a "dump him!" thread, because it's nearly impossible to write out, in detail, each facet of our relationship that might cause others to go, 'oh, well, in that case.' We ultimately know or own relationship best.

 

I feel as if it's unfair to break up with someone without at least trying to work through things. I also fully admit to my own reluctance to communicate some of these more foundational concerns to him—for fear of his reaction (negative, silent, or otherwise), for fear of having to be the one to initiate a break up, for fear of having to meet someone new and start over, for many reasons.

 

In a lot of ways, our relationship dynamic is very close to that of my parents—which is so interesting and fascinating and depressing to me—funny that it should be so similar, but not one I want to emulate.

 

I don't know. This is my longest relationship, too, and it's hard to assert myself, I'm not used to it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I see a therapist for this very reason (and many others), and I'm working on it. I feel as if all I can do is work on that part of myself, be more assertive, and see if my BF comes along. If so, great, and if not, I know it would not be the end of the world.

 

"Fear does not control me, it pushes me forward so as to control it"

[jen1447]

I think you'll be fine losangelina, you've got a good head on your shoulders.

[Leigh 87]

And if a guy hasn't pulled out all the stops by nine months, he never will.. . .

 

A man knows if he's falling hard enough to give a damn early on. . If he was going to be romantic and INITIATE romantic dates out regularly, which he treats you to, he would have done it by now........

 

This is as good as it gets. It's nine months in. He's obvs never going to lavish you with romantic dinners out or declare that he's madly in love with you ever.....

[Leigh 87]

I've never had to " assert myself " when a guy WANTED to be with me with every fibre....Yes I know you don't subscribe to " disney " or " fairytales" but you really shouldn't HAVE to train a man to take you out on romantic dinner dates.

 

 

You should not have to be made to feel uncomfortable or like you have to be assertive regarding issues such as date nights and that type of thing. It comes down to how the man feels about you AND how compatible you are.

 

Not calling nightly when on a golf trip with his mates cos be worked through. Trying to teach a guy that you yearn for romantic dates once every other week because it makes you feel desired and wanted, IS NOT something that can be worked around.... Because men either want to do it for you or they don't. How long do you think your boyfriend will keep it up once you " tell him to do it " for you?

[lana-banana]

Hey Losangelena,

 

First of all, I'm sorry about your UTI. It sounds like you had a complex one, the kind where it feels like you have to pee every twenty seconds and your chills are so bad you stand under the shower with the water as hot as it can go. My condolences. Those are the f-cking worst.

 

I wonder how much of your reluctance to break up with this guy is because it's your longest relationship. Being minimally compatible isn't a reason to stay with someone, especially when being together causes this much anxiety. It doesn't sound like he's meeting your expectations or even your needs. I know people aren't mind-readers, but you're essentially holding his hand through the whole thing and he isn't making any effort.

 

You and I are both anxious souls. Trust me, I know what it's like to make yourself sick with worry and to convince yourself that there's nothing wrong with the relationship, that it's just you making yourself crazy. But no matter how naturally anxious you may be, that isn't normal for a happy, healthy relationship. You should trust in him and be secure in his affection, and excited for your future together.

 

You say you love him, so why haven't you told him? Are you afraid he won't say it back in the way you're hoping to hear? That alone is a sign that maybe this isn't the one for you.

[losangelena]

So I have an update, everyone. It's kinda long.

 

BF did take me out that weekend—not to Wally's, but a little Indian place nearby. It ended up being a very enjoyable evening.

 

I've still been mulling over how to communicate a bit better, and something happened this weekend to open the door to more of that.

 

We went to Palm Springs for the weekend with a bunch of my friends. It was great until Sunday, and then things got weird. Someone had brought along some pot chocolate, and everyone was eating it (***to be totally clear about drug use—the only time I partake in mj is during these trips, so about three times a year, and so does the BF, so the drug use by itself is not the point of contention, lest anyone feel compelled to go down that line of reasoning***).

 

At a certain point on Sunday afternoon, he and I decide to leave the pool to lay down and have sex. The drugs really kicked then, and rather embarrassingly, I fail to remember a lot of the next four hours of the afternoon. I woke up at around 8:00 pm and knew something was wrong, but couldn't figure out what it was. since I couldn't remember the afternoon clearly. I thought it was maybe something related to the sex, but I wasn't sure.

 

The next morning, I asked the BF if anything had happened the day before, and he said no. I had remembered that I'd kept asking him if he was OK, and he kept saying no, but I didn't know if that was because he felt sick from the pot (several people got sick after eating it) or for some other reason. However, he was being a lot quieter than usual, so I really left like something was up.

 

In the midst of all this, on the drive back to L.A. on Monday, I got a phone call from a co-worker, saying that about ten of us had been let go from our jobs. He wasn't sure if I was one of them, but said I should call in when I get a chance. I called when I got home, and indeed, I had lost my job. BF held me while I cried and comforted me and said not to worry, 'cause he's there. After I calmed down a bit, we gathered up my stuff and came over to his place.

 

The rest of that day was fine, but I still felt like something was off. He wasn't really looking me in the eye, or saying a whole lot (which is typical), or really touching me, which was a big tip-off, because he's usually very physically affectionate.

 

So last night, while we were waiting for his friend to come pick us up to see a movie, I asked again if everything was OK. Again, he said yes. Then I said, well you've been acting quiet and out of sorts, and I just want to check. Then I brought up Sunday afternoon in Palm Springs and said that I felt like I had maybe done something embarrassing or inappropriate, and he assured me I hadn't. But then I said, "I just remember asking you (on Sunday) if you were OK, and you kept saying no," to which he replied, "I don't want to talk about it." Then I asked if we can talk about it later, and he said yes.

 

OK, so my instincts WERE correct—something was up.

 

I got pretty upset while we were at the movies. I just hated the idea that there was something I may have done, that I don't even remember, that could push him away and I'd never know. All throughout the movie, he had his hand on my back or held my hand, that kind of thing.

 

After the movie, when were going to bed, and I made myself very clear—I said that I cared about him and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt, disrespect, belittle, or embarrass him. I said we didn't have to talk about what was bugging him right at the moment, but that I did want to talk about it eventually. I said that I really value the process of communication, and that if there's something bothering him, he's welcome to tell me. I said that I wish it was something we were better at. I got a bit emotional at this point (was really trying not to) and said that it really, really bothered me that there was something I potentially did/said that hurt him and I wasn't aware.

 

He hemmed and hawed for a bit and then told me what was bothering him. He prefaced it with the fact that he's still thinking about our future/what he wants from it, and then said that what bothered him was that, during sex, while he was giving me a hand job (his preferred method of getting me off), I had helped him along (I do vaguely remember that) while I was climaxing. He said it made him feel like I didn't need him, either sexually or in the relationship.

 

I was dismayed to hear that, but relieved that he finally shared something. That's really a big thing, right? No wonder he's been feeling weird.

 

I thanked him for telling me, and then started crying again and said that I want to hear these things from him because I want to know better how he's feeling and what he's thinking, even if they're difficult things. He kept saying everything was OK, and he apologized for stressing me out or making me feel bad. He said he just wants to make me happy. I said the same for him.

 

Anyway, afterward I assured him that I do in fact want him and need him. I can't give a really reasoned out, logical explanation for why I helped him out—other than I have 20 years of masturbatory experience and he's been getting me off for nine months? It didn't have anything to do with not needing him, but I guess I can understand why he feels so hurt or offended. He said he wasn't going to say anything about it because he was just going to give it a couple of days (I guess to blow over?). I don't know why he felt like he needed to have me around for all of this, though. Is this typically a time when the man goes in his cave?

 

So ... now what? Now that I have this information, I don't know what to do with it. He was a little more affection last night/this morning, but things are still not where they were. I told him this morning that I'm going home today. I have therapy tomorrow morning, but more than that, I just kinda want to be out of his hair right now. He said, "see you soon, then."

 

I'm confused about what to do. I feel like, because he's the one with the issue, that he should get back to me when he's feeling better (if he ever feels better), but since he knows how upset I was yesterday, he's probably thinking that I want some time to myself. But then I think, me leaving right now probably just proves his feeling that I don't "need" him.

 

What do I do now?

 

Please don't berate me for the pot; it's not really the point, and if he's upset that I did it he's a hypocrite because he took it himself.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited June 17, 2015 by losangelena

[fitnessfan365]

Oh wow LA, that SUCKS! If I was getting a woman off with my hand and she was so into it that she put her hand on mine and participated, that would turn me on even more. So personally, I think that he's being a bit irrational in taking it to the extreme that he feels unneeded in/out of the bedroom.

 

I know you care about the guy and have been with him for awhile. But if he is that insecure, you might want to consider breaking up with him. Especially since it seems like you have to act like a dentist pulling teeth just to get him to open up.

[losangelena]

Oh wow LA, that SUCKS! If I was getting a woman off with my hand and she was so into it that she put her hand on mine and participated, that would turn me on even more. So personally, I think that he's being a bit irrational in taking it to the extreme that he feels unneeded in/out of the bedroom.

 

I know you care about the guy and have been with him for awhile. But if he is that insecure, you might want to consider breaking up with him. Especially since it seems like you have to act like a dentist pulling teeth just to get him to open up.

 

That's kind of what I was thinking, actually, about the sex. I was probably less inhibited while high and was just doing what felt good.

 

I've wondered how much of his behavior stems from a place of insecurity. I definitely don't want to be the one having to assuage it all the time.

[BluEyeL]

I don't know why I don't really believe is what he said that's bothering him. It sounds ridiculous . I think he may want out but doesn't know how to do it.

 

I'm sorry you lost your job. I think you should focus on getting a job and let this play out how it will.

[MissBee]

\

Gang:

 

The other day I was at my BF's place. He was taking a shower, I was getting dressed. The shirt I put on had been sitting on the bed, and once I was wearing it I noticed there was a hair on it. I pulled it off and it was long, dark, and wavy—nothing like what my looks like (long, light, stick-straight). My immediate reaction was WHOSE EFFING HAIR IS THIS? But as I started thinking, I began to think it could really be anyone's hair. I'm borrowing the car of a friend on mine whose hair looks like that, for instance. And knowing what I know of my BF, I just don't think he'd have it in him to cheat.

 

Still, when he came out of the shower, he saw me looking at something, and I said, I'm trying to figure out whose hair this could be. I didn't really mean it in an accusatory sense, but he said, "well I haven't brought anyone here." Eventually I said it was probably my friend's hair.

 

Now, I don't actually think my BF had been unfaithful. I feel bad though that by asking him about whose hair that might have been, he thinks that maybe I don't trust him. He's not the type to tell me if something bothers him, but I don't want to go around insulting him accidentally, and I know it's important to him that the people in his life trust him.

 

We didn't talk about it the rest of the weekend, and for all I know he's not dwelling on it. Do you think it's worth apologizing about, though? If it's not an issue, I don't want to harp on it unnecessarily, but if I did offend him, I do want him to know that it wasn't my intention. Sorry if this sounds totally whackadoo—I've been "in my head" all day about this, so I may not be having the clearest thoughts about the topic.

 

Again, I really don't think the issue here is whether he's cheating. I just want to know if I should apologize or just not bring it up again. Thanks.

 

I think you should probably address the issue of him not telling you stuff when it bothers him. That's not a good quality in a relationship, as you find yourself doing what you do now, having no clue and then having to ask other people if you should apologize or not for something he may or may not be mad about because he isn't forthright about his feelings so you have to guess and stew secretly in your head about if you did something wrong or not. That's STRESSFUL OP!

 

That's a pet peeve of mine, folks who do the silent treatment or are passive aggressive and pretend all is dandy when it isn't and stuff like that. In a relationship forthright communication is essential and if that's not his personality, it needs to be something you try to practice as a couple because you can't be a mind reader and always be preemptively apologizing for stuff in case he's upset because when he's upset or bothered he pretends he's not so you have to magically figure it out...this is tiring and will lead to lots of miscommunication and anxiety.

 

Ask him about if he was upset the other day about the hair...if he says no, then leave it at that and add that you weren't accusing him and move on. If I were you I'd also add that, "I know sometimes when you're upset you don't tell me but I would love for us to be able to be transparent about things that bother us, no matter how little or big they are and I'd like for you to be able to tell me when stuff bothers you because sometimes I get anxious when I think I may have upset you but I don't know..." some kind of conversation like that needs to be had IMO because this won't be the last time you may have said something upsetting, and if his default mode is to pretend, then you'll end up with a relationship that has lots of resentment on his part and anxiety on yours.

Edited June 17, 2015 by MissBee

[fitnessfan365]

I don't know why I don't really believe is what he said that's bothering him. It sounds ridiculous . I think he may want out but doesn't know how to do it.

 

I was actually thinking the same thing myself. Since his reason for being bothered seems so irrational, maybe he is just projecting to cover up the real underlying issue.