Feel like I may have said something wrong

[losangelena]

I don't know why I don't really believe is what he said that's bothering him. It sounds ridiculous . I think he may want out but doesn't know how to do it.

 

I'm sorry you lost your job. I think you should focus on getting a job and let this play out how it will.

 

God, I hope you're wrong. I guess I wouldn't be too surprised though, if he wanted out but is trying to get me to do it.

 

If that wasn't what's bothering him though, I don't know why it took so much effort to get him to open up about it. I hate to use this term, but he sounds butt-hurt to me, like he knows he's being petty, and hence why he didn't want to tell me, because he figured he'd get over it on his own in a couple of days.

[losangelena]

I think you should probably address the issue of him not telling you stuff when it bothers him. That's not a good quality in a relationship, as you find yourself doing what you do now, having no clue and then having to ask other people if you should apologize or not for something he may or may not be mad about because he isn't forthright about his feelings so you have to guess and stew secretly in your head about if you did something wrong or not. That's STRESSFUL OP!

 

Thanks, and yes I agree! As I mentioned in my latest update, I did tell him as much last night, that I want him to feel free to tell me if something is bothering him and that I don't want to tip-toe around him on eggshells because I think I may have done something wrong. He apologized for stressing me out and at least said he wasn't trying to hide anything from me.

[losangelena]

I was actually thinking the same thing myself. Since his reason for being bothered seems so irrational, maybe he is just projecting to cover up the real underlying issue.

 

Is it so irrational, though? I don't know, I'm not a guy so I have a different mindset, but if my GF was like, thanks I can do this myself, I can see how someone's ego could get a bit bruised.

 

I just hoping y'all are wrong and that there isn't some other underlying issue, 'cause that means that I'm back to square one in terms of trying to figure out what it is, 'cause I have no idea.

[fitnessfan365]

Is it so irrational, though? I don't know, I'm not a guy so I have a different mindset, but if my GF was like, thanks I can do this myself, I can see how someone's ego could get a bit bruised.

 

I just hoping y'all are wrong and that there isn't some other underlying issue, 'cause that means that I'm back to square one in terms of trying to figure out what it is, 'cause I have no idea.

 

Didn't you say that you just put your hand on his and joined in? The way that I took it is that you enjoyed it so much, you wanted to participate and really get into it. It's not like you slapped his hand away and said "I'd rather just do it myself".

[losangelena]

Didn't you say that you just put your hand on his and joined in? The way that I took it is that you enjoyed it so much, you wanted to participate and really get into it. It's not like you slapped his hand away and said "I'd rather just do it myself".

 

I personally cannot remember the context, though I cannot imagine that I just shoved his hand out of the way. I'm saying, given his insecurity, he could very well have interpreted it that way.

[BluEyeL]

He sounds exhausting. Getting but.t hurt about little things all the time. It sounds like a relationship when I'd find myself walking on eggshells and I don't like that.

 

I also just tend to shut down and be quiet when something is bothering me, but usually only takes me up to 30minutes to get over it. I usually don't say what's up because I know that often I'm being irrational and don't want to react and start a fight over nothing. If later on I feel the same, then it's clear a problem that needs to be addressed. But he seems to keep stewing for days.... Ugh

[lana-banana]

I'm not sure he wants out but I admit I do think he may have been lying. If he were honest he should have been reassured and things ought to be fine. They obviously aren't, so it makes me think there's something else he isn't telling you.

 

You say you don't want to waste time in a relationship, so, gently, what are you doing here? It's been nine months and you still can't communicate with this guy. He isn't acting like a dedicated boyfriend, either. You fret constantly about upsetting him, you aren't sure about the depth of his feelings for you, and he even says he's "thinking about what he wants". Is this really what YOU want for the rest of your life?

[Gaeta]

Wow, I did not expect that. That is so hard to believe. Even if you had told him to stop and let you finish yourself I don't see what is so offending. I don't know, I think something is wrong for a man to think that way. Could be control or insecurities. I have never ever come across a man that doesn't enjoy looking at a woman masturbating.

 

I am really sorry you lost your job.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah the masturbation thing is really difficult to believe. I don't know if he wants out but it is more to it.

 

I'd dump his arse, why live like that?

[Gary S]

Some guys think that they need to be helpful for you to need them. What he doesn't understand is that you need him because you love him. Him just being by your side is the most wonderful thing in the world

[No_Go]

LA, my gut feeling tells me the sexual issue bothered him, but it is FAR from the real reason why he is behaving a little weird.

 

In my own relationship, I start having this resentment feelings over money and lack of reciprocity. However, I haven't yet gained the courage to tell my bf what it is. He sensed it though and asked me once "was it that he asked me once to move further while we're watching a movie and I was taking most of the space" Sure, this kind of mildly bothered me then, so I confirmed, but the real issue is elsewhere.

 

I think your bf, like me, is an introvert. Thus for him it is hard to communicate his real concerns. I'd suggest try to pinpoint it by asking concrete questions in different areas of your life as a couple, rather then asking the generic "what bothers you?" He could be way more open for communication in that way.

 

Also, try to communicate with your bf about the relationship issues in appropriate time&location to make him open up (e.g. my bf asks me "what's wrong" after sex, or before going to sleep, well, this is very inappropriate timing for "confrontational" discussions...)

 

 

Is it so irrational, though? I don't know, I'm not a guy so I have a different mindset, but if my GF was like, thanks I can do this myself, I can see how someone's ego could get a bit bruised.

 

I just hoping y'all are wrong and that there isn't some other underlying issue, 'cause that means that I'm back to square one in terms of trying to figure out what it is, 'cause I have no idea.

[losangelena]

I don't know if things are OK, though. We fell asleep soon after our convo, and this morning he went to work. I don't know if he felt reassured after I told him I didn't mean anything by it.

 

Lana, yeah I agree. I've been going back and forth all morning and not really coming to any conclusions. I keep thinking that if I do a better job at communicating, things will improve, but that might not be the case. His comment about not knowing about the future—I get it, after all I'm not sure, nine months in, if he's the one for me. Dating is the process of choosing. I do agree with all the other stuff you say though.

 

I don't think he's flat out lying. I feel like maybe what he said was not the whole picture. But I do not want to go there again. If there is something else brewing, it is absolutely his place to tell me, but I doubt he will. Sh*t y'all, this really sucks.

[Gaeta]

I don't know if things are OK,

 

You constantly live not knowing if things are ok. After 9 months you must be emotionally exhausted.

[losangelena]

LA, my gut feeling tells me the sexual issue bothered him, but it is FAR from the real reason why he is behaving a little weird.

 

In my own relationship, I start having this resentment feelings over money and lack of reciprocity. However, I haven't yet gained the courage to tell my bf what it is. He sensed it though and asked me once "was it that he asked me once to move further while we're watching a movie and I was taking most of the space" Sure, this kind of mildly bothered me then, so I confirmed, but the real issue is elsewhere.

 

I think your bf, like me, is an introvert. Thus for him it is hard to communicate his real concerns. I'd suggest try to pinpoint it by asking concrete questions in different areas of your life as a couple, rather then asking the generic "what bothers you?" He could be way more open for communication in that way.

 

Also, try to communicate with your bf about the relationship issues in appropriate time&location to make him open up (e.g. my bf asks me "what's wrong" after sex, or before going to sleep, well, this is very inappropriate timing for "confrontational" discussions...)

 

He's TOTALLY an introvert! I am, too, so I know what he's going through in terms of having a hard time vocalizing his thoughts/feelings. However, I think it's unfair that I have to spend so much time wondering if something's "up" because he won't say it. That leaves me in a very precarious position.

 

I generally like to wait and have convos at a more appropriate time, but it was either bring it up when I did, or go to bed so emotionally clogged up that I ran the risk of having a stroke. For the record, all I did was explain to him that I cared for and respected him and that anything I may have done was unintentional. I said he didn't have to bring it up then, but he chose to after a time.

[losangelena]

Haha, I had to laugh Gaeta, it's so true. I'm so used to it by now I don't even notice my own emotional state.

 

He kept saying last night that it was OK, that I didn't need to worry, and that he just wants to make me happy, and that he didn't want to tell me what was wrong because he was going to give it a couple of days to just get over it himself.

 

The more I think about this, though, the more I feel like maybe there is something else going on that's bothering him. I am NOT going to try and excavate what that might be though, because I have no idea.

[No_Go]

He is not lying. He is hesitant, maybe insecure in his/your standing in your relationship, he maybe questions is he good enough for you in many aspects, including sex (I suppose he doesn't have a lot of sexual experience, else his reaction is really strange). He will tell you, sooner or later, but yeah...he is making it hard for you. On the bright side: I think it is just his introverted character, so you two may get around it.

 

I've been going back and forth all morning and not really coming to any conclusions. I keep thinking that if I do a better job at communicating, things will improve, but that might not be the case. His comment about not knowing about the future—I get it, after all I'm not sure, nine months in, if he's the one for me. Dating is the process of choosing. I do agree with all the other stuff you say though.

 

I don't think he's flat out lying. I feel like maybe what he said was not the whole picture. But I do not want to go there again. If there is something else brewing, it is absolutely his place to tell me, but I doubt he will. Sh*t y'all, this really sucks.

[Gaeta]

He is not lying. He is hesitant, maybe insecure in his/your standing in your relationship, he maybe questions is he good enough for you in many aspects, including sex (I suppose he doesn't have a lot of sexual experience, else his reaction is really strange).

 

OH you just put your finger on something !

 

OP: I think it's his 1st relationship right? Was he new at sex too?

[losangelena]

I'd like some input as far as what y'all think I should do next. I know breaking up is an option, but in terms of giving it time or reaching out first? My anxiety says ACT, but maybe no action at this point is better. I'm just not sure.

 

No_Go, he's very inexperienced in general. And I think questions constantly if he has what it takes to be in a relationship. I'm actually his first GF. Still, it's exhausting.

[losangelena]

OH you just put your finger on something !

 

OP: I think it's his 1st relationship right? Was he new at sex too?

 

LOL at "put your finger on something" (no masturbatory pun intended, I'm sure ).

 

I don't think he was a virgin when we met, but definitely not too experienced, that's for sure. I never asked him about numbers. But he definitely gets anxious if I want to try anything other than missionary.

[Gary S]

Yeah, it sounds like he lacks confidence.

[Gaeta]

LOL at "put your finger on something" (no masturbatory pun intended, I'm sure ).

 

I don't think he was a virgin when we met, but definitely not too experienced, that's for sure. I never asked him about numbers. But he definitely gets anxious if I want to try anything other than missionary.

 

haha, I thought it was the right expression for the circumstances!

 

Oh really! So he is sexually repressed, or close minded so yes it's possible he was offended by what happened. How do you feel about his bedroom limitation? It's not getting boring? Can you imagine a life time of missionary position?

[Gary S]

 

I don't think he was a virgin when we met, but definitely not too experienced, that's for sure. I never asked him about numbers. But he definitely gets anxious if I want to try anything other than missionary.

 

- Oh no.... he's a man-child

[No_Go]

If asking more concrete questions what bothers him (be as SPECIFIC as possible to get information) doesn't work, try the following strategy:

- You try different things i.e. change date types or frequency, sex frequency or intensity, topics of conversations etc, and focus on his body language and non-verbal reactions. After you gain enough data, share your observations with him and listen his to explanation.

 

This may sound a bit extreme, but I feel like it may be worth it if you do not want to break up (and I get the sense that you don't really want a break up, despite of the current frustration).

 

 

I'd like some input as far as what y'all think I should do next. I know breaking up is an option, but in terms of giving it time or reaching out first? My anxiety says ACT, but maybe no action at this point is better. I'm just not sure.

 

No_Go, he's very inexperienced in general. And I think questions constantly if he has what it takes to be in a relationship. I'm actually his first GF. Still, it's exhausting.

[lana-banana]

To recap: he's immature, insecure, inexperienced, inhibited, noncommunicative, lacking curiosity, emotionally distant, and unsure about your long-term future, and you're fighting tooth and nail for this relationship because...?

 

This is at least the third time in nine months you've been sick with anxiety over your situation and seriously considered breaking up. He has significant interpersonal obstacles and has shown little to no progress in resolving them. It's like you're stuck on an emotional roller coaster but without any of the dizzying highs that at least explain why some people stick around in unhappy relationships. You never describe how deeply loved and cherished he makes you feel, or any intimate experiences that made you fall for him. You are, in your own words, exhausted. I just don't understand what about this guy is worth the aggravation.

 

Could it be more about you than him? Maybe you don't want to start over, maybe you hate dating, or maybe you'll feel like a failure if it ends. I don't know, but I feel like this has to be about your personal values because otherwise this would have ended a long time ago. I don't know any thirty-four-year-old woman who would stay in such an unsatisfying, uncertain relationship for absolutely no reward.

 

Focus on yourself and getting a new job. If this guy helps you, then great, but this is just more unnecessary stress right now. You need to concentrate on your career. Also, just as a heads-up, pot can stay in your system for quite a while even if you don't smoke regularly, so keep that in mind for any potential pre-employment drug testing.

[losangelena]

Well when you put it that way ...

 

To be fair to him, I could apply the labels of insecure, inexperienced, and unsure to myself as well. But I understand what you're saying. When looking at it through the lens of your comment, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

I guess some reasons for staying include the fact that he happened to come along after a string of 28 disappointments—that he simply stuck around was enough for me at first. I was excited to be in a relationship that lasted more than two months. I honestly thought it would get better. I don't want to start over; I dread having to jump back in the dating pool. I'm very driven, and once I'm in something, I want to try and make it better.

 

Even though I've had anxiety about it before, this is honestly the first time I've thought about breaking up with him for real. I have never dumped someone before, and that too gives me a lot of anxiety—because a) I don't want to hurt him, and b) what if I won't be able to do any better? I have so many single female friend my age who are unhappy, and I'm deathly terrified of being that way as well.

 

But yes, I do see what you're saying.