firewalk Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Here is my story..would truly like some advice. About 45 days ago, I learned my wife of 20 years has been involved in an affair going back about 1 and 1/2 years. We have two kids, a daughter 18 and a son 15. I have decided not to confront her yet, and instead just let some time pass, so i can calm down emotionally. I am not sure what will happen once i confront her with the information i have. I discovered this news when she inadvertantly left her email account on. I was doing some maintenance onthe system and discovered the email thread between her and the OM. A half years woth of email was amazingly not deleted. I printed it all off. I have been trying to act like nothing is wrong while i try and gather more info and see what time does to my reaction and thoughts about the future. Since finding the email, i have found other letters, journals etc describing the affair and the relationship. It seems that the other man is also in a relationship (married I think..or at least living with someone) I feel like this is a casual affair, and my goal would be to keep my marriage intact once we beginto discuss this inthe next few weeks. Would love thoughts on how to proceed Dazed and confused Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 First off, I am sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how terrible it must feel. Secondly, as much as you want to be calm, she is going to suspect you know something when you don't act like your normal self. So my suggestion is to take a day or so to gather your thoughts, decide what you want to do and then confront her. Be prepared for a very messy, emotional situation. If you're a Christian, I would suggest getting guidance from God. He will never steer you wrong. Speak to a Pastor if you can. Lastly, do you think she left her email open on purpose? I get the feeling she did. Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Dang dude that sucks Your handling this much better than I would, I'd probably fly off the handle. Good luck, stay strong, and gather evidence just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Lastly, do you think she left her email open on purpose? I get the feeling she did. yeah, you'd think she'd be more careful than that? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Are you sure it's casual? Sounds to me like she's put a lot of work into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firewalk Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 Sometimes I think I may not confront her at all!!! As radical as that sounds, I can almost accept that having an affair when your 50, after 20 years of marriage, may be understandable and in a strange way help a marriage survive. I don't know if I truly could go thru with that.....If I did I may try having an affair myself and avoid all the messy,emotional, heart wrenching arguments, counseling, etc etc stuff and just admit that long term marriage is so difficult that a dont ask dont tell policy towards affairs may have some merit Sounds totally crazed I know. Don't really thinkI could pull that off given how angry i feel, but it is a thouhgt. Doesn't pull in kids, friends and family and countless hours of counseling.....maybe ther eis a path back to love and intimacy this way?? Have to think about that Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Hello Firewalk, I think your attitude is a huge mistake. First, your wife has spent over a year and a half having an affair with this man. It is not casual. I am sure she is emotionally and physically connected to this man. Second, she is putting your physical health at risk for STD's. Third, she is making a mockery of your marriage and anniversairies. Going into denial and pretending it will go away down the road is a major mistake. I would strongly suggest that you sit down and show her all of the emails and discuss recovery in the marriage with marriage counseling. Do you wish to fix your marriage or not. It will be painful but you need to have radical honesty to deal with the problems of your marriage. Clearly she feels comfortable going outside your marriage to have her emotional and physical needs met. If the relationship ends that it will be a matter of time until she connects with someone else. You need to stand up and fight for your marriage (if this is what you want). Allowing your wife to continue to disrespect, humiliate and betray you by having sex with another man while your close your eyes to it is a very destructive approach that will guarantee a destruction of your marriage and your own personal self-esteem. Clearly your wife does not respect you. It is very sad that apparently you do not respect yourself either. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Is there evidence that the affair is still going on? Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 You are wise in giving yourself some time to get control of your emotions before you confront your W about her affair. Losing your wits and blasting her will only push her further away from you and more towards the OM [other man]. You cannot change her but you can change yourself and , if she's not too far gone, it just may be enough to save/rebuild your marriage. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Firewalk, do you have an EAP available to you through your employer? If so, make an appointment and go and talk to a counselor ASAP. Do this for you--so that you can find some guidance and support and help you to make decisions that are right for you. Then you can approach your wife. You have some time to adjust to knowing -- when you talk to her she will need some time to adjust to knowing that you know. She may respond in a very defensive manner and blame you. Tell her that you want to give her some time to think about what she wants to say to you, and how to answer your questions and to think about what path she would like for the marriage and then talk to her again in a few days when you both have had time to think about what you want to say and can be rational about your plans and goals. I'm sorry that this is happening in your marriage, and I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firewalk Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 Thanks for all your thoughts and help....this is the first I am discussing this with anyone..I have been solo with this great news since discovering it....my mind has been racing from one extreme to another I think seeking out a pro to discuss this with is great advice...will find someone today...time to openly talk and come up with a plan It is just so out of what i thought was her character....must be some real unmet needs here I imagine... Do you think its possible to keep this between my wife and I and a therapist?? Must the kids, friends and family be dragged into watch nad react etc..i dread that..so humiliating!!! I now know who the OM is. We have never met but I know who he is. was considering the possibility of contacting his significant other after my wife and I start to process this...my thought was that if he has been involved in the pain this has brought to me....it might be only fair that I expose him to his wife/live in (not sure which)....so they can deal withthe issues as well Or would this enflame the situation hard to know what is the right way to go here...... Feel like I am in the twiight zone Again, thanks to all for your thoughts and posts Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Do you think its possible to keep this between my wife and I and a therapist?? Must the kids, friends and family be dragged into watch nad react etc..i dread that..so humiliating!!!Yes it's possible.was considering the possibility of contacting his significant other after my wife and I start to process this...my thought was that if he has been involved in the pain this has brought to me....it might be only fair that I expose him to his wife/live in (not sure which)....so they can deal withthe issues as wellDon't do it. Wrong motivation. You still haven't answered my question, is the affair still going on? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 This is noone's buisness and it can and should stay private between you and your wife...And ofcourse the marriage councillor. I think you talking to a therapist one on one is a good thing too, as it will help you deal with the emotions and pain you're feeling now. Don't allow her continue this affair and just act like nothing is happening. Until you're ready, it's OK, but it would be wrong to pretend is fine and dandy when it's not. It is just so out of what i thought was her character....must be some real unmet needs here I imagine... I think so. You haven't done anything wrong - Her affair is her choice, noone has held a gun to her head and said CHEAT! Her bad choice. If something is missing from the marriage and her needs weren't being met she should have come to you to talk. I don't know what your marriage is like, and the dynamtic so I won't comment there. Who knows why she is doing what she is doing. But she's doing it. My suggestion would be (when you feel ready) to get the kids out of the house for the weekend, whether it be a sleepover at friends or a family member, but you two need to be completely alone when you have that conversation. I take it you want to stay in the marriage and work things out? If so, tell her that right away. But she has to end it ASAP with this OM. IF OM is smart he'd come clean with his wife too. Hope things work out, this place is pretty supportive and lots of people will help you through this. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I agree with getting counseling, but again, I feel this will torment you (well, most men) until you address it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firewalk Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 The affair is definitely on going..I have proof of that...emails, phone calls etc..... Today I will be looking for a therapist to help me manage the situation and possibly prepare to meet with both of us....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author firewalk Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 On the question of "Is the affair on going" Yes it is without a doubt. I am starting to concern myself with how to orchestrate the "discussion" while keeping cognizant of the goal of preserving the marriage and keeping this private between the two of us Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I know this sounds cliche', but honesty is your best policy. Let her know how you discovered the truth. Also, I agree with whomever posted that you should make it clear from the get go that it's your wish not to end the marriage, but repair it. Let us know how it goes!. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 I'd like to suggest that you purchase and read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs'. Also visit the Marriage Builders website and read the articles by Dr Harley, and post your story in the Infidelity forums. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 Your first problem is communication and I can probably tell by your posts that you have always been the one 'dictated' by your wife. That she makes up the rules and you abide. That you are "afraid" to upset the marriage. Guess what the marriage is in very deep trouble. It's time for you as a husband to stand up to her. It's time you confront her about this and find out what is really going out without psychoanalyzing everything first. You will not be able to heal until all the anger, upsetment, betrayal and everything else that goes along with being a victim of an affair has started to subside. You haven't even gotten close to this point because you have not confronted her. Stop coddling her. It's time for you to put yourself first in regards to this. I don't know your situation but majority of the times there are reasons for why an affair happens. How do you know she hasn't cheated on you before? What kind of problems have you two been having? You have to be willing to walk away from her for at least a little while for the impact to hit her. If you approach her with finding out about the affair and then saying here is the solution she is not going to respect you. She is not going to know what she is losing. She's going to know that you are ALWAYS going to be there to be taken advantage of. You walking away is what is going to stick with her, that feeling of emptyness. That awful feeling of knowing she took advantage of you and your trust. She will remember that more than anything else. I'm not saying to ditch her completely, but you have to stop babying her. When you confront her and she becomes defensive, you better stand strong. Don't let her change the subject of you snooping. You sound like a pretty passive man. It's time you stand up for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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