"The Fade"

[LookAtThisPOst]

I Googled "the fade away dating" and came up with a few articles on this. Some are of the opinion that this is a behavior that's almost involuntary in nature.

 

Other articles say that it's rather discourteous in doing this as it gives the interested party false hope if you continue to stay in touch with person, but rather on an infrequent basis.

 

This action may be rather done on an unconscious level. Some of us might even catch ourselves and think, "As nice as a person as I am, have I even done the fade?"

 

Some think it's a way to "be nice" and a method by which you can let someone go without actually saying, "Sorry, I had a nice time, but I can't see us dating, good luck to you." and leave it at that, while others continue to stay in touch but say, "I'd really like to get together with you, but my schedule has been quite hectic lately!"

 

I'm at a point now with a woman where I may or may NOT be in the beginning stages of her attempting to fade out on ME as she makes it seem she's wanting to stay in touch as in my last text I was wondering if she was still interested in getting together again...this was her opportunity to give me a clean break by presenting to her this "line" Giving her an "out",....but I"m assuming she's still interested as she said, "I apologize for my delayed response, I had a really hectic schedule this month.... I'm out of town right now so won't be available much by phone, but I'll be in touch with you when I get back home."

 

This woman is rather local to me (within minutes), for a change as I kind of getting sick of driving long distances for short meets. Met her on OK Cupid and her only reason for meeting me was the fact we actually know each other through other real life friends...she said she's been rather apprehensive of the men who had contacted her already and hasn't really been logging into frequently during her duration on the site.

[eleve82]

I Googled "the fade away dating" and came up with a few articles on this. Some are of the opinion that this is a behavior that's almost involuntary in nature.

 

Other articles say that it's rather discourteous in doing this as it gives the interested party false hope if you continue to stay in touch with person, but rather on an infrequent basis.

 

This action may be rather done on an unconscious level. Some of us might even catch ourselves and think, "As nice as a person as I am, have I even done the fade?"

 

Some think it's a way to "be nice" and a method by which you can let someone go without actually saying, "Sorry, I had a nice time, but I can't see us dating, good luck to you." and leave it at that, while others continue to stay in touch but say, "I'd really like to get together with you, but my schedule has been quite hectic lately!"

 

I'm at a point now with a woman where I may or may NOT be in the beginning stages of her attempting to fade out on ME as she makes it seem she's wanting to stay in touch as in my last text I was wondering if she was still interested in getting together again...this was her opportunity to give me a clean break by presenting to her this "line" Giving her an "out",....but I"m assuming she's still interested as she said, "I apologize for my delayed response, I had a really hectic schedule this month.... I'm out of town right now so won't be available much by phone, but I'll be in touch with you when I get back home."

 

This woman is rather local to me (within minutes), for a change as I kind of getting sick of driving long distances for short meets. Met her on OK Cupid and her only reason for meeting me was the fact we actually know each other through other real life friends...she said she's been rather apprehensive of the men who had contacted her already and hasn't really been logging into frequently during her duration on the site.

 

 

 

 

Anyone who is crazy about you will make time for you.. I would let go of the ones who are lukewarm to you

[misspond]

 

I'm at a point now with a woman where I may or may NOT be in the beginning stages of her attempting to fade out on ME as she makes it seem she's wanting to stay in touch as in my last text I was wondering if she was still interested in getting together again...this was her opportunity to give me a clean break by presenting to her this "line" Giving her an "out",....but I"m assuming she's still interested as she said, "I apologize for my delayed response, I had a really hectic schedule this month.... I'm out of town right now so won't be available much by phone, but I'll be in touch with you when I get back home."

 

 

I had a recent IRL series of 4 dates with a man who was (I now realise) not that interested/feeling ambivalent about me despite us being able to talk about all sorts of things under the sun.

 

The "out" I gave him was, "are we on the same page or not?" and he confessed we weren't on the same page.

 

To reiterate; If they want to really get to know you then they'll make time for you however busy their schedule. If it's all, "Hey I'm busy for three weeks/can't use my phone/don't have my diary in front of me but maybe we could do something soon?" then they're not that bothered. Let 'em go and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

Edited May 27, 2015 by misspond
Clarification - I learned the hard way :)

[LookAtThisPOst]

I had a recent IRL series of 4 dates with a man who was (I now realise) not that interested/feeling ambivalent about me despite us being able to talk about all sorts of things under the sun.

 

The "out" I gave him was, "are we on the same page or not?" and he confessed we weren't on the same page.

 

To reiterate; If they want to really get to know you then they'll make time for you however busy their schedule. If it's all, "Hey I'm busy for three weeks/can't use my phone/don't have my diary in front of me but maybe we could do something soon?" then they're not that bothered. Let 'em go and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

 

Is there an age where almost just about all singles are starting to feel ambivalent about their dates, esp. if they do it so many times? I'm feeling I'm even starting to reach that saturation point where in the past I thought I felt real chemistry with a woman, thinking they were "the one", only to find out they drop off the face of the planet, regardless of a great acting performance they put on about their enthusiasm about me.

[misspond]

Is there an age where almost just about all singles are starting to feel ambivalent about their dates, esp. if they do it so many times? I'm feeling I'm even starting to reach that saturation point where in the past I thought I felt real chemistry with a woman, thinking they were "the one", only to find out they drop off the face of the planet, regardless of a great acting performance they put on about their enthusiasm about me.

 

I can't answer about age. I'm 48 and the man I was "exploring dating" with was 47. Both very very similar, same taste in lots of stuff (music, attitudes, pop-or-not-pop culture, common family ground, beliefs, both with dry humour), and he was an IRL person because we had friends in common. I was ambivalent about him because he "had issues" (things he said, his attitude towards me on date one, although he opened up a bit more on dates 2 and 3 and then went back to being sneery and ambivalent on date 4 which led to my question about, "being on the same page?" afterwards) and it's entirely possible that I appeared ambivalent to him too. But I did all of the girly things and on dates 2 and 3 he appeared to be chasing me more than I had initially chased him for date 1 and 4. This all sounds a bit spread-sheet (haha).

 

Basically lots in common, but he "wasn't looking for a relationship". Which means he didn't fancy me enough - now that's a kick in the teeth for a confident woman who isn't looking for a second income/father to her kids (he knew that from the outset). I think he was looking for someone younger and less confident but I was intriguing for a while. A place-holder when it comes down to it.

 

Things aren't what they used to be. The advent of OLD and the ever-greater opportunity/issues being worked through by the other person hold sway here (YMMV).

 

After our 4th date (the second one of the four initiated by me) he said goodbye, asked a question about the road name of where I dropped him off to get his train ("thanks for last night", peck on the cheek) and then blew up my FB feed with answers/comments about things I posted (nothing to do with our night before) so I think he was keeping me in his harem of "women who like me". I deleted him from FB the same day because otherwise he would have kept dropping me crumbs to keep himself happy and I would have been looking at what he's been up to and feeling p!ssed off that someone not good enough for me was responding but not reciprocating.

 

Proper real life interactions are the way to go, but even then they're fraught with emotional danger.

 

In reality? I liked him, had some ambivalence about him (because how can you know how you feel after four evenings together when you've as much "life" under your belt as I have?), but would have been happy to explore that further across more dates. He didn't feel the same way so, adios.

 

Not easy but there you go.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I had a recent IRL series of 4 dates with a man who was (I now realise) not that interested/feeling ambivalent about me despite us being able to talk about all sorts of things under the sun.

 

The "out" I gave him was, "are we on the same page or not?" and he confessed we weren't on the same page.

 

I find it interesting that you use common interests and connection imply romance was in the cards. I'm the same way, but you'll find that many women/people rely much heavier on physical attraction and emotional attraction.

 

If the gentleman did not want to be serious, why not continue to hang out with him until/if something better comes along? Life is about the experiences and journey, not the end destination (which is death).

 

Is there an age where almost just about all singles are starting to feel ambivalent about their dates, esp. if they do it so many times? I'm feeling I'm even starting to reach that saturation point where in the past I thought I felt real chemistry with a woman, thinking they were "the one", only to find out they drop off the face of the planet, regardless of a great acting performance they put on about their enthusiasm about me.

 

I'm definitely starting to feel that way about my dates and I cannot say it's a bad thing.

 

I have a benchmark in terms of commonality that I compare my dates to.

 

It's kind of like Along Came Polly, which I actually thought that was a smart thing that he did.

[LookAtThisPOst]

That pretty much covers a lot of things, Miss Pond, right on. But I'm thinking that people that are in the 40+ single category had become so accostomed to not sharing our lives with someone under the same roof...we may not like the idea of growing old together.

 

I've actually dated a 51 year old woman, very beautiful, educated, smart, kind of meek and conservative. Was actually Miss <name of backwater county, 1983). Her "hand" appeared in an Olympics TV commercial handing off a relay "thingy". Had a million dollar smile I could never forget.

 

Had only been in 2 or 3 long term relationships in her life. When I met her this, she hadn't been in anything romantic since 2008/2009.

 

She said, "Relationships are complicated" and actually preferred the company of friends over anything romantic...she was seeking this in Meetups. I wanted to date her as we had highly conservative views/belief systems that were quite unique or even contrary to people we've dated or even associated with.

 

Now, even more revealing...a woman that lives in my area, mid-40's at the time...never married, no kids, and lives in the middle of nowhere...not to put a negative term on it, an attractive spinster. She did a lot of trail biking in the woods near where I live.

 

She has worked with her mother at a private insurance company for over probably 20 years, since she came back from college. (Guaranteed job security there.) Has her own home, too.

 

Said she was engaged to a guy that started "popping" by her place a "little too often". It was already making her feel stifled. I said, "Well, you're engaged...you'll be sharing the SAME living space, so...get used to it!"

 

She had this routine thing she did with her fellow bikers, they went to the local bar/grill to eat on certain evenings...and of course spent all day Saturday biking.

 

Sometimes, her fiance' would ask her to give up a day of biking with her friends to spend the day with him.....well...that didn't pan out so well. SHe wasn't willing to sacrifice routine things she done while she was unattached. She just simply wouldn't BREAK that routine...as most people do when they couple up...for him. He would for her, but I'm just saying...she had become SO accustomed to being single..esp. at her later age.

 

Funny, they say people are getting married at a much later age these days, but apparently, the "later age" is probably causing people not wanting to couple up.

 

Some people are "Living together, apart" (Google it).

 

Occasionally, I'd come across some married couples, my age..that are still married (20 years +). I know this one couple, in that amount of time had raised a kid to college age. Her husband is a musician (yea, a shocker, usually musicians are at wife #4 by now, lol).

 

As happy as can be together....they are becoming quite the anomalies.

 

 

Sometimes I wonder though, they are just tolerating each other.

 

 

 

I can't answer about age. I'm 48 and the man I was "exploring dating" with was 47. Both very very similar, same taste in lots of stuff (music, attitudes, pop-or-not-pop culture, common family ground, beliefs, both with dry humour), and he was an IRL person because we had friends in common. I was ambivalent about him because he "had issues" (things he said, his attitude towards me on date one, although he opened up a bit more on dates 2 and 3 and then went back to being sneery and ambivalent on date 4 which led to my question about, "being on the same page?" afterwards) and it's entirely possible that I appeared ambivalent to him too. But I did all of the girly things and on dates 2 and 3 he appeared to be chasing me more than I had initially chased him for date 1 and 4. This all sounds a bit spread-sheet (haha).

 

Basically lots in common, but he "wasn't looking for a relationship". Which means he didn't fancy me enough - now that's a kick in the teeth for a confident woman who isn't looking for a second income/father to her kids (he knew that from the outset). I think he was looking for someone younger and less confident but I was intriguing for a while. A place-holder when it comes down to it.

 

Things aren't what they used to be. The advent of OLD and the ever-greater opportunity/issues being worked through by the other person hold sway here (YMMV).

 

After our 4th date (the second one of the four initiated by me) he said goodbye, asked a question about the road name of where I dropped him off to get his train ("thanks for last night", peck on the cheek) and then blew up my FB feed with answers/comments about things I posted (nothing to do with our night before) so I think he was keeping me in his harem of "women who like me". I deleted him from FB the same day because otherwise he would have kept dropping me crumbs to keep himself happy and I would have been looking at what he's been up to and feeling p!ssed off that someone not good enough for me was responding but not reciprocating.

 

Proper real life interactions are the way to go, but even then they're fraught with emotional danger.

 

In reality? I liked him, had some ambivalence about him (because how can you know how you feel after four evenings together when you've as much "life" under your belt as I have?), but would have been happy to explore that further across more dates. He didn't feel the same way so, adios.

 

Not easy but there you go.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I find it interesting that you use common interests and connection imply romance was in the cards. I'm the same way, but you'll find that many women/people rely much heavier on physical attraction and emotional attraction.

 

If the gentleman did not want to be serious, why not continue to hang out with him until/if something better comes along? Life is about the experiences and journey, not the end destination (which is death).

 

 

 

I'm definitely starting to feel that way about my dates and I cannot say it's a bad thing.

 

I have a benchmark in terms of commonality that I compare my dates to.

 

It's kind of like Along Came Polly, which I actually thought that was a smart thing that he did.

 

 

Yeah, I remember when I was in my mid-20's, all the people around me in college were COUPLING UP in their Jr. and Sr. years...setting their wedding days within MONTHS of their graduation from college day.

 

They got me so wound up and enthusiastic about finding someone...I was on a serious mission in that time in my life. I recall even being on dating sites in the mid-90s at the college 24/7 computer lab. LOL Mostly all TEXT and no graphics then.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yeah, I remember when I was in my mid-20's, all the people around me in college were COUPLING UP in their Jr. and Sr. years...setting their wedding days within MONTHS of their graduation from college day.

 

They got me so wound up and enthusiastic about finding someone...I was on a serious mission in that time in my life. I recall even being on dating sites in the mid-90s at the college 24/7 computer lab. LOL Mostly all TEXT and no graphics then.

 

In my youth, I was extremely reliant on looks and emotional triggers. Which is not to say I went for blonde bombshells. Far from the case. But if I saw a cute little girl and knew little else about her, I was in love. Same with getting hooked on "feelings for somebody".

 

I'm fairly done with that now. So, slow fade is just the natural progression. I have a benchmark that I use for commonality and connection. When a gal is nice (and almost only exclusively nice gals will go out with me), I give us multiple chances to see if there is maybe something more than each of us thought the first time. Like I mentioned in a previous thread, the fade should really be mutual most of the time.

[trippi1432]

There is a signature here somewhere ....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrI-UBIB8Jk

 

Dating sucks...............I've been hit on by 18 year olds to 70. If I play this song to guys who haven't even seen The Graduate yet....they yell my Mom liked that song. <shakes head> In the past five years the guys who have hit on me is almost embarrassing. A lot of lonely souls out there...not my job.

[minime13]

I Googled "the fade away dating" and came up with a few articles on this. Some are of the opinion that this is a behavior that's almost involuntary in nature.

 

Other articles say that it's rather discourteous in doing this as it gives the interested party false hope if you continue to stay in touch with person, but rather on an infrequent basis.

 

This action may be rather done on an unconscious level. Some of us might even catch ourselves and think, "As nice as a person as I am, have I even done the fade?"

 

Some think it's a way to "be nice" and a method by which you can let someone go without actually saying, "Sorry, I had a nice time, but I can't see us dating, good luck to you." and leave it at that, while others continue to stay in touch but say, "I'd really like to get together with you, but my schedule has been quite hectic lately!"

 

I'm at a point now with a woman where I may or may NOT be in the beginning stages of her attempting to fade out on ME as she makes it seem she's wanting to stay in touch as in my last text I was wondering if she was still interested in getting together again...this was her opportunity to give me a clean break by presenting to her this "line" Giving her an "out",....but I"m assuming she's still interested as she said, "I apologize for my delayed response, I had a really hectic schedule this month.... I'm out of town right now so won't be available much by phone, but I'll be in touch with you when I get back home."

 

This woman is rather local to me (within minutes), for a change as I kind of getting sick of driving long distances for short meets. Met her on OK Cupid and her only reason for meeting me was the fact we actually know each other through other real life friends...she said she's been rather apprehensive of the men who had contacted her already and hasn't really been logging into frequently during her duration on the site.

 

If you asked her if she was interested in seeing you again, and she sends you a line without answering your one simple question, I'd say move on. Sounds like she's not all that interested.

[minime13]

I find it interesting that you use common interests and connection imply romance was in the cards. I'm the same way, but you'll find that many women/people rely much heavier on physical attraction and emotional attraction.

.

 

People rely on physical and emotional attraction for simply that: attraction. Romance comes with attraction, connection, and common interests.