kjohn Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I understand that it is difficult for some people to apologize, though I will admit I really don't understand what is so hard about it. Worse yet, there are some people who deflect and try to shift the blame or the negative attention onto you instead of simply saying "I'm sorry." If you have ever been in a relationship with somebody like this, how did you handle it when you felt you deserved an apology but knew you would never get one? Did you ever find yourself apologizing to them for the blame they shifted onto you instead of standing your ground and demanding the apology you felt you deserved? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I love my parents, but they are both like this. There was never, "I'm sorry." We just went on as if nothing happened. If they knew I was really hurt, they would be extra nice or tell me how much they loved me. IF there was an apology, it was "I'm sorry you were hurt" which to me just means "I'm sorry you're such a baby." I was married to a deflector/explainer/defender. IF he said he was sorry, it was along the lines of "I'm sorry I reacted so badly to YOU." A bit more passive aggressive. Or he would "explain" why his harsh words happened. "I'm sorry, but it has been a really bad day and I need to be able to vent at home." Or "I'm sorry, you just (fill in the blank)." If I did not accept it...or even more often, if I did not go ahead and back down/take the blame before he did, the conversations could go on literally for hours, to the point that if I went to bed, he followed me there. If I did not talk, he would slam and bang things around to keep me from sleeping. One of the things I changed hen I began to grow was that I did not stand for this or participate in it. I wasn't mean, but I calmly told him his apology was n't acceptable when it wasn't, and I told him I would not be participating in a marathon discussion at bedtime, etc. I was always calm and kind, and then I would just ignore the banging. Needless to say, this did NOT go over well, nor did it change his behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I have no problem apologizing, but what agitates me is people who still continue with their rambling or even turn aggressive, as if a retreat on my part just gives them more ground to backfire. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I see it as a red flag if someone can't apologize. That means they struggle being accountable, humble and compassionate. Owning one's mistakes and saying "I am sorry" is crucial to a relationship. I see it as a major character flaw if one struggles in this area. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I think I hate it more when people apologize but then justify their action with something you did than when people don't apologize at all... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I understand that it is difficult for some people to apologize, though I will admit I really don't understand what is so hard about it. Worse yet, there are some people who deflect and try to shift the blame or the negative attention onto you instead of simply saying "I'm sorry." If you have ever been in a relationship with somebody like this, how did you handle it when you felt you deserved an apology but knew you would never get one? Did you ever find yourself apologizing to them for the blame they shifted onto you instead of standing your ground and demanding the apology you felt you deserved? My H's xW was like this. Everything was always his fault, even things she'd done wrong, even the weather. He developed a knee jerk reaction of apologising, to try to keep the peace. So when we got together, it was really difficult - he kept apologising for everything. If I messed up, he would apologise. Then I would freak out at his apologising, and he'd apologise.... Luckily his IC (and his divorce) cured him of that. Now, he has absolutely no problem apologising if he does mess up - but only does so appropriately. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I've known a few like this, including my ex-wife. She had underlying self-image/insecurity issues from being relentlessly scolded by her mother, so admitting she was wrong or apologizing was painful to her. She overcompensated in the other direction to protect that soft core that was so easily hurt. It was important to her to receive [coerce] apologies, however, and then she'd strut around feeling righteous and victorious. In hindsight, I have no idea how I managed to stay in that long. So now I have an intuitive understanding, and I can spot it from a mile away, that the need to win or be right all the time is like seeing the tip of the iceberg - the larger issues are beneath the surface. I'm looking for one who defaults to a soft smile, hugs and empathy instead turning little things into a contest of wills. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Hate women who apologize. Generally we just get in a fight, I pay her back with as much grief as she gave me or vice versa, then we just work it out without anyone apoligizing. Someone saying I'm sorry really doesn't mean anything and probably makes both partners lose a little respect for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 My ex used to do this. I remember I would tell him time and time again to leave his van in gear when he parks in case his hand brake failed. One day it did and his van rolled across the road into someones wall. Apparently it was my fault because I was in hospital at the time and my mother had done some washing for him that he had to pick up. I ended up apologising. I very nearly ended up paying for the wall as well but thankfully my parents stuck their foot down and made him do it. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I used to be like this to a certain extent, years ago. I had a hard time seeing my own faults, until one day, I just didn't have trouble with it anymore. I'd admit when I was wrong, and apologize appropriately. I hesitate to say I literally "woke up" one day was different, but sometimes it really is the result of emotional immaturity. Other times, it is absolutely based in the person's personality and needs some outside intervention to be corrected. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I think the same people who can't admit they're wrong are who find it hard to apologize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JADIE Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I understand that it is difficult for some people to apologize, though I will admit I really don't understand what is so hard about it. Worse yet, there are some people who deflect and try to shift the blame or the negative attention onto you instead of simply saying "I'm sorry." If you have ever been in a relationship with somebody like this, how did you handle it when you felt you deserved an apology but knew you would never get one? I got a divorce (eventually)... Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I think the same people who can't admit they're wrong are who find it hard to apologize. Exactly. In their eyes, if they aren't wrong, there's nothing to apologize about. It's definitely not a good way to be. I'm glad I grew out of that. Now on the other end of the spectrum, I've been told I sometimes overcompensate and apologize too much. I just can't win Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjohn Posted May 29, 2015 Author Share Posted May 29, 2015 Very interesting responses here. Thanks for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 A favorite of mine from my ex-wife: "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 A favorite of mine from my ex-wife: "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said." Or it's equally insincere sibling "I'm sorry you're upset". Makes you sound unreasonable and unstable at the same time... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjohn Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 What about "I'm sorry but..." My feeling is that an apology containing the word "but" is not an apology at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Or it's equally insincere sibling "I'm sorry you're upset". Makes you sound unreasonable and unstable at the same time... Mr. Lucky For work I will say, "I am sorry you feel like that". Acknowledging their feeling without owning why they feel like that. (Not something I would say that is my fault.) Link to post Share on other sites
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