Should I stay or should I leave?

[oldshirt]

I wrote her a letter in Jan. for the first time stating I would like to be separated for awhile. We talked quite a bit after she read the letter. Like before, things got better for about month and went back to "normal."

 

I just don't feel like having another discussion. I feel it is her turn to put up some effort as I have exhausted all mine.

 

That is exactly my point. If you separate and begin divorce proceedings, she will have to take some form if definitive action herself.

 

If she wants to rain married, she will have to be proactive and address the issues in a manner that you agree to.

 

Or she throws in the towel, signs the papers and you both move on.

 

Discussions, letters and arguements aren't producing results.

 

Separate, begin divorce paperwork, begin living your new life. If she proactively shows up on your doorstep with an action plan of how to fix your issues that you agree to and she follows through, then you can decide what you want to do.

 

If she doesn't show up with what you would accept, you keep on truck'n with your new life.

[oldshirt]

 

I am very happy with her except for the sex issue and that she wants to quit her job and stay at home.

 

I'm happy with my non sexual relationships with my Aunt Beulah, my neighbors, coworkers, female relatives and the gal that works the drive through at Dairy Queen. My spouse on the other hand is my special someone and it's romance/sexuality that separates that relationship from all others. Without that all you have left is just another friend.

 

Would you support a friend that decided he/she didn't want to work any more?

 

Would you take in a roommate that didn't want to pay their share of rent and utilities?

 

A spouse that doesn't want to have a sexual component to the marriage is just another friend and roommate.

 

I've had platonic female roommates before. I openly dated women who did want a romantic/sexual relationship with me and they dated other guys.

 

If she wants to be a platonic roommate, treat her as such. Rent and utilities are due by the first of the month and you will be pursuing romantic/sexual relationships.

[oldshirt]

One thing I don't think you are quite grasping is those of us that are suggesting moving on are not suggesting it as a means to get her to change her behavior. We are saying to do it FOR REAL.

 

I think you are at a dead end and if you want to have a full service relationship, you are going to have to find it elsewhere.

 

What I am trying to get across is actually leave her and begin a new life. If for some reason she shows up on your new doorstep and tries to pull off some kind of Hail Mary at the bottom of the 9th, you can decide if you want to try it or not.

 

Otherwise keep moving on with your new life and leave her behind.

 

You've done what you could to try to work with her to improve things and it hasn't worked. Time to move on. If she makes a sound offer after you are out, it's up to you whether you want to consider it or not. But be fully capable of moving on without her.

[berniev]

I'm happy with my non sexual relationships with my Aunt Beulah, my neighbors, coworkers, female relatives and the gal that works the drive through at Dairy Queen. My spouse on the other hand is my special someone and it's romance/sexuality that separates that relationship from all others. Without that all you have left is just another friend.

 

Would you support a friend that decided he/she didn't want to work any more?

 

Would you take in a roommate that didn't want to pay their share of rent and utilities?

 

A spouse that doesn't want to have a sexual component to the marriage is just another friend and roommate.

 

I've had platonic female roommates before. I openly dated women who did want a romantic/sexual relationship with me and they dated other guys.

 

If she wants to be a platonic roommate, treat her as such. Rent and utilities are due by the first of the month and you will be pursuing romantic/sexual relationships.

 

 

Thank you! You surely put things in perspective. I did tell her that if she quits her job, crossing my bottom line, either she needs to start living on her own or I'd take on a mistress on the side. She didn't like that at all.

 

You are right. A wife without sexual relationship is just a friend without the benefit.

[sandylee1]

I wrote her a letter in Jan. for the first time stating I would like to be separated for awhile. We talked quite a bit after she read the letter. Like before, things got better for about month and went back to "normal."

 

I just don't feel like having another discussion. I feel it is her turn to put up some effort as I have exhausted all mine.

 

In that case, have your new accommodation ready and have your stuff packed and tell her your leaving as per your letter.

 

Her actions after that will speak volumes. Could be she just has a very low drive.

[berniev]

In that case, have your new accommodation ready and have your stuff packed and tell her your leaving as per your letter.

 

Her actions after that will speak volumes. Could be she just has a very low drive.

 

Yes, I think so. She just doesn't have much desire and can be happy for a long time without being intimate. I obviously would not like her doing things out of obligation, which she didn't even do much either.

[sandylee1]

Yes, I think so. She just doesn't have much desire and can be happy for a long time without being intimate. I obviously would not like her doing things out of obligation, which she didn't even do much either.

 

I think you've done as much as possible. You've brought it to her attention. It doesn't seem like there's an underlying reason for her lack of desire, such as the stress of little kids or anything else.

 

It would be good if they had a pill to increase one's drive.

 

How do you think she'll react when you go?

[berniev]

I think you've done as much as possible. You've brought it to her attention. It doesn't seem like there's an underlying reason for her lack of desire, such as the stress of little kids or anything else.

 

It would be good if they had a pill to increase one's drive.

 

How do you think she'll react when you go?

 

Shocked? I have no clue at this point. She's more emotional than I am but I don't think she will do anything stupid.

 

No stress of life at all. Like I said, we don't have kids nor do we want any. We are very well off financially, not just with good income but actually own everything we have with lots savings to a point that we don't really have to work. We are both healthy and relatively hardworking, and we enjoy travel/vacation multiple times a year.

 

You can probably see why it's hard to just walk away. I pretty much have a life that most people are jealous of except for the sex part. :-(

Edited May 29, 2015 by berniev

[Mr. Lucky]

I obviously would not like her doing things out of obligation

 

Disagree, I think "fake it til you make it" can be a powerful tool in a marriage. Sometimes providing my partner pleasure is the only goal and expectation, just not feeling it myself.

 

I also think it's counter-productive to resent your partner for a lack of sex and then reject the intimacy offered because the intention wasn't what you wanted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

 

I also think it's counter-productive to resent your partner for a lack of sex and then reject the intimacy offered because the intention wasn't what you wanted...

 

 

I think when people talk about the 'lack of sex,' it's not just act of having sex that they are missing. It's the passion, the intimacy, the desire and it's missing having someone desire and want them.

 

 

You can pay $50 to crack ho on the street and she'll spread her legs and lay there and let you do her, but that's not what 99% of guys want. I think if you were to line up 100 guys and give them the option of having sex with some smoke'n hot blond babe who will just lay there and file her nails and do her own thing while the guys are banging away, or some total Plain Jane who is totally into them and will make love to them with passion and flaming desire, the vast vast vast majority of men will pick the woman who has a sincere desire and passion for them.

 

 

Some times it's not 'intimacy' that's being offered - it's appeasement and letting someone masturbate with their body just to shut them up.

 

 

When someone offers up starfish sex just to get them off their back and to shut them up and get them to quit whining and begging, it's not real sex.

 

 

Speaking for myself personally, I think I would ultimately grow more resentful of someone just offering up occasional starfish sex to shut me up and then laying there watching the clock and telling me to hurry up then I would if someone just came out and told me they had no more sexual feelings for me anymore and was no longer going to engage in sexual activities with me.

 

 

With the latter, I would at least know where I stand and they would at least show me the respect of being honest with me.

 

 

To try to appease someone with starfish sex every now and then to shut them up is humiliating, emasculating and condescending.

[Babs22]

I agree, that leaving her is better than having multiple affairs.

 

This has been going on for 20 years, so it can't be an age factor. She just isn't that into you or isn't that into sex.

 

I do have a question, if you two do not have children, why does she want to quit working? I have a friend who let his wife quit working, she started gambling. I would think she would be bored if she wasn't working. It is probably best if you end it before she quits her job, sounds like she is going to need it.

 

Best of luck.

[berniev]

I agree, that leaving her is better than having multiple affairs.

 

This has been going on for 20 years, so it can't be an age factor. She just isn't that into you or isn't that into sex.

 

I do have a question, if you two do not have children, why does she want to quit working? I have a friend who let his wife quit working, she started gambling. I would think she would be bored if she wasn't working. It is probably best if you end it before she quits her job, sounds like she is going to need it.

 

Best of luck.

 

I have no clue. Bad influence from her work as most of her coworkers are retirees or bored stay at home moms.

 

I told her that was my bottle line. She can not quick work. End of the discussion.

[berniev]

I had another conversation with her just an hour ago. I asked her when she thinks we can have sex again as the last time was more than two months ago. It didn't go well as she brought up that I turned her down last Sat. Well maybe I did as I was not fully awake when she came over. After this many years, the resentment finally got me - I have no interest having sex with her anymore.

 

I just don't understand why she doesn't see this is an issue and does not take the initiative after so many talks. I guess I am really done. *cry

[Mr. Lucky]

To try to appease someone with starfish sex every now and then to shut them up is humiliating, emasculating and condescending.

 

Understand and agree.

 

But it's also unrealistic to expect a sexually challenged relationship to go zero to pornstar overnight. Baby steps are involved and sometimes this means more focus on what rather than how or why. And some spouses are so resentful that the LS partner could offer them a 3-way with a supermodel and the anger would still get in the way.

 

I'd err in favor of accepting my partner's overtures and worry about labels later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

I would argue there are multiple issues in the marriage beyond her "low sex drive". Youve been cheating for the last 20 years. She may not consciously know this, but i would bet it has a bigger effect on your sex life than you realize.

 

Also, how come you get to dictate what the bottom line is re: her job? like other posters, i also dont think she should quit before the divorce, but from the way you have described your financial sotuation, it sounds like work is optional for both of you anyway. I dont see why she should not be allowed to retire after having contribted hr whole life to get thlo this point. And i really dont see how the mistress comment fits in with that.

 

At this point you are continuing to cheat, and are so resentful you dont wanna have sex with her anyway. You also seem to believe you are entitled to stating the "bottom line" in all decisions.

 

Do both of you a favor and get a divorce. I bet shell meet someone she desires if you set her free.

[berniev]

I would argue there are multiple issues in the marriage beyond her "low sex drive". Youve been cheating for the last 20 years. She may not consciously know this, but i would bet it has a bigger effect on your sex life than you realize.

 

Also, how come you get to dictate what the bottom line is re: her job? like other posters, i also dont think she should quit before the divorce, but from the way you have described your financial sotuation, it sounds like work is optional for both of you anyway. I dont see why she should not be allowed to retire after having contribted hr whole life to get thlo this point. And i really dont see how the mistress comment fits in with that.

 

At this point you are continuing to cheat, and are so resentful you dont wanna have sex with her anyway. You also seem to believe you are entitled to stating the "bottom line" in all decisions.

 

Do both of you a favor and get a divorce. I bet shell meet someone she desires if you set her free.

 

No, I didn't cheat all 20 years. Only a few, certainly not in the past 10 years. Like I said, I tried to work things out with her in the past 10 years.

 

We both just past 40 to put things into perspective. The retirement thing is just a whole different issue. I pretty much only have one bottom line: as long as she's able, the woman in my marriage needs to work regardless how much money we have.

[notbroken]

I've been in a similar situation. You can't 'make' someone want to have sex with you. Why even try? Find someone that wants to - for both your sake. Tell her you are going to get in the gym and look your best for her but that you aren't a Eunich and want to have a sexual relationship with her. Then do it. If she doesn't respond like you want then you have no choice but to do the honorable thing (and it isn't cheating). A sexless life or having sex with someone that doesn't want to just isn't worth it. There isn't a shortage of women that will want to 'rock your world'.

[whenisitenough]

It may just be a low sex drive yes. In my situation I have desire for my husband however, when he hurts me by flirting with other women, openly admiring other women and lying to me, I pull away and no longer feel close to him. Its a defense mechsnism. Do you think she has been hurt, not discussing it and living with built up resentment?

[berniev]

It may just be a low sex drive yes. In my situation I have desire for my husband however, when he hurts me by flirting with other women, openly admiring other women and lying to me, I pull away and no longer feel close to him. Its a defense mechsnism. Do you think she has been hurt, not discussing it and living with built up resentment?

 

I think she has low drive. No, she has not been hurt in anyway. We talked very openly multiple times.

 

I can understand the low drive. What I can't understand is her oblivion. If I were her, I would make a conscious effort to make changes or at least to check on our situation once awhile like asking "How are we doing lately?"

[Babs22]

No, I didn't cheat all 20 years. Only a few, certainly not in the past 10 years. Like I said, I tried to work things out with her in the past 10 years.

 

We both just past 40 to put things into perspective. The retirement thing is just a whole different issue. I pretty much only have one bottom line: as long as she's able, the woman in my marriage needs to work regardless how much money we have.

 

Both just past 40? That is very young yet. Too young to not be into sex and too young to quit working. I agree, especially with no children, she should keep working. I also think that it is best if you divorce especially since you've already cheated. It would be the most fair thing to do. Especially before she tries to quit her job. She will need to be financially independent. I hope you both find someone who will rock each of your worlds. She might just discover a sex drive she didn't know existed. (No negativity towards you, but maybe she has just become complacent)

[hudson701]

This is heartbreaking to read.

 

Time to head over to the rational male and read the article on desire. You cannot negotiate genuine desire. Hell, you've been trying for 20 years with no success. Learn a bit of game and see if she responds. If not, it's time to move on. Good luck.

[berniev]

Just a follow up. I had one last talk with her giving her the two options: open marriage or separation+therapist.

 

Well she asked for one last chance, which I think I am willing to try. We agreed on a few conditions. I think I'll give it three months and see how we are doing.

 

I'll stop all my infidelity immediately.

[sandylee1]

Just a follow up. I had one last talk with her giving her the two options: open marriage or separation+therapist.

 

Well she asked for one last chance, which I think I am willing to try. We agreed on a few conditions. I think I'll give it three months and see how we are doing.

 

I'll stop all my infidelity immediately.

 

Let's see what happens?

 

You don't think she's cheating do you? I've heard of spouses not interested for years, only to discover they were cheating and their AP requested 'fidelity '. Yep. Fidelity from your married affair partner. The madness !

 

OP , I really hope it improves. I often wish their was a pill to increase one's sex drive.

[whenisitenough]

I think she has low drive. No, she has not been hurt in anyway. We talked very openly multiple times.

 

I can understand the low drive. What I can't understand is her oblivion. If I were her, I would make a conscious effort to make changes or at least to check on our situation once awhile like asking "How are we doing lately?"

 

If you have had affairs in the past, then she has been hurt. You may have tried to concealed them but there is a reason they say, ' the wife always knows".

[whenisitenough]

Just a follow up. I had one last talk with her giving her the two options: open marriage or separation+therapist.

 

Well she asked for one last chance, which I think I am willing to try. We agreed on a few conditions. I think I'll give it three months and see how we are doing.

 

I'll stop all my infidelity immediately.

 

No, I didn't cheat all 20 years. Only a few, certainly not in the past 10 years.

 

 

I'm confused. If you have not cheated in the past 10 years then why do you need to stop your infidelity immediately?