Irrational retroactive jealousy making me suicidal :(

[frenchfries]

Hi everyone I really need help dealing with my retroactive jealousy because it's making me suicidal and really ill. Basically I've been with my bf for 5 years (since we were 18) and NEVER got jealous or even cared about his past until I found out that he still watches porn and looks at inappropriate pics of girls including his exes on facebook (he told me he stopped all that since we got together because he loved and respected me too much but obviously that was a lie). I felt cheated and it made me so insecure about myself I even lost all my confidence and since then I have somehow developed retroactive jealousy over his past, specifically his very first relationship/girlfriend when he was 15. They didn't even do much just kissing/making out without inappropriate touching but that is still very disturbing for me to know that she was his first kiss and that they made out because I honestly do not have a past of my own.

 

What made it worse was that I came across some very disturbing information on neuroscience on the Internet saying crap like how the body produces more 'pleasure chemicals' the first time we do something and how teenagers apparently feel the most pleasure. Like wth I do understand that half of that is bull**** because most neuroscience is exaggerated especially by the media and there's a lot of literature on how most of it is bull****. They even call it neurobullocks. But there's always that thought at the back of my head that what if her kisses were more pleasurable? I know he loves me truly and he even says that she was a mistake and if he could go back he wouldn't date her but I just can't stop comparing! Before reading all that crap I thought kissing was not even a big deal that's why I was ok with his past before but now it's turned into such a big deal for me and I keep obsessing over the moment their lips first touched like WTH I sound crazy...I know it's irrational but I can't help it.

 

I KNOW other threads on retroactive jealousy talk about serious things like sex but for me kissing has become something really serious after reading all that crap online. We are both virgins and sometimes it does help to know that if we get married I will be his first sexual experience but that thought doesn't always help to reassure me. Every time we kiss or touch I think about his ex and it just ruins the moment. I can't deal with this thought pattern its like a disease draining out all the energy inside me I feel like killing myself

[deadelvis]

Ok first of all don't kill yourself. That's just crazy talk. Your young and have a lot to look forward to in life. Dying a virgin would be a terrible waste. Now as for your RJ try to take a deep breath and relax. This will pass and you will look back on this and laugh someday. It may not seem like it now but I assure you it's not as big of a deal as you are making it. First of all. Porn. Every guy watches porn. If they say they don't they are lying. I rarely watch it anymore because I watched so much porn it barely even does anything for me anymore. Be grateful he's watching porn, if he wasn't you'd have bigger problems. When porn stops doing anything for you its a sign you've become desensitized to sexuality. As for him jacking off to pictures of his ex girlfriend... That's a pretty rude thing to do. I can understand why that hurts your feelings. You should talk to him about this and let him know how much that hurts you. I won't lie to you here. I would be pretty angry and upset myself.

 

As for kissing. I have kissed a lot of people. I used to kiss people just for fun or even people of the same gender just to be disgusting. Everyone kisses differently, but I enjoy kissing my current partner more than anyone else, not because we are better at kissing, in fact sometimes it's awkward, it's because I love her and I enjoy kissing the person I love. I can't even remember what is was like kissing other people. Only the terrible kissers stand out in my mind.

[deadelvis]

Checkout my thread a couple down the list "my girlfriend banged every guy she knows" if I can deal with that, you can deal with this

[La.Primavera]

If these feelings are getting so out of control that you would rather die than feel them anymore then you need to seek help from a professional. If you don't know who to call I would suggest you contact your doctor for advice.

 

It can be really hard to break a cycle like this when you are doing it alone. Don't feel bad about asking for help. Your peace of mind and happiness has to a priority over everything else right now.

 

Good luck.

[Lois_Griffin]

Jesus, you need professional help.

 

Your boyfriend isn't responsible for your extremely emotionally imbalanced state.

 

You are. And you need to get yourself right again.

 

I hate to tell you, but most guys do watch porn. Not all, but most. Again, it's not his job to put on blinders and lock himself in the basement in order for you to feel right with the world.

 

I feel really bad for your poor boyfriend who now has to apologize to you for having had a girlfriend and kissing her back when he was 15. Claiming she was a 'mistake?' Seriously?

 

Please get help.

[nina_x]

It's perfectly normal for you to feel jealous or weird when you think about the one you love kissing another person. It hurts.

 

You just can't blame it on your bf. He had no idea he would one day meet you and date you, do you think he should have waited for you to give his first kiss?

 

You need to get help and control this feelings, it's normal to feel jealous, but don't let this control you.

[frenchfries]

Ok first of all don't kill yourself. That's just crazy talk. Your young and have a lot to look forward to in life. Dying a virgin would be a terrible waste. Now as for your RJ try to take a deep breath and relax. This will pass and you will look back on this and laugh someday. It may not seem like it now but I assure you it's not as big of a deal as you are making it. First of all. Porn. Every guy watches porn. If they say they don't they are lying. I rarely watch it anymore because I watched so much porn it barely even does anything for me anymore. Be grateful he's watching porn, if he wasn't you'd have bigger problems. When porn stops doing anything for you its a sign you've become desensitized to sexuality. As for him jacking off to pictures of his ex girlfriend... That's a pretty rude thing to do. I can understand why that hurts your feelings. You should talk to him about this and let him know how much that hurts you. I won't lie to you here. I would be pretty angry and upset myself.

 

As for kissing. I have kissed a lot of people. I used to kiss people just for fun or even people of the same gender just to be disgusting. Everyone kisses differently, but I enjoy kissing my current partner more than anyone else, not because we are better at kissing, in fact sometimes it's awkward, it's because I love her and I enjoy kissing the person I love. I can't even remember what is was like kissing other people. Only the terrible kissers stand out in my mind.

 

Thank you deadelvis for your helpful reply. have read your thread about your gf and can honestly say that it has helped motivate me to get over this **** because your problem is a lot bigger than mine. I don't even know what I'd do if I was in your situation. ...all I can say is that if our current partners really did love us then they would not keep in contact with/meet up with their exes. My bf was planning to go on holiday with the ex whose facebook pics he masturbates over...and all this was whilst we were together...pathetic! Glad it didn't happen because he couldn't afford it. Anyways thanks again and good luck with your situation.

[deadelvis]

that post was from a while ago. I've actually learned to accept her past and all her male friends, including the one she's hooked up with. It doesn't bother me anymore. But I'm also 33 so I've learned a lot about letting go of RJ and insecurity over the years, and I've also had a lot of partners, which helps me not take her past too seriously. She loves me now and thats all I could ever ask for. Regarding your situation, I do however think it's really inappropriate the way he's been acting with his ex. The combination of masturbating to her pictures and (planning to) going on holiday with her is not acceptable in my opinion. I would definitely tell him your feelings about this. Their past isn't really the issue, but him masturbating to pictures of a real person (vs porn or whatever) and especially planning to go on holiday with her is not ok. I personally would put my foot down on that issue. I would probably say "look, you have been masturbating to pictures of your exgirlfriend and you were planning to go on holiday with her, either you completely remove her from your life or it's over with us. Her or me. Your choice." I know ultimatums are a bad idea usually, but considering the situation I don't think it's unjustified.

 

But I don't know the nature of his relationship with her. The masturbating to her pictures thing is really rude and hurtful. And planning to go on holiday with her? I would be upset too. If I caught my GF masturbating to pictures of an ex, let alone one she was still in contact with, I would be livid. And going on holiday together. Wow. I'm not sure I could get over that. I can accept a lot from someones past, but that's not his past, that's something he's doing in the present and it's really hurtful.

Edited May 28, 2015 by deadelvis

[frenchfries]

Jesus, you need professional help.

 

Your boyfriend isn't responsible for your extremely emotionally imbalanced state.

 

You are. And you need to get yourself right again.

 

I hate to tell you, but most guys do watch porn. Not all, but most. Again, it's not his job to put on blinders and lock himself in the basement in order for you to feel right with the world.

 

I feel really bad for your poor boyfriend who now has to apologize to you for having had a girlfriend and kissing her back when he was 15. Claiming she was a 'mistake?' Seriously?

 

Please get help.

 

First of all, I feel bad for my boyfriend too because that first girlfriend of his used him for the experience then dumped him after a month for another guy. She wanted to get popular at school and the only way to do that was to get a boyfriend because all the 'popular' girls had boyfriends so she followed him around for a year until he said yes to her. If being with a girl like her isn't called a 'mistake' in your dictionary then I don't know what is. I've spoken to her about this in the past and surprisingly she also calls him a 'mistake' even though she's the one who played with his feelings. Oh btw I know all this because we were all at the same high school and I knew them both.

 

Also, im not telling my bf to go lock himself in the basement for me to feel better. Maybe porn isn't a big deal but masturbating to one of your ex girlfriend's pics is NOT at all acceptable and is a valid reason to make any girl insecure and jealous.

 

Next time make sure you know all the facts of the case before posting your unhelpful comment/opinions. I wanted some helpful advice/ wise words but I guess that's too much to ask for. Thanks anyway

[Redhead14]

that post was from a while ago. I've actually learned to accept her past and all her male friends, including the one she's hooked up with. It doesn't bother me anymore. But I'm also 33 so I've learned a lot about letting go of RJ and insecurity over the years, and I've also had a lot of partners, which helps me not take her past too seriously. She loves me now and thats all I could ever ask for. Regarding your situation, I do however think it's really inappropriate the way he's been acting with his ex. The combination of masturbating to her pictures and (planning to) going on holiday with her is not acceptable in my opinion. I would definitely tell him your feelings about this. Their past isn't really the issue, but him masturbating to pictures of a real person (vs porn or whatever) and especially planning to go on holiday with her is not ok. I personally would put my foot down on that issue. I would probably say "look, you have been masturbating to pictures of your exgirlfriend and you were planning to go on holiday with her, either you completely remove her from your life or it's over with us. Her or me. Your choice." I know ultimatums are a bad idea usually, but considering the situation I don't think it's unjustified.

 

Ultimatums are not bad ideas because the person offering the ultimatum fears the other person will drop them. It's a bad idea because the person who is being offered the ultimatum may opt to stay with them and they will continue to be saddled with whatever issues were causing that person to offer the ultimatum.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Dump him. You're not ready to be in a relationship.

[deadelvis]

The past is the past, but he's doing stuff in the present which is really just unacceptable behaviour. It's important to seperate those two. Being insecure over his past is pointless. But if he's doing things to hurt you and the relationship in the present thats a whole different story. His relationship with his exGF is not appropriate. She needs to go. Or he does if he isn't willing to do that. She may see him as just a friend but he clearly has feelings for her, and that isn't fair to you.

[kylle]

He looks at pictures of his ex and masturbates to them...and he also wants to go to a trip with her...without you.

 

 

What the hell are you still doing with this guy?

[drifter777]

Every guy with access to the internet looks at porn. It's normal for a man to want to see women having sex - it's a huge turn on. Yeah, some guys get obsessed with watching it to the point it interferes with their daily life and, obviously, they need help. But it's healthy stimulation for the overwhelming majority of men AND women.

 

You are going to have a very unhappy love-life if you don't grow up about porn. We all do it or lie about doing it.

[ExpatInItaly]

He looks at pictures of his ex and masturbates to them...and he also wants to go to a trip with her...without you.

 

 

What the hell are you still doing with this guy?

 

This. OP, you have a reason to be worried. This is not acceptable at all. How and when did you find out about this? And would he have gone if he'd had the money? This is all kinds of shady. You're not crazy for being very upset about this.

 

I think you need to get rid of this guy. He doesn't respect you if he went behind your back if to plan a vacation with this ex. I think this is really where your jealousy is coming from. And it's spun way out of control.

 

No relationship should feel like. For your own well-being, get in touch with a professional. Having suicidal thoughts over this is very disturbing and you need guidance from someone who is qualified to offer it.

[Chi townD]

If all he's doing is looking at pics on a computer screen, then I can think of a 100 things he could be doing that's worse. Now, if he's fapping to pics of his Ex, then yeah, that's not good and needs to be addressed. But, if it's to porn? Seriously, what are the chances he's EVER going to hook up with a porn star?

 

 

And if you want to read articles, you can google about how guys are very visual creatures and like to look at the female form. Doesn't mean we WANT that! Guys can watch porn no differently than watching sports (just the naked kind).

 

 

I think that you need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart with him. Tell him that this bothers you. But don't make him feel guilty for looking at porn. Sometime guys get curious. Come to a happy median. Try to understand each other.

 

 

Girl, this is complete fixable if you want to.

[frenchfries]

that post was from a while ago. I've actually learned to accept her past and all her male friends, including the one she's hooked up with. It doesn't bother me anymore. But I'm also 33 so I've learned a lot about letting go of RJ and insecurity over the years, and I've also had a lot of partners, which helps me not take her past too seriously. She loves me now and thats all I could ever ask for. Regarding your situation, I do however think it's really inappropriate the way he's been acting with his ex. The combination of masturbating to her pictures and (planning to) going on holiday with her is not acceptable in my opinion. I would definitely tell him your feelings about this. Their past isn't really the issue, but him masturbating to pictures of a real person (vs porn or whatever) and especially planning to go on holiday with her is not ok. I personally would put my foot down on that issue. I would probably say "look, you have been masturbating to pictures of your exgirlfriend and you were planning to go on holiday with her, either you completely remove her from your life or it's over with us. Her or me. Your choice." I know ultimatums are a bad idea usually, but considering the situation I don't think it's unjustified.

 

But I don't know the nature of his relationship with her. The masturbating to her pictures thing is really rude and hurtful. And planning to go on holiday with her? I would be upset too. If I caught my GF masturbating to pictures of an ex, let alone one she was still in contact with, I would be livid. And going on holiday together. Wow. I'm not sure I could get over that. I can accept a lot from someones past, but that's not his past, that's something he's doing in the present and it's really hurtful.

 

I have already given him an ultimatum regarding that ex but it doesn't seem to be working. He said he wants me as girlfriend and her as a friend and said he doesn't want to stop talking to her (or any ex apart from his first because he said he hates her for using him so he doesn't want anything to do with her) he also said he can't delete his ex from facebook. His solution was to make his facebook timeline private so that any of his exes can't post on it but that's just dumb because they can still send each other private msgs and they have each others phone numbers too and he can still look at her pics! I'm going to give him some time to think about it properly. I love him too much (we were actually really good friends before we got together and he was not like this at all before) and leaving him would be so difficult but at the same time if we stay together and say we get married I definitely wouldn't want my husband to be masturbating over his ex and being close friends with her. When we first got together he told me all about this particular ex and how she has the 'curvy' body that he prefers. I'm not skinny but I'm not as curvy as her so he always tells me that I need to put on more weight and be more curvy :/ honestly I've been feeling like **** with this guy for the last 5 years I don't even know how I put up with it. I guess all the stress he caused built up over the years and has now exploded in my head all at once. I'll give him a few days and see what happens. Btw your posts are so helpful it honestly feels like you're the only one here who understands me

[Chi townD]

I have already given him an ultimatum regarding that ex but it doesn't seem to be working. He said he wants me as girlfriend and her as a friend and said he doesn't want to stop talking to her (or any ex apart from his first because he said he hates her for using him so he doesn't want anything to do with her) he also said he can't delete his ex from facebook. His solution was to make his facebook timeline private so that any of his exes can't post on it but that's just dumb because they can still send each other private msgs and they have each others phone numbers too and he can still look at her pics! I'm going to give him some time to think about it properly. I love him too much (we were actually really good friends before we got together and he was not like this at all before) and leaving him would be so difficult but at the same time if we stay together and say we get married I definitely wouldn't want my husband to be masturbating over his ex and being close friends with her. When we first got together he told me all about this particular ex and how she has the 'curvy' body that he prefers. I'm not skinny but I'm not as curvy as her so he always tells me that I need to put on more weight and be more curvy :/ honestly I've been feeling like **** with this guy for the last 5 years I don't even know how I put up with it. I guess all the stress he caused built up over the years and has now exploded in my head all at once. I'll give him a few days and see what happens. Btw your posts are so helpful it honestly feels like you're the only one here who understands me

 

 

Then drop him. Right there tells me that he's putting more of a value on his Ex's friendship than you're relationship. He wants his cake and eat it too. But you deserve better than that.

[frenchfries]

This. OP, you have a reason to be worried. This is not acceptable at all. How and when did you find out about this? And would he have gone if he'd had the money? This is all kinds of shady. You're not crazy for being very upset about this.

 

I think you need to get rid of this guy. He doesn't respect you if he went behind your back if to plan a vacation with this ex. I think this is really where your jealousy is coming from. And it's spun way out of control.

 

No relationship should feel like. For your own well-being, get in touch with a professional. Having suicidal thoughts over this is very disturbing and you need guidance from someone who is qualified to offer it.

 

I found out when I read their conversation about it on his Facebook timeline. Btw she still calls him 'baby'. Anyways when I confronted him about their holiday plan he was normal about it and said they had always wanted to go together. He was expecting me to be normal about it and when I said to him can I come too he changed the topic.

 

And yeah I'm going to get professional help with this.

[frenchfries]

Then drop him. Right there tells me that he's putting more of a value on his Ex's friendship than you're relationship. He wants his cake and eat it too. But you deserve better than that.

 

Seems that way to me too. I wonder how he would feel if the tables turned and I gave my ex more importance.

[ExpatInItaly]

I found out when I read their conversation about it on his Facebook timeline. Btw she still calls him 'baby'. Anyways when I confronted him about their holiday plan he was normal about it and said they had always wanted to go together. He was expecting me to be normal about it and when I said to him can I come too he changed the topic.

 

And yeah I'm going to get professional help with this.

 

Girl, he's given you plenty of reasons not to trust him. He doesn't respect you at all. A guy who's really in love doesn't go planning holidays with an ex behind his girlfriend's back. I think you're freaking out because you actually see the reality (he's not a good boyfriend) and you're terrified of losing him,

[deadelvis]

It actually seems like you are being pretty calm about all this considering the situation. I do think its ok to be friends with ex's but only when it's appropriate. If a long relationship has run its course, both people have moved on and want to stay friends that is a lot more understandable. Her calling him baby, him not wanting you to go on holiday with them, and most importantly him masturbating over her... those are bad signs. It really seems like he wants to be with her and this isn't going to end well.

 

I understand how difficult it is to end a relationship when you love someone, especially if you've been together for a long time. People on these forums are always quick to tell someone to end the relationship, but I they don't realize how difficult that really is. I don't think you have to end it with him, but certainly if his relationship with his ex doesn't change soon, you won't have much choice but to leave him. People deserve second chances, and as far as you know he hasn't cheated on you, but it does seem like he still has feelings for his ex. There are always a certain amount of feelings for any ex, but he's way over the line. It seems like he's wanting/trying to get her back.

 

If you've already given him the ultimatum to cut contact with her and stop wanking to her photos and he refuses to do that it would seem that the writing is on the wall. But maybe he will realize his mistake and correct it. If you can forgive him for still being hung up on his ex and he is willing to let go of his feelings for her then maybe everything will work out, but it doesn't seem like he's really willing to do that. Inside yourself you probably know the answer. Is it harmless and you're just making a big deal over it? maybe... or would he throw away your relationship to get back with her if there was a chance? Only you know the answer to that. These forums can give you advice but ultimately it's you who has to decide what you can put up with and when it's time to leave him.

[d0nnivain]

Frenchfries

 

If you are feeling suicidal talk to someone, go to an emergency room, call a hotline. Do not take your own life.

 

Your "retroactive jealousy" and it's profound impact on your current lack of self esteem are disproportionate reactions to your situation. Those levels of extreme require professional intervention to get you on a more even keel. I'm glad you indicate your willingness to seek help.

 

You are also mis-identifying the problem. You are not upset about something that happened 6+ years ago before he met you. You are upset about his present behaviors: talking to EXs on FB, masturbating to their pictures, looking at porn etc. Do not think that is retroactive. Retroactive jealousy is you freaking out because you learned that 6+ years ago your BF had a GF before you & even though he doesn't talk to her, have her as a social media friend or even think about her you are upset because she exists on planet earth. See the difference?

 

Rather than kill yourself, break up with him. Getting rid of a toxic relationship will vastly improve your outlook.