Tell the children they have siblings from affair?

[Mrs. New Wife]

At the end of the day....the father should have been the one to disclose this information in a sensitive way. Instead, he allowed another woman to stir the pot. A pot...in which she put two young boys in....with no regard to their emotional well-being. OW2 sounds like a very reckless/self-absorbed person.

 

For all we know the father didn't tell his son because he thought the OP wanted to keep it secret and the girlfriend didn't know that a child that this guy is meeting publicly, introducing to her, and getting pictures with was a big secret to his ex and his other child. I mean, turning it over, if it were me I'd think if my kids are meeting this child and he's openly meeting this child, this isn't some secret that needs to be hidden. Heck, if its his child, regardless of how the child was conceived, the poor kid shouldn't be stuffed aside like he doesn't exist. He's not a bad prom photo, he's a child. In these situations, the kids just have to come first.

 

I think it is harsh to blame the OP for this mess. She is the only one willing to act like an adult. I do not understand condoning of what OW2 has done...in the slightest. To use a child to hurt their mother is about as low as a soul as you can get.

 

I honestly don't see what was done to hurt the child to get at the mother. I see a lot of raw nerves and questionable boundaries and almost no post-divorce structure in terms of the kids and communication...

 

But his girlfriend posting a picture with an innocuous caption to his Facebook of a child that is his... I don't see why that would hurt the OP in the slightest. She knows the child exists, has known for years and years, so why would acknowledging that fact hurt her? And I agree, it would hurt their son to find it out, but any hurt it has on their mutual child is the fallout of the mutual deception by both parents who pretended the child doesn't exist in relation to what was defined as the "core family." That's both of their faults for not coming clean.

 

I get sweeping an affair under the rug, but when a child results, that means taking your husband back plus bringing aboard his child and integrating him into your life. You can't sweep under circumstances like that. The fact that he walked away from a child, and she was OK with pretending the child didn't exist too... That means the conversation that was had with the child and his reaction falls on both the parents.

Edited June 4, 2015 by Mrs. New Wife

[minimariah]

For all we know the father didn't tell his son because he thought the OP wanted to keep it secret...

 

it doesn't matter, really. in situations like these, you have no business making decisions based on what you THINK - you need to make decisions based on what you KNOW, so you communicate.

 

and again - it is not about hiding this other child, it is about handling the entire situation badly. instead of sitting down with your kid and telling him he has a sibling, you throw a hint over a FB picture.

 

But his girlfriend posting a picture with an innocuous caption to his Facebook of a child that is his... I don't see why that would hurt the OP in the slightest.

 

because it hurts the OP's child. and to hurt the OP's child means to directly hurt the OP. why is the child hurt...? well, because he found out about daddy's other kid from freaking Facebook + he probably wonders why daddy spends time with this other kid but can't find it in his schedule to visit him.

 

so yeah -- posting pictures on FB for your kid to see knowing that the said kid doesn't even know about this other child and WILL wonder & ask questions is a cowardly way to force the truth on your child. as simple as that.

 

 

not the OP -- but her child. so the OP is hurt because her child is hurt.

how will posting pictures on FB hurt the OP's child...? well, because the child is being taunted by his father spending time with a random kid (the child didn She knows the child exists, has known for years and years, so why would acknowledging that fact hurt her? And I agree, it would hurt their son to find it out, but any hurt it has on their mutual child is the fallout of the mutual deception by both parents who pretended the child doesn't exist in relation to what was defined as the "core family." That's both of their faults for not coming clean.

 

I get sweeping an affair under the rug, but when a child results, that means taking your husband back plus bringing aboard his child and integrating him into your life.

 

hell no.

 

you don't need and you're not obligated to involve your husband's child in YOUR life -- especially when the husband doesn't want to take care, take responsibility for that child. the husband, the father decides and the W goes by that decision -- because it isn't her child. that's not sweeping under the rug, the W simply minds her own business.

 

and she wasn't pretending that the child doesn't exist -- she simply moved on with her life with child being irrelevant to her. it's not on her to discuss the kid that means nothing to her.

[minimariah]

I'm sure you do disagree but unfortunately the courts disagree with you.

 

what? no.

 

read my post again -- you wrote that a father who doesn't take care of his child is a piece of crap (THAT i agree with) and that a woman who stays with him is no better (now THAT i DON'T agree with). that's what i was disagreeing with. you missed the point.

 

Sounds like you know a lot of really irresponsible people.

 

i work in mental health/social work field so i see a lot of messy family situations. that's really it. if you don't want kids - use protection, absolutely.

 

you "attacked" the OP for being a bad judge of character and putting her child in the situation to be abandoned by his father -- yet you said nothing about the OW putting HER child in a situation to be abandoned by a man she probably knew won't and can't take care of them. so i'ma just leave it at that.

[Spark1111]

You should read Raena's story to discover what this crazy, nut job drama queen has put her through.

 

For some women, it is LESS about winning the man and MORE about besting his former woman. I guess it is not as exciting a relationship, not as empowering, unless you can continue to make the former ogre frigid alcoholic fillintheblank gf/xBS a monster you can make yourself feel superior to.

 

Jeez, give it a rest. You won the man and still, YEARS later need to trash the woman you won him from.....pathetic.

 

Raena, your xH is an idiot and his new woman is nucking futs.

 

When you deal with crazy, ESPECIALLY CRAZY that needs to empower herself by hurting, besting you, you have to assume your Mother Theresa personna.

 

I know it's hard when you want to rip her throat out, but take the highest, most holy path: Ignore her, say nothing bad about her, nothing bad about your POS X and TELL your son the truth. Paint his father in the kindest way you can.

 

Yes, way before daddy fell in love with me, he was with X and they had a son. His name is BLANK and he is your half-brother. Someday, I hope you two will meet and maybe be friends.

 

I have seen this over and over again. That is your son's blood and they will, if they should ever connect, have a natural affinity for each other.

 

be a good mom (and I know you are) and always tell your son the truth, in the kindest way possible, and NEVER,bad mouth his dad to him. ( Ignore the crazy new woman who keeps trying to hurt you! Ignore, ignore, ignore!)

[minimariah]

BTW- yes a mother can post pics of her child to the father's page at anytime she wants!

 

the woman posting isn't the child's mother, for one. and i didn't say that she isn't allowed to post pictures -- i said that it isn't responsible or appropriate when you know that the other clueless kid will see it.

 

& you say she should protect her child but then say it's was only the responsibility of the father to tell her child that they have a sibling.

 

how are these two things in contradiction?

 

You're not making any sense at all.

 

i am making a fantastic sense, actually - you keep involving the OP and puting some kind of blame on her for this entire mess and the entire situation -- the situation IS NOT the OP's fault. she found herself in this mess and played it the best she could. she did NOTHING wrong and the other kid isn't her business at all - point blank period.

 

OP -- you handled it in a really awesome way. wishing you and your boy the best.

[Spark1111]

it's blaming the woman and frankly, I grow weary of it.

 

this man is a POS. he has now abandoned 2 women and 2 sons and is with his 3 rd woman who makes sport out of it all hurting both mothers and using one son to hurt the unsuspecting other son, the most recent one, and his mother, the woman she won this man from.

 

he no longer has contact with his last son, but has suddenly chosen to heal the relationship with his first son, the one he abandoned and never acknowledged until recently.

 

what a mess! what a prince of a guy! what a father who never acknowledged his first son and has now neglected his second son while being in a relationship with his third OW. she is also a queen amongst women.

 

and we blame Raena? Why?

 

Jeez.....

[Wondering33]

the woman posting isn't the child's mother, for one. and i didn't say that she isn't allowed to post pictures -- i said that it isn't responsible or appropriate when you know that the other clueless kid will see it.

 

 

 

how are these two things in contradiction?

 

 

 

i am making a fantastic sense, actually - you keep involving the OP and puting some kind of blame on her for this entire mess and the entire situation -- the situation IS NOT the OP's fault. she found herself in this mess and played it the best she could. she did NOTHING wrong and the other kid isn't her business at all - point blank period.

 

OP -- you handled it in a really awesome way. wishing you and your boy the best.

 

bottom line again...a child shouldn't have to pay for a crazy parent! You go back with a husband that has a child with another woman, never tell your own son he has a sibling & then your husband goes & does it again...& your biggest problem is pictures on Facebook? ONCE AGAIN...her husband is at fault but after she knew about it the 1st time, she was part of the lie her son was being told! It's her child too & she lived a false truth to him, which is a lie. So yes his father hurt him but she knowingly went along with it. All I'm saying is her son finding out on Facebook is part her fault bc she also withheld that truth from her son & even if the OW is crazy, she still has the right to post pics of her child to their dad's Facebook. No child deserves to be treated like a 2nd class citizen bc their mom is crazy. All the adults in the situation, not one of them is putting any of theise kids 1st...you've got 3 siblings (children) that are in a big mess bc of a lousy father that's been able to head screw 3 different women & it's very sad. He has all of them playing against each other...including this one, he had her lie to her own son. At this point none of these adults are without fault...though he is the ring leader. She did tell her son, which she should of from the time he could understand. It's his sibling...

[sandylee1]

Its about seeing someone's character. If a person treats one child like crap...a part of them. Where would one think they wouldn't do it to another one of their kids? So it's ok to enable (man or woman) to treat part of their blood like that & own no responsibility that you also put your own child in that situation? I'm not saying worry about the other child, I'm saying putting your own child in the situation to trust a person you knew that has shown to be untrust worthy. She was out for her own (which is fine) but now is upset that OP is posting pics of "her" child. Can't be out for your own & mad when another woman is doing the same.

 

The OP has NO fault or blame here.

 

I wouldn't give a damn about the child my H fathered from an affair. If the mother knowingly slept with my H, a married man, she and her child can deal with whatever comes their way. If that includes being ignored, then so be it.

 

Sorry for the innocent child, but as the wife it's not my problem. The character issues lie with the OPs husband.

 

If I was the OW and got pregnant by a MM, why would I think the wife should give a flying f*** about my child.

[sandylee1]

bottom line again...a child shouldn't have to pay for a crazy parent! You go back with a husband that has a child with another woman, never tell your own son he has a sibling & then your husband goes & does it again...& your biggest problem is pictures on Facebook? ONCE AGAIN...her husband is at fault but after she knew about it the 1st time, she was part of the lie her son was being told! It's her child too & she lived a false truth to him, which is a lie. So yes his father hurt him but she knowingly went along with it. All I'm saying is her son finding out on Facebook is part her fault bc she also withheld that truth from her son & even if the OW is crazy, she still has the right to post pics of her child to their dad's Facebook. No child deserves to be treated like a 2nd class citizen bc their mom is crazy. All the adults in the situation, not one of them is putting any of theise kids 1st...you've got 3 siblings (children) that are in a big mess bc of a lousy father that's been able to head screw 3 different women & it's very sad. He has all of them playing against each other...including this one, he had her lie to her own son. At this point none of these adults are without fault...though he is the ring leader. She did tell her son, which she should of from the time he could understand. It's his sibling...

 

Everyone's priority is THEIR OWN child.

 

Remember that there are people who insist on NC with the child /mother in order to reconcile. Sometimes the cheating husband wants nothing to do with them. His only obligation is child support and no court can force a relationshipwith the child.

 

Bottom line - if you have sex with a married man and get pregnant, you should take full responsibility for what happens after that . It takes two to tango, but any sensible woman knows shes left holding the baby.

 

Why bring a child into this world in such a tainted manner. Yes, it's unfair to the child, but as the BW, it's not on the OP.

 

It's bad enough getting cheated on, then finding out there is an OC, then on top of all that the BW should be ever so nice and tell her son about his dad's lovechild. ...? Seriously!

[Sub]

bottom line again...a child shouldn't have to pay for a crazy parent! You go back with a husband that has a child with another woman, never tell your own son he has a sibling & then your husband goes & does it again...& your biggest problem is pictures on Facebook? ONCE AGAIN.....

 

Once again.... you need to know the whole story here. The FB pictures are a small part of the issue. Nowhere near the "biggest problem".

[minimariah]

Everyone's priority is THEIR OWN child.

 

Remember that there are people who insist on NC with the child /mother in order to reconcile. Sometimes the cheating husband wants nothing to do with them. His only obligation is child support and no court can force a relationshipwith the child.

 

Bottom line - if you have sex with a married man and get pregnant, you should take full responsibility for what happens after that . It takes two to tango, but any sensible woman knows shes left holding the baby.

 

Why bring a child into this world in such a tainted manner. Yes, it's unfair to the child, but as the BW, it's not on the OP.

 

It's bad enough getting cheated on, then finding out there is an OC, then on top of all that the BW should be ever so nice and tell her son about his dad's lovechild. ...? Seriously!

 

all of this.

 

pure logic.

[Sub]

even if the OW is crazy, she still has the right to post pics of her child to their dad's Facebook. No child deserves to be treated like a 2nd class citizen bc their mom is crazy..

 

Still not getting it. The crazy OW wasn't posting pics of her child. It was someone else's child.

[minimariah]

bottom line again...a child shouldn't have to pay for a crazy parent!

 

i think we can all agree on that -- your mistake is that you somehow seem to think that the OP is doing wrong & punishing this other child... she isn't because the other child is none of her business. the OP owes nothing to this other child and this other child is not her family. they're siblings -- so what? that doesn't make them a family. you want this other kid to be the OP's worry so bad and it just doesn't make any sense.

 

You go back with a husband that has a child with another woman, never tell your own son he has a sibling & then your husband goes & does it again...& your biggest problem is pictures on Facebook?

 

the biggest problem aren't the pictures on FB -- the biggest problem is a child learning about his sibling THROUGH Facebook and that is SOLELY the father's fault.

 

why would she tell her son that he has a sibling? that ain't her business, she has only one child to take care of. why is that so unbelievably hard for you to understand?

 

ONCE AGAIN...her husband is at fault but after she knew about it the 1st time, she was part of the lie her son was being told!

 

yeah, she was. and? i already explained it to you why telling a lie to a preschool kid WASN'T such a bad idea.

 

All the adults in the situation, not one of them is putting any of theise kids 1st...you've got 3 siblings (children) that are in a big mess bc of a lousy father that's been able to head screw 3 different women & it's very sad.

 

what on Earth are you talking about...? did you even read the OP's first post...? there are no 3 siblings, there is only TWO siblings and the father didn't do it again. go back and read the post -- with comprehension this time.

 

you keep projecting your own feelings onto this entire story and you don't even have the facts right.

 

the OP handled it VERY WELL. she took care of her own kid and that is the only thing that matters. sure, this other child shouldn't be treated like a 2nd class citizen -- but you still didn't explain how is that any of the OP's worry. like, it is not on the OP to make sure that this other child is well. at all.

 

you talk about adults in this situation not putting their kids 1st... the OP is MOST DEFINITELY putting HER child 1st. the other kid? why should she put the other kid first...? that kid means nothing to her. that kid is relevant to her as much as i'm relevant to Angelina Jolie.

 

so stop trying to make the OP feel bad because she didn't take care of this other child -- this other child is his or hers parent's responsibility -- the father + the OW. the OP has nothing to do with it.

 

if you have a baby with someone attached, be prepared for the consequences. following your logic, it is the OW's fault that her kid is being treated like a 2nd class citizen because she didn't judge her lover's character right. yet somehow, you keep putting it all on the OP -- sorry, not gonna work.

Edited June 4, 2015 by minimariah

[Wondering33]

Once again.... you need to know the whole story here. The FB pictures are a small part of the issue. Nowhere near the "biggest problem".

 

Did she stay with a man that had another child?..excepted that he was a dead beat to that child?..kept the fact from her son that he had a sibling? Those are the only facts to know that after those things any situation after that...just didn't "happen" to her. I've said ultimately it's her husband's fault but she made a choice in lying to her son which is what this particular thread is about.

[Redheaded Mistress]

it doesn't matter, really. in situations like these, you have no business making decisions based on what you THINK - you need to make decisions based on what you KNOW, so you communicate.

 

and again - it is not about hiding this other child, it is about handling the entire situation badly. instead of sitting down with your kid and telling him he has a sibling, you throw a hint over a FB picture.

 

It is about hiding the child. If you're telling your ex that he needs to be careful about publicly acknowledging the child, you're assuming or expecting the existence of this child is going to be hidden. That's not fair to that child at all. The issue is that this kid exists and he was treated like some big secret and the expectation was clearly there by the OP he'd remain that way. The husband did the right thing by finally laying claim to this child, and that is the right thing by the way, and she's the one who's wanting it to be this big secret still.

 

The discovery via a picture on Facebook and the fallout of that... That's both parent's fault. Hers as much as his for not forcing him to come clean.

 

because it hurts the OP's child. and to hurt the OP's child means to directly hurt the OP. why is the child hurt...? well, because he found out about daddy's other kid from freaking Facebook + he probably wonders why daddy spends time with this other kid but can't find it in his schedule to visit him.

 

So it's Ok for the other child to have no father, know nothing about him or his sibling, and to sit and wonder why his father spends time with another child but finds no time to schedule a visit with him? At least the OP's child was and is an acknowledged child, whereas this child was expected to be the big, shameful, family secret.

 

If that's not acceptable treatment for your child, you shouldn't expect it to be an acceptable treatment for your husband's other child.

 

The fact that, post divorce, the father packed up to move closer to the child he hadn't seen in almost a decade makes me wonder how much of a role the OP played in making sure this child stayed out of the picture. Clearly living far away was a barrier to seeing this child, and clearly that's now the barrier in seeing the OP's child more often now. But picking up to be nearer this child? That doesn't align with the OP claim of him not making any effort or wanting to be involved with this kid's life.

 

so yeah -- posting pictures on FB for your kid to see knowing that the said kid doesn't even know about this other child and WILL wonder & ask questions is a cowardly way to force the truth on your child. as simple as that.

 

Have we established the girlfriend knew that the OP's other child didn't know and it was done to actively be malicious? Or are we assuming that because we're not her biggest fan and assume the worst over the most logical? Because, if it were me and he didn't tell me that his other child didn't know, I'd assume by his behavior that this child wasn't the big secret that apparently the OP thought he should be. He moved to be near the child, he meets the child, he spends time with the child, and there was talk of the kids meeting over the summer... She may have not known at all that she was expected too keep this child a secret.

 

Since she has children by another person it sounds like, she probably gets this dynamic and how abandoning children is wrong in a way the OP clearly doesn't get.

 

not the OP -- but her child. so the OP is hurt because her child is hurt.

how will posting pictures on FB hurt the OP's child...? well, because the child is being taunted by his father spending time with a random kid (the child didn

 

It's time for a reality check here. If the child is hurt because he now knows via Facebook he has a secret sibling, the fault is on both parents for making it a secret. It's the father's fault for not acknowledging the child and stepping up to be a true father, it's the mother's fault for not forcing her husband to be a responsible human being towards his other child and expecting it to be a big secret.

 

There are two people accountable for the mess here, one of them is the OP. Both of them were equally wrong for treating this child like a second class child for the last decade or so. Now Dad wants to do the right thing and he's still the bad guy? Nope. That's not how that works. He should have been there for this child at the start. This child shouldn't have been a secret to begin with. This should have been a sibling he grew up knowing existed, even if he didn't see him, and the other child should have been a child who grew up knowing his father existed in another household. Since he was a secret and he was foisted off and away, it's the fault of both the OP and her ex that this is the big shock now to their child as he is.

 

hell no.

 

you don't need and you're not obligated to involve your husband's child in YOUR life -- especially when the husband doesn't want to take care, take responsibility for that child. the husband, the father decides and the W goes by that decision -- because it isn't her child. that's not sweeping under the rug, the W simply minds her own business.

 

Um, yeah, you are obligated to involve your husband's child in your life. This is a child. Your husband is the parent. You are now this child's stepmother. This child needs time with his father, the other household needs child support from your household, and that child deserves every, last, single, stinking thing that your child has. He's not a second class citizen, a dirty secret.

 

If the husband doesn't want to take care of the child, then you need to ask yourself:

 

A. Why are you with a man who creates children and abandons them?

B. Why are you OK with that?

C. If he can abandon his own child, what makes you think he won't do that to you too?

D. If he abandoned his other child, why are you so surprised that he abandoned your mutual child?

 

Minding your own business? That's a child with your husband as a parent, who has a claim to your money, who has ties to your family, who's related to your child. That's your business if ever I knew what "my business" was.

 

Honestly, I think the OP is realizing the place she's in now is the place she and her husband put the former OW and her child in for decades and she's not liking it. That's a hard realization to come to grips with.

 

and she wasn't pretending that the child doesn't exist -- she simply moved on with her life with child being irrelevant to her. it's not on her to discuss the kid that means nothing to her.

 

And that's why she's at fault too. This child shouldn't have meant nothing to her. And if that was OK with her, she's part of the problem. It also means that her ex is simply following the dynamic of "not in my house, not my problem" with the kids that she condoned and encouraged for years with this other child. She can't be at all angry when her ex reduces time with their child because of the "not my child, not my problem" attitude of his partner if she still thinks that there's nothing wrong with how she actively or passively treated this other child.

 

She needs to accept that this life she built up where their child was the primary child who gets all the attention, all the time, all the everything was all built on the abandonment of another child. That's not OK. Now this other child is getting the attention he was desperately due and deserving of, and because she asked for a divorce, their child is getting less time than he had before.

 

Welcome to the world of divorce. Welcome to the world of accepting that all children have an equal right to access to their parents. Welcome to a world where you can't pretend children don't exist to make your marital reconciliation easier.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Everyone's priority is THEIR OWN child.

 

Remember that there are people who insist on NC with the child /mother in order to reconcile. Sometimes the cheating husband wants nothing to do with them. His only obligation is child support and no court can force a relationshipwith the child.

 

Bottom line - if you have sex with a married man and get pregnant, you should take full responsibility for what happens after that . It takes two to tango, but any sensible woman knows shes left holding the baby.

 

Why bring a child into this world in such a tainted manner. Yes, it's unfair to the child, but as the BW, it's not on the OP.

 

It's bad enough getting cheated on, then finding out there is an OC, then on top of all that the BW should be ever so nice and tell her son about his dad's lovechild. ...? Seriously!

 

Yes seriously. When you take your cheating spouse back, you take their child with them. You can't compartmentalize what part of the marriage you want to take back and which part you don't. You can't pretend the affair didn't happen and the kid didn't either.

 

You need to check yourself and what you're saying here... That it's OK for fathers to walk out, abandon kids, and treat them like disgusting secrets because you don't want to deal with them. This is child that he should be responsible for and you too. You can ditch the OW but you can't ditch the child. Saying 'Hey, it's life, men leave and the women are left holding the baby" is not only a horrible thing to say that basically condones child abandonment, it means you've got no leg to stand on when he does the same to you and your child.

 

This is like a screwed up Dr. Seuss book. "My child has the star on his belly making him the special child who deserves anything and everything... That bas**** child he had with the OW has no star upon his belly and needs to just go away."

[Wondering33]

i think we can all agree on that -- your mistake is that you somehow seem to think that the OP is doing wrong & punishing this other child... she isn't because the other child is none of her business. the OP owes nothing to this other child and this other child is not her family. they're siblings -- so what? that doesn't make them a family. you want this other kid to be the OP's worry so bad and it just doesn't make any sense.

 

 

 

the biggest problem aren't the pictures on FB -- the biggest problem is a child learning about his sibling THROUGH Facebook and that is SOLELY the father's fault.

 

why would she tell her son that he has a sibling? that ain't her business, she has only one child to take care of. why is that so unbelievably hard for you to understand?

 

 

 

yeah, she was. and? i already explained it to you why telling a lie to a preschool kid WASN'T such a bad idea.

 

 

 

what on Earth are you talking about...? did you even read the OP's first post...? there are no 3 siblings, there is only TWO siblings and the father didn't do it again. go back and read the post -- with comprehension this time.

 

you keep projecting your own feelings onto this entire story and you don't even have the facts right.

 

the OP handled it VERY WELL. she took care of her own kid and that is the only thing that matters. sure, this other child shouldn't be treated like a 2nd class citizen -- but you still didn't explain how is that any of the OP's worry. like, it is not on the OP to make sure that this other child is well. at all.

 

you talk about adults in this situation not putting their kids 1st... the OP is MOST DEFINITELY putting HER child 1st. the other kid? why should she put the other kid first...? that kid means nothing to her. that kid is relevant to her as much as i'm relevant to Angelina Jolie.

 

so stop trying to make the OP feel bad because she didn't take care of this other child -- this other child is his or hers parent's responsibility -- the father + the OW. the OP has nothing to do with it.

 

if you have a baby with someone attached, be prepared for the consequences. following your logic, it is the OW's fault that her kid is being treated like a 2nd class citizen because she didn't judge her lover's character right. yet somehow, you keep putting it all on the OP -- sorry, not gonna work.

 

No you keep protecting yours!!! Saying you know all these men that don't take care of the kids they didn't want & the women they're with are fine with that. That's personal feelings. All I read is there are 2 OW & one of them shouldn't posting pics of their child bc this one's child doesnt know about the "other" child that his mother knew about & was fine with her husband ignoring that child for her & her child...& now that lie blew up in her face & she's not taking any responsibility to her own part of it.

 

It takes 2 to have sex & have a baby!!! I don't care of you are an OW...the man is ultimately responsible in any situation to be there once he makes a baby. It would make me physically ill to have sex with a man I knew was a dead beat dad to anyone! If I forgive an affair damn right I'm going to make sure my child knows their sibling...you know why? Bc it THEIR sibling, that's why you tell your kid... It's their sibling & when they do find out you knew as a mother you're just as guilty & a liar in their eyes.

 

Evidently you think it's ok to lie to kids minimariah & not take responsibility for it as a mother. Once you know a lie that effects your kid & you condone it...you can't!... just not take your part of the responsibility of your child finding out on social media.That's why you don't go along with the lie. But since your in the mental health field you should know about personal responsibility in all situations.

 

You know what's ironic. Reading some of these comments I see... It's more ok for a woman to be upset about husband having an A then to know that her husband has thrown away a child & is a dead beat. That's just a disgusting logic in IMO...I don't care if it's an A or before we met...I could never so much as kiss a man that's a dead beat dad in any situation.Kids are innocent & anyone that makes an excuse for a man or another woman to go along with ignoring any child is just not ok. You can defend it a you want but if it was the right decision, then this post wouldn't have been written.

 

im not attacking her, all I'm saying is whenever you go along with & being ok with a kid not being respected...it comes back to you or your child & that's what's happening.

Edited June 4, 2015 by Wondering33

[autumnnight]

Quick question: If it is not okay for a WS to lie to/deceive a BS, then how is it okay for a parent to lie to/deceive their child?

 

I'm a little confused as to the rules of this moral relativity.....

[Sub]

Quick question: If it is not okay for a WS to lie to/deceive a BS, then how is it okay for a parent to lie to/deceive their child?

 

I'm a little confused as to the rules of this moral relativity.....

 

I'm sorry. Comparing how an adult doesn't tell another adult that they're cheating on them to an adult not telling a 5-year old that his father has another child via an A is an astronomical leap, IMO. Debate whether or not she should have told the kid. That's fine. Please don't bring "moral relativity" into a situation like this. It's just absurd.

[autumnnight]

I'm sorry. Comparing how an adult doesn't tell another adult that they're cheating on them to an adult not telling a 5-year old that his father has another child via an A is an astronomical leap, IMO. Debate whether or not she should have told the kid. That's fine. Please don't bring "moral relativity" into a situation like this. It's just absurd.

 

I did not realize the child who had been lied to was only 5. 5 is a bit young to comprehend all of that. I am surprised that a 5 year old has a FB page. I thought the minimum age was 13......

[Sub]

I did not realize the child who had been lied to was only 5. 5 is a bit young to comprehend all of that. I am surprised that a 5 year old has a FB page. I thought the minimum age was 13......

 

It's explained earlier in the thread. And I don't think he's 5 now. (Maybe 8?) But I gather that the WH had the other child at least a few years ago.

[sandylee1]

Yes seriously. When you take your cheating spouse back, you take their child with them.

 

I DISAGREE.

 

You can't compartmentalize what part of the marriage you want to take back and which part you don't. You can't pretend the affair didn't happen and the kid didn't either.

 

NOT PRETENDING, BUT IF I CHOOSE TO IGNORE, I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO.

 

You need to check yourself and what you're saying here... That it's OK for fathers to walk out, abandon kids, and treat them like disgusting secrets because you don't want to deal with them. This is child that he should be responsible for and you too.

 

I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR A LOVE CHILD. THAT'S ON THE MOTHER. THE FINANCIAL PART IS ON THE FATHER. YOU SLEEP WITH AND GET PREGNANT BY A MARRIED MAN, YOU DEAL WITH IT.

 

You can ditch the OW but you can't ditch the child. Saying 'Hey, it's life, men leave and the women are left holding the baby" is not only a horrible thing to say that basically condones child abandonment, it means you've got no leg to stand on when he does the same to you and your child.

 

A CHILD CONCEIVED IN MARRIAGE IS LEGITIMATE . THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO AFFAIRS AND HAVING YOUR CHILD IGNORED BY THE FATHER COULD BE ONE OF THEM.

 

IS IT RIGHT? NO

IS AN AFFAIR RIGHT? NO

WAS THE BW INNOCENT WHILE THE AFFAIR WENT ON? YES

 

IF YOU LAY DOWN WITH A MM , YOU GET WHAT COMES WITH IT.

 

This is like a screwed up Dr. Seuss book. "My child has the star on his belly making him the special child who deserves anything and everything... That bas**** child he had with the OW has no star upon his belly and needs to just go away."

 

Sorry, my responses are in caps I'm not shouting, I can't make the text bold on my device.

 

A LESSON TO THE OW. Don't s**** with another woman's husband, who will throw you under the bus on dday, child or no child.

 

The fact is, if my own daughter had an affair with a MM, I would tell her it's all her fault and she was very foolish. A useless single man can abandon his child, but a MM will likely not want anything to do with you or the child.

 

The person who goes through the pregnancy and bares all the physical signs of having a child on her body, better take this more seriously than the man. Who decides on a termination? The mother, because a baby impacts the mother more.

 

If your actions jeopardise your child having their father in their life because you couldn't resist a MM, you only have yourself to blame.

I wouldn't mince my words in saying this to my daughter if she was an OW who got pregnant.

 

Just like all the cheaters and APs say it's not against the law to cheat, it's not against the law to not want anything to do with an affair child, as long as child support is paid.

 

It's a shame a child is brought into this mess, for me personally a child outside the marriage would be a definite dealbreaker, so even less reason for me to have to deal with it.

 

If the WH wants the children to have a relationship, I would NEVER get in the way of that, but as the BW , I'm not about to play happy families with a love child.

[sandylee1]

It would really help if posters read the whole thread , because your saying things that have been addressed.

 

- The child knows of the half sibling now. The OP told him.

- The OP is no longer with her WH

- The mother of the other child isn't the one who posted the pictures on FB

it's only the messenger app the child uses on FB

- The OP wasn't refusing to acknowledge the child, her H didn't want their son to know

 

I have to reiterate the OP did NOTHING wrong as far as this affair child is concerned.

[Redheaded Mistress]

es seriously. When you take your cheating spouse back, you take their child with them.

 

I DISAGREE.

 

Then you condone a child not having a parent and essentially being abandoned because said parent's wife doesn't feel like dealing with him or her?

 

Then you can't be upset if he's not spending time with this child post-divorce if the new wife/girlfriend says she's just not into wanting to deal with the child.

 

Personally, I think that if a woman told her husband/boyfriend that she wanted him but not the kids, so he needs to abandon the kids, people would revolt. As a stepmother, if I told my husband that I didn't feel like his kids were "my issue," and condoned his abandoning them or encouraged him to do so or supported him in doing so, I'd be a witch and my husband would be labeled a deadbeat. Even now, this guy didn't talk to this kid for years and didn't acknowledge the child and people are more upset that he's not spending time with child produced in the marriage. There's something wrong with that.

 

NOT PRETENDING, BUT IF I CHOOSE TO IGNORE, I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO.

 

Sure, I have a right to ignore my stepkids. That would make me morally repugnant, but I can do it. It also means that a core foundation of our relationship is built on just ignoring things we don't want to deal with, which isn't healthy and, in the case of the kids, may not even be legal.

 

I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR A LOVE CHILD. THAT'S ON THE MOTHER. THE FINANCIAL PART IS ON THE FATHER. YOU SLEEP WITH AND GET PREGNANT BY A MARRIED MAN, YOU DEAL WITH IT.

 

And if you're the married man who does it, be prepared to open your wallet and if you're the woman who takes him back, be prepared to watch your money go out the door. Your family most certainly does have financial responsibility to that child and can't simply say "he was married, you and your illegitimate child get nothing, get over it you wh****." Not only isn't that legal, that is cruel to the hapless child who did absolutely nothing wrong but be born in a crummy situation.

 

Yeah, the other woman has to deal with the circumstances, but so does the father who created the child, and the wife who chooses to take him back knowing he fathered a child elsewhere. Just like any stepparent, you can't stuff your hands in your ears and not acknowledge the child's existence and say you want nothing to do with it.

 

Like I said, this guys now girlfriend is doing exactly this (according to the OP) to the OP's child and nobody has anything nice to say about her for it. That street goes two ways.

 

A CHILD CONCEIVED IN MARRIAGE IS LEGITIMATE . THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO AFFAIRS AND HAVING YOUR CHILD IGNORED BY THE FATHER COULD BE ONE OF THEM.

 

This isn't the 1800s where we throw around labels like "legitimate" and "illegitimate" and flush the illegitimate children to the streets. Morally, this child is as much his child as the child conceived in marriage and the father has every bit as responsibility to both. Legally, the child is due child support, coverage under insurance if she needs it, and if he dies, is entitled to a share of what his father leaves behind.

 

Ignoring the child and condoning your spouse in ignoring the child, sure you can do it, but it's morally reprehensible on both your parts. And it means you shouldn't be shocked when he does the same thing to your previously "legitimate child."

 

IS IT RIGHT? NO

IS AN AFFAIR RIGHT? NO

WAS THE BW INNOCENT WHILE THE AFFAIR WENT ON? YES

 

IF YOU LAY DOWN WITH A MM , YOU GET WHAT COMES WITH IT.

 

And here we have the crux of the problem. The affair was wrong, the husband was wrong, the OW was wrong, the poor BS did nothing and is entirely innocent and thus everything from then on in righting the situation should cater to what a BW wants to deal with and doesn't want to deal with... Even if it means abandoning a child and using that child as a weapon against the OW.

 

You know who's more innocent than the BW?

 

The child.

 

The child did absolutely nothing wrong, despite the behavior of the OW and husband. As such, he's not now another party to punish by the scorned wife. A child was created, the OW and husband owe the child something and by virtue of the fact the BS stayed with him means that she too had an obligation to the child, just like I as a stepmother have an obligation to my husband's children, or if not the children, at the very least to my husband in stepping up to do the right thing by the child.

 

And I get that life sucks when you have to take somebody else into account in your marriage. But when you take on somebody with kids with somebody else, that's what you do. I feel like there's this distinction between the "legitimate child" and the other child by the OP by virtue of the fact that she was there first and married to the guy. That's just not how it works though.

 

Sorry, my responses are in caps I'm not shouting, I can't make the text bold on my device.

 

No worries, I got what you were doing.

 

A LESSON TO THE OW. Don't s**** with another woman's husband, who will throw you under the bus on dday, child or no child.

 

Teaching people that it's OK to abandon children if you don't like the circumstances behind their conception means that the child is punished, the cheater can avoid accountability, and the woman who stays with him in those circumstances can just ignore it all and expect that the marriage will be healthy. That's not how this works.

 

It's not OK to abandon your children. Period. It's not Ok to be the person who's allowing your spouse to abandon their children. Period.

 

The fact is, if my own daughter had an affair with a MM, I would tell her it's all her fault and she was very foolish. A useless single man can abandon his child, but a MM will likely not want anything to do with you or the child.

 

I personally find it horrifying you'd tell anybody that an abandoned child because of the complications surrounding their conception is totally Ok and part of the process. I just am not at all used to this idea that parents can walk way from kids and that's fine and socially acceptable.

 

If it were my daughter, I'd say that she wasn't particularly smart about how she got pregnant, but I get that she probably fell into the same allure and passion and false promises that most OW's get caught up in. Then I'd march her pregnant butt to court and tell her that she needs to now think of the child. Her reputation, his reputation, his other family, her plans... It's all about to change. She needs to lock down medical expenses, insurance for the baby, and child support because, however dumb she was or wasn't, they both now have a child they owe it to take care of. If his wife has an issue with it, she can suck it right on up because I'll see to it that both my daughter and he give my future grandchild all that it deserves and not an ounce left.

 

And when she cries her eyes out when her newborn is shuttled back and forth from her house to her former AP's house and is cared for by the woman they both scorned, I'll say "and that's the price you pay. Welcome to your future."

 

Just like all the cheaters and APs say it's not against the law to cheat, it's not against the law to not want anything to do with an affair child, as long as child support is paid.

 

It depends on where you are. I can tell you that in our state, when you're paying child support, unless you've signed your rights away (and thus aren't probably paying support anymore), you've got to work out custody and everybody gets something. If you want nothing to do with the child, fine, but both parties have to agree that one party will be perpetually absent. If they didn't, then they've got to work it out, even if that means grandparents are taking custody during time that would be the child support payee's time.

 

It's a shame a child is brought into this mess, for me personally a child outside the marriage would be a definite dealbreaker, so even less reason for me to have to deal with it.

 

If the WH wants the children to have a relationship, I would NEVER get in the way of that, but as the BW , I'm not about to play happy families with a love child.

 

If you're the BW who takes the guy back, you've got to suck it up. It's not about you and your hurt feelings, your damaged pride, or what makes you comfortable. It's about what's best for the kids. What's best for the kids is a relationship with both households. Just like I can't say I want nothing to do with my husband's kids, you can't say as a BW that you want nothing to do with the child he had during the affair. You take him and the whole package back, not the parts of the package that are easiest to deal with.

[Noirek]

Sorry, my responses are in caps I'm not shouting, I can't make the text bold on my device.

 

A LESSON TO THE OW. Don't s**** with another woman's husband, who will throw you under the bus on dday, child or no child.

 

The fact is, if my own daughter had an affair with a MM, I would tell her it's all her fault and she was very foolish. A useless single man can abandon his child, but a MM will likely not want anything to do with you or the child.

 

The person who goes through the pregnancy and bares all the physical signs of having a child on her body, better take this more seriously than the man. Who decides on a termination? The mother, because a baby impacts the mother more.

 

If your actions jeopardise your child having their father in their life because you couldn't resist a MM, you only have yourself to blame.

I wouldn't mince my words in saying this to my daughter if she was an OW who got pregnant.

 

Just like all the cheaters and APs say it's not against the law to cheat, it's not against the law to not want anything to do with an affair child, as long as child support is paid.

 

It's a shame a child is brought into this mess, for me personally a child outside the marriage would be a definite dealbreaker, so even less reason for me to have to deal with it.

 

If the WH wants the children to have a relationship, I would NEVER get in the way of that, but as the BW , I'm not about to play happy families with a love child.

 

How sad to think this way about a little innocent human being just because of hatred to the mother.