Tell the children they have siblings from affair?

[sandylee1]

 

He had the option to tell Raena he wasn't going to accept that, but he didn't and now blames her.

 

I don't recall the OP'S husband blaming her.

[violet1]

I don't recall the OP'S husband blaming her.

I thought she mentioned that he blamed her for him not having a relationship with the other child in another thread. I could be wrong. I'll have to go back and read her older posts.

[sandylee1]

I thought she mentioned that he blamed her for him not having a relationship with the other child in another thread. I could be wrong. I'll have to go back and read her older posts.

 

I hadn't read other threads but he has treated her awfully from a couple of threads I just read and he only has himself to blame.

 

Raena seems to have been way too tolerant but has handled this half sibling situation very well.

[Lula Belle]

Thank you for all of the genuine responses to this difficult situation I'm dealing with. I do appreciate it and yet I'm still torn as to whether or not I should say anything more. I think I'll wait a little longer and see how he handles things. He didn't ask much other than "who is that boy" but he's a thinker and a dweller. If it's bothering him, he'll come back and ask more about it. Right now he may not have much of a reaction to it because I didn't have much of a reaction to it in front of him.

 

As for those of you who commented about him having a fb account.. his father actually created the account in his name when he was still a baby. We both used it for fb games and it went unused until a few months ago. At this point he's only friends with his aunt, 3 of my friends and his father. Normally he only uses the messenger app on his tablet to chat with all 4 of them. It's a great way for him to practice his writing, typing and communication skills and he can call them directly through it too. He doesn't have access to the actual fb application on his tablet and wouldn't have seen anything she posted had I not logged into the account with him near me on my computer. I told him that I was logging in to check his messages because he knows that was part of the deal when I let him use it. It really isn't as big a deal that he's on fb as some have made it out to be. He doesn't post anything and doesn't usually get to see the feed of what other's post either.

 

I, myself, was adopted and wasn't told until I was 13. It made me angry, very angry, that she hadn't told me beforehand and let me believe she was my biological mother all that time. That makes me think that I should let him know now rather than later. But at the same time, he's dealing with a great deal of loss already. I don't want to make it worse. Until recently, his father didn't want him to know anything about this other child. Now all of a sudden he acts like I should tell him like it's no big deal. It kind of IS a big deal to my son. I can't imagine how he'll feel about this. He already knows his father has another child... an older brother that he's met many times, but he doesn't know about the younger one. I'm kind of feeling like it would be best to wait a bit. Maybe even better to wait until the day when he'll be able to see his father again and will have to meet this other child. I don't know, that could be a long ways off though.

 

One more thing... someone commented that his father has the right to acknowledge both of his children in whatever way he chooses... I agree, to a point. His father isn't the one who posts these kinds of pictures... the ow/gf is the one who does it and I know for a fact that she does this kind of stuff to piss me off or to hurt me or to hurt my child. It isn't the first time she's done it, it's just the first time my son actually saw it. Lord knows why she hates ME so much... I wasn't the one sleeping with her man for a year and a half. I've written pages and pages about how she has behaved in all of this. She's a nutcase and completely ridiculous to think that she just innocently posted these pics. She did it on purpose, I know she did. In addition... his father isn't posting pictures of our child with him. Even when he did have him for visitation he never posted pics of them having fun together. Only this other child and only by the ow/gf. She's doing it for a reason and based on what I know about the entire situation... she's doing it to hurt me, to hurt my child, to piss off the mother of the other child. She does stupid stuff like this regularly and seems to really enjoy drama.

 

Raena, I remember your story. Your ex was a total asshat. The way he has continued to behave is disgusting, I am so sorry for both you and your son. And this is something that will impact him.

 

From my own experience, be honest with your son...tell him the basic facts about why daddy left and who the boy is.

 

My experience: I had a child when I was 17 with a man that I lived with (in his mothers house ?) who I now, and have for years, referred to as a sperm donor. He was a serial cheater, and his family covered for him. He got another girl pregnant while I was pregnant, and though I knew he had 2 children (other than mine and the other girls (she was 15) pregnancies) I later found out about 3 others. I will point out that he was 25 and all of his babies mothers were teenagers, ranging from 14 -17. ? He was a smooth talking predator of teen girls. It disgusts me to think back on it.

 

Anyways, after finding out he cheated on me while I was pregnant, I ended the relationship and moved back with my mom hundreds of miles away. I refused to get back with him, so he basically disappeared.

 

The night I gave birth I called to let him know. He hung up on me. He didn't come to see his daughter until she was 3 months old.

 

I tried to keep in touch with the family so she would have the opportunity to know them. He continued to have limited contact with her, and would always try to get me back in his bed. His family got mad at me for filing for child support. He was doing nothing to help. I was a teen single mom and he a deadbeat dad and practically a pedophile yet I was wrong for going to court. Please!!!! ?

 

So I distanced myself from them, thinking that they would make arrangements to see this precious baby. Didn't happen.

 

When my daughter was around 6 years old, he got in contact with me and wanted to see her. I agreed and he began picking her up every other weekend to spend time with her. She would come home upset, and tell me that he would drop her off at other family members homes and barely even spent actual time with her. Also there were several instances where he would make plans and simply not show up. It was very hard on my child.

 

She was and is a very smart kid. So I gently (and age appropriately) told her the truth. I also explained that it is OK to feel how she was feeling about it...both mad and sad. I told her that I would not make her go with him if she didn't want to, but that anytime she wanted to see him I would do my best to arrange it. And I honored my word. I had a conversation with him and explained that he needed to spend more time with her, that him picking her up just to drop her off with his mom or sister was hurting her feelings. He disappeared after that.

 

She didn't want to get in contact with him again until she was 13, and that was only so she could get in contact with her sister...but I didn't tell him that. During all those years, he never, not once, tried to see her. But he continued to have babies with many more women (girls, actually...still all were teen mothers...) He had 8 active child support cases and several more children where the moms didn't go after child support. And he was absent from most of their lives. Sick bastard...poor children. ?

 

Years go by and my beautiful baby is now 20 years old. Now he has been trying to get in contact with her to establish a relationship with her since she turned 18...and he lied and made up this story about how I kept her away from him.

 

Because I was honest with her and encouraged open dialogue over the years she knew right away that he was lying. She has told me many times how much she appreciated me being honest with her about the whole mess (age appropriate and not bad mouthing him) Just imagine how that would of upset her if I hadnt been open with her?!? That would have been so hard for her. As it was , I encouraged her to talk to our close friends and family and I instructed them to be honest with her as well so she could get other views from those who saw everything.

 

She has now gotten in touch with many of the siblings she has that she has been able to find...and is demanding truth from the donor.

 

I will never regret being open and honest with my child. Your ex is a coward, who seems like he is weak minded and lacks self control. By being open and honest with your son now, you can potentially save him from damage down the road.

 

Sending positive vibes your way Raena. Sorry you are still dealing with this schmuck.

[Lula Belle]

Its about seeing someone's character. If a person treats one child like crap...a part of them. Where would one think they wouldn't do it to another one of their kids? So it's ok to enable (man or woman) to treat part of their blood like that & own no responsibility that you also put your own child in that situation? I'm not saying worry about the other child, I'm saying putting your own child in the situation to trust a person you knew that has shown to be untrust worthy. She was out for her own (which is fine) but now is upset that OP is posting pics of "her" child. Can't be out for your own & mad when another woman is doing the same.

 

This may have been clarified for you already, but if not, the child is from a different ow, not the current gf who is the one posting the pictures...read raenas past threads...her ex and the ow now gf are both messy. Very sad situation .

[Lula Belle]

BTW- yes a mother can post pics of her child to the father's page at anytime she wants! & you say she should protect her child but then say it's was only the responsibility of the father to tell her child that they have a sibling. You're not making any sense at all.

 

It wasn't the mother of the other child who posted the pics. Please go back and read raenas posts. You really need to know the whole story. Judging someone as you are without knowing the details is just in poor taste.

[Lula Belle]

For all we know the father didn't tell his son because he thought the OP wanted to keep it secret and the girlfriend didn't know that a child that this guy is meeting publicly, introducing to her, and getting pictures with was a big secret to his ex and his other child. I mean, turning it over, if it were me I'd think if my kids are meeting this child and he's openly meeting this child, this isn't some secret that needs to be hidden. Heck, if its his child, regardless of how the child was conceived, the poor kid shouldn't be stuffed aside like he doesn't exist. He's not a bad prom photo, he's a child. In these situations, the kids just have to come first.

 

 

 

I honestly don't see what was done to hurt the child to get at the mother. I see a lot of raw nerves and questionable boundaries and almost no post-divorce structure in terms of the kids and communication...

 

But his girlfriend posting a picture with an innocuous caption to his Facebook of a child that is his... I don't see why that would hurt the OP in the slightest. She knows the child exists, has known for years and years, so why would acknowledging that fact hurt her? And I agree, it would hurt their son to find it out, but any hurt it has on their mutual child is the fallout of the mutual deception by both parents who pretended the child doesn't exist in relation to what was defined as the "core family." That's both of their faults for not coming clean.

 

I get sweeping an affair under the rug, but when a child results, that means taking your husband back plus bringing aboard his child and integrating him into your life. You can't sweep under circumstances like that. The fact that he walked away from a child, and she was OK with pretending the child didn't exist too... That means the conversation that was had with the child and his reaction falls on both the parents.

 

I suggest you go back and read raenas posts from the beginning. You are making a rather harsh judgment without know the full story. This gf is a nutcase and her ex bf is an ass. Until you read it, you may want to consider refraining from making such harsh conclusions about op.

[minimariah]

He has three children...

 

no... no he hasn't.

 

This man had three relationships - some of them synchronous with other relationships - that resulted in three children being conceived.

 

no, he didn't.

 

If you lie to your child - directly, or by omission, about their having a sibling, and they later find out about the lie, you share the guilt.

 

no, you don't.

 

If you are happy - or even insist, according to an earlier thread...

 

i just went through her earlier topics and found this to NOT be true.

also, it's interesting how you picked "babydaddy" over words partner OR boyfriend. ever heard of a common law marriage...? no...? okay.

 

Facebook policies for account creation (apparently now 13, rather than 18) exist for a reason. A parent would have to enable a child to lie to bypass that requirement.

 

you can open an account on your own mail & data so it's not a lie.

 

So, Raena and her child's father are jointly and severally responsible for any hurt...

 

no, they aren't.

 

I pity *all* of the children.

 

even that imaginary 3rd child you made up...? that is so nice of you.

[sandylee1]

Actually I believe there is a third child (a son ) but he is older than Raena's son and not part of any infidelity. I read this on another of Raena's threads

[minimariah]

OH.

 

in that case... i will take the L and apologize to Coco.

[Raena]

I thought she mentioned that he blamed her for him not having a relationship with the other child in another thread. I could be wrong. I'll have to go back and read her older posts.

 

He didn't outright blame me for it, but after we split he made a point of telling me that NOW he was going to go see his other child as a way of hurting me I suppose. My response to him at the time was "good, I'm glad you are". He did go see him.... once... it wasn't until a year later that he moved there and the reason why had nothing to do with that child. It didn't hurt me that he went to see the other boy, but he knew that I didn't want to be involved and I suppose he blamed me for it as time went on. The irony is that when we got back together, I told him I didn't want to be part of the reason for why he wasn't being a father to that child. He insisted that the mother of the other child didn't want him around and that she was marrying someone who wanted to raise the child as his own. He insisted that it wasn't my issue to deal with and that he and the mother had already made a decision about how to handle it. I didn't like it, but that wasn't my decision to make. Years later when he finally does decide to go see the child its suddenly MY fault. I guess he conveniently forgot what he told me over and over again when we got back together. That's what he does though..... blames everyone but himself for his choices.

[Raena]

I thank the few of you who actually know my story and understand why things have happened the way they have. Especially you Minimariah... your responses all along here were pretty much exactly what I would have said.

 

Do I take blame for my exes choices? No, I absolutely do NOT. The only thing I take blame for is listening to a lying cheat when he told me he was never going to do those sorts of things again... and I did so because of what he told me at the time and because I still loved him despite all of the horrid things he had done... and because we had a child together. He explained it all away with his addiction to alcohol and drugs and that he had stopped doing those things. He did stop and for a few years, things were pretty good between us. We reconnected, there was no drama, life was pretty good. But then he cheated again... and his reasons for it make no sense whatsoever. He's acted like a complete ass throughout all of this... from beginning to end.

 

As for the comments about facebook... I've said it before and I'll say it again. My son does NOT use facebook. I do. I own the account now, his father put his name on it, I know the password, my ex knows the password... my son does not. He has access to the messenger app and that's it... and I monitor that very closely. So what does it matter about the age policy on facebook? It really doesn't... he could just as easily use other messenger apps (and email) and he does... this is the one his father prefers to use with him and that's why his father was added in the first place. Otherwise he would only chat with a couple of my friends and his aunt. So let's leave the facebook rant alone please... there really isn't an issue with him using it the way I have it set up. The only issue is that I didn't make sure to hide his fathers feed from showing up when I log in. Honestly, I assumed he'd be careful about this situation because he knew our son didn't know. That's what I get for assuming.

 

Also... the fact is, the other child doesn't even know that my ex was/is his father. Just a few months ago my ex told me he still hadn't told him, that as far as he knows, my ex is just a friend of his mother's or a babysitter. They are taking their time in telling him for their own reasons... I'm assuming it's because the mother is aware that my ex may not stick around for long and doesn't want to hurt her son any further? I don't know though really. She isn't making good choices right now either. I heard she got a DWI while driving with her 3 kids (by 3 different fathers) and that she might lose custody of them. This is why I was even further confused as to why the current gf made that particular post on fb when she knew there was a possibility that my child might see it and that the child in question doesn't even know it yet. She isn't aware that my son doesn't use fb the way most people do either. She's just an idiot honestly. It wasn't her place to do what she did and she's been made aware of that since.

 

Just as an update... my ex took the picture down or hid it from his timeline for now... he also unfriended his gf on fb and told me that he had told her not to post that kind of stuff but she did it anyway and that's why he unfriended her. She can't seem to control herself and continuously does things to try and hurt me. I think it's sick that she's using someone elses child to try and hurt me or my child. It's just craziness but I suspect she has some mental health issues. But... I also suspect that my ex was well aware of what she was doing and condoned it... and then uses her as a scapegoat to blame it all on her. He's much more manipulative than I could ever explain to anyone on here clearly enough for you all to understand. Part of me believes that he told her to do it and then turned around and pretended like he had no idea she was going to do it. He's done it multiple times since he and I split. He's made that girl the crazy that she is about me with his lies about the situation. She has her own choices in how she handles it too, but I'm pretty sure she's making her decisions based on the things my ex tells her just like I did earlier on. I don't like her, but part of me feels sorry for her because she has no idea that the real issue is the man she's with. She's living with a snake who will throw her to the wolves every chance he gets if it suits him and she doesn't see it.

 

Anyhow... my point is.... it is NOT my fault my son didn't know the truth. He wasn't supposed to know the truth based on the choices his father and the mother of the other child made... and in fact... the other child still doesn't know the whole truth yet. What was I supposed to do... tell my son about a sibling that his father hadn't even acknowledged himself while he and I were together? When was I supposed to do that? At what age? He's only 8 now.. Never mind the fact that it WAS NOT MY PLACE to tell him... that was his father's business, not mine. Anyone who tries to blame me for it obviously can't see the truth about the situation even though I've explained it all very clearly on here.

[Raena]

Actually I believe there is a third child (a son ) but he is older than Raena's son and not part of any infidelity. I read this on another of Raena's threads

 

Yes there is a 3rd child, an older sibling who is 19. He's from my exes former marriage and wasn't born illegitimately as someone else made a point of saying, they got married while she was pregnant. What a horrible thing to say too... my son is illegitimate. Wow. Like it would have been a great idea for me to marry my son's father given the circumstances.

 

I should also note that this oldest child found out about this 3rd child from the picture as well. He is also friends with his father on fb and saw it... on his birthday no less. The oldest child's mother knew about this other boy too and didn't tell her son either... so is she also to blame?

[Raena]

I suggest you go back and read raenas posts from the beginning. You are making a rather harsh judgment without know the full story. This gf is a nutcase and her ex bf is an ass. Until you read it, you may want to consider refraining from making such harsh conclusions about op.

 

Thank you for this Lula...

[Raena]

I hadn't read other threads but he has treated her awfully from a couple of threads I just read and he only has himself to blame.

 

Raena seems to have been way too tolerant but has handled this half sibling situation very well.

 

I was way too tolerant. You are right about that. I gave that man more chances to shape up and act like a man than any woman should ever give him. I look back at it all now and wonder to myself why in the world I ever put up with his bs in any way.

 

Thank you for the compliment. I did what I felt was best for my son. It's better for him to know now than to be taken by surprise about it later on. It was time to tell him. I always knew that he'd find out about it one day, I just hoped that it would be from his father sitting down and explaining it to him rather than him finding out through someone else or some other means.

 

I also think too that my perspective on all of this has changed the longer I'm away from him. I'm seeing it for what it was now, when I couldn't see it when I was in the middle of it. Couldn't see the forest for the trees so to speak.