He cheated... then lied... now wants to move in together.... ?!?!?!

[oceans23]

Ever feel like just when you feel like you've got your footing back.... it gets ripped right out from underneath you? My boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend at the moment, cheated on me about a year ago. I caught him red-handed.... no joke. After much begging and pleading on his part, I took him back after a brief breakup. The "other" woman never backed down. She had dated him before I did and I guess felt as though she had more of a right to him than I, since, in her own words "she had him first." I liken her to my dog during Thanksgiving dinner... sitting under the table just waiting to pounce on any scrap of food that may fall from the table. Most would say, big deal, he's the one with the obligation... blah blah. Only problem is that the boy is more or less a cream puff.... he is the text book middle child, the peace keeper. I've seen him been royally f'ed by other people and he rarely speaks up for himself. Just let it pass and everything will be fine. I've seen it, his family has seen it... it's just "the way he is." So when this girl doesn't stop calling him, he just goes along with it figuring nothing is really "going on" so what's the harm. As long as I don't find out (since he swore up and down she was history), it's all good. Well I found out and all hell broke loose. We've been broken up for three weeks now.... and he's singing the blues AGAIN. My head is telling me to RUN!! You don't need this garbage! Not to mention my friends and family are lined up to kick his ass. He and I have gone through alot of crap. Most of the time resulting in me breaking it off with him for a while and then him crawling back EVERY TIME. Apparently before I uncovered the latest bout of untrustworthiness, he was hoping to ask me to move in with him when my current lease is up. What the heck? If I know anything, it's that he doesn't take living with a girlfriend lightly. Not to mention, I've NEVER brought the topic up myself. I know most of the time it's the girl who pressures the guy into something like that. At this point in my life, it is something I would love to do. I'm tired of the crud and the games.... SO HELP..... what is a girl to do here???

[bicyclejunk]

run.

 

Stay away and get yourself Healthy. Seriously sit down and think about this:

There's too much Garbage to sift thru. AND.... he cheated on you.

That is not, i repeat, NOT cool. Mr Passive Agressive needs to be a Man.

Why would you settle for a BOY? he doesn't love you, if he can't stand up

for what he believes in and will let some other girl manipulate him.

 

If anyone cheats on you, and you take them back, it's like rewarding them

for a horrible deed. They got their Cake and their eating it too. They got to have

a wild "fling" and then they get to be back with you.

 

What a crock of s***. Don't fall for the dumb thoughts of, "Well, we do work well

together" or "He promised he wouldn't ever do it again" or "He says he doesn't love

her and was stupid".... If anyone cheats, DON'T TAKE THEM BACK, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

 

Let him sing the blues all he wants. But please don't take him back, move on. You'd be

making a big mistake, in my humble opinion.

 

Move On.

[Becki]

From my point of view, you should tell him that you've given him one too many chances (hey, one is too many, right!?!), he cant think he can cheat on you, and worm his way back in.

His ex never had a right to him, regardless of if she had him first or whatever. You should make sure they both know that.

I know you may want to move in with someone and settle down a bit, but i think you should wait, someone else is bound to come along!

[EnigmaXOXO]

My head is telling me to RUN!! You don't need this garbage!

 

Listen to your head. Don't let your heart short circuit your brain.

 

Not to mention my friends and family are lined up to kick his ass.

 

Listen to your friends and family. They have your best interests at heart even when you don't. It's easier to see a situation more clearly when your emotions aren't all tangled up in it. Infatuation tends to blur our own good judgment at times. It's nice that you have people around you who care enough to support you and yank you out of the fog.

 

Only problem is that the boy is more or less a cream puff.... he is the text book middle child, the peace keeper. I've seen him been royally f'ed by other people and he rarely speaks up for himself. Just let it pass and everything will be fine. I've seen it, his family has seen it... it's just "the way he is."

 

Already making excuses for him so that he doesn't have to be accountable? Or maybe it's just easier to imagine him a helpless victim and villainize the other woman because you're looking for reasons to dislike the competition? If his family is saying it's just "the way he is" then you better pay attention to that. If it bothers you now, just imagine how much of a problem it will become later when you discover you can't change that aspect of him.

 

I know most of the time it's the girl who pressures the guy into something like that.

 

Shouldn't matter. No such thing as "pressure" unless there's a gun pointed at his head. If it weren't this girl now, it would be someone else. During the course of your relationship there will be MANY girls approaching your boyfriend as well as guys approaching you. Some people will be relentless in their pursuit and won't care one way or the other if either of you are attached. Nothing to fear from the competition if you are confident that your partner respects you and your relationship enough to resist temptation. As a matter of fact, I think if your ex-boyfriend had shown some backbone and turned down this girl's advances instead of hiding things from you, you may have even felt flattered that another woman went for your man and got shot down.

 

Am I wrong?

 

I don't think the old girlfriend presents as much of a problem for you as your ex's history of being dishonest and evasive. Those aren't qualities that nurture trust and confidence between two people in a relationship. You'll have a hard time building any kind of solid foundation if the person you're counting on for support is spineless, wishy-washy, and can't be trusted to do the right thing unless you're there to kill off every smitten female he comes into contact with -- And unless he's fugly, you might be one busy lady!

[oceans23]

You're all right.... but how is after knowing that... I still listen to his crap... and wonder if there's anyway for it to really work... if maybe this time he's ready to get his act together... I know I'm torturing myself... and I wish I could be stronger... yet yesterday I spent half the day crying and making myself sick to my stomach thinking about it... any pearls of wisdom on how to muster the strength to rip this bandaid off once and for all?

[mutton]

You're still hung up on your feelings for him. But you have to realize that this is one guy that may never change. Think about all of the feelings that you've had when he cheated on you the first time and when he obviously lied to you the second time to help you remember why you broke up with him. If you continue on with him, the distrust that caused you to find out that he is still in contact with his ex will most likely be present in your mind for the rest of the time that you are with him. This is a guy that seems to have the word "pushover" written all over him. My question to you is that whether you like to be stuck in a relationship where you can never trust your SO? A relationship with a push-over man? Imagine if you were to marry this guy. Even to say that he has changed, you will never truly know if he'll go back to his original self after 5-10 years. To help illustrate the fact that his inherent "pushover" personality may never change without great difficulty, imagine if you had to take a major part of yourself and turn it a complete 180 degrees around.

 

Some people are born and raised into being a certain type of person. Sometimes, it is genetic such as those with anger management problems. Even to change, the person has to agree to change. The fact that his family accepts his personality shows that he has been that way for most his life. If it is the fact that his personality was part of the reason why he couldn't say "no" to his ex before sleeping with her shows that he has an apparent problem. A problem that may not go away when another woman comes into his life.

 

Cheating is a horrible thing to do to your SO. In most situations, the cheater will be very lucky to get back together with his/her ex. If he truly loves you, the fact that he did this to you with his ex should have probably registered in his mind that it is not only something to feel extremely guilty for but also a great mistake on his part. The guilt and the relief (of being partially forgiven enough to get back into a relationship with you) should have been motivational enough for him even as a "pushover" to cut all lines of communication with his ex. Imagine the amount of guilt that one should have after cheating on someone they love and imagine the fact that he should feel further guilty for lying to the "victim" that took him back. This guilt should have been enough for him to change, but he didn't. He continued to lie until you caught him. This shows that either he is unchangeable or he did not feel guilty enough in the first place to change because he does not care enough for the way you feel.

 

And as to offering you a place at his apartment, it does not show anything. Perhaps it is his way to keep you in the relationship especially since he knows that he is continuing to do you wrong. Also, he may have never thought about it until you found out about his latest mishap. This is reading from "his hoping to ask you" meaning he didnt tell you about it until you broke up with him the second time. This is probably all part of his persuasion to get back with you.

 

Now, how can a guy who can be persuasive enough for you take him back after he cheated on you be a total pushover? Especially since you are being persuaded again? A man with such a way of words show that perhaps he actually could have the power to say "adios" to his ex. Afterall, if you meant so much to him, he should have done so especially since he has nothing to be afraid of when it comes to telling his ex "no, and dont call me again." This means that he still may have feelings for her and does not care for you as much as you think. Just reason to yourself. He let his ex what she wanted (basically cheating on you and then letting her call) because he is such a pushover. Now, with you, he is not the "peacemaker" because you did not get what you want (which is him never talking to his again). Why is it that he seems to value the pressure from his ex more than the pressure exerted by you, someone who took him back and someone he supposedly loves.

 

Honey, a committed man will never do such crp to you. Even if he is weak personality wise, if he loves you, it should have been enough for him to change a little bit the first time. Afterall, how hard is it to say "no, dont call me"? It must have been harder for him to do that than standing against you when he lied straight through his teeth. He probably does not feel as guilty as he should feel then. I hope some stuff I wrote will convince you to let him go. Don't let yourself get stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a man that is unworthy of your feelings towards him. Many don't deserve a second and even third chance. Many men don't even get that. My advice to you is to look towards a relationship free of the excess emotional baggage. It may be hard imagining being with another man at this point, but perhaps it would help if you throw yourself out their (to a club, etc.) and socialize. See if someone else better will be interested in the position of boyfriend. Otherwise, just put your own health and happiness up front. Even if you hurt right now, you will get over it eventually. Compare that to the eternal unhappiness of being stuck to a guy with whom has been dishonest with you in the past and may be dishonest in the future. Remember, the ultimate goal of some relationships is the engagement ring, not a place to live. Living with a guy will not solve any problems whatsoever. His greatest devotion would have been to ask you to marry him and risk being almost indefinitely turned down. Weighing the relationship, you being with him seem to have more cons than pros so decide carefully what you want to do especially it is your life and happiness that you are dealing with.

[oceans23]

Thanks Mutton.... I printed out what you wrote and sat reading it with a highlighter. I took my highlighted bits and called the jerk to give him a piece my mind.... AGAIN. He's still begging and pleading more or less. Says he wants this to work out more than anything and would be willing to do anything, blah blah, but that I seem to have made up my mind. Sounds great right? Hooray for me... NO. I stupidly said I'd like to think a little bit more about things. Scaredy Cat. Eitherway, I have my highlighted printout with me. It has been some of the best advice I have received and I hope to use it to muscle my way over this hill. Maybe even tonight. I hope.

[scarlyjones]

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