Sally147 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Hello, I'm trying again because I lost this post the first time around. A friend of mine who lives in another state occasionally visits me. She only eats organic food, unlike my husband and I. She always needs to stop at the health food store before I drive her to our home. The first few times she visited, I purchased the organic food for her to eat during her stay since she won't eat what we serve. But the cost of the food was very expensive and more than our budget can handle, and eventually I told her she will need to purchase the organic food herself when she visits. That seemed to be okay with her and during her next visit, she purchased her own food but later she visited a different friend and emailed me saying that friend bought all her organic food and wasn't that gracious of her! I wondered why she felt a need to tell me and what motivated her to do so. I felt a bit weird. I didn't comment back about it. Maybe I'm being to sensitive or may be there was a message intended for me. I'd like to know how anyone else would handle this and if indeed, this friend was trying to tell me something. Sally Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 that is a pretty passive aggressive comment from your friend. I think you can go three different ways with this. 1. Completely ignore the comment. 2. Email back an equally snarky response. I am so glad XX has such a healthy budget that allows her to be so generous with you. 3. Just call her and have a clear conversation with her about it. I would love to buy you all organic food when you visit. However my budget doesn't allow it. As a friend I would hope you would be understanding about this. It is rude to compare me to another friend who has more economic means. Frankly I think your friend is being a jerk. While it is reasonable to provide some accommodations for visiting guests. demanding that you pay for all organic food is over the top. When my MIL visit I will buy lactaid as she is lactose intolerant and some of her favorite foods etc.. And I will provide vegetarian options but in reason. If she is insisting on all organic food she needs to buy it herself. I would never expect my hosts to cater to my own food issues. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 If a friend let me a note like that I think it would be awhile before they were invited back to house. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Response: "OMG, that was gracious of her! Especially with organic food prices, these days. And did you treat her and her husband to a fine dinner somewhere?" 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I agree with hotgurl. Personally, I would choose #3. It's always best to be straight up and honest and talk things out rather than let it fester indefinitely. It will certainly taint your relationship if left unresolved long enough. I have recently adopted a vegan lifestyle which makes me such a joy when it comes to eating out or visiting people anymore!! Having said that, I recognize that not everyone supports or understands my way of eating and that's very normal and even fine. The last thing I want is for my choices to affect my relationships in whatever ways which is why I tend to live by the 80/20 rule whenever I have to socialize outside the confines of my home and my kitchen; 80% vegan / 20% vegetarian. Being vegetarian is a much more accepted way of eating and many restaurants nowadays have wonderful vegetarian options on their menus. It's also something most non-vegetarians can wrap their heads around compared to veganism. I get it that people believe what they believe and do what they do for the reasons they have BUT I also think these people (myself included) need to practice the same kind of understanding they expect from the people around them and find a happy compromise. Just my two cents Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 You're under no obligation to conform to her food preferences. If she wants to, she can offer to take you all out and pay for it to an organize restaurant if she can find one. How about you let them eat out next time and tell them that ahead of time. Or maybe compromise on something less expensive and say, Hey, I'm planning on cooking organic breakfast but you're on your own after that. Then get organic cage free veg-fed eggs and whip up an egg and cheese omelet. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 That was rather rude of her but perhaps she didn't realize how it came off. I'd probably say something to her and tell her that it made you uncomfortable. No need to have a friendship ruined (at this point) over an unwise or unconscious comment. We all make mistakes. I'm vegan but it's much easier for hosts to accommodate that as I like simple foods, most people have a large variety of vegan foods in their homes, and I can take care of my own needs well. I wouldn't make the comparison and cause my host to feel bad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Tell her she's being douchy for comparing you to her other friends. She should feel lucky that you are able to give her fridge & freezer space. I eat a vegan diet, but I'd never expect my friends to change their eating habits to accommodate my non mainstream ones. All I ask for is normal respect for my personal food choice. I'm happy to buy my own vegan burgers & make a killer salad for a BBQ I'm invited to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I cook for a diabetic who has been vegan in the past and is into organic foods, but she just doesn't expect that when she's at someone else's house. In fact, last year, we were taking turns cooking once a month and I asked her about making something she could eat and she said, no because she "saves up" and is extra good beforehand and then really enjoys getting off her usual fare for a day and eating not so healthy. My answer to someone that dictatorial would be to ask them if they're going to provide nonorganic food (or meat or whatever they're not eating) when they cook for me. Pretty sure they would think that was crazy, because they've decided what's best for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally147 Posted May 29, 2015 Author Share Posted May 29, 2015 Thanks for the posts and awesome advice. My friend can be a a bit manipulative and in the past I've bowed to most of her wishes and realize she has a way of asking for things without actually 'asking' and think this is one of those times. I am glad to hear other people do not expect a host to cater to all preferences when visiting their home. This is something I will talk to her about and hopefully the next time I hear a veiled manipulative request I can spot it immediately and respond. Sally147 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 You also bought the food the first time she came in, just like the other friend did.. With friends like her that create unneeded drama in your life you are better off without them unless they provide some friendship value that you desire. I'd talk with her about the comment, mention that you also bought her food before and let her know she is welcome in your home but with your budget you can't afford her food. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 The friend is being ridiculous. I eat local and organic too, but when you are a guest in someone's home, you eat what they eat, chemicals and all. It's not going to kill her to spend a day or 2 eating junk. That's extremely rude of her to even demand organic food. If she needs it (which i can understand if it's for more than 2 days), she can go get it or go with you next time you are going out and stop by for some while *she* pays. How she expects you to pay for her food at all is beyond me.... as is how she gets invited back to anyone's house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Unless you mistook her meaning, she's making a request in a really passive, silly way. Either way, ignoring the comment is fine. But if she repeats this kind of thing, you'll want to let her know that you don't really pick up on passive suggestions and if she wants something, then just to ask directly. Or you could convey: "I love that you take care of yourself and the earth, but I'm not going to buy your groceries. Don't be a big dork! Come visit, we'll have fun anyway." I read once that female friendships in American culture have these aspects to them, one aspect is "mirroring." That's where the woman is supposed to assimilate her friend's ways (like eating organic or wearing certain clothes or whatever) or else she is implicitly judging/criticizing/rejecting them. Could her comment be coming from there? If so, she just needs to (grow up and) be reassured that you'll be her friend even if you don't do things the same. But if it were me, I'd stop hanging out with her at all. I don't want to deal with people like that if I can help it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sally147 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 Our relationship has dwindled a bit, not just about the food thing but other stuff. I realized that it takes a lot of work to be friends with her and there is a sense of relief having less communication with her. If anything comes up in the future no matter what the subject I will speak up rather than wait and see what happens. I agree her actions were passive aggressive. Not a pretty picture! Salley Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Her email was definitely passive-aggressive and a bit snarky. My reply would have been “Yes, that was gracious of her.” Period.Based on what you’ve said about her, I’d evaluate the friendship and begin to pull back. I would not invite her to my home again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 OP, IMO this person isn't a friend, she's a free-loader. I would re-evaluate this "friendship" if I were you. PS. I am a strict veggie and no way would I expect my host to buy my soya milk, tofu etc. I would bring it with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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