Considering cheating.... Help!

[T193]

Hey all, thanks for reading my post.

 

Im currently in a happy, healthy relationship of 8 years with my girlfriend. Whilst I'm sure most of you would agree that its common to be attracted to people outside of your relationship, over the past year Ive had real urges to pursue and sleep with other women.

 

This has got to the point where I've been responding to ads on hookup sites and also setting up profiles on dating sites. So far my morality seems to have kicked in as with each response I tend to delete the profiles or not got through with meet ups. I seem to be going round in circles; I get the urge, I respond to ads, I feel guilty and go back to normal, then I get the urge etc..

 

My only thought of why I'm doing this is that I feel Ive missed out on sleeping with another woman as apart from that, I couldn't ask for a better relationship. My girlfriend is my only partner you see.

 

I know what Im doing is wrong, I know that I should be grateful for what Ive got- I am believe me. My issue is, how do i deal with this? I cant go on like this as its ridiculous. Ive thought about talking to my girlfriend about it but I think it would damage our relationship and I know if I actually went through with something, that my guilt and shame would ultimately make me come clean.

 

Im at a loss of what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

T

[davidromero43]

It's like Mark Zuckerberg and facebook. What if he decided after a few years he wanted to see what else he could do. He had everything he wanted with facebook. It was like hitting a home run his first time up to bat. But he doesn't know what it would be like to try again. So he leaves facebook and starts a virtual dog walking company. It sucks and he is unhappy. So he starts a new soda company with crazy Ben & Jerry type flavors like butter. It is not nearly as successful. Nothing will be as good as his first. It is because he hit a home run his first time at bat. It is very rare to hit a home run your first time at bat. So do you leave and end up regretting it? Or is the temptation of unknown riches, stifling your happiness?

[Chi townD]

David hit the nail on the head. As my Grandfather always told me, "Don't screw up a good thing."

 

 

Okay, so she was your first. Now, you can either end things with he so you can go see what else is out there. Or you can sit and think about what your girlfriend really means to you. You obviously love her and I'm pretty sure you can't picture yourself with anyone else for the rest of your life.

 

 

If this is the case, the STOP! Delete all of those accounts and focus on your girlfriend. It might be that things are going a little stale in the bedroom. Maybe you need to spice it up. One night make it romantic, then another night consider doing some role paying, then maybe bringing some toys into the bedroom.

 

 

Again, don't screw up a good thing!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Cheating is a CHOICE.

[GoBlue]

There is one thing that I can guarantee - if you continue with the current cycle you will eventually meet one of these girls and do something that you will come to regret. There is a basic principle for this kind of behavior, sins kept in the dark tend to multiply while sins exposed in the light tend to die. Do you have a Pastor or respected mentor that you can confide in? Why in the world have you been with your girlfriend for 8 years and are not at least engaged? Are you planning on getting married to her? You are correct that being in a healthy relationship does not mean you will not be attracted to other people, but believe me when I say this, having multiple partners is not all that it's cracked up to be. You are not missing out on anything except for a big regret if you ruine something that is good. Something I know from first-hand experience.

 

Conflict resolution is a normal part of "healthy" relationships, but so is trust. Trust, once broken, can be very difficult to establish again. Think long and hard about what you are doing. Your girlfriend deserves to know if you are moving towards cheating. Have the two of you ever considered pre-engagement counseling? Almost every marriage has low points that need to be fought through. There are ebbs and flows in every relationship. Hope it all turns out well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[smackie9]

If you are looking to cheat, then your relationship is not as healthy and happy as you think. I agree counseling would be the right direction you should go in. Seek out counseling on your own first, and hopefully things will come to the surface, and give you more of a clearer perspective on what is going on with you and or your relationship. Wanting to cheat is a symptom not the problem. Our guidance here is pretty limited, and it would be best to have a professional handle it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Have you ever had someone or a pet close to you die? If so, you should have gotten an empty broken hearted type of feeling. Losing a lover is the same thing. Only sociopaths or worse don't feel a sense of loss like that. Read up on some of the threads about being dumped & how much that hurts and how long it can take to get over.

 

 

Great sex is fun for the moment, but the feelings don't last & can't come close to comparing true love.

 

 

You can't have your cake & eat it also. You can chose a great relationship, which should have great sex also or more experience with girls. You probably can't get away with an affair & stand to lose your SO.

 

 

If you can't suppress your urges, do the right thing & break up with her before you mess around at all. Be honest & tell her why. After the initial hurt goes away, she will respect you for your integrity.

[T193]

Thanks everybody for your replies, it really means a lot. I think I have some soul searching to do. It may sound insincere but I do love my girlfriend very much and we have a great relationship. I know what Im doing is ridiculous and thats why I think this issue is a personal one. Im ashamed of how devious and disrespectful Ive become.

[deadelvis]

I'm not sure what type of relationship you have but most of the women I know would gladly set up a threesome so you could shag another woman and get it out of your system rather than have you feel that way or be out cheating.

[No Limit]

Break up with your GF before you discover what's out there please. Other than that, have fun - check the "Dating" section of this forum while you're at it. And always, ALWAYS have protected sex with strangers.

[Gloria25]

Why 8 years w/o a ring and a date for a wedding?

 

I won't even ask your ages cuz even if let's say you two are/were college/high school sweethearts and been waiting to get your lives straight before committing, 8 years w/o a ring and a date is a bit much.

 

I say you already have one foot outside the door, cuz you've been coasting with her w/o marriage. You obviously wanna keep that door open in order to bounce.

[violet1]

Some people don't believe in marriage. I don't personally believe that no ring or marriage is a big deal unless one of them want marriage. I know people who have been happily together many decades without getting married. What bothers me is that the OP is creating profiles on dating sites and making plans to meet women. Cancelling at the last minute is irrelevant. Some people consider that a form of cheating in itself.

 

 

OP, you need to tell your gf what you've been up to. She might not want to be with you if she knew what you are doing behind her back. She has that right. It's time for you to man up and be honest.

[Spectre]

I don't think you know what the words "happy" and "healthy" mean. People in relationships that could be legitimately described as happy and healthy are not heavily considering cheating, joining hook up sites, and all that.

 

You might as well hold up a sign saying "No really I'm not racist!" while attending a KKK meeting. Of course you're racist if you are at a clan meeting. Of course your relationship isn't healthy if you are signing up for hook up sites to meet skeezy chicks who bang dudes they meet online.

[stillafool]

OP, here's the good news - you aren't married. So, since you feel that you are missing out on sex with other women, break up with your girlfriend and have sex with as many women as you want. 8 years without a ring pretty much says it all. You are not in love. Don't waste anymore of that poor womans time.

[minime13]

OP, here's the good news - you aren't married. So, since you feel that you are missing out on sex with other women, break up with your girlfriend and have sex with as many women as you want. 8 years without a ring pretty much says it all. You are not in love. Don't waste anymore of that poor womans time.

 

This.

 

100% this.

[Heer]

OP, here's the good news - you aren't married. So, since you feel that you are missing out on sex with other women, break up with your girlfriend and have sex with as many women as you want. 8 years without a ring pretty much says it all. You are not in love. Don't waste anymore of that poor womans time.

 

Well technically this is true but please don't cheat. Your gf doesnt not deserve to be cheated on and you can still easily find love even if it isn't with your gf. Good luck bud:)

[Spectre]

I like how people always blame the guy for no ring. Is the guy dating someone who is mute and overall an incapable human being? No? Okay then, you know WOMEN are capable of proposing too right? So I hate when people assume "oh he didn't put a ring on it, he must not be that into it" well damn, she didn't put a ring on it either. What happened to equality?

 

Don't get me wrong, he ISN'T that into it, but not because of the lack of ring, but because of the whole "joining hook up sites while still believing this to be healthy" thing.

[violet1]

Wow! I actually agree with you Spectre. How does putting a ring on it have anything to do with his actions? In this day and age there are people who don't rush into marriage. They don't need marriage to solidify their commitment or relationship. This isn't 2 years, it's 8. He may not have to do the legal paper work, but a long term relationship ending is just as devastating as a marriage ending. I love how people only consider marriage as a serious commitment. I don't see them being together for 8 years and not married as that big of a deal at all. I'm confused on why it's even being mentioned. It's becoming the new normal. It does NOT mean you are not committed to your partner. Obviously, the OP is not committed to his gf, but it doesn't have anything to do with not being married or not.

[Haerts]

Couldn't agree more with Spectre.

 

OP, 8 years is a long time. I always like to share similar stories and a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years last year, because he was her only and she wanted to 'explore'. A month past that and she was begging to come back, and he refused to do so. Now, almost a year after breaking up, she's still trying and it seems like he does want her back, but he isn't sure anymore. Just last week she was devastated because she found out he has profiles in dating websites. She actually asked him about it and he said "since we broke up, I never stopped myself from meeting other women". Needless to say, most of the guys she's been with were *******s and she misses her ex.

 

Clearly, one wish destroyed a 6 years relationship, which is probably never going to be what it used to be ever again, that is if they ever get back together. So be careful with what you want. And try to make sure that's what you want. If your relationship is good and healthy, then leaving it now might make you want to come back in the future, especially after realizing that ****ing every woman around may not be as nice as you may be thinking it is.

 

And: don't cheat on your girlfriend. She doesn't deserve that.

[Spectre]

Now to me it has to be said: OP..you signed up willingly on hook up sites. For me, that is grounds for divorce. Or since you aren't married, grounds for being dumped. Yes, even if you never actually met up with anyone, the mere fact you signed up is enough, IMO, to warrant you being dumped.

 

Who wants to be with someone who trolls online looking for sex from others? Even if they never actually go through with it..that doesn't help matters much.

[rocketman122]

I have this theory that your GF doesnt turn you on as those in the hookup sites. like eddie murphy in raw said, youre looking for a ritz cracker and your GF is a regular ole saltine.

 

maybe she out of shape, doesnt desire you as much as you want. maybe youre missing some passion or romance or excitement in the relationship.

 

you did have that in the beginning but that has maybe faded. you need to focus on your reltionship with your lady. if she used to dress sexy for you and hasnt lately you may want to talk to her about it. you may tell her you like it when she wears sexy lingerie or a skirt and high heels and puts makeup on.

 

you love your lady but dont desire her. youre comfortable with her but seem to be atracted to those women in the hookup ads. look at those woman and ask your women to dress up for you and such. do a copy paste with her. it sounds weird but physical attractiion is very important. you need to bring that back. its a start. then work on the bedroom part.

 

you love your lady but something is missing there to make you look at others.

 

as a pro wedding photog, I see super sexy beautiful women all the time in them. but I desire my lady. I see the women there and I send my lady how much I love her and how I think shes gorgeous and I miss and want her.

 

I dont feel the desire to screw these women. and there is interst there in these weddings. yet I never act upon them. I would never betray my lady. u have something good, dont **** it up.

 

ill come over and smack you to wake you up haha