OLD for women (from a dude's perspective)

[JuneJulySeptember]

OK, we all hear how easy OLD is for women and how hard for men. And I admit, for me as a man it has been very, very hard. But how much can we trust what people say. People here are so interested in boosting their own gender, they will not give honest accounts of their own dating experiences.

 

I wanted to find out for myself. How easy do women really have it online? I created a POF account from a friend, of a friend, of a friend of a Facebook friend's photos. In other words, I have no clue who she is and she lives clear across the country. I would describe her as average. She wears no makeup, has an average body (and appears to have a couple of extra pounds), and has a nice smile. I personally think she's quite cute (I don't know her) but definitely average in the grand scheme. She is definitely the type of woman that I myself message in OLD. She just looks NICE. Profile is medium length with some decent tidbits. Not a hint of pretentiousness or Darwinian attitude.

 

After only ~36 hours here are the results and conclusions:

 

Results: ~70 views and exactly 13 messages. However, of the 13 messages, 3 have no pics, and one is a spam. That leaves 9 messages. Of the 9 messages left, 8 of them are basically "Hello" or "How are you?" or "How many dates have you gotten?" Basically gar-boj. One is from an age appropriate man who is actually quite handsome, who tells me a bit about himself in a couple of sentences. If I'm her, I like him. Of the 70 views, there are quite a bit of handsome men.

 

Conclusions:

1) Competition is there. A lot of good looking guys. Some very handsome guys viewed my profile but did not message me. Maybe women are largely ignoring the messages they get and messaging those men.

 

2) Volume of legit messages are not as much as I expected. So, why are us guys who spend 75 minutes crafting thoughtful and witty and messages getting no response? Probably because we are just not the type lookswise. Perhaps so many men have gotten their candid messages ignored, they start shotgunning and leading with "Hello. How are you?" Though I'm not that bad. Yet. It also may vary among dating sites.

 

3) Women get few enough messages that I think a "thank you, no thank you" is not unreasonable. I mean, not that it matters that much. Anyway, I am a GUY, so I have to reject the one guy who wrote a legit leading message, but he gets a nice response back. Better luck buddy.

 

4) Overall, a mixed bag. The positive is that women don't receive as many legit messages as I thought. The negative is that they were ignoring my extremely detailed messages (on another dating site) even as they probably weren't getting THAT many messages over one sentence. That is not good.

 

Anyway, something for you dudes to think about.

Edited May 28, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[whirl3daway]

I would consider myself an average looking woman, and that is not really what my experiences on OLD have been.

 

Generally the first 36 hours [on OKC, at least] bring me over 100 messages, most of which range from "hey how r u" to the standard copy-pasta, with some quality ones thrown in there. I get hundreds of views. It would be extremely difficult for me to say "No thanks" to every single message I get, because it would take forever. It's actually pretty overwhelming and makes me hesitant to get on OLD sometimes.

 

Even if the man is extremely attractive, if the message is just "hey", that's kind of a turn off for me. I'm a person who takes time in OLD and when I send a message, I make the effort to include something from their profile. I'd appreciate similar kinds of effort, although I understand that for some guys it's a numbers game and it's a waste of time if women aren't answering you.

 

I dunno the solution, but I don't think it's quite as cut and dry as OP suggests.

[Imajerk17]

I would consider myself an average looking woman, and that is not really what my experiences on OLD have been.

 

Generally the first 36 hours [on OKC, at least] bring me over 100 messages, most of which range from "hey how r u" to the standard copy-pasta, with some quality ones thrown in there. I get hundreds of views. It would be extremely difficult for me to say "No thanks" to every single message I get, because it would take forever. It's actually pretty overwhelming and makes me hesitant to get on OLD sometimes.

 

Even if the man is extremely attractive, if the message is just "hey", that's kind of a turn off for me. I'm a person who takes time in OLD and when I send a message, I make the effort to include something from their profile. I'd appreciate similar kinds of effort, although I understand that for some guys it's a numbers game and it's a waste of time if women aren't answering you.

 

I dunno the solution, but I don't think it's quite as cut and dry as OP suggests.

 

I checked out your pictures whirledaway. You are FAR better-looking than average. Like if I saw you in the grocery store or the squat rack I'd approach. So I can see how you'd get a lot of attention.

 

Getting back on topic: JJS, a few thoughts.

 

1. Besides the time it takes to respond to all those unsolicited emails, which probably varies from woman to woman.... It is surprisingly hard to reject someone who sends you an unsolicited email nicely. Writing someone back saying "thanks but not a match" actually feels equivalent to explicitly saying "I'm not attracted". Not writing back could mean anything from "already seeing too many people" to "I just met someone I really like" to "I'm not taking this seriously". Besides many women have tried to be nice and give a response back, have gotten emails from the guys back asking why. This is unsolicited communication from a complete stranger, seems easier and kinder to just ignore.

 

2. Could you give examples of your first emails. Posting your profile would be quite helpful but I can understand your being reluctant to do so for privacy reasons.

Edited May 28, 2015 by Imajerk17

[whirl3daway]

I checked out your pictures whirledaway. You are FAR better-looking than average. Like if I saw you in the grocery store or the squat rack I'd approach. So I can see how you'd get a lot of attention.

 

 

1. Besides the time it takes to respond to all those unsolicited emails, which probably varies from woman to woman.... It is surprisingly hard to reject someone who sends you an unsolicited email nicely. Writing someone back saying "thanks but not a match" actually feels equivalent to explicitly saying "I'm not attracted". Not writing back could mean anything from "already seeing too many people" to "I just met someone I really like" to "I'm not taking this seriously". Besides many women have tried to be nice and give a response back, have gotten emails from the guys back asking why. This is unsolicited communication from a complete stranger, seems easier and kinder to just ignore.

 

 

well damn, thank you. I wasn't expecting that!

 

to your first point, this is SO TRUE and something I forgot to mention. I feel like such a jerk when I reject people! I have no idea how to phrase things like... "oh, I'm sorry, I don't think we'd be a good match"? I hate hurting people. not to mention, I've seen so many dudes respond back [understandably] with anger and vitriol even if the rejection message is polite. It's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.

[PegNosePete]

When I was using OLD, I would rather get no response than "thanks but no thanks". When I got an email saying that I had a message I would get excited and happily log in to check it... only for it to say "thanks but no thanks". Great, what a waste of my time and yours. I'd rather get no response if they're not interested, that way I know when I get an email saying "you have a message!", I know it'll be a good one.

[BluEyeL]

I think it depends on the site. I don't remember very well, but I've been on OKC for three days at one time and I received maybe 20ish (not hundreds) messages in the first few days. Most of them garbage, a lot of them having sexual content. I got maybe 4 people I got dates with from those 3 days that I was on.

 

I did not reply to people I didn't want to interact with. I don't think i would like to receive a rejection email, get excited and then get a no in the message.

[misspond]

not to mention, I've seen so many dudes respond back [understandably] with anger and vitriol even if the rejection message is polite. It's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.

 

Yes, I'd agree, I no longer send a message unless the man is someone I'd like to respond to. And I'm not going to respond to someone who lives a huge distance away, or even in another country.

 

My experiences here in the UK have been pretty grim to be honest. I'm not over-weight, reasonably although not conventionally attractive, single parent (not looking for a daddy-wallet by-the-way) but other than mentioning my kids in passing I don't dwell on them, and in the upper age bracket both of which I guess go against me.

 

I'm averaging 5 or so messages a week, mostly from younger men (like 20 or more years younger) looking for a notch on their bedpost which isn't really my cup of tea. Occasionally someone in the their late 30's will get in touch which I would be happy with but their messaging soon fizzles out and is of the, "Can't believe you replied to me," variety (I'm not overtly flirty, am polite etc). Generally men of my age never message me as I guess I'm too old for them.

 

The older men (50+) who message me tend to live too far away, or display no more manners nor respect than the younger men who write, "Wassup?" or, "Hey sexy." Most messages across all ages are of the, "Hey sexy" variety.

 

And the amount of profiles for people that have NO information written on them at all or that flag up or state outright that they're looking for casual sex are an immediate turn off. I average one date per year and it seems my people picker is well off

Edited May 28, 2015 by misspond
Couldn't spell "go"

[Biscous]

If you're not white you're invisible to a lot of the females.

[LookAtThisPOst]

What I like to do when I've exhausted all the women I've emailed in my area...I would wait a while and contact them again. Kind of doing my rounds so-to-speak. Sometimes they'd reply back even for a date.

[Shining One]

Match has a "Not Interested" button that I wish more people would use, but they should also add more functionality. I'm an Indian male, so I have a very high rejection rate with my honest profile. I would typically message women, wait a week, and then block the non-responders from search. This way, they don't show up in my search results any more so I don't email them again. This doesn't prevent them from emailing me though.

 

For the user (the one who clicks the "Not Interested" button), it should be a simple one-click interface with options to block the recipient from sending further messages. For the recipient, the functionality should be customizable. You can opt for no notification, email notification, auto-block from search, etc.

 

At my high point of OLD activity, my Match profile had 1,118 blocked profiles.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I would consider myself an average looking woman, and that is not really what my experiences on OLD have been.

 

Generally the first 36 hours [on OKC, at least] bring me over 100 messages, most of which range from "hey how r u" to the standard copy-pasta, with some quality ones thrown in there. I get hundreds of views. It would be extremely difficult for me to say "No thanks" to every single message I get, because it would take forever. It's actually pretty overwhelming and makes me hesitant to get on OLD sometimes.

 

Even if the man is extremely attractive, if the message is just "hey", that's kind of a turn off for me. I'm a person who takes time in OLD and when I send a message, I make the effort to include something from their profile. I'd appreciate similar kinds of effort, although I understand that for some guys it's a numbers game and it's a waste of time if women aren't answering you.

 

I dunno the solution, but I don't think it's quite as cut and dry as OP suggests.

 

You might be a little better looking than the woman I used, or maybe you have a much better body and show it.

 

I checked out your pictures whirledaway. You are FAR better-looking than average. Like if I saw you in the grocery store or the squat rack I'd approach. So I can see how you'd get a lot of attention.

 

Getting back on topic: JJS, a few thoughts.

 

1. Besides the time it takes to respond to all those unsolicited emails, which probably varies from woman to woman.... It is surprisingly hard to reject someone who sends you an unsolicited email nicely. Writing someone back saying "thanks but not a match" actually feels equivalent to explicitly saying "I'm not attracted". Not writing back could mean anything from "already seeing too many people" to "I just met someone I really like" to "I'm not taking this seriously". Besides many women have tried to be nice and give a response back, have gotten emails from the guys back asking why. This is unsolicited communication from a complete stranger, seems easier and kinder to just ignore.

 

2. Could you give examples of your first emails. Posting your profile would be quite helpful but I can understand your being reluctant to do so for privacy reasons.

 

My messages hit on their profile and what we have in common.

 

If you're not white you're invisible to a lot of the females.

 

Match has a "Not Interested" button that I wish more people would use, but they should also add more functionality. I'm an Indian male, so I have a very high rejection rate with my honest profile. I would typically message women, wait a week, and then block the non-responders from search. This way, they don't show up in my search results any more so I don't email them again. This doesn't prevent them from emailing me though.

 

For the user (the one who clicks the "Not Interested" button), it should be a simple one-click interface with options to block the recipient from sending further messages. For the recipient, the functionality should be customizable. You can opt for no notification, email notification, auto-block from search, etc.

 

At my high point of OLD activity, my Match profile had 1,118 blocked profiles.

 

I think you both might have the simple answer. It's always something simple. Although I must say, I do get rejected from women of my own ethnicity too. But the rate is lower.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Three more messages since this morning. I didn't count a dude who mailed me, and then mailed me back immediately again after I viewed his profile, but with same short sentence.

 

16 total but still only 1 message with any substance. None of the really handsome guys have messaged me. But the guys who have IMO are pretty decent looking. If I were her, I would respond to a decent message from most of these guys, but none have sent one. All white guys so far.

 

A couple of the guys are not too great looking, and prolly don't do so great, which makes me a bit sad.

Edited May 28, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[gaius]

I love how guys who can't come to grips with the fact they want to be hit on by other guys do this every now and then. That's your online dating problem right there, you're too busy with the female profiles.

 

If you really wanted to talk to women that wouldn't even be a terrible opener, asking them about their online dating experience so far. It's the only thing you two would for sure have in common.

[Toodaloo]

When I first logged into OK cupid I had tons of really lovely messages. It stressed me out because I simply couldn't keep up with it.

 

Now I don't log on as often perhaps once or twice a week.

 

Most of the messages I am getting these days are "fancy a f**k?" messages nothing of substance or quality.

 

I look through the matches and its pathetic really... just a load of blokes looking to get laid...

[lino]

Real life is the same way so why would anyone expect it to be different online? People are people, whether it's online or off.

 

In society it's expected that men pursue women and the women choose who they like and flick the rest. Been like this for millions of years.

The invention of the internet won't change a thing.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Real life is the same way so why would anyone expect it to be different online? People are people, whether it's online or off.

 

In society it's expected that men pursue women and the women choose who they like and flick the rest. Been like this for millions of years.

The invention of the internet won't change a thing.

 

Two more since my last post. So 18 total over ~ half a week. Two/three of which were legit, detailed messages.

 

The question becomes, "Is there a difference if a woman receives 5, 25, or 200 messages over the course of a week?

 

You would think it makes a difference. If a woman had a choice of 200 men, how could there possibly be any way she would pick any who are deficient in any way, including income, face, height, weight, race?

 

However, if that number is say 20 over a week, with most of the messages being garbage, your chances with OLD might be better than you originally thought.

 

Or maybe it doesn't matter if the woman gets 200 messages or one message. If she isn't attracted to you, she isn't and you're just SOOL. There's a human element that comes into play here at some point, possibly. I might say about a woman, "She's not so bad looking, she's seems like she could be cool." Or maybe it's just, "This is my f@cking type and all who don't fit can f@ck off."

Edited May 30, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[bentleychic]

I think it depends on the site. I don't remember very well, but I've been on OKC for three days at one time and I received maybe 20ish (not hundreds) messages in the first few days. Most of them garbage, a lot of them having sexual content. I got maybe 4 people I got dates with from those 3 days that I was on.

 

I did not reply to people I didn't want to interact with. I don't think i would like to receive a rejection email, get excited and then get a no in the message.

Very similar here. Most of the messages were simply Hey or something of that nature.

 

I've dealt with some real freaks, too, though that were NOT freaks at first. I had one go from "Hey how's it going?" to "Will you let me knock you up and have sex with you for the 9mths that you're pregnant and see where it goes from there?" (Yes, seriously.)

[Phoe]

I'm an average woman who had a fairly similar experience to what is described in the OP.

 

8 or 9 messages the first day. 1 was pervy. 1 or 2 were "hi". 1 was fairly lengthy, and the other 4 or so were 1 or 2 sentences, polite, totally reasonable.

 

I responded back to all but the pervy one (even the "hi" messages). 2 wrote back, the others never did.

 

Got pretty much the same thing the 2nd day, then closed down the account.

 

No idea how many profile views I had, don't know if I could even see that kind of information.

 

I did send my own messages to men who had popped up on a list of 90% compatible matches or something like that. 1 wrote back.

 

The overall experience was not bad. I didn't feel like anything awful happened, I wasn't disrespected, and I didn't feel like I was overwhelmed or inundated. It was all very manageable.

[bentleychic]

FYI, I've messaged several guys and rarely get a response. When I message, I do it with a real message, not just a hey how's it going. I don't think I'm attractive, but am often told I am and that I have a great smile so I don't know.

[jay1983]

Real life is the same way so why would anyone expect it to be different online? People are people, whether it's online or off.

 

In society it's expected that men pursue women and the women choose who they like and flick the rest. Been like this for millions of years.

The invention of the internet won't change a thing.

 

Online only about 10% of the best looking men are successful. If that were that case IRL, 80% wouldn't be in relationships and 90% of us wouldn't be here today.

[guest569]

OP, i hope you had permission from that woman to create a dating profile of her?

[JuneJulySeptember]

FYI, I've messaged several guys and rarely get a response. When I message, I do it with a real message, not just a hey how's it going. I don't think I'm attractive, but am often told I am and that I have a great smile so I don't know.

 

I do tend to think a lot of that goes on too.

 

Women don't think any of the guys who message them are attractive and don't respond to their messages, and they message a group of more attractive guys, who don't respond. THOSE guys are in turn messaging the more attractive women, and round - and - round - we - go...

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm an average woman who had a fairly similar experience to what is described in the OP.

 

 

You're not average tho.

 

You're a good tier above Becky.

 

I'm calling her Becky. She looks like a Becky.

[bentleychic]

I do tend to think a lot of that goes on too.

 

Women don't think any of the guys who message them are attractive and don't respond to their messages, and they message a group of more attractive guys, who don't respond. THOSE guys are in turn messaging the more attractive women, and round - and - round - we - go...

haha I actually respond to every REAL response whether I'm attracted to them or not.

 

As for attractive, etc., I actually like big ole country boys so not the "traditional" attractive guys. I'm way more apt to be attracted to a guy that's tipping the scale by 30lbs+ overweight as opposed to the cut muscle heads with bathroom selfies.

[impatiently_patient]

I do tend to think a lot of that goes on too.

 

Women don't think any of the guys who message them are attractive and don't respond to their messages, and they message a group of more attractive guys, who don't respond. THOSE guys are in turn messaging the more attractive women, and round - and - round - we - go...

 

Not true, women as an aggregate message just above their ascertain of mens' respective attractiveness. If you fall into the 2.0 out of 5.0 range you're the most likely to get a message:

 

http://cdn.okcimg.com/blog/your_looks_and_inbox/Female-Messaging-Curve.png

 

Men message the 4.5 out of 5.0s the most:

 

http://cdn.okcimg.com/blog/your_looks_and_inbox/Male-Messaging-Curve.png

 

 

Data is a fun thing.