Does he love me or my money?

[MiamiMami]

How can I find out if my boyfriend is with me because I have money? I have a lot more money than my bf does and help him out financially. Sometimes I get confused not knowing if he would be with me if it wasn't for my financial assistance. He is much better looking than I am, even though he tells me looks don't matter and he tries to reassure me that he loves me for my inside.

 

I pay for our meals and buy him the things he needs. I want to stop doing that to find out how he would react, but in case he really does love me, I don't want to ruin our relationship. His expenses are a drop in the bucket for me so it would be out of place for me to suddenly say "no" when he asks for me to buy something. It is also confusing because when we first started dating, he did not know I was well off.

 

I feel like he loves me, but once in a while I question it and now I don't know how to know for sure. Why do I question his love at all? About every two months he is ready to break up with me for what I think is something minor and it makes me shocked and so hurt I want to die.

 

(for example if he says he has to cancel a date due to work, i will get jealous that maybe he is seeing someone else - I have low self esteem - but won't express this, instead I will get very upset that he is canceling and he gets very bothered by my behavior and doesn't call for days until I keep apologizing, emailing and calling him. I don't know if he would act that way if he really loved me.)

 

Any advice is badly needed.

[Moose]

About the only way to tell is to stop paying his expenses. Sure, he's going to wonder why you stopped all of a sudden, especially since you hardly notice doing it for him. When he confronts you about it, tell him the truth. Let him know the way you've been feeling lately. Make a deal with him.....if he can go without your financial support for 3 months, you'll pick up his tab again.

 

I was lucky. I was already married to Mrs. Moose before I became financially set. And, I'm willing to wager all I own that she would stay by my side if we lost everything. That's how secure I am in my relationship......of course this is how the really sad situations start off......."I didn't see it comin'"

[ConfusedInOC]

If you want to know what you love and value, take a look at your checkbook. Your love is where your money is. You are spending the money on him because he loves you.

 

But if you are worried about whether he loves you and is with you for your money, simply ask him why he is with you.

 

What he says may or may not surprise you, but I think you'll get enough info to make an informed decision.

[MiamiMami]

Moose, I think I will try that, to stop paying and see how he reacts, but I don't think I'll tell him why. I don't want to upset him if that is not the case.

 

Confused in OC, I like your response. I like spending money on him because I love him, and I already do ask him why he is with me and he answers that I'm smart, and a lot of other great reasons. The problem I have is that it's not like he's going to say it is for the money if it really is for that reason.

 

I think as difficult as it is going to be, I should stop paying for things and mayabe if he brings it up it will be easier to talk about it. The only reason I question this is because like I said he will want to stop seeing me if I do or say the smallest thing that is wrong and he turns it into something big which I don't think someone who loves you would do. I feel very torn and upset about this and wish I could have an instant way to know for sure.

 

That is another good question - how do you know FOR SURE if the person you are with REALLY loves you, despite what they say and do to try to show you? How do you really really know? Is there some kind of a "test"?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Moose

I was already married to Mrs. Moose before I became financially set. And, I'm willing to wager all I own that she would stay by my side if we lost everything.

almost all women will leave their man if he loses everything....that is a fact of life.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Is it your job that makes you wealthy or money handed down? If its your job than I'm not exactly sure how to handle that. If it was money handed down say its running out fast. Then in a few months tell him its almost gone.

You can address it once and for all. Tell him that you guys are to free with YOUR money and that he needs to contribute to all those meals and gifts. Don't tell him why he need to pay (this might make him stay with you longer to show you that he doesn't love you for your money.) Just say that he needs to start rowing up and have you stop supporting him financially. Whatever you do DO NOT ASK HIM IF HE LOVES YOU FOR YOUR MONEY. Do you actually expect him to say yes? You must be slick about this. If he leaves you or even makes a face saying that you can't keep spending money like you are, you know its for your money.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Originally posted by alphamale

almost all women will leave their man if he loses everything....that is a fact of life.

 

Maybe in your 40 year old unmarried twisted life. Stop stereotyping.

[Moose]

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

Maybe in your 40 year old unmarried twisted life. Stop stereotyping.

I'm glad you said it.......thanks!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

Maybe in your 40 year old unmarried twisted life. Stop stereotyping.

it is true. i've seen it happen many times

[MiamiMami]

IhavenoFREAKINclue, you know that is some very good advice. he knows I have over $1 mil. I made off of investments in the past (I shouldn't have opened my big mouth when I had too much to drink once) and currently I am in a well paid field.

 

However, maybe I can tell him that those investments are going bad and that my work is going slow, and also that family needs to borrower money from me, slowly to the point that I am getting strapped.

 

I am kind of scared to find out the answer if he would eventually leave me if I turn "poor." I could slowly pay less and gradually phase everything off until it goes back to how things were when we first met. I wish in the meantime I could get an instant answer but maybe this is the only way I will know for sure.

 

To be fair, he does pay for some things. Sometimes he will pay for meals and buy me things. Maybe I am old fashioned and feel more loved if a man does all of it. (Even if I secretly deposited money to his account and he ended up paying for everything I would feel better).

 

Thanks to those who wrote with their great ideas.

[MiamiMami]

PS - alphamale your hamburger avitar makes me hungry!

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Originally posted by MiamiMami

However, maybe I can tell him that those investments are going bad and that my work is going slow, and also that family needs to borrower money from me, slowly to the point that I am getting strapped.

 

Fantastic idea! Stick with that. It may take some time, but if in the end you find out that he was after your money, you didn't do something drastic like marry him! Good luck and you should win an Oscar after this performance!

 

P.S. If he were to ask you, sign a prenup then see the look on his face!

[Moose]

Originally posted by alphamale

it is true. i've seen it happen many times

Now, now......there wasn't any reason to call someone an idiot......that's against the rules and regs........though you may of been witness to it many times, it still doesn't make it a fact of life as you put it. I think that's all IhavenoFREAKINclue was trying to imply. Sure, she could've phrased it a little differently but we know how tough you are, (or say you are).

 

MiamiMiami, just be sure not to tell too many lies.....hard to keep track if you tell too many. I can understand where you're coming from. I have the same problem as you.......low self-esteem, I know I'd lose most if not all of my friends if I didn't have money......but I look at it this way......I have Mrs. Moose that knew me when I was and had nothing. She stuck by me at the lowest times of my life and supported me all the way. My friends would've never done that.

 

If your boyfriend is in it only for the money, it's better off for you to be truthful with him up front, tell him what your thoughts are. If he stays, great....if not.....you will find the one who will love you for you eventually.

[Craig]

MiamiMiami, I understand where you are coming from exactly. The problem with cutting him off is not necessarily going to be the money but the change in your relationship brought about by at least 2 factors. I.E. your lying about the reasons why, your bf not getting some things paid for and etc.

 

Here is another suggestion that may or may not work for you. You'll have to decide. Hire a P.I. to do an investigation on him. There are lots of PI's that specialize in discovering what the true intentions of the sig other are. This way you don't "test" the love/relationship, you don't lie to your s.o. and the dynamic of the relationship remains intact while your PI's are doing their thing. Don't worry about how the PI's do their job, a competent one will know what to do.

 

[MiamiMami]

Now I feel torn! Moose and Craig, both of you think it will be wrong for me to lie. Although I thought I had figured out the solution, which in reality IS to lie by pretending I'm going broke, that might be a bad thing to do after all, to go through all of that? ( I was hoping to get that oscar! )

 

How in the world would a PI know what my boyfriend's intentions are? I know his finances as far as how much he makes, what he spends it on. How could a PI know the reason behind why he is with me?

 

That seems far-fetched but I'm curious if something like that could be possible? Do you have experience or specific knowledge about it? That sounds like something too good to be true, like being able to read someone's mind!!!!

 

Wouldn't I have already heard about it if something as simple as hiring someone to find out someone else's true intentions were possible? Wouldn't it be common? Who wouldn't do it? Sorry for all these questions! I'm a little surprised by this suggestion.

[Moose]

How in the world would a PI know what my boyfriend's intentions are?

Easy, he/she will follow him and see where he goes, if he's with someone else of the opposite sex, find out how much he makes and what he's spending it on, if he's paying his bills with his money or not, if he has a drug habit, where does he frequent....on and on. He/she can find out what all of his obligations are and see if he's following through with his money, or your money.

[Lil Honey]

I agree that not all women - or men for that matter - would leave when the other person was broke.

 

As I said in another thread the other day, Alpha's attitude toward women is one of stereotyping and generalizing and is apparently due to poor relationships. Of course, when I pointed this out on the other thread he said that he was just saying that to get some real emotions going (or something to the effect that he wanted to get folks riled up).

 

Soooo . . . he either really feels that way or he is trying to get some big drama going. Drama or no, telling someone that they are an idiot for THEIR opinion is uncalled for. Especially when no one called him an idiot for HIS opinion. Funny how that works . . .

 

Edited to add:

 

As far as the original poster goes, I think it's important to know if you have the money from a trust or your family somehow or if you are getting your money from a job. I think I would suddenly not have any more and tell him that you are leaving what is due you to your nephew or something, so that he gets the idea that the money won't be there in the future, either.

[UCFKevin]

Even though alpha's stereotyping, stereotypes exist for a reason. They're true in many cases. Just like this one.

 

You all know damn well that there are plenty of women out there that would rather date a guy with money than a guy with none. Not all women, but many.

 

Personally, I don't give a damn how much a woman makes, as long as I like her, I like her. Material goods or money do not mpress me.

[EnigmaXOXO]

What exactly are you paying for, Miami??

 

Is it just the occasional dinner and gift (gestures of affection) -- Or by "supporting him financially" are you saying that you're paying his bills??

 

If it's the latter, the best indicator would be whether you are 'offering' to help him out or whether he is 'asking' for your assistance. If you are offering then you're going to have to curb your philanthropist tendencies and stop. Just bite your lip and keep your wallet in your purse as hard as that may be. There are other ways to help him stand on his own two feet and express your love without having to buy his loyalty. However, if he has become so comfortable with the hand-outs that he's actually asking for your money, then simply tell him that you are unable to cover him at this time. No explanations (or fabrications) required. It's YOUR money…YOUR business.

 

If he gets his nose twisted out of joint upon hearing "sorry, but I can't" for the first time, then you'll have your answer. That response alone should satisfy him if he's genuinely as concerned about your financial welfare as is his about his own. He may be disappointed, but if he presses for explanations or tries to put you on any guilt trips, then its time to cut and run. Unless he's also your accountant, he's not privy to your financial portfolio.

 

Real love and friendships don't come with a price tag. They can't be bought. If yours does, than it’s a bad investment with zero interest return. In the end, you might end up alone and bankrupt instead of alone but financially secure. Better to find that out now rather than later in spite of how painful the truth might be.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by MiamiMami

PS - alphamale your hamburger avitar makes me hungry!

 

It's not a hamburger...it's Alpha's sh*t. He puts it in a sandwich and gives it to the woman when he wants to get rid of her, but doesn't know how. (She told me)

[simplyconfused]

Miami that might sound a bit weird, but if he wants to break up so emm regularly then maybe that's an indicator that he cares about you more than your money. I mean if it would just all be about your money surely he'd just use you and not give a damn about some minor things in your relationship.

Also it's funny 'cause i wanted to break up with my boyfriend many times before and that was 'cause i was (well and still am) frustrated over something which in my opinion is a big issue( like he still doesn't say the "l" word after ages time) so maybe he is just frustrated over something and expresses it in that way.

[iamyouranswer]

how do you know if he loves you.? money or real love.? if you don't want to lie, here is a good test.

 

when you go out with him either to eat or to buy stuff for him, go to 99 cent store or a cheap place to eat. Do that more as often as you can. In addition to that, you should complain about the gas price. don't wear expensive clothe either

 

i'm sure he will question why you start to be cheap suddenly if he disappears, you know he doesnt love you for REAL.

[Skullcrusher]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

If you want to know what you love and value, take a look at your checkbook. Your love is where your money is. You are spending the money on him because he loves you.

 

But if you are worried about whether he loves you and is with you for your money, simply ask him why he is with you.

 

What he says may or may not surprise you, but I think you'll get enough info to make an informed decision.

 

People spend money because THEY love the person maybe not the other way around. Get that straight.

 

Get this other thing straight. ASKING about it will provoke him to be defensive.

 

See and hear his actions, that is only the truth.

[MiamiMami]

RecordProducer, that was a gross comment that doesn't belong here.

 

Enigmaxoxo, your comments finally make thins clear. I should simply stop offering to pay for things. He only asks me for things here and there, it is usually me offering to pay. I don't have to provide an explanation unless he asks so I will stop cold turkey, end of it, and see how things go.

 

Simplyconfused, you make an interesting point that if he wants to break up with me over small issues that it may in fact indicate that he loves me otherwise he would overlook those things. I have been seeing it in an angle, in that if he loved me, he would overlook small things because that's what I do - I love him so much that it would have to be something big for me to really get upest at him whereas he'll get upset at me more easily. So...I'm still not sure what to make of that!

 

well, I'll just have to see what I end up doing.

[Jtizzle]

I was in the same situation with my ex a few months ago...we dated for about a good 4months and during those four months, i paid for everything.the money i have is from my moms really, but im almost 19 and i am trying to be responsible on my own, so that i dont have to depends on her as much. being that she wont always be there to hold my hand. but i had a little part time job ( im in school as well)..and it was like he was 19 while im 18 and he was not in school, no job, and he stayed at home with his parents...

 

now his parents lived together and his family dont have that much money..that really didnt matter to me, i fell in love with his character. at some points i questioned if he was usin me for my money, like one time i took him out to dinner for his 19th bday, and he just had to get tha steak and lobster dinner which was the most expensive thing on the menu like 40dollars..now i didnt really mind gettin him that being it was his bday...but still its common courtesy that if somebody is paying for you, you get something resonable price.

 

now i never really questioned his love for me until the dinner...before he had a run in with the law (pot possesion)..and his family had no money to bail him out so i paid his bail...he told me later on that while he was going thru his jail situation that his mother was like ya gf got u out of jail have her get ur car out of the impound too..now when he told me this i had to bring up the dinner and all of the other times i paid for everything..and he got upset that i would even think that he was with me for money.

 

needless to say, i broke up with him, because not only was i goin broke buyin him stuff and payin for him, but for somebody who didnt have money he sure was picky with what i spent my money on.

 

so for u i would have to say,when yall go out u stop payin his way and see how he reacts..or u tell him that u would like to go dutch..u pay for what u got and he pay for his stuff...

 

question tho, so that i may give some more advice...even though he doesnt have as much money as u, does he at least try to pick up the bill for anything? does he spend any money on u at all?